Bohdi10 Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Obsessive Calling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just got dumped after a 9 month relationship on the phone on Monday. I need help understanding what I'm doing and why am I doing it? We had a nice relationship where we had alot of fun together but there were two occasions where she was worried that we were not in love yet and that she was wondering how long it should take to be in love. On both those occasions I told her that we just need to let the relationship be fun and develop and not worry about the serious relationship. Beyond those two times we had alot of fun together and never fought about anything. On another note I work as a teacher and have been having a rough year with my class and the stress of that is taking a toll on me. Then she broke up with me on Monday on the phone. She said she was interested in other guys and that she loved me but not in love with me. So we played the hang up and call back game for awhile. I called obsessively knowing that I wanted to be able to talk things out and figure out what happened. It was a shock on a school night for this to be happening and I knew that I had a full week of stress from school to deal with. I wanted at least to have ended it in person and felt some kind of appreciation that I was a worthwhile guy. She hung up on me that night and she texted me the next morning telling me that I need to relax and calm down and give her a month of space. After that we could try dating again. She said she would call me later. So of course impatient and feeling empty I called her again and again until she shut her phone off. Then I waited the whole day and was feeling that it wasn't resolved. I wanted to know why? Why was she breaking up with me. I called her again that night and she picked up and was like what are you doing? This isn't helping anything. She said that I was a great guy that did nothing wrong. Just that we were not deeply connected. She just knew deep down that we weren't meant to be. She said she was going to a concert the next day so she said she would call me on Thursday. I said for her to be honest with me if there was another guy that she was with and she said no. She also said that there were no guys going to the concert with her. So for me not to worry. Then of course paranoid me called her in the afternoon of Wednesday and said that there had to be another guy and that she should just be honest with me to let me know that it was completely done. That I could just accept it and never talk to her again. She answered and was like I'm late to the concert and that there was no guy and that she was not going with any guys. So we hung up and she called me on Thursday. She told me that she was happy that she had breaken up with me finally and that I wanted her to be honest and that she was going on a date on Friday. She said that I didn't challenge her enough and that this new guy treats her nice and is a gentlemen. I was like so your with him? And she said that no she was just going on a date with him. So we got off the phone Thursday by her telling me that she wanted to still talk to me and that she wanted to be my friend. I told her that I couldn't be her friend because it just would be hard to hear that she was happy and that I was not. I also said that she stringed me along into wanting a serious relationship and that now that I finally I commited that she dropped me in a second. It hurt worse because it was like the relationship was pushed by her and then she was the one telling me that she didn't want it months after. She also told me she lied to me about how she felt about some things. This is the same girl who cried to me in Dec. and Jan that she didn't want me to leave her and that she didn't want me to think she was crazy. I again of course called her last night at 11:00 because I felt alone because no one was around to hang out with anymore. All my friends are married and happy and when I was with her, alot of the times was hanging out with her or with couples. So we talked and she told me that I had to move on that it was over and that I was acting like a child about the whole thing. I told her that is because I never got the chance to understand why it fell apart and that I still was having trouble dealing with all this. That a week ago she was telling me that I was not alone and that she felt safe with me and now we are arguing over and over about how she doesn't want me and how I want her to just be there for me. What is wrong with me that I have let this girl tear me down? I had trouble sleeping and worried all week about this girl. I didn't want to eat alot because my stomach was hurting. Why do I obsessively call? and why can't I just except that this girl doesn't care about me? Did this girl break my heart in a harsh way or am I just taking it to heart? I realize by calling her I am only hurting myself, but why do I still do it? I know this is a long write up but please help me out. I would appreciate it so I can figure out what to do from here.
heartnsoul Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Paragraphs are our friend Not trying to be insensitive but it's rather hard to read when there's no break in the content of your post. I'm really sorry that you're experiencing this. Calling her excessively is (like you said) not helping you, at all. On top of that ... it's more than likely aggrevating the situation and pushing her further away. I can completely understand your need for some sense of understanding! Not to mention ... it seemed to happen rather abruptly. Your quest for deeper reasoning may fall by the wayside however. She expressed to you that she just didn't feel the connection or depth that she needed to pursue a long term commitment with you. Unfortunately, that seems to be your answer. Who's to say that she won't regret that decision down the line but for now, you should try to accept it for what it is. You're going to hurt, no two ways about it but when you get the urge to call ... do something else! Start a journal, beat the crap out of a pillow or punching bag! Contact will only serve to make matters worse right now. I think this post says it all !!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Wishing you all the best
Author Bohdi10 Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 I appreciate your response. It makes alot of sense. I know that it is over with her and I will have to accept that she wasn't willing to try for me. She did it abruptly and I just have to be like I had a good run and move on. The one thing that bothers me is that I talked it to death for 5 days straight and obsessively called and text her and emailed her. and talked to friends, family, and coworkers. It was pathetic. I just want to know that was it okay that I did those things? Or does that make me a crazy lunatic? I also want to come out of this as not the bad guy. I met her at a wedding for friends so we are closely linked with alot of people. We have alot of the same friends and I am afraid that my obsessiveness is going to make me look like that bad guy and her look like she broke up with a psychopath. Or am I just being too hard on myself and need to realize that I did these things because I cared and that she was the one that was insensitive and jumped from me to another guy quickly. That she was the mean one in all of this.
heartnsoul Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 You're not the bad guy! Anyone that's ever loved someone will know exactly why you've reacted the way you have! You are being hard on yourself. This break up probably has NOTHING to do with you ... as a person. Rather a consequence of her (stated) lack of feelings of 'compatability. This break up does not act as a reflection of your worth on this planet! She is her own person and does not hold that kind of power over your existance! Catch my drift? You're hurting, it's rather raw, it hasn't even been a week! Healing is going to be a process but sooner or later, you're going to have to realize that you are the only one who can take care of YOU in this whole process. It doesn't matter who thinks what of you! What does matter is what you feel about you! Are you acting desparate by calling excessively? Yes. But can you stop it if you truly want to? Absolutely! Pause for a second ... what are you gaining by calling? Nothing but self inflicted torture, IMO. What is your objective? Put your impulses in check. Seek comfort from family and friends. With distance and space is where you'll find perspective.
riobikini Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 "Nice" relationships are actually only friendship...waiting for the magic to happen. In your case -for her- it didn't. By the way, you *are* a worthwhile guy (human being). I believe no one exists without purpose. The following, taken from your post, are a few really good reasons to move on: "She said she was interested in other guys and that she loved me but not in love with me." "I said for her to be honest with me if there was another guy that she was with and she said no." "She also told me she lied to me about how she felt about some things." "I called obsessively..." "...we talked and she told me that I had to move on that it was over and that I was acting like a child about the whole thing." Well, that first two or three lines *obviously* blows the whole idea of "honesty", -so you can forget about any hope for total honesty, here. However, she *is* telling you -truthfully, surprisingly, in fact- that she's quite 'over' the whole relationship, and can live without it. She'll keep toying with you, though, -if you allow it- *just for kicks and giggles*. Suit yourself with that. The " calling obsessively" thing is a pathetic attempt of many who give in to the natural sequence of emotions after being rejected by someone they *wanted* so badly. But it, from the view of the person receiving the calls, clearly displays your already-existing foundational core of weaknesses and tendencies in highly emotional situations, -specifically, how you normally react to disruptions and crisis in important relationships. (Important Note: Get that 'fixed, -it'll keep popping up in your life.) And the conclusion of thoughts of the person getting your obssessive calls is normally a mix of two major things: *disgust* for your displayed weakness, and *delight* in the ability to have such an impact and effect on your emotions, -enough to cause you to want to react in miserable, *worthless* pursuit. *You are, bottom line, feeding a very shallow ego: that of your , now, ex-girlfriend* You have enough information, here, (just by reviewing your own words in your post) to know this relationship does not hold enough positive potential to continue fooling with. You can surmise, yourself, that it lacks a few of the major components of a healthy relationship, which can give -and accept- true, long-term love. So, all that is needed is your decision of whether to accept it's a 'done deal' and move on -or whether to continue to make an enormous fool of yourself. The latter is quite painful, time-consuming, worthless, -and is generally not recommended. Take care. -Rio
Author Bohdi10 Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 Your right, it's almost like I want to torture myself by calling her. It's almost like I want her to feel bad for what she did.
riobikini Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Now is a good time to stop and * find out what makes you tick.* Look at all of this as a *Life Lesson* - use it, -and let it do some good for you. -Rio
justagirliegirl Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Rio, just wanted to say that I love your posts.
riobikini Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 (Smile) justagirliegirl, -thank you. I always give the best I have. Always hope it helps someone get back on track. -Rio
Author Bohdi10 Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 What makes me tick is a girl that wants to be fun and outgoing and that can come over and mesh right in with my friends and laugh. I always have been hard on myself after a break up but the one thing that has always helped me was when I was spending time with a new girl. I am typically a go getter but at the same time I usually meet girls through friends and most of my friends are married so hanging out with them is not much the social scene. I have tried dating through the internet dating services but usually don't get a response from anyone from those. I am confident and look for girls but it's something that seems to not be as easy for guys. Girls go out to bars and are on internet dating services and are getting flooded with attention where guys usually have to wait some time. And I know because I'm a go getter I don't like waiting.
riobikini Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 OK, Bondi, now we're getting into more serious stuff regarding your tendencies, -stuff I strongly suspected from your very first post. You are calling this trait of yours -to immediately pursue a relationship with a new person- as your being a "go-getter". What it truly is, -is *impulsive behavior*. I also suspect you are a 'cuddler': a romantic-natured lighthearted, fun-loving person, who frequently acts on impulse much of the time, and is prone to almost silly little acts of romance. You probably describe yourself as being 'easy-going', too. You love the 'high' of being "in love". It, for you, is the 'best' part of the relationship. The serious stuff, though, (for you) is not so fun. Also, I suspect you fall in 'love' quite easily. Head-over-heels, deeply immersed in all the pink-ice cream stuff of new romance -and have very romantic ideas about what falling in love is supposed to be all about. Bondi, there's nothing wrong with ferris-wheel rides and cotton candy in a theme park, picnics on the lakeside, flowers 'just because', or teddy bears as gifts -look, personally I adore those things- but not all the time. There are many just like you, -but if your personality and tendencies do happen to follow closely to my description, -you are probably, also, subject to much dismay, disappointment, and heartbreak in many of your relationships. Of course, you can't do very much about the way you are created at the very core regarding what (who) you 'click' with in relationships. That's at the *core*. But you *can* 'grow up', and round out the basic concept of it. To clarify: (for example) -a child may be satisfied with anything with wheels at eight years old: a bike, a skateboard, a scooter. But by the time he is around 15 or sixteen, he should be thinking *cars*, which shows he has grown up in his tastes, preferences, -and aspirations. Your tastes, preferences, aspirations, -and expectations- in what is required out of romantic relationships, have seemed to not have matured very much, beyond a kind of 'high-school' romantic conceptuality, as you have aged. Reasons for that may be that you may have simply not have had enough experience *past* the initial attraction phase, and been able to form anything at all past the euphoric 'high' stage in any of your previous relationships. Your experiences, so far, may have 'spoiled' you, or caused you to strongly desire and look for this flowery, romantic feeling in all your adult relationships, (for you, an always present 'must-have') -and believing it to signify, or indicate the presence of 'love'. It's not. Love is much, much more. It's more than a highly emotional, head-always-in-the-clouds, kind of feeling. It may start out that way, but it's more than just spending time together feeling 'good', or continuously wrapped in this blanket 'cocoon' of gooey kisses and euphoria. And the threshold you must cross to get past all the above-described cuddly, warm feelings may be something you have never crossed to know (experienced) what is on the other side. You're stuck in the 'cute and in-love couple' stage, and cling to the belief that it is 'true love'. Not. Bondi, you must grow up in your concept of what love is. That is *essential* to any success in mature, lasting, truly loving relationships. Again, I urge you to find out what makes you tick....and I'm not talking about what kind of girl you prefer, as you misunderstood what I meant by this statement the first time. -Rio P.S. If I am wrong about any, or all of this, -then so be it.
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