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MM says he is seriously thinking of leaving wife. Perspective needed.

yesmaybe

By yesmaybe
in The Other Man / Woman

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Sami_D Established Member

Sami_D

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Woo... hold on.

 

Empirical means it's also testable by reference to actual numbers/facts.

 

I did research some actual numbers.

 

I think if you say 'the numbers say such and such' and they do... then what you're stating is a fact..?

 

I've been searching through my old emails that have the numbers somwhere in them. Only problem is that it's in an email I sent to MM, which is in my 'MM folder'... which it's breaking my heart to open and read.

movinon05 Established Member

movinon05

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Woo... hold on.

 

Empirical means it's also testable by reference to actual numbers/facts.

 

I did research some actual numbers.

 

I think if you say 'the numbers say such and such' and they do... then what you're stating is a fact..?

 

I've been searching through my old emails that have the numbers somwhere in them. Only problem is that it's in an email I sent to MM, which is in my 'MM folder'... which it's breaking my heart to open and read.

 

Then don't go there. Its just not that important!!

Sami_D Established Member

Sami_D

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Then don't go there. Its just not that important!!

 

You're right, it's not. LOL.

 

(only... he's such a sweetheart... lol... couldn't help reading a couple... *sigh*)

Alexandra Established Member

Alexandra

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You're right, it's not. LOL.

 

(only... he's such a sweetheart... lol... couldn't help reading a couple... *sigh*)

 

*Sigh* I'll echo what Movinon said, it sure isn't that important! You may very well have an accurate statistics, I was just reacting to what seemed like a generalisation but I did so on gutts and without data as props. Bad LS day, certainly don't need to be cause for someone breaking NC in any shape or form...:o

OzGirl Established Member

OzGirl

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According to the book "This Affair is Over" by Nanette Miner Ed. D & Sandi Terri, the age groups are, and I quote:

 

Most extramarital affairs are between married men and single women. Most women are between the ages of 20 and 40 (65%) when their affair starts, while the men are between 30 and 40 years old (78%).

According to their preface, their stats are from hundreds of surveys and interviews.

 

I looked up "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass for her stats, but couldn't find them... *it's getting late and I'm tired*

Sami_D Established Member

Sami_D

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*Sigh* I'll echo what Movinon said, it sure isn't that important! You may very well have an accurate statistics, I was just reacting to what seemed like a generalisation but I did so on gutts and without data as props. Bad LS day, certainly don't need to be cause for someone breaking NC in any shape or form...:o

 

Hey, don't worry, I'm not going to break NC. LOL.

 

And as I said, my statistics were just numbers from another forum. And I'm sure online worry-forums aren't a great predictor of anything, but they were very skewed towards older MM, younger OW.

lovernotafighter Established Member

lovernotafighter

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LNAF - not sure if you're post reads like you think it's a good idea or a bad idea...lol

 

lol! ohh I thought your post was very very good...I meant if I really want to put the nail in A's coffin this is all I'd have to :-) but like you said I haven't told anyone the extent of this..my mom and sister are aware I'm having a EA with a little sugar..but not to where they know it's effecting all areas of my life..know what I'm saying?

 

so that would be the problem,finding a friend to to tell him they know...but I would feel bad,so I probably won't do that unless he servery screws up.

 

 

I've re-organised your post a little:

So... you were "only the OW" (I like his honesty, if nothing else), then you start dating, met someone 'awesome', told MM, and he's suddenly promising you babies and "seriously considering" leaving his wife..? :lmao:

"Seriously considering" is not leaving. It's a line. It's a direct response to you having the audacity to get a life that doesn't involve him.

Call his bluff. This could be hilarious.

 

yep,listen to sami here...I posted I did this exact thing and my MM made zillion and one excuses...this was all after I told him to quit talking about leaving his wife to be with me...see I am getting a divorce and he kept bring up our future...I called him to the mat cause I didn't know what to believe.

 

the proof was all in his reaction...excuse after excuse right? he came to me the next day with the same song and dance of coarse and then he back tracks...he can't control his urge to act like he will have a future with me because he knows once I'm single there won't be a us...ever.

 

it's all about control..he wants to control you,just as my MM wants to control me.

Seen_It_All Established Member

Seen_It_All

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Oh BOY did SamiD get it right - this guy is page #4 of the Midlife Crisis Catalog. For me, there's a certain 'ick' factor because he's 50 and you're in your 20's. That's pretty disgusting on his part.

 

He obviously sees you as a breath of youthful, fresh air. He won't be the first FOOL that acts like this in mid-life, and he certainly won't be the last. Has he bought a Harley or a Corvette yet? That's next if he hasn't as yet. Just yuk.

 

You seem like an intelligent young lady. This guy sounds like a lech whose trying to re-live his youth through you.

aktieb0cka Member

aktieb0cka

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My MM told me that he was going to leave his wife. He told her and his still went back two weeks later. I learned an important lesson. Don't ever think they are going to leave until he has divorce papers and the ink is dry. Never again will I ever make that mistake!!!

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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What a user/loser this MM is!!! The moment you get a chance at a decent, happy relationship with a single, available man, he amps his manipulative lies up to another level!

 

Simple rule of thumb: Look at his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. All the OW on LS will tell you how MM can blow an arena full of smoke with their lying, manipulative words. They will truly say WHATEVER it takes.

 

How much kinder they would be to say, "Let's just have a little fling on the side, and I'll go back to my wife." Heck, they might even get some takers! But now, it has to be, "You're my soulmate, I want babies with you, I have never felt such bliss before, you are the perfect woman, let's grow old together." And then 2 weeks later, RADIO SILENCE!!!

 

BLECCCCHHHH!

zarathustra Established Member

zarathustra

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My MM told me that he was going to leave his wife. He told her and his still went back two weeks later. I learned an important lesson. Don't ever think they are going to leave until he has divorce papers and the ink is dry. Never again will I ever make that mistake!!!

 

I'll drink to that... heck, I'll drink to anything these days....

 

to the OP, I want to let you know that I was so naive to believe my xMM when he told me he is leaving his wife. He said that he cannot imagine his life without me in it. He told her that he was in love with someone else her the day I took possession of my apartment (I was going through a separation at the time). He moved in with me that same day because his wife kicked him out.

 

3.5 months later, he was begging her to move home.

 

I'm so glad to hear you have a single guy that you've been dating. Focus on that relationship as the other has the potential of much heartache.

 

ummm... to the person who said the mm is having a mid-life crisis... does this mean I had mine early? IMHO, I think its really shallow thinking to just categorize someone who fell in love with someone younger was suffering a mid life crisis.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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See where his loyalties REALLY lay, and speed up the inevitable process. This will only end when his wife finds out, and I'm sorry to say, she won't leave him for it... she will just have him soooooo riddled with shame and guilt he will do ANYTHING to keep her and make her happy, and that will include treating you like you no longer exist, let alone matter.

 

You better believe his loyalty is with his wife. We as the OW rarely say anything bad about their wives to them. If you talk about her badly to him watch how quickly he will defend her. I had a friend who had an A with a MM. The W knew of her. The MM was telling my friend how much she meant to him, was going to tell and leave his wife and that he was in love with her. She ran into he and his wife at a basketball game and went over to them. She said he wouldn't take his eyes off his wife and treated her as someone he had known 100 years ago. This was just after 2 days ago when he told her how he wanted her. He got so angry with my friend for coming over to see them and broke it off with her. She told his W she was still seeing him. He told his W my friend was a liar and wouldn't leave him a lone. Who do you think his W believed? You're right! On top of that it probably brought he and his W closer.

Jessie61 Established Member

Jessie61

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I've re-organised your post a little:

 

 

 

So... you were "only the OW" (I like his honesty, if nothing else), then you start dating, met someone 'awesome', told MM, and he's suddenly promising you babies and "seriously considering" leaving his wife..? :lmao:

 

"Seriously considering" is not leaving. It's a line. It's a direct response to you having the audacity to get a life that doesn't involve him.

 

Call his bluff. This could be hilarious.

 

 

Yesmaybe,

 

I was wondering myself if the real reason your MM got so cozy recently isn't the fact that this other hunk entered the scene....? I just know that MM's are capable of saying and doing anything to keep you hanging in there and also to eliminate any "competition"....

 

Hmmmmm, I'd be careful before I got my hopes up....

zarathustra Established Member

zarathustra

Posted
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Yesmaybe,

 

I was wondering myself if the real reason your MM got so cozy recently isn't the fact that this other hunk entered the scene....? I just know that MM's are capable of saying and doing anything to keep you hanging in there and also to eliminate any "competition"....

 

Hmmmmm, I'd be careful before I got my hopes up....

I agree with Jesse. From the errors in my ways, even if he was to leave, he needs to leave for himself and not for you. Even if he does leave his wife, he is leaving a familiar situation. Again, from my own experience, if I had to do over, I would have waited until he was truly over the previous relationship before getting involved. I wouldn't wait around for him though. Go on with life and enjoy it. Its sad, but its so easy for these guys to make promises and its just as easy for them to break them.

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yesmaybe Established Member

yesmaybe

Posted
  • Author
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Everyone is correct - like every OW in love, it's easy for me to say, "but our situation is DIFFERENT."

 

JF and I had a 2 hour lunch today. To discuss our relationship. And I was surprised at the excuses-disguised-as-reason that he threw at me. I rebutted all of them, and ultimately, he admitted that he was in the wrong.

 

I'm not so unreasonable as to think that it's a piece of cake to break away from an 18-year marriage, especially when there is an 11-year-old son involved. But then he has no business telling me stuff like "you are my heaven and home." Because last time I checked..."home" is with his wife. Man, that's just selfish, saying sweet things just so I won't leave him!

 

And, would I want to be with a man who would lie to his wife, and deprive her of a real relationship, just so he doesn't have to be alone? Again...selfish!

 

Just to clarify...he's not a bad man. He's a total disaster as a husband, but professionally he is known for being a man of integrity. And he and his son adore each other. What he is is weak, easily led astray, selfish. But he's not bad.

 

I've resolved that I will break things off with him. I'm not going to make a big production of it. But starting immediately, I will no longer give him a romantic relationship.

 

I am not worried about my job - he is a fair, good boss and we are very professional.

 

I see no reason to totally ignore him - again, I still have the emotional distance from the last NC in my favor. But it's still hard. On the upside, the first 2 weeks may be difficult, but it does get easier as time goes on. And it especially get easier as I see other people.

 

*sad sigh* I guess it's really over.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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SO, when he tells you those 'sweet things' tell him to STOP saying it. They're JUST words, something he feels at the time, in the moment.

 

Keep strong and take it day by day.

 

Just to clarify...he's not a bad man. He's a total disaster as a husband, but professionally he is known for being a man of integrity. And he and his son adore each other. What he is is weak, easily led astray, selfish. But he's not bad.

 

He may not be a 'bad' man, but he's made some 'bad' choices. What is he teaching his son? It's okay to cheat on mommy and have a woman on the side. All I'm saying is, kids are NOT dumb, and they pick-up on energy around them. And, the snoop, listen in on conversations...It's something to be aware of. So, if he thinks his child may not have a clue, he's fooling himself. (Unless the kid is a toddler or less than 10 years old.)

movinon05 Established Member

movinon05

Posted
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Yeah, I learned a long time ago words are words are words are words.

 

Still doesn't get you anywhere and it doesn't mean a thing after awhile. We all hear those words, hear the promises and excuses, and get shyt on in the end.

 

Take one day at a time. You can do it. Just keep posting when the ride gets hard (or not). We're here.

zarathustra Established Member

zarathustra

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Just to clarify...he's not a bad man. He's a total disaster as a husband, but professionally he is known for being a man of integrity. And he and his son adore each other. What he is is weak, easily led astray, selfish. But he's not bad.

This portion really caught my eye. That he and his sone adore each other. YMB, when I read that, I recall my xMM telling me that his son is a spitting image of him and that they are glued at the hips. I said, "if that's the case, I think that you need to stay home and work on your marriage. I don't think that you can be a part time dad". He responded, "I love you. I only want to be with you. I don't want my son and daughter to grow up watching how unhappy their dad is with their mom. I want us to set an example of love and respect and when they see me happy, they will be happy for me.". He left his wife and 5 months later, he moved home. I fell for it like some dumb, teenage, lovesick girl. I was such a foool. I only hope that you will stay strong in your resolve so as to not walk the same stupid and heart wrenching path I had to travel. If any good can come out of my R with my xMM, I hope that other women will not have to suffer like I did.

 

I am not worried about my job - he is a fair, good boss and we are very professional.

 

I see no reason to totally ignore him - again, I still have the emotional distance from the last NC in my favor. But it's still hard. On the upside, the first 2 weeks may be difficult, but it does get easier as time goes on. And it especially get easier as I see other people.

 

*sad sigh* I guess it's really over.

I work with mine and though he is not my 'boss' I do report indirectly to him. I find it very difficult when he turns a professional conversation into a personal conversation and I feel truly drained from it. I don't know why its taking me so long to get over things as I am not one to want what's not mine. I am always happy when good things happen to people, never wondering why good things don't necessarily befall me, but in this instance, I'm not happy.

 

Anyway, we're all here with you and for you. Good luck!

aktieb0cka Member

aktieb0cka

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Zarathustra,

 

Ha! You have a great sense of humor! I am sure that is quite helpful. I truly feel why the hell are you wasting my time and everyone else’s time, because you can not decide and they say woman are fickle! I guess that is the difference between men and woman. When it comes to beer and sports a man knows what he wants, but women that is another story!!

 

Yes, I am very lucky to have my BF. He is really trying to be supportive. I give him a lot of credit. He is a saint!!

 

Just so you know, they are called quarter-life crisis. I know I definitely had one (25-right on time!) and I think that is what MM and I shared. LOL

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