i thought i was the only one...

[cat]

thank you so much for being here. i honestly thought no one would understand how i got into this situation but there are a lot of people out there, it appears.

 

i don't know what i need, exactly... hope? strength? support? advice?

 

i have been involved in a relationship for 18mos. it's the same way a lot of oyu describe it... kind, loving, caring, emotional. there's a significant age difference-- late 20s to late 50s. he's divorced. we work together, he initiated the relationship initially. it's been overall great but because of the public nature of our jobs, his kids, the age difference, we've kept it a secret.... it's a mutual decision. there would be consequences for both of us to be public right now.

 

for the last 6 mos or so, we've had less contact but still some--still loving and romantic. 3 weeks ago, he took me out to lunch and told me HE WAS GETTING MARRIED. he said he was in love with me but that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone and that he could never give me a typical marriage or babies (which i don't want, but that's beside the point). he also thinks that since he's getting older, the time will come when i realize i don't want to be with him.

 

i'm shocked and devastated, to say the least. i had no idea he was so serious about someone else. he doesn't love her like he loves me. he admits that. since he told me about his wedding, we're back in our relationship full-force, knowing that we love each other, not sure how we're going to handle his upcoming wedding. will i become/continue to be the OW? how will we work together? NC doesn't seem possible. i've tried only once, lasted 2 weeks. i don't see a need for that. i'm not angry at him. i love him, and i want to see him. he loves me and wants to see me.

 

but i do want and know i deserve a real relationship. it's just hard for me to imagine wanting someone else. i love this man. i'm starting to think i should find someone else, just to remind myself that there are other men out there.

 

it's so weird, i'm attractive, intelligent, and i have good self-esteem. i'm not desperate, just sad. i don't want to lose him. in many ways, this has been the best relationship i've had.

 

how do i deal with the grief of this? the transition? my feelings of guilt and immorality? i know his wife deserves the whole of him, it's just that i feel i deserve him too, and i'm better for him than she is.

 

i KNOW he's choosing to marry her and not me, and that fact alone should tell me that he's not worth it. but i'm still sad, confused and hopeful.

 

what do i do??? help.

[whichwayisup]

If he loved you enough he would be marrying you, not someone else. Boy, your MM is such an a**h*** if you don't mind me saying so! WTF is he doing? That is very cruel of him to do to you and honestly, the best thing now you have to do is end it. IF you don't, it will ruin you.

 

will i become/continue to be the OW? how will we work together

NO!! DO NOT continue the relationship and DO NOT become the OW. Quit your job if you have to, or ask for a transfer somewhere else.

 

To help you cope through your loss, think about talking to a therapist. He has broken your heart and in the midst of this, given you a big bulls*** line, that he loves you but not the woman he is planning on marrying - That's like saying you're not good enough, so I'll marry someone else. WTF! Get MAD too!

 

Make him part of your past, and never look back. That is where posting here and getting some help with a therapist will make you better. Don't even think of other men right now, that's not possible because this guy just pulled the rug from under you and then more or less has continued the relationship, fully knowing he's about to marry someone else.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[cat]

If he loved you enough he would be marrying you, not someone else. Boy, your MM is such an a**h*** if you don't mind me saying so! WTF is he doing? That is very cruel of him to do to you and honestly, the best thing now you have to do is end it.

 

 

no, i don't mind you saying so. i actually got a good laugh out of it. the only two people who know about the relationship agree with you, that what he's doing is EXTREMELY a**h***-ish in nature, maybe more so than if he were already in a marriage.

 

NO!! DO NOT continue the relationship and DO NOT become the OW. Quit your job if you have to, or ask for a transfer somewhere else.

 

 

yes, it's just very hard to imagine this. i'm struggling to be strong!

 

To help you cope through your loss, think about talking to a therapist. He has broken your heart and in the midst of this, given you a big bulls*** line, that he loves you but not the woman he is planning on marrying - That's like saying you're not good enough, so I'll marry someone else. WTF! Get MAD too!

 

 

i did start seeing my therapist again, who has encouraged me to be angry! i've never been good at anger. i did get mad at him for this, then it got hard because he just sits there and takes it, like he knows i'm right, then i feel bad. and it doesn't change anything-- he's still getting married. hate isn't the opposite of love. love and hate are so closely related.

 

Make him part of your past, and never look back. That is where posting here and getting some help with a therapist will make you better. Don't even think of other men right now, that's not possible because this guy just pulled the rug from under you and then more or less has continued the relationship, fully knowing he's about to marry someone else.

 

Sorry for your pain.

 

thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. it's SO HARD to stay strong. it's only been 3 weeks i've been dealing with this, and it's honestly been really hard. and i know i'm not "Dealing with it" since i'm still in a relationship!!!! argh. it's hard to stay away.

 

oh, and the KICKER that i forgot to mention is that i'm invited to the wedding (because our entire staff is!) what a kick in the pants, huh??? i haven't come up with a good lie--it will be extremely noticed when i'm not there. but HOW COULD I GO? i mean, go through the receiving line? right.

[whichwayisup]

oh, and the KICKER that i forgot to mention is that i'm invited to the wedding (because our entire staff is!) what a kick in the pants, huh??? i haven't come up with a good lie--it will be extremely noticed when i'm not there. but HOW COULD I GO? i mean, go through the receiving line? right.

I nearly fell out of my chair when I read that! Holy F**K! He has some pretty big balls to invite you to the wedding.

 

You don't need to lie or come up with an excuse. You just say you aren't going. Plain and simple.

 

You owe this man NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! His days of knowing you, daily, personally, intimately are OVER. DO not have sex with him or any kind of intimacy with him ever again! HIS LOSS, not yours. If he wants to settle with someone he doesn't love, well so be it...Unless he's been lying to you and telling you more lines of bull - And he said all that to let you believe he really IS inlove with you, but isn't with the one he is marrying. Lie or no lie, he is not worthy of your time, not worthy of your thoughts.

 

You don't owe him ANYTHING! Please, remember that. Don't let him make you feel bad, guilty or anything negative. He's made his choice, so it's done.

 

If anybody asks, say you have a prior engagement to attend and it's not possible to get out of it. Less detail as possible, as it's noone's business anyway.

 

Stick with therapy. You will eventually get to the angry stage - It's like death. You have to go through all the stages before you can heal and move on. Take it day by day - Hour by hour if you need to.

 

that what he's doing is EXTREMELY a**h***-ish in nature, maybe more so than if he were already in a marriage.

 

It probably hurts more because him marrying someone else is basically saying .....Well, it's pretty self explanitory, I don't have to say it. Sucks big time!

[OzGirl]

Oh, GAWD...I'm literally almost speechless.

 

IF he was married, we'd all understand why you're not able to be with him any time soon (and, let's face it, going by the statistics... *ever*).

 

The fact that he's NOT is like a new concept, and one which stoops way below that of a MM.

 

You want advice? Here's advice.

 

Piss him off. Say to him you're happy he found someone else because this capacity of his to make you feel in love with him whilst he has someone else convinced he feels the same way... if it didn't come out now in this way, then it would have come out at some point. People become more "who they are" as they get older.

 

So, YOU are fortunate he's shown you this ugly, horrible, cruel, weak, shallow, mean, immature, non-sensical, disgusting, lower-than-pond-scum side of him BEFORE you could have become more involved than you are.

 

This is what I hope you can see as being an option for you and it might well be harder than letting him go.

 

Take a good hard long look at yourself. Why do YOU feel compelled to this man? What is it about YOU that can't see beyond the short-lived, meaningless moments you have with him. Why don't you expect better for yourself? Why do you think YOU should settle for this?

 

Don't you think you're good enough for anyone else? Does he make you feel more beautiful than anyone else? Does he make you feel special? If so, then why is a man like this able to make you feel this way?

 

At what point in your life are you going to, instead of asking questions about him and why he's doing this, start asking yourself why it matters anyway? You can't control him. CLEARLY you can't control him.

 

Let him go. Just deal with the pain and the dissappointment this relationship has resulted the way it has, and LET HIM GO.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how absolutely reeeeeeeeeediculous this is, what he is doing vs what he is saying. Could he be more full of s***?

 

He has the absolute option to be with you, any day, of any week, of any month, in any year, and look at what he's decided to do instead.

 

Do you really need US to give you advice or spell out what is plain and obvious?

 

I can't half-care about this post and offer you my sympathy or condolences.

 

Get off your ass, and be strong and DEMAND better for YOURSELF. Stop accepting this utter crap.

 

Then, make a decision - go NC, then come here and tell us how hard it is and I tell you what, every time you post, I, and many many other good and strong and genuinely caring and decent people will become better friends to you than you ever thought a forum could bring to you. But, seriously, we can't help you if you can't help yourself first.

 

It will be hard to go NC. It will be hard to stay 'with' him. It will be hard either way. It's up to you to make a choice about what you KNOW is the best thing for you, should you be able to convince yourself you deserve it.

 

You do. Every person does.

 

You really are in a mess, and ya know... yeah, it hurts like hell. Be strong and start warming yourself up for the exercise of eradicating him from your heart, because you might need all the strength you have, and then hope there's more where that came from. BUT, you can do it.

 

I thought MM were a**h***s, but your man? He has defined a whole knew level of a**h*** of sub-terranian levels.

 

How dare he do this to you, and HOW DARE YOU LET HIM.

 

Bite the bullet and get over this one as fast as you can. He ain't worth you.

[movinon05]

I don't think I could add any more verbs or expletives to describe my astonishment and to describe this man - if you could call him that!!!! Ozgirl did very well!!

 

I want to reiterate what she is saying about you! Your anger over this should override ANYTHING he has to say to you! This is truly reeeeeeediculous!! Get angry and STAY angry! This is absurd!!! Do you REALLY believe what he is telling you??????

 

My God, you deserve so much more than this! He has shown his true colors, the f-ing JO!!!!

 

You have got to pick yourself up and get rid of him in your heart and in your mind NOW!!! Do not worry about what other people think about you not going to his wedding either! Do you really think you could sit through that and act normal! You'd probably give away more about your feelings if you DID go!! Make any old excuse you can and do NOT go to that wedding! This has to be about YOU now! Continue your therapy because you are going to need it!! I can't think of anything more insulting right now than what he has done and is about to do. Don't you see if he really did love you, he would not be marrying someone else!! He's so full of bullshyt! He has put HIMSELF first! Not you!! You are now his sideshow! Don't allow him to take advantage of you like this!

 

Please, think better of yourself. You are a human being with real feelings and he has punched you in the gut, knocked you down, stepped all over you, and left you in the gutter like a dead animal!! He's should be ASHAMED of himself!! And you should be angry enough to punch HIM in the face (or between the legs!) and walk away without having to explain a thing!!! Damn!!

[Sami_D]

Hello cat.

 

because of the public nature of our jobs, his kids, the age difference, we've kept it a secret.... it's a mutual decision. there would be consequences for both of us to be public right now.

 

Well there definitely would be consequences NOW for you going public... I don't expect his fiance would be too impressed. But... the past 18 months of being hidden..? Why? And this 'mutual decision', all these 'we's... sounds to me like he has you well and truly thinking the way he does. In no way is it 'better' for a man to keep a relationship hidden... unless he's up to no good. And sure enough, he was.

 

3 weeks ago, he took me out to lunch and told me HE WAS GETTING MARRIED. he said he was in love with me but that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone and that he could never give me a typical marriage or babies (which i don't want, but that's beside the point). he also thinks that since he's getting older, the time will come when i realize i don't want to be with him. .

 

What a LOAD OF BS.

 

it's just that i feel i deserve him too, and i'm better for him than she is.

 

This is the worst piece of twisted reasoning I've ever read. He's made his choice, for whatever reasons, and made it clear that you're going to be the woman on the side, forever hidden, forever denied. Nice. WHY are you letting him do this??

 

i'm shocked and devastated, to say the least. i had no idea he was so serious about someone else. he doesn't love her like he loves me. he admits that. since he told me about his wedding, we're back in our relationship full-force, knowing that we love each other, not sure how we're going to handle his upcoming wedding..

 

We we we we we... we my arse. I've read some atrocious things on this forum, but this takes the biscuit. HOW can you possibly see this as 'you and him against circumstance' when he's not even married her yet??

 

i'm not angry at him. [and in another post] ... i've never been good at anger. i did get mad at him for this, then it got hard because he just sits there and takes it, like he knows i'm right, then i feel bad..

 

Well here's your problem. This piece of **** walks all over you. Keeps you a secret when there was no reason to (no, there wasn't). Two-times you (that's not dating other people, in the open, but proposing to another woman you didn't even know existed, btw.), announces his marriage, and STILL manages to kid you into bed with him..? Wow. That's some smooth-talker.

 

WHY aren't you angry? Your therapist is right... you need to work on that. ANGER is not bad. Anger is good. Anger is what you get when someone treats you like a piece of ****. It tells you when you're being taken for a MUG. YOU do NOT have to feel bad for feeling anger.

 

My advice to you is to allow yourself to GET angry at him and tell him where he can go take himself.

[OzGirl]

Like Groucho Marx once said....

 

"He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."

 

He could well be marrying this woman because she doesn't have the 'low' expectations you do of a partner. She probably wouldn't settle for a cheating man... but you do?

[Alexandra]

Hi Cat,

 

I wasn't going to reply to this despite reading it because I knew I'd get a lot of smack for saying the following but I will regardless maybe it helps you.

 

What everyone else said is potentially true indeed. And you have to understand that IS indeed what everything looks like from the outside and people are outraged for your sake. Some of the things said above are of great value, you could indeed IMO use a trip to the origins of "why I have this happening to me and why would I accept it." Having a therapist is great, it will help with the trip.

 

However one important point on the anger. While it's disastrous not to let yourself feel it if you have it, it's equally damaging to feel it because you "ought to". In other words if there is anger inside, you need to find it and exorcise it but you do NOT under any circumstances need to fake anger or feel a certain way because a bunch of people on a forum (no matter how well intended) were disagreeing and appauled by your choices.

 

If you rationally feel you should be angry but feel you can't express it then you need to tell your therapis and he/she will hopefully help with it. But don't push yourself to feel any other way than you would naturally for peer pressure only.

 

Good luck.

 

To everyone else, especially to those that will jump on me for this. I do understand everyone here went through it and most of the feelings involved are common as are the phases. However please remember that we're all different, we all have our own sequence of emotions and those NEED to progress naturally. What if anger just isn't an emotion that someone needs in this instance? Do they still HAVE to feel it? What if grief simply never comes to another? What if they don't feel guilt? Should we stone those people that went through the same circumstances and yet are not feeling a matching set of emotions? I understand the need to relate and I do know everything everyone here says is from a genuine desire to help but please let's always remember that no matter how alike we're still different.

[OzGirl]

Cat - if you feel angry, then feel it and let it motivate you to change your situation for the better.

 

If you don't, then I would suggest it represents how much this really bothers you anyway, which, IMHO, is GOOD because it shouldn't be too hard to get rid of this piece of crap.

 

Alexander - thanks for stating the obvious. It's really what's needed - a massive blab on anger and whether we should expect Cat to feel it or not.

 

Anyway, back to the point.... about this man and what he's done versus what he says....

 

I'm angry just reading it. I hope Cat is so furious she has steam coming out of her ears. Hopefully, she will gain some energy from that and turn it into a positive.

[whichwayisup]

Cat eventually (I hope!) will get to the anger stage. She has to go through the phases of it, just like a death in the family or any other kind of huge loss that has such an impact on one's life. Her being in therapy is a good thing and I'm sure her therapist will be working on this with her - To make sure she is handling this in a healthy way.

[movinon05]

Alexandra,

 

You know, I can really understand what you are saying. But I see something of myself in Cat in the way I was years ago.

 

All of the things my MM did to me, and there were many, his outrageous lies were probably the worst, I would get angry at first and then he would be able to sweet talk me back into a state of miserable acceptance and just letting it go. Letting him get away with it. And it would fall to the recesses of my mind.

 

Yes, I am angry for Cat right now only because I am stronger than I was. And she is not strong enough yet. But I would hate to see her play out what I did back then. I was so easily manipulated and I literally HATE the person I was because I did not stand up for myself and expect more for myself. And that is what I see Cat doing now. I want to see her love herself more and expect more for herself and be able to rise above what he is telling her. Of course, she would have to go through the whole process I did by being hurt over and over til it gets to the point that she won't take it anymore.

 

Seriously, I'm more concerned for her well being and self worth than I am over any anger she should be feeling. But anger also helps propel you into thinking about yourself as well. Unfortunately, she may very well have to go through the process to get there.

[movinon05]

Cat - if you feel angry, then feel it and let it motivate you to change your situation for the better.

 

If you don't, then I would suggest it represents how much this really bothers you anyway, which, IMHO, is GOOD because it shouldn't be too hard to get rid of this piece of crap.

 

Alexander - thanks for stating the obvious. It's really what's needed - a massive blab on anger and whether we should expect Cat to feel it or not.

 

Anyway, back to the point.... about this man and what he's done versus what he says....

 

I'm angry just reading it. I hope Cat is so furious she has steam coming out of her ears. Hopefully, she will gain some energy from that and turn it into a positive.

 

This happened a few weeks ago. And it doesn't look to me like she is angry from what she has posted. That is why I say it looks like she is relinquishing her anger and believing all the crappy lines he is feeding her.

[whichwayisup]

Problem is too, her way of thinking and handling things right NOW. She has blinders on and isn't quite ready to take that step back and see the full picture. She is torn between loving this man, not wanting to believe the bulls*** he's thrown her way. She isn't capable - yet - of seeing what we all see. Hopefully in time, she'll open her eyes abit more and see what is really going on. Until then, there's nothing anyone can do except listen to her, help her open her eyes and be patient.

 

I have confidence that Cat will figure it out and do what she has to do to end things with him.

[movinon05]

WWIU

 

You're right. She is not capable right now. Which is why we come here like gangbusters trying to expect that she has learned what we have learned. Perhaps now we just have to hope she will learn from our mistakes by reading and posting here, with our support.

[Alexandra]

Alexander - thanks for stating the obvious.

 

It's not necessarily the obvious to her. Nothing is all that obvious to someone confused and hurting and in this particular case you have ample proof she's disoriented and unclear on what's what. Beyond that I won't answer you on any of the threads OzGirl, you give solid advice at times but you're also immensly angry still yourself hence any opposing view would only give you reason to blow up. Nothing wrong with your approach it's just that I find I don't interact too well with people who have a very "do it this way" tone and I try to avoid conflict on here for obvious reasons.

 

Yes, I am angry for Cat right now only because I am stronger than I was. And she is not strong enough yet. But I would hate to see her play out what I did back then. I was so easily manipulated and I literally HATE the person I was because I did not stand up for myself and expect more for myself. And that is what I see Cat doing now. I want to see her love herself more and expect more for herself and be able to rise above what he is telling her. Of course, she would have to go through the whole process I did by being hurt over and over til it gets to the point that she won't take it anymore.

 

Thank you for stating that Movinon05, that's all I meant in the first place. I read many of your posts, and I think that despite how you may not think so at all times, you have a very healthy attitude and are in a good place where you can emphasise things for people who need your clarity.

 

Seriously, I'm more concerned for her well being and self worth than I am over any anger she should be feeling. But anger also helps propel you into thinking about yourself as well. Unfortunately, she may very well have to go through the process to get there.

 

I know you are concerned with her well being, anyone who posted here is. I never thought anyone dished out judgements only, that was never my point. All I wanted to do is remind people of the process and how no one has to jump over steps (or TO specific steps) although that's tempting to a confused person who's hurting.

 

The only reason I posted that to Cat is because I do hope she takes her time with the process, typically people go towards forums and friends before they get into therapy. I've worked with very many people dealing with strongly emotional times who first went on support forums and many felt compelled to feel a certain way because it was the norm. Surely we can all agree it's not necessarily helpful to them.

[Sami_D]

However one important point on the anger. While it's disastrous not to let yourself feel it if you have it, it's equally damaging to feel it because you "ought to". In other words if there is anger inside, you need to find it and exorcise it but you do NOT under any circumstances need to fake anger or feel a certain way because a bunch of people on a forum (no matter how well intended) were disagreeing and appauled by your choices.

 

If you rationally feel you should be angry but feel you can't express it then you need to tell your therapis and he/she will hopefully help with it. But don't push yourself to feel any other way than you would naturally for peer pressure only.

 

Good luck.

 

To everyone else, especially to those that will jump on me for this. I do understand everyone here went through it and most of the feelings involved are common as are the phases. However please remember that we're all different, we all have our own sequence of emotions and those NEED to progress naturally. What if anger just isn't an emotion that someone needs in this instance? Do they still HAVE to feel it?.

 

"I've never been good at anger."

 

These are cat's words.

 

He's treated her in a way that deserves a reaction and... she's not angry at him. I'd agree with her... she isn't good at anger.

 

I was the same... always thinking... if I got angry with someone... they would hate me/discard me... walk away from me... punish me. I don't think I'm projecting here (maybe wrong). I couldn't get angry at all until I was pushed beyond reason by someone and the all HELL would break lose. THAT is having a problem with anger. Being angry and telling someone, I'm angry! is just fine (I learnt, eventually).

 

No one is telling cat she 'has to' be angry with MM.

 

And, for the record... I've been angry with MM a few times, for particular things, for the hurt I feel. But it's really very little when I consider all the good things about him, and about what we had. So don't assume that I'm some wailing anti-MM banshee wearing dungarees with a shaved head or something.

 

And... I'm not going to jump all over you. I don't know you from Adam... not sure if that's because I've been not reading for a short while and have missed something or if you're new today... but hello, anyway, and welcome!

[Sami_D]

Alexandra.

 

I think Cat's probably intelligent enough to know that a bunch of people online saying "Anyone would feel angry at this! Feel angry! It's fine!" means... she's being treated badly and is not reacting 'normally' to something.

 

She's not being 'forced' to do anything.

 

I think I remember some of your posts now... someone involved in therapy somewhere...?

 

Well... this isn't therapy. We're not therapists. We're a group of people who have been through the same kinds of things. We don't have to stand back, be professional, observe the process. However right that may be for her... she's come to a forum... and she's going to get some visceral reactions

 

It's like life... you tell a friend what happened and they say... WHAT THE HELL were you thinking!!!! (that's not therapy, but it's useful )

 

And I for one am saying... ffs... this would make ME angry!

 

I think the message is clear.

[movinon05]

Yeah, I would get angry and then subside because I was afraid of losing him. And I'm sure now once he sees I'm not so easily manipulated, he'll have another animal to deal with. I have no doubt he would know that any anger I might have is totally justified at this point. Especially when he chuckled over the fact that I put the tables back on his lawn! He knows!

[Alexandra]

And this is why I had doubts that I should ever post in this section of LS...

 

Well... this isn't therapy. We're not therapists.

 

I am...hence the tone and my equally visceral need of pointing out people don't "have to" anything when it comes to feelings.

 

We're a group of people who have been through the same kinds of things.

 

I am that too which is why I'm not sure I should be disqualified from the forum section, maybe I should just stick around and piss everyone off.

 

Neah, I never intended to upset you regulars but I have asked before and I will again and if the general trend is that my seemingly cold and calculated approach is not welcomed I'll just avoid this section.

[movinon05]

And this is why I had doubts that I should ever post in this section of LS...

 

 

 

I am...hence the tone and my equally visceral need of pointing out people don't "have to" anything when it comes to feelings.

 

 

 

I am that too which is why I'm not sure I should be disqualified from the forum section, maybe I should just stick around and piss everyone off.

 

Neah, I never intended to upset you regulars but I have asked before and I will again and if the general trend is that my seemingly cold and calculated approach is not welcomed I'll just avoid this section.

 

Personally, on this subject, I don't think your approach is cold and calculated. You made some very valid points and also addressed the regular posters.

[Sami_D]

Stick around. Don't be shy.

 

You're not ruffling anything of mine, to be honest. I'm very capable of being 'cold' too. Doesn't mean I won't speak frankly on any topic, quite the opposite.

[alwayslearn]

I think that Alexandra offers a tremedous amount of insight from another vantage point. When someone seeks advice and/or knowledge a wealth of diverse opinions surely is an advantage. I think that it is easy to simply disgard someone's opinions when they are not consistent with our own

views on various subjects. If one will read and truly absorb Alexandra's

replies, I think you will see that she merely offers another "point of view."

[NoIDidn't]

thank you so much for being here. i honestly thought no one would understand how i got into this situation but there are a lot of people out there, it appears.

 

i don't know what i need, exactly... hope? strength? support? advice?

 

i have been involved in a relationship for 18mos. it's the same way a lot of oyu describe it... kind, loving, caring, emotional. there's a significant age difference-- late 20s to late 50s. he's divorced. we work together, he initiated the relationship initially. it's been overall great but because of the public nature of our jobs, his kids, the age difference, we've kept it a secret.... it's a mutual decision. there would be consequences for both of us to be public right now.

 

for the last 6 mos or so, we've had less contact but still some--still loving and romantic. 3 weeks ago, he took me out to lunch and told me HE WAS GETTING MARRIED. he said he was in love with me but that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone and that he could never give me a typical marriage or babies (which i don't want, but that's beside the point). he also thinks that since he's getting older, the time will come when i realize i don't want to be with him.

 

i'm shocked and devastated, to say the least. i had no idea he was so serious about someone else. he doesn't love her like he loves me. he admits that. since he told me about his wedding, we're back in our relationship full-force, knowing that we love each other, not sure how we're going to handle his upcoming wedding. will i become/continue to be the OW? how will we work together? NC doesn't seem possible. i've tried only once, lasted 2 weeks. i don't see a need for that. i'm not angry at him. i love him, and i want to see him. he loves me and wants to see me.

 

but i do want and know i deserve a real relationship. it's just hard for me to imagine wanting someone else. i love this man. i'm starting to think i should find someone else, just to remind myself that there are other men out there.

 

it's so weird, i'm attractive, intelligent, and i have good self-esteem. i'm not desperate, just sad. i don't want to lose him. in many ways, this has been the best relationship i've had.

 

how do i deal with the grief of this? the transition? my feelings of guilt and immorality? i know his wife deserves the whole of him, it's just that i feel i deserve him too, and i'm better for him than she is.

 

i KNOW he's choosing to marry her and not me, and that fact alone should tell me that he's not worth it. but i'm still sad, confused and hopeful.

 

what do i do??? help.

 

 

cat, first off everyone else has already said great things so I can't add much other than a tad of personal history.

 

My grandfather could have been your guy. He was a MM when my gm met him and his W died. They had several children together, but he still kept the relationship secret since she lived in another state an hour away. Well, when she was making her usual trip to see him she couldn't because, he got married. She was devastated and lost her mind. Literally.

 

Leave him alone. You don't need this. I dated a guy who had an on again off again R with his GF. Then I heard through the grapevine that he was getting married. I asked him about it and he told me, yes. Told me he wanted me to be his mistress - forever. I dumped him. Don't let this guy sh*t on you like that.

[Jessie61]

Oh, GAWD...I'm literally almost speechless.

 

IF he was married, we'd all understand why you're not able to be with him any time soon (and, let's face it, going by the statistics... *ever*).

 

The fact that he's NOT is like a new concept, and one which stoops way below that of a MM.

 

You want advice? Here's advice.

 

Piss him off. Say to him you're happy he found someone else because this capacity of his to make you feel in love with him whilst he has someone else convinced he feels the same way... if it didn't come out now in this way, then it would have come out at some point. People become more "who they are" as they get older.

 

So, YOU are fortunate he's shown you this ugly, horrible, cruel, weak, shallow, mean, immature, non-sensical, disgusting, lower-than-pond-scum side of him BEFORE you could have become more involved than you are.

 

This is what I hope you can see as being an option for you and it might well be harder than letting him go.

 

Take a good hard long look at yourself. Why do YOU feel compelled to this man? What is it about YOU that can't see beyond the short-lived, meaningless moments you have with him. Why don't you expect better for yourself? Why do you think YOU should settle for this?

 

Don't you think you're good enough for anyone else? Does he make you feel more beautiful than anyone else? Does he make you feel special? If so, then why is a man like this able to make you feel this way?

 

At what point in your life are you going to, instead of asking questions about him and why he's doing this, start asking yourself why it matters anyway? You can't control him. CLEARLY you can't control him.

 

Let him go. Just deal with the pain and the dissappointment this relationship has resulted the way it has, and LET HIM GO.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how absolutely reeeeeeeeeediculous this is, what he is doing vs what he is saying. Could he be more full of s***?

 

He has the absolute option to be with you, any day, of any week, of any month, in any year, and look at what he's decided to do instead.

 

Do you really need US to give you advice or spell out what is plain and obvious?

 

I can't half-care about this post and offer you my sympathy or condolences.

 

Get off your ass, and be strong and DEMAND better for YOURSELF. Stop accepting this utter crap.

 

Then, make a decision - go NC, then come here and tell us how hard it is and I tell you what, every time you post, I, and many many other good and strong and genuinely caring and decent people will become better friends to you than you ever thought a forum could bring to you. But, seriously, we can't help you if you can't help yourself first.

 

It will be hard to go NC. It will be hard to stay 'with' him. It will be hard either way. It's up to you to make a choice about what you KNOW is the best thing for you, should you be able to convince yourself you deserve it.

 

You do. Every person does.

 

You really are in a mess, and ya know... yeah, it hurts like hell. Be strong and start warming yourself up for the exercise of eradicating him from your heart, because you might need all the strength you have, and then hope there's more where that came from. BUT, you can do it.

 

I thought MM were a**h***s, but your man? He has defined a whole knew level of a**h*** of sub-terranian levels.

 

How dare he do this to you, and HOW DARE YOU LET HIM.

 

Bite the bullet and get over this one as fast as you can. He ain't worth you.

 

OzGirl,

 

Once again, you have beat me to it! And with such style that any elaboration from me in unnecessary!

 

Cat, make sure you read OzGirl post over and over again.... I wish you all the best. I just cannot believe that a person could do what your BF(soon- to be exMM - I don't know how to describe him!!) did to you! Stay with us. We are on your side!!!