PrettyCrissy Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 My ex boyfriend who was my first love, my first everything has been married for about 8 or 9 years now. The problem is that we still have feelings for each other. For some reason he always finds a way to come back into contact with me and I don't understand why. At this point I really don't know what to do. This is a run down of situations that happend between he and I and I ask for your opinion on how I should go about this whole thing. 1. A week before his wedding he came to me and asked me whether or not he should go through with it and asked what i thought about the situation. Me being somewhat insecure and immature told him he should do what he feels he should do. I didn't think it was up to me to answer that question for him, the truth is though is that I really wanted him not to go through with it and til this day I wish I would have told him. 2. The night before his wedding he called me and asked to see me and I said no, to this day I wish I did and I wish I was honest with him about the way I lt 3. He would often call me after the wedding and find ways to contact me but I would distance myself because I did not want to fall for him anymore than I had. 4. About 3 years ago, he contacted me by phone (he got my number from a mutual friend). Well anywho we started to see one another and one thing led to another. I felt really bad about the whole situation and once again I distanced myself from him. 5. This past winter after I became engaged I saw him again. Nothing happened but because I came in contact with him (just phone calls and honestly nothing serious happened) my present fiance was upset with that and felt that I was not being honest about the situation and he ended our engagement. last but not least 6. We are now in contact again all because of the website my space. We claim that we are just going to be cool and work together musically because he is a producer and I am a singer. The thing is in all honesty is that I truly believe it's kind of hard for us to be just friends when we have so much feelings inside for each other. It hurts and I often cry because I really regret the fact that I didn't let him know my true feelings. He still tells me how he misses me and how he loves me and I honestly feel the same. I don't know how to go about this whole thing. I am so torn. Aside from all of that we honestly are very much compatible and we make each other so happy, just being in each others presents makes us both really happy. No matter how long we go without contacting each other, when we finally come back into contact it's like we never miss a beat. I don't want to anything else to go wrong and I don't want to be the reason for a mess up in his marriage. With all being said, how should I deal with this? Should I continue to work with him and try my best to keep it business or should I just cut all ties. Help! your opinion would be greatly appreciate. The Ex
yesmaybe Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Question is - do you want to end things? Are you ready to end things? If you're not, it doesn't matter what anyone else says. You won't be able to resist the excitement and intimacy he brings. First loves are especially intense and passionate, and you are both artists so probably have emotional, dramatic personalities. Consider that you both may secretly enjoy the torture of this drama, and that the drama is the real source of your attachment to him. Best thing for you to do - find out how you truly feel about him. Is it a love you are willing to fight for? Or is it a obsession that you can't seem to shake? Once you find your true feelings, it will be easier to make the right choice. As for what the right choice is, I couldn't tell you. You are a unique human, and an adult. Just be sure you know yourself.
stillafool Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 A week before his wedding he came to me and asked me whether or not he should go through with it (that's his choice, why didn't he ask me that before he asked her to marry him) and asked what i thought about the situation. Me being somewhat insecure and immature told him he should do what he feels he should do. I didn't think it was up to me to answer that question for him, the truth is though is that I really wanted him not to go through with it and til this day I wish I would have told him. 2. The night before his wedding he called me and asked to see me and I said no, to this day I wish I did and I wish I was honest with him about the way I lt Your story sounds almost exactly like mine except I am now a MW. My exboyfriend now a MM did the same thing to me before his wedding. He kept asking me if he should go thru with it. Me being young I tried to hide my feeling and never told him how deeply in love with him I was. Mind you, he hadn't told me either. I told him he should do what he promised his fiancee he'd do and marry her. Well, the truth is no man marries a woman unless he wants to I don't care what they say. I think they try to ask the OW to make us think they care so they can have one last 'roll in the hay' with the person they want to instead of a stripper at their bachelor's party. He married her. He would often call me after the wedding and find ways to contact me but I would distance myself because I did not want to fall for him anymore than I had This is exactly what mine did and the reason is they miss sleeping with you. You did the right thing by distancing yourself from him. He may have pulled you in to an A but he wasn't going to leave his wife. Don't let this guy ruin your life. You've already lost a fiancee because of him if you continue with him he will mess up the next relationship too. You have to ask yourself 1) Do I want to share my boyfriend with another woman? 2) Do I want to spend holidays and weekends without the man I love? 3) Do I want to have a boyfriend who hides me from the public? 4) Do I want to be in a relationship I can't tell friends and family the truth about? 5) Do I want to stand by and watch my boyfriend have children with another woman? Leave him alone now and if he really loves you he will make arrangements to separate from his wife and start divorce proceedings. Don't let him use you because he will if he can. I don't mean to be hard but people were with me and it helps so much. I know once you see their face and hear their voice and the things they say sound so sweet. You are probably convinced he is in misery and is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about him but trust me he is still having sex with his wife. Cut all ties.
Author PrettyCrissy Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 Your story sounds almost exactly like mine except I am now a MW. My exboyfriend now a MM did the same thing to me before his wedding. He kept asking me if he should go thru with it. Me being young I tried to hide my feeling and never told him how deeply in love with him I was. Mind you, he hadn't told me either. I told him he should do what he promised his fiancee he'd do and marry her. Well, the truth is no man marries a woman unless he wants to I don't care what they say. I think they try to ask the OW to make us think they care so they can have one last 'roll in the hay' with the person they want to instead of a stripper at their bachelor's party. He married her. This is exactly what mine did and the reason is they miss sleeping with you. You did the right thing by distancing yourself from him. He may have pulled you in to an A but he wasn't going to leave his wife. Don't let this guy ruin your life. You've already lost a fiancee because of him if you continue with him he will mess up the next relationship too. You have to ask yourself 1) Do I want to share my boyfriend with another woman? 2) Do I want to spend holidays and weekends without the man I love? 3) Do I want to have a boyfriend who hides me from the public? 4) Do I want to be in a relationship I can't tell friends and family the truth about? 5) Do I want to stand by and watch my boyfriend have children with another woman? Leave him alone now and if he really loves you he will make arrangements to separate from his wife and start divorce proceedings. Don't let him use you because he will if he can. I don't mean to be hard but people were with me and it helps so much. I know once you see their face and hear their voice and the things they say sound so sweet. You are probably convinced he is in misery and is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about him but trust me he is still having sex with his wife. Cut all ties. I hear what you are saying and I agree with you to some point. The thing is though he was my first we never did anything after we broke up prior to his marriage, so him wanting me back could not be for the sex. I made the mistake and slept with him when he got married. That was the first time I did some mess like that and slept with someone while they were involved. I'm trying to really understand because honestly I do believe that he does loves me. I guess I want to know what this is all about. I honestly don't want him to get a divorce because I don't believe in it. I guess what I should have asked is if I should continue to remain friends with him. He is honestly one of my closest friends and I've distanced myself because of fear and now I'm starting to question why I'm doing that when I care and think about him so much. It seems that all his friends know how he feels because they always tell me and even some people that I don't know and know me from him, knows how he feels about me. I guess I would have to talk to him and explain my true feelings and I will ask him to do the same. In truth all we can really be are friends.
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 1) Do I want to share my boyfriend with another woman? 2) Do I want to spend holidays and weekends without the man I love? 3) Do I want to have a boyfriend who hides me from the public? 4) Do I want to be in a relationship I can't tell friends and family the truth about? 5) Do I want to stand by and watch my boyfriend have children with another woman? Your answers to this should be NO!! Unless you really don't mind being the OW forever!
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 In truth all we can really be are friends You two cannot be friends anymore, unless both of you become single again. Until that happens, stay AWAY from eachother. It's unfair to his wife and to your fiance! (Or are you married now?) Either that, or dump your spouses, get divorced and you two get together. You can't and he can't have it both ways.
Author PrettyCrissy Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 I'm coming to that realization that we can't be friends. It's just a little complicated because I've know him for so many years. Thanks for the opinions.
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I'm sure it hurts. But, knowing him for so long or not knowing him for so long, he shouldn't be such an important part of your life anymore. Both of you have other people in your lives and it's just not cool to keep that closeness going. Being friends with him will just make you both feel worse, even if the feelings are still there. As I said, unless both of you are willing to end things with your partners, and then get together - There is no point in opening that door over and over again. You're getting hurt, upset and it's messing YOU up.
cat Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 You have to ask yourself 1) Do I want to share my boyfriend with another woman? 2) Do I want to spend holidays and weekends without the man I love? 3) Do I want to have a boyfriend who hides me from the public? 4) Do I want to be in a relationship I can't tell friends and family the truth about? 5) Do I want to stand by and watch my boyfriend have children with another woman? . I just posted my own story a minute ago but i need to reply to this. these are incredibly powerful questions. i don't see how the pain of dealing with the things you mentioned above can be WORSE than the grief of losing the relationship. holidays alone? no thanks. sharing my boyfriend with someone else? nope. i want him for myself, i really do. but not having him is better than what you described above. the "holidays alone" thing is the most poignant. how humiliating! i could picture myself alone in my house, crying into my mrs. smith's pumpkin pie and hoping my phone would ring... and i AM intelligent, attractive, and could date pretty much anyone i wanted to. maybe i should get to it. someone said earlier that it's CHOOSING to actually end the relationship that's the hardest thing. ain't that the truth.
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 I just posted my own story a minute ago but i need to reply to this. these are incredibly powerful questions. i don't see how the pain of dealing with the things you mentioned above can be WORSE than the grief of losing the relationship. holidays alone? no thanks. sharing my boyfriend with someone else? nope. i want him for myself, i really do. but not having him is better than what you described above. the "holidays alone" thing is the most poignant. how humiliating! i could picture myself alone in my house, crying into my mrs. smith's pumpkin pie and hoping my phone would ring... and i AM intelligent, attractive, and could date pretty much anyone i wanted to. maybe i should get to it. someone said earlier that it's CHOOSING to actually end the relationship that's the hardest thing. ain't that the truth. Great insight, and I hope with some help, you can apply it to your situation. You don't want to be second best, and only seen when the MM makes time for you. You deserve a man who will put you first, make time for you and love ONLY you. I replied to your other post too.
Author PrettyCrissy Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 You know you guys are so point. I realized like Cat said me being attractive and intelligent as well, why the heck do I have to have someone's seconds. It's really not that serious. I can have what I want if I put myself in that position. It's crazy but out of respect for his wife and me not ever wanting to go through anything like that when my chance comes around, Ill leave him alone. Thanks guys
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