MM says he is seriously thinking of leaving wife. Perspective needed.

May 13, 2006

I just came back from a week-long out-of-country business trip. JF was on the trip with me. And our relationship jumped to another level during this trip.

Two days ago, he told me he loves me deeply, desperately. He said he wants to have babies with me. He said he is seriously considering leaving his wife. Now, JF is a serious, stoic man who does not say things lightly.

But, I do know from other posts that men often promise and never leave. And every OW thinks, "our situation is different." While I have tried my best to keep my head on straight, I am now overwhelmed by feelings of hope and optimism.

Here is my full backstory, but just a quick summary:

I am 27, single, never married, no kids

JF is 50, married 15 years, 11-year-old son, and is my boss.

We've had this affair for about a year.

About 2 months ago, I became fed up with the affair, and started dating other men. I enjoyed it, and met someone awesome (and single).

When I told JF (about a month ago), he was devestated and started opening up to me like never before. Previously, he was always polite, but always pushed me away emotionally and was often brutally blunt (he told me I was strictly the OW, and he would never leave his wife).

He did start to warm up to me very gradually in the past few months, but in the past 2 weeks or so, he has been extremely loving as never before.

I am quite shocked that he told me he is seriously considering leaving his wife. Again...this is a man who has always been brutally blunt and unsentimental with me. So, there is a lot of gravitas for him to confess such a thing.

But I don't want to start sliding back into la-la land - I worked hard in getting over him when I was dating other men. I still have that emotional distance in my favor, but it shrinks with all my rising hope for the future.

But then again, my (perhaps delusional) gut tells me that he is ready to leave his marriage and come to me. Andf that I need to remain receptive.

Any perspective/thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!

May 13, 2006

Shame on you:

#1... for messing with a married man and screwing up a family

#2... for s***ting where you eat!

and #3... for ACTUALLY thinking that he's going to leave! Get over yourself!!! How surprising that once he thought he might lose you to a younger, single man, decided to "open up". Pathetic!!

He has obviously had no problems being unfaithful to his current wife... marriage is the largest personal commitment you can make and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. WHat makes you think that you are soooo special that he won't do this to you in 15 years? You should know (especially after reading posts on this site) that you can NEVER expect to change a man. I won't use the classic cliche that applies to this situation because I'm sure you know what it is, i'm sure you've recited it in your head...

Don't forget that if he does leave his wife (long shot!!!) you will ALWAYS be the other woman... in the eyes of his wife, his son, collegues, family etc. Plus, how are you going to feel when 1/2 of your household income goes to his wife? Just whisper "infidelity" near a lawyer and watch the dollar signs in their eyes!!!

You only have one life to live... is this really the person you want to spend that life with? A liar, a cheater and a manipulator? Get out while you're still going with that emotional distance.

May 13, 2006

don't buy into it...I fought my MM tooth and nail to not say things like that to me..and he did anyway. so when I called him to the mat over he did as expected...excuses like a mo-fo..then when he thinks I'm out of his reach he starts his junk all over again.

the thing is..I know my MM is very much like yours in the respect that he is a very serious man..and generally doesn't say thins he doesn't mean..honest to a fault. so the more he talked the more I believed,even when my better judgement told me other wise.

so listen to your head if you can help it and not your heart.

May 13, 2006

About 2 months ago, I became fed up with the affair, and started dating other men. I enjoyed it, and met someone awesome (and single).

so what happened with this guy. If he's awesome and single, why aren't you with him instead of with the guy who's not awesome and not single?

May 13, 2006

everyone is bringing up excellent points.

Target-d: so what happened with this guy. If he's awesome and single, why aren't you with him instead of with the guy who's not awesome and not single?

Single guy is still around. I'm still considering calling him up - I've been on a business trip for 2 weeks (which single guy knew about), so it's not unusual that I haven't contacted him in a while.

But...your implied message that I should contact single guy again is totally right. I will do so tomorrow.

lovernotafighter: Thank you for telling me this. I definitely feel much more objective after reading your post. Just because he is a serious, unsentimental man doesn't mean his declarations of love are actual promises.

vampress1: in 15 years, he will be 65 and probably too tired to leave me (I will be 42). As for finances - they have a pre-nup. But you do have a point that him leaving his wife is a long shot.

Another reason why I'm having problems with perspective - he has told his mother about me. She was mildly disapproving, but told him that I seem "nice" (he showed her a video message I sent to his cell phone).

But...yes, I will try my damndest to keep my distance and continue with my life. And I have some emails from other single guys I haven't answered. I will get right on it.

*frustrated sigh* I guess my hopes for MM are useless.

May 13, 2006

You seem so level headed... how did you get in this mess to begin with?

May 13, 2006

Vampress1: I only recently learned to be level-headed. I wish I had been a year ago.

We started our affair in June 2005. He was in NYC for a week-long business trip. He was very attentive towards me, and I was really flattered. He is an older, attractive, powerful executive and I thought his attention = I am special.

When he went back to his country, I couldn't let go. I knew I was transferring to his office the beginning of this year, so for 6 months, I waited in anticipation to be reunited.

He was, as I mentioned, emotionally distant. He was also very honest that while I was cute and sweet, he was primarily in it for the sex. But, soon the times we spent talking about sex branched off into our personal lives, and I became his confidant.

Thing about JF (and I think many MM who cheat on their wives) - he is a romantic deep down. He looks outside his marriage because he wants that "love rush." But...he is afraid of change. Obviously, he isn't a strong man - far from it. And yet, I loved him even more for his vulnerabilities. I felt so special that this man, who seems so in control and forceful in his career and public life, could drop his facade and be his "real" self with little ol' me.

Then, his father died suddenly. And I was his primary source of comfort - he spent hours on Skype with me, working through his grief. So, our relationship deepened.

However, when I came to his office just a month later, he was incredibly distant, cold. I cried for a month straight.

By month 2, he was warming up to me, but it wasn't good enough. I realized that I needed to grow up and take responsibility for myself. I told him I needed space and broke up contact. Even at work, I ignored him.

Finally, he broke the NC, and started opening up big time. Finally, I told him I was seeing other people. And he was really devestated. From then on, he has been on an impressive mission to win me back.

My saving grace is that I have indeed grown up (a wee bit)...I realize that there are lots of interesting, single men and that JF may not be the best choice for me.

My attachment to him is based on a deep desire for him to "choose" me as being so special that he would walk away from his marriage. But quite honestly, if I dig deep down, I am not sure that I truly want him. I think I'm flattered by his attention, impressed by his credentials, and enthralled with a fantasy of a life we might have together. But I'm not sure that's something solid enough to build a true relationship upon.

Then again, I love him. I love him despite his extreme flaws, and enjoy being his rock. I enjoy being his unofficial shrink. I am very proud and protective of his absolute trust in me.

*sigh* what a f*cked up situation.

May 13, 2006

My attachment to him is based on a deep desire for him to "choose" me as being so special that he would walk away from his marriage. But quite honestly, if I dig deep down, I am not sure that I truly want him. I think I'm flattered by his attention, impressed by his credentials, and enthralled with a fantasy of a life we might have together.

That was incredibly well put, I wish more women would see that part of the love they have is steaming from a sense of competition and wanting to win. I trully think that if all affairs would end up becoming a full time relationship a good percentage wouldn't last once the contest was won...

May 13, 2006

I'm real sorry to say this, but to think that he will leave his wife and child, give up his life, his friends, family, neighbours, the life he knows and is comfortable with isn't ever going to happen. Don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to sound harsh as I can see how much you do love him, but with that being said, I think you're his sexual outlet (the type of fantasy sex he can act out and not act out at home with his wife), and that makes him feel good. Also, you being there for him, "listening" and "helping him" is filling in another need. Then he has his wife who fills in the rest. Why on earth would he give it all up for ONE woman? Seriously, think about it! He's having his cake and eating it too.

You do have insight, and a good head on your shoulder, so listen to your gut and your head, not your heart and lust for him. And it's good that you're putting yourself out there, dating other men. Problem is though, having a good time and dating other men is a distraction - You can't fall for someone else if you're in so deep with the MM. I could be wrong, but he's holding you back from finding true love with a single guy.

The age thing isn't a huge issue here, but the fact he's your boss, IS an issue. Have you thought about what will happen if (when) you two break up? How you will be affected at the workplace?

May 14, 2006

Ya know, I'm just going to come right out and say what I think.

He won't leave his wife. He wasn't already half way out the door when he met you, and by you being in his life, he is just more firmly planted where he is. You make it SO EASY for him to stay. All that he misses or lacks with his wife, he gets from you. All that he lacks from you, he is already BY CHOICE getting with his wife.

The talk of wanting babies, all that stuff. He's no different to any other MM. They all say things like that... it's not what they say and mean... it's the REACTION we give them when they say it. That's what they want, and that's why they do it. When he's with you, it might seem real to you, and even to him. But, he goes home, reality strikes, no desire for babies with anyone.

In fact, here's my hit prediction.

He will string you along, you will believe him, he will continue to say and do whatever it takes to keep you around on the level in which you're serving a massive purpose to him, and your needs will ultimately not be fulfilled in the very slightest, and he will break your heart and you will be wondering how on earth you got yourself into this mess.

Sorry to sound like a bitch, unsympathetic, or like I 'don't know' what I'm talking about.

Maybe that's true.

But, I'm hedging my bets that I'm right, and the person who has all of my sympathy is you.

If he loved you, without you even asking, he would move mountains to ensure you don't leave him. BUT, the thing is... he knows he can live without you... he just doesn't want to. He will do and say what it takes to keep you where you are. He won't do more to 'keep' you completely, because he doesn't want you completely. He's happy with the bits you give him, and he's happy without the bits you don't.

Sorry, I truly am. That man you love is being the biggest a**h*** to you a man could ever be in your life, and one day, you'll discover this, and he will disappear and not be there to help you in the fallout of it. You will be left alone to deal with this, whilst he, is happily working on replacing all those things you give him now within his marriage - right where he wished it was right now.

Don't believe me? Give his wife a call, tell her that in light of their non-existant marriage, you thought it shouldn't bother her too much to know that you're having an affair with him. After all, if it sucks for him, it must suck for her, too, right? She won't be shocked. She won't mind... and IN FACT... I'm sure HE won't mind if you do, either... after all, you'd be doing him a favour in helping him end the marriage he doesn't want to be in.

Yeah, right. Go on - I dare you. See where his loyalties REALLY lay, and speed up the inevitable process. This will only end when his wife finds out, and I'm sorry to say, she won't leave him for it... she will just have him soooooo riddled with shame and guilt he will do ANYTHING to keep her and make her happy, and that will include treating you like you no longer exist, let alone matter.

He want's his cake and to eat it? Fine. Let him eat 100 cakes a day.... tell him you're going to tell his wife and please, post us all the reasons he says you should not.... we'd be curious, I'm sure, to hear them all. AGAIN.

May 14, 2006

Oh, and start looking for another job, if he's your boss.

I doubt he will want you around when you tell his wife. His wife certainly won't want you there.

Nice guy.

May 14, 2006

I used to want to get one of my friends to ring my MM and say she worked with his W and that she knows he's having an affair, and ask him if he has anything to say before she tells her.

I never did... but BOY I wish I had have. He would have needed new pants to change into.

May 14, 2006

I used to want to get one of my friends to ring my MM and say she worked with his W and that she knows he's having an affair, and ask him if he has anything to say before she tells her.

I never did... but BOY I wish I had have. He would have needed new pants to change into.

you know OZ this is something I never thought about before..I mean I wouldn't actually want to let his wife know zilch,but if I truly want my MM to drop me like a hot potato this is all I'd have to and I can almost place bets he would avoid me like I had a serious contagious disease...nice one girlie

May 14, 2006

LNAF - not sure if you're post reads like you think it's a good idea or a bad idea...lol

But, if you thought your MM wanted to be with you, and it appears it's not you posing a threat to his W finding out (which releases you from that excuse he can give that he doesn't want to be with you because you're so nasty), then why would he drop you?

I mean, in theory, by the stories MM seem to tell OW, it can't hurt the situation with the OW... only make it better sooner????

The only thing that stopped me from doing it was actually telling any of my friends what a sordid situation I was in.

Instead of doing it this way, I just went to his house whilst his W was away on holidays... uninvited, unannoucned... just turned up. What I saw was the truth. A happy, warm home with family pictures everywhere, and it was not merely done to a minimal standard of decor 'because it's going on the market soon'. It was beautiful with new furniture, a dining table already set in the formal dining room, you name it.... and the cruncher... the spare bedroom was just a bed. No clothes, no nothing. W did not sleep there as I'd been told (due to him telling me they were living separately in the same house pending the divorce - which didn't exist). I know this because his son, who wanted me to know the truth, let me in to see. Not MM - he hid and tried to pretend he wasn't even home. Within half an hour of me leaving, the son rang the W overseas and told her about me. The son was sick of the lies - he knew what his Dad was doing and didn't want to have to 'know' the lies, and therefore feel like he was lying, himself, anymore.

Either way, no matter how it happened, the W found out and it ended. Abruptly. Soul mate no more. Soul mate never was.

I could have found out the truth earlier by getting my questions answered without directly 'shooting myself in the foot'. I know it's not the responsiblity of a 3rd party, and it's not 100% honest, to have someone pose as a friend to the W and ring him about me, but it would have concluded in the same outcome. Me being dropped like a hot potato. I was suspicious 18 months before it finally ended, but did nothing about it. I now wished I did. I'd be 18 months ahead of myself now emotionally.

I just feel it's inevitable, and until you KNOW what the MM feels about his W or M without relying on what he tells you, then you just never really know.

The fact that this thread started, just like many others... it indicates doubt.

And, THAT is horrible to live with. You can make a choice to stay living with it in order to have him make you feel worthwhile, or you can choose to have the cards layed on the table and realise your worthwhile to someone is shown by their actions and how they embrace you into their life. The more you matter, the more 'full time' you are. Compartmentalising is not okay when it's someone's heart, the very core of what makes us human and makes our lives invaluable, which is being used as a commodity to trade what someone's marriage is lacking with fulfillment - only where it suits one person.

I'm not being negative, or bitter. I'm trying to be real. It's okay to be sympathetic to anyone in this situation. When I was in it - that's all I wanted, sympathy.

But, you have to step outside the square, look ahead, and try and predict the future. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, if you're not happy or sure about something and it's consuming your feelings and thoughts, then change something so that it's no longer the same.

May 14, 2006

Yes, Ozgirl...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

We are on the same page.

May 14, 2006

I've re-organised your post a little:

Previously, he was always polite, but always pushed me away emotionally and was often brutally blunt (he told me I was strictly the OW, and he would never leave his wife).

About 2 months ago, I became fed up with the affair, and started dating other men. I enjoyed it, and met someone awesome (and single).

When I told JF (about a month ago), he was devestated and started opening up to me like never before.

Two days ago, he told me he loves me deeply, desperately. He said he wants to have babies with me. He said he is seriously considering leaving his wife.

So... you were "only the OW" (I like his honesty, if nothing else), then you start dating, met someone 'awesome', told MM, and he's suddenly promising you babies and "seriously considering" leaving his wife..?

"Seriously considering" is not leaving. It's a line. It's a direct response to you having the audacity to get a life that doesn't involve him.

Call his bluff. This could be hilarious.

May 14, 2006

My attachment to him is based on a deep desire for him to "choose" me as being so special that he would walk away from his marriage. But quite honestly, if I dig deep down, I am not sure that I truly want him. I think I'm flattered by his attention, impressed by his credentials, and enthralled with a fantasy of a life we might have together. But I'm not sure that's something solid enough to build a true relationship upon.

Then again, I love him. I love him despite his extreme flaws, and enjoy being his rock. I enjoy being his unofficial shrink. I am very proud and protective of his absolute trust in me.

*sigh* what a f*cked up situation.

I hope this doesn't sound bad, but.

IMHO that's not love but some kind of co-dependency. And competition. And power situation. You're right, it is f*cked up. But it's not uncommon.

May 14, 2006

The age thing isn't a huge issue here.

Actually, this is probably some way off the point, but I think that the age thing often IS the issue in some of the affairs on this board. How often is have you read:

"We work together and he's 50s, I'm 20s" ?

It's probably every second or third thread. Mid Life Crisis.

May 14, 2006

Actually, this is probably some way off the point, but I think that the age thing often IS the issue in some of the affairs on this board. How often is have you read:

"We work together and he's 50s, I'm 20s" ?

It's probably every second or third thread. Mid Life Crisis.

Not to necessarily dispute the point but that's a very empirical observation. I lack the relevant statistics right now but I'd venture to guess affairs are pretty evenly spread over all age segments. Have you considered that maybe women in their 30s, 40s, etc in this situation tend to be lurking more than posting?

May 14, 2006

Hi Sami, how ya going?

I agree with what you said.

When my MM and I first met... before we'd even had more than a few lunches with each other at work, he changed (without me knowing) the welcome message on my mobile (cell) phone to, and I quote:

YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW

He was 13 years my senior. I'm sure all the OW do the same, and I guess it helps to feel 'brand new' if you are around something a lot more newer than you are....

May 14, 2006

Not to necessarily dispute the point but that's a very empirical observation. I lack the relevant statistics right now but I'd venture to guess affairs are pretty evenly spread over all age segments. Have you considered that maybe women in their 30s, 40s, etc in this situation tend to be lurking more than posting?

I used to post on another forum strictly for OW. There was a thread there not so long ago with respect to age differences. The HUGE majority of affairs had an older MM with a significant age-gap (10-15 years younger) OW. I think I posted the results of it over here.

And... empirical is a good thing... isn't it..?

May 14, 2006

Hello Oz... I'm doing fine most of the time! SO much better not knowing what's going on (though that sounds nuts in a way!)

I've been catching up on a few threads today and I have to say that you've been posting SO much sense... it's great

May 14, 2006

Good, glad to hear you sounding happy.

Now - FREEZE! DON'T MOVE OR WE'LL SHOOT!

As for this statement:

Not to necessarily dispute the point but that's a very empirical observation. I lack the relevant statistics right now but I'd venture to guess affairs are pretty evenly spread over all age segments.

Isn't that a tad amusing, to say your thoughts are merely anecdotal or assumptive, and then say that are questionable based on another anecdotal assumption they are spread evenly over all age segments because of the lack of relevant statistics.

Hmmmm sounds like Alanis Morrisette's old song "Ironic", where nothing was actually ironic - they were just misfortunate...lol. (how ironic).

May 14, 2006

Isn't that a tad amusing, to say your thoughts are merely anecdotal or assumptive, and then say that are questionable based on another anecdotal assumption they are spread evenly over all age segments because of the lack of relevant statistics.

Hmmmm sounds like Alanis Morrisette's old song "Ironic", where nothing was actually ironic - they were just misfortunate...lol. (how ironic).

I said I didn't have the statistics at hand not that they don't exist. I will post more (on a separate thread this one had enough hijacking) when I'll get a hold of them but for now here's food for thought:

"Kinsey's research showed that by age 40, 50 percent of the men had experienced extramarital sexual intercourse. Kinsey's original samples of 6,000 women showed that by age 40, 26 percent of the women had experienced extramarital sexual intercourse."

May 14, 2006

Oh, Alexander.... *yawn*... what's your actual point?

I never said you said they didn't exist. I was just pointing out that you did exactly what Sami did, so am not sure what you were questioning her on it for.

Sign In

MM says he is seriously thinking of leaving wife. Perspective needed.

Recommended Posts

yesmaybe

vampress1

lovernotafighter

target-d

yesmaybe

vampress1

yesmaybe

Alexandra

whichwayisup

OzGirl

OzGirl

OzGirl

lovernotafighter

OzGirl

Walking away

Sami_D

Sami_D

Sami_D

Alexandra

OzGirl

Sami_D

Sami_D

OzGirl

Alexandra

OzGirl

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...