sirjay Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Hi all long messy situation which I will keep as brief as I can. my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me about 10 weeks ago. i have taken it really badly and also not handled it very well. we broke up last year for a month and then got back together and she initially handled it in exactly the same way: she hid her feelings and was quite cold but secretly wanted me to commit. She acted the same this time but said she loved me loads and wanted to stay "best friends". i have never done "friends" after a breakup before, and have always ended up leaving the area where the ex was so this is all new for me. i have emotional issues resulting from my parent's divorce and infighting as a child, and being taken away from my mother. i cope with rejection really badly, i feel. with girls i am close with, it sets off panic often. its been hell, this breakup. everytime she would back off from me, i would get really anxious and this would make her feel under pressure. we have probably been in contact one way or another every week or 2 since breaking up, mostly not in person. she has been in control of it pretty much and has never been clear about what she wanted or set any ground rules. the problem for me has been that she wouldnt give me any closure and has manipulated me in the situation to get me at the emotional distance she wants. recently, i texted her to say i had to cut off all contact and she got in a panic trying to contact me. when i called her 5 days later, she changed it around into being apart for 3 months and then seeing what happens as friends. i still dont really know if she just wants friendship or is waiting to see if i sort out the issues that caused the breakup with a view to getting back together. she said she was still really hurt and hadnt forgiven me. i just dont feel like i can cope with waiting to find out anymore. i dont think that is nearly long enough to get over the intense feelings we both have for each other? plus i got sick of being controlled hence: the other day, she came to a nightclub i was at with a guy she had met that night. i didnt see them together but she waved nervously and walked right past me - the rejection really cut deep and we had a confrontation in which i tried to say things that would get me some closure. i just cant take the pain anymore. i had told her that if she was seeing other people, that would be the end of a friendship thing. i dont feel i am strong enough for that emotionally and i care too much about her. i have thought about her every day and night since we broke up. i had said to her that i felt we were soulmates. but since then, i am not even sure how compatible we really are. i am not sure if i am trying to convince myself to make it easier but i am trying to believe 100% in my mind that it is completely over and get past the denial stage. the "friends" thing has confused me terribly and dragged it on and on. i find it really difficult to let go of relationships anyway, and she has been playing a lot of mind games with me. she seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, to be able to rely on my emotional support if she wants it but not give back to me. i cant cope with it. i cried in my sleep last night. that was the first time i did that since the breakup so i kind of think maybe i have accepted we are not going to get back together, if only because i have tried to decide clearly to myself that I don't want to regardless of what she wants. a lot of the time i have been unable to seperate what i have been feeling. perhaps it has been more panic, anxiety and confusion at not knowing what was really going on rather than loss. i didnt feel too bad yesterday, i discovered the trick of just pushing the hurtful thoughts out of my head before they could really create a bad emotion. i have been obsessing a lot about the situation and winding myself up. is this a bad way to deal with it? is that just burying the emotions? i still have to collect my stuff from her place and am terribly anxious about it. question: should i get someone else to get it for me and avoid seeing her? every time i interact with her, i get really wound up. but i will have to see her around at times, it's unavoidable. i have to find a way to cope - if / when i see her being intimate with another guy, it will kill me. i am going to get counselling to see if i can get to grips with the anxiety issues. i think i know what is going on but the knowledge doesnt seem to help me overcome how i am feeling. what kind of therapy do i need? will i be able to get to the point where i can handle seeing her around? is avoiding her a good idea or is it just delaying the inevitable? Advice needed!
Guest Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Hi there, I'm in a similar situation to you, and really understand how you feel. I have also recently split up with my boyfriend of four and a half years, and feel that my insecurity and fear of rejection played a big part in driving him away. Like you, much of this comes from my experiences growing up, where I learnt that everyone I relied on left me or let me down. BUT, things can change! It seems we form our own 'hidden rules' from these learning experiences, things that we believe about ourselves, about the world, and about other people. These are often the anxieties that surface in relationships, when emotional 'triggers' occur that set off old feelings and beliefs. But these beliefs are not the truth, and we can learn to challenge them and see things from a different perspective. The type of therapy that helps people to do this is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and Ihave found it incredibly useful. I have been seeing a CBT therapist for a while, and it has really changed my outlook on things. It is a very practical type of therapy; rather than just talking about problems, which often makes you feel worse, the therapist teaches you cognitive exercises, which help release you from these spirals of negative thought. I have benefited greatly from it, and hope that this might provide some of the answers and help you are looking for. Regardless of the relationship, focus on feeling good about yourself. Sucessful relationships follow on naturally. Very best wishes to you.
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