dgiirl Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Damnit, I wish I could just accept the situation, build and KEEP my self confidence, and FORGET about him. I've been consumed with thoughts about what she looks like. I'm ashamed to admit, but I've been googling little pieces of information I've had. And I've stumbled across a few things, but nothing conclusive. I found a myspace page of a girl, 24, same name, same city, almost same job. She's not much of a looker, she's kinda cute, but damn I _know_ I'm better looking than that, so it made me feel better. Why cant I just believe that there's nothing wrong with me, and everything wrong with him. All my friends tell me he's crazy for leaving me. That there's something seriously wrong with him, especially since he kept everything quiet for years, never telling ANYone, and then just simply walks out. Why do I always feel that there's something wrong with me, and not something wrong with him? I can build my self esteem up, it'll last for a few hours, and then I feel bad again. Why cant I just believe in myself?
scobro Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 but damn I _know_ I'm better looking than that, it's not always about looks with everyone.I wish it was cause Im very good looking;)
Ladyjane14 Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Because what he did doesn't make sense. If you're such a great girl...why did he leave you? And I happen to have an answer for that.... It's because he's STUPID! But hey...wait a minute.... that's his problem and not yours, isn't it? He pointed his finger at you, and gave you the blame for the relationship falling apart.....because he doesn't want to admit that it was his fault. He wasn't emotionally honest with you. He never gave you an opportunity to REALLY be a partner with him. He just bailed. And you know what? He'll take his M.O. with him. His intimate relationships will continue to follow the same pattern over and over again...unless he finally steps up to the plate and makes it change. Again, his problem, not yours. You'll be okay. Ten minutes after you meet a really great guy, who knows a good thing when he sees it.... old Mr. Wrong will be a thing of the past.
Author dgiirl Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 it's not always about looks with everyone.I wish it was cause Im very good looking;) I understand that, and I dont mean to sound shallow either. But it does make my insecure self feel better. Having your husband leave you for another woman, even tho he says he didnt leave me for her, I still feel insecure. Like LadyJane said, if I was so great, then why did he leave? This is what goes through my head constantly. I try to grasp the idea that he's simply STUPID, this is what everyone else tells me, but it's hard to buy. Again, like LJ said, i think it's because it simply doesnt make sense. The fact that he never gave me a chance. He was never emotionally available, even in the marriage, and then he blames me. It's hard to wrap my head around. And my therapist said the exact same thing about him repeating the same mistake. I still feel insecure that maybe he'll change for someone else, but he wouldnt for me. How could I have been there if he didnt confide in me. I've always been very very supportive, he's just never let me in. And I question if this is a problem of mine, or his.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 dgiirl, You just have to let go of making an excuse for him! He is stupid for leaving you, period. Don't make it YOUR problem. Probably easier said than done, but I've been through a year of questioning myself. Now, I am stronger than I have ever been. I sometimes think that being through emotional turmoil is a rite of passage in life. You can come out of it stronger or completely shattered. It is your choice. I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I hope you choose to come out stronger.
phyrespryte Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 I think that it's kind of easier saying that there's something wrong with you... Like if you could figure out what was wrong you could fix it? Well that's how I think... I still feel insecure that maybe he'll change for someone else, but he wouldnt for me. How could I have been there if he didnt confide in me. I've always been very very supportive, he's just never let me in. And I question if this is a problem of mine, or his That's his problem. It's not your fault that he didn't let you in. You did what you could, but he wasn't ready for change.
Author dgiirl Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 You two are very right. I have been through such emotional turmoil this past year, but I have become stronger because of it. Or atleast I tell myself that. I try to keep my self esteem high, but it slowly keeps going back down. I constantly question myself because I dont want to be cocky and think all the problem was him, because I want to own some of the problems, but then I fall and end up taking too much of the blame. I just want to ride the highs and stop questioning myself. It's just hard when I'm still living in our house, see or talk to him once every 2 or 3 weeks, for the whole damn year. I just truely truely want it over with, but it wont be until the house is sold and I move. I want to stop slipping into denial. I mean, seriously, if he was going to come back, surely he'd be back by now. And the thought of that scares me. 10 years, and he's just going to walk out of my life. It pisses me off. But I want to give up the anger and let it go. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of thinking about him ALL the time. I have very good prospects of a decent life once I move. I just cant move till the house is sold and I think this waiting is taking it's toll on me.
2sunny Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Sometimes no matter how perfect things are in a marriage - one person may be one of those "never happy NO MATTER WHAT" type of personalities. You cannot do anything to make that different for THEM! Well, except to feel sorry for the next person they are interested in!!!! :p Hopefully - you get my drift - sometimes, it's not your fault!!!!! It's okay though, go on and be happy on your own!!!
debilou Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Know just how you feel. When you no longer have any contact with him it WILL get easier to move on and stop the "hamster in the wheel" questioning. Google "attachment disorder". My counselor mentioned it in reference to my stbxh and it gave me a lot of insight. Still very difficult to stop obsessing about what went wrong and how he could just move out. And yes, it's his problem. But we have 2 kids together and so my family was destroyed. At least my fantasy of a family. LJ is right about meeting someone new. You will and your life will make sense again. Most likely your stbxh never treated you the way you deserve to be treated. We get used to it. Marriage is tough and both people have to work to make it right. He probably didn't work at it as much as you. Breathe, I promise you will get better. Listen to me, ha ha, I still have moments of "what the he!! happened???". But they are less and less as time goes on. Know you are not alone in this almost ungodly experience. I NEVER saw it coming. Take care! Debilou
Author dgiirl Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 So after this last emotional outburst, I got a grip on myself. (We'll see how long lol) I've been praying just for peace of mind, to be able to let go and get over it, to be able to let go of my anger, and it's definitely been helping. Unfortunately, even tho I've been having some peace of mind during my waking hours, my dreams have been messed up. The last three days I've been dreaming of a) reconciling with my ex, b) being intimate with my ex, c) having our mutual friends find out about his affair and being very pissed off with him. When I wake up, I no longer have that dread that it didnt happen, but more, that's nice, but it's not exactly what i want. Maybe it's giving me closure, I donno. At the same time, I'm still trying to communicate better with my ex. Not in hopes of reconciling, but more of I'm just going to try to be a better person irregardless of his assholishness, arrogance and coldness. I noticed a lot of the times I'm jumping to conclusions. I'm assuming I know what he's thinking and automatically getting pissed off. I'm trying to prevent myself from doing that now. Even if he IS thinking that, that's his problem, not mine. Along with that, I'm also thanking him for the things he IS doing. He always told me that I dont need to thank him, etc. After hearing it for the millionth time, you stop thanking. But not thanking started making ME feel bad about myself. So I stopped listening to what he says and started doing what makes me feel good about myself. A few weeks ago, I thanked him via email for doing the yard and his reply was thank you for the appreciation. tho u don't need to thank me. i will be more active with the house till it sells. i wasn't sure how involved u wanted me to be so i had kept my distance. but as u mentioned in an earlier email, if u want me to be proactive about it, that's what i want as well. i'll keep u up to date with my house visit plans. and no worries, the garden will look good by the time im done with it.. i know it;s a concern This is probably the first time he's kinda accepted any appreciation from me, although he still puts in that "You dont need to thank me". Then today, I wrote him another email for finding a contractor. Me: Thanks for handling this, B. [unfortunately, D did not show up last night either. If at all possible, they can show up during the day.] Him: is this sarcasm? (direct quote to "Thanks for handling this, B") Me: Not at all. It's a pain in the ass to call up these guys only for them to not show and then you have to find out what happen. So I appreciate it. It's as if he doesnt trust me and always thinks the worse of me. We have such poor communication skills, it's really hard to know how to communicate with him. My therapist called him a pleaser (without ever meeting him), and his therapist called him the submissive. However, I read up on passive aggressive, and he's definitely that when he's angry! Where I'm more aggressive when angry.
gypsygal44 Posted May 24, 2006 Posted May 24, 2006 dgiirl, I want to thank you for your advice, esp. knowing what you are going thru. It helps just knowing that you know where I am coming from. I wish I could move too. Want to take me with ya? lol I am sorry that your H was so indifferent to your emotions. The more threads I read on here the more they sound the same. What is it with men and emotions? One thing though, if they can't give to us emotionally, then they won't be able to give to anyone else. Right? Keep up the good work. We will all get there one day. This will make us stronger and it will definitely teach us what we are looking for in a future relationship. I have come to see that maybe a lot of good will come from all this termoil and pain. Maybe this is God's way of saying that this relationship wasn't good for us and he would bring something better to us. But boy, what a way to get there. Gypsy
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