avellana Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Hi. I need some advice. I was in a long term relationship most of my life so dating is a new thing. I had a really bad break up with a person I dated for 9 months. We new each other casually for about 5 years prior. It was an intense and unhealthy relationship. We wanted and needed each other for all the wrong reasons. I broke up with him once. One month later, he wanted to get back together, knowing all of our differences and what I was dealing with in life. I felt bad after the first break-up, but moved on rather quickly. We started spending a lot of time together, and eventually realized that it probably wouldn’t work and that we needed to find some balance, but it just didn't happen. Anticipating a break up, I tried to distance myself, but it never really worked for various reasons. He is very co dependent and completely lost himself in our relationship. He felt sorry for me (which i didn't want) and tried to help me (which i didn't want either). I've been through some major loses in the past year and couldn’t handle breaking up. Initially, I just wanted companionship & to have fun, but got sucked in. We were the absolute worst for each other. I was grieving, and he didn't get it. Then something happened. We had the break up conversation and I panicked- literally. I didn't know what was happening until probably the 3rd time it happened. We both wanted to break up. He felt guilty (codependent), got sucked back in, and i temporarily felt better. We both new it had to come to an end, but didn't know how to do it. I've been to a grief counselor and now understand what was happening. It was the loss that i could control, but was afraid of. He was trying to exit for a while, but couldn’t. He felt trapped and so did i. I was trying to slowly exit to avoid the pain, but the fear associated with the loss was overwhelming and I went immediately running back. I would liken it to separation anxiety. Eventually, we had a complete blow out fight, and that was that. Everything was said that shouldn't have been said, and everything was out of control. I apologized, he accepted. I told him that I started grief counseling and was moving on- I'm not sure if he believes me. I’m really embarrassed about not handling it better, the wheels came off, but what are you going to do. I’ve learned a lot from this relationship. I’ve thought seriously about the situation and have come to terms with it. Here’s the problem. I would like to continue doing some things, which might include bumping into him. Given the nature of the break up, it is probably best that we don’t, but I don’t feel as though I should have to stop living my life either. He’s completely avoiding me, but I think that is his problem. I don't want to be a bully, I just want to forget about it and get back into a routine. What are the dating rules regarding this stuff. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this and have advice.
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