OzGirl Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Stay with us. We are on your side!!! Absolutely we are. You do the first and almost-impossible-it-feels-so-hard step, and we will be here 150% for you from that point on. Which is, you realise, at least 300% more than he is there for you, and we're merely a bunch of strangers you wouldn't recognise if you passed us on the street. He doesn't deserve you, or the pending-wife. He deserves to feel old and past the used-by date, and I hope he feels that way when you drop him like a lead balloon. If my heart could jump out of my chest, and grab you by the hand, and whisk you away in a taxi, and fly you all the way to Oz, and have you here to cry all over my floor, then I would let you, even if I had to clean it up each time.... seriously, he is just not worth you. Or anyone. He's not even worth a leech getting too attached to him.
stillafool Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Honey, I can't believe this guy. This is the same thing my exBF told me when he was getting married. He said he loved me more but was going to marry her. Well, 23 years later they are still married with 3 kids. I guess he really didn't love her afterall. He also invited me to his wedding knowing I still loved him. That was 'the straw that brought the camel's back' back then and it gave me the strength to never want to see him again. Mind you, here it is 23 years later and we are just now back in touch and in an EA I'm going NC on. (Please don't let this happen to you). Let him go, leave him alone, trust me he will never change. If he is in his 50's and still pulling this crap he'll never be straight. He's trying to line you up to be his mistress after he marries. Guess what, if you won't be his OW he will definitely find someone else who will. That's how mine was he has had one EMA after another on his wife which he admits. I'm curious how old is his fiancee and what type of job does she have?
zarathustra Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 i have been involved in a relationship for 18mos. it's the same way a lot of oyu describe it... kind, loving, caring, emotional. there's a significant age difference-- late 20s to late 50s. he's divorced. we work together, he initiated the relationship initially. it's been overall great but because of the public nature of our jobs, his kids, the age difference, we've kept it a secret.... it's a mutual decision. there would be consequences for both of us to be public right now. for the last 6 mos or so, we've had less contact but still some--still loving and romantic. 3 weeks ago, he took me out to lunch and told me HE WAS GETTING MARRIED. he said he was in love with me but that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone and that he could never give me a typical marriage or babies (which i don't want, but that's beside the point). he also thinks that since he's getting older, the time will come when i realize i don't want to be with him. I guess the consequence of going public with the relationship is that he is getting married? What was the consequences prior to getting married? My xMM and I work together too. We kept things under the table because we wanted to continue working together. In a sense, I'm happy that we kept things hushed, but it also makes life really hard because for a long time, people wondered why I was sad all the time. I now believe that he wanted us to stay hidden so that he can go back to his wife if things didn't work out with me (and this is indeed what he did). i'm shocked and devastated, to say the least. i had no idea he was so serious about someone else. he doesn't love her like he loves me. he admits that. since he told me about his wedding, we're back in our relationship full-force, knowing that we love each other, not sure how we're going to handle his upcoming wedding. will i become/continue to be the OW? how will we work together? NC doesn't seem possible. i've tried only once, lasted 2 weeks. i don't see a need for that. i'm not angry at him. i love him, and i want to see him. he loves me and wants to see me. I've a contractual obligation to stay where I'm working and I cannot leave my client hanging because I have personal issues. However, I highly doubt I'll stay (or stay long) after my commitment is complete. Why are you staying? Maybe its better for you if you were to change jobs? but i do want and know i deserve a real relationship. it's just hard for me to imagine wanting someone else. i love this man. i'm starting to think i should find someone else, just to remind myself that there are other men out there. Its hard to imagine loving someone more than you love this man. I think though that its hard to imagine it this moment. I think that you will love a man more if he can and wants commit himself to you. I think that if someone is afraid to tell the world he loves you because of what people would think, then he's not worth much at all. My xMM left his wife to be with me and told me that it was so he can tell and show the world how much he loves me. Then he hid me and we had to hide in public because of work. I was separated and he was separated, aside from one of us being transfered to another project, I really didn't see why we had to hide. it's so weird, i'm attractive, intelligent, and i have good self-esteem. i'm not desperate, just sad. i don't want to lose him. in many ways, this has been the best relationship i've had. I think if you say that this is the best relationship you've had, then I'm not so sure if you do have good self-esteem. I think that if your best relationship is playing second fiddle to someone who you consider less than who you are and you are willing to settle for it, then you must not love yourself. I will never go back to my xMM as he chose to go back to a wife that he says treats him like has issues and makes him feel abnormal for how he feels about things in life. I always tried to listen to what he had to say and the only thing I asked for was a happy medium which he was not willing to provide. I have always treated him with love, kindness and respect. I tried my best to take care of him when he needed someone to take care of him. What does he do? He goes behind my back and begs his wife to take him back... for what? for the kids, he says. Then later, he says he loves his wife that she was the only reason he ever moved here was so that he can marry her and be with her always. Why these men do what they do is beyond me. Cat, to be honest, if he's marrying her and he choosing to spend the rest of his life with her, its not so that he doesn't have to be alone. She's won the prize. You didn't. I'm sorry it hurts for me to say this, but that's the truth. I'm not saying that you're not the better person or she's the better person, but he's made his choice. Now you have to show him what the consequences are. how do i deal with the grief of this? the transition? my feelings of guilt and immorality? i know his wife deserves the whole of him, it's just that i feel i deserve him too, and i'm better for him than she is. Cat, if I had the answer to these questions, I'd be lying in the sun being served by cabana boys wearing not much clothing. Heck, Oz, RC, WA, MO, LNF, you'll all be there with me!! i KNOW he's choosing to marry her and not me, and that fact alone should tell me that he's not worth it. but i'm still sad, confused and hopeful. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have those feelings. sometimes I wish I was just a hairy ape woman who would just exchange favours for fruit, but I'm not. what do i do??? help. Keep posting your feelings here and sharing what you feel. Its theraputic and maybe you'll get some good advice too. I've found that here. Many hugs to you, Cat. He's not the end of the world and no one man should be the end of yours. I keep reminding myself of that and one day I'm sure I'll start subscribing to it.
stillafool Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Cat, to be honest, if he's marrying her and he choosing to spend the rest of his life with her, its not so that he doesn't have to be alone. She's won the prize. You didn't. I'm sorry it hurts for me to say this, but that's the truth. I'm not saying that you're not the better person or she's the better person, but he's made his choice. Now you have to show him what the consequences are. That's the exact thing that happened to me! Zarathustra you are so right. Mine tried to give me excuses why he didn't marry me but the truth was it didn't matter the reasons - she won! The consequences were I walked away and didn't sleep with him again. It killed me but I would have hurt more if I had continued to play second. You just take it one day at a time. Dating new guys definitely helps a lot.
zarathustra Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 That's the exact thing that happened to me! Zarathustra you are so right. Mine tried to give me excuses why he didn't marry me but the truth was it didn't matter the reasons - she won! The consequences were I walked away and didn't sleep with him again. It killed me but I would have hurt more if I had continued to play second. You just take it one day at a time. Dating new guys definitely helps a lot. I think this way is a bit better than losing someone to history and familiarity. But in all honesty, either way, the W, the GF, they are the ones who won the prize. We are the ones who are left in the dust to pick up the pieces shard by shard and getting cut and scarred in the process. Really, what was the freaking prize? A good/great f*** and a some good conversations? the life promised was never a promise that he was going to deliver in the first place.
Walking away Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Cat, I don't have much to add. Everyone has said exactly what I have been thinking. I think the best thing for you to do is adopt my user name and "Walk Away..."
stillafool Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 think this way is a bit better than losing someone to history and familiarity. But in all honesty, either way, the W, the GF, they are the ones who won the prize. We are the ones who are left in the dust to pick up the pieces shard by shard and getting cut and scarred in the process. Really, what was the freaking prize? A good/great f*** and a some good conversations? the life promised was never a promise that he was going to deliver in the first place. Yeah, her big prize was a month after they married he was trying to sleep with me I said no and he still slept around. I talk to him 20 yrs. later and he says he still has a problem with fidelity. A friend of mine saw him and his wife a few weeks ago and he said MM looked terrific but his W looked emaciated and old. I was thinking how he use to work on my nerves with his cheating and I couldn't eat, sleep or think straight. So what was the big f---king prize afterall???
Walking away Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 Feel sorry for his wife. Can you imagine living a life like that? Wondering who he is with and when? Feel sorry for her....I do.
zarathustra Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 . Yeah, her big prize was a month after they married he was trying to sleep with me I said no and he still slept around. I talk to him 20 yrs. later and he says he still has a problem with fidelity. A friend of mine saw him and his wife a few weeks ago and he said MM looked terrific but his W looked emaciated and old. I was thinking how he use to work on my nerves with his cheating and I couldn't eat, sleep or think straight. So what was the big f---king prize afterall??? Exactly what I meant by 'the life he promised was never one that he was going to deliver anyway'. You had a better life than she as you didn't get stuck with a man who cheated on you many times over. She probably knows but like many stay behind for her own reasons and suffer as a result. I agree with WA, feel sorry for her.
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