ChrisChrisChris Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I'm looking for I guess someone to offer an unbiased opinion about how to proceed with this situation of mine. I find that having my friends offering advice to be catered towards my feelings. Thinking for myself, while I trust my own judgement, I feel it's a little clouded as well. For 7 months, my ex and I had the most incredibly passionate relationships that I didn't know existed. I know she felt the same. We fell in love within two weeks. We did absolutely everything together. My senses were absolutely on fire with her intellect, beauty, humor, and the sex. Over two months ago, I lost my job due to shortage of work. Where I was getting ready to pack up and leave to stay with a friend, she and her mom offered for me to stay with them while I get back on my feet. So I took up their offer, if only to be closer with her in a time of need. For some reason, I fell into this dark abyss of emotional and mental self destruction where I couldn't think, focus, or even communicate in any way, shape, or form. My attitude just changed. I was so hard on myself, I beat myself up daily because I couldn't get myself motivated. I was so confused, weak, and not in control of my own emotions or thought processes. For some reason, I lashed out at my girlfriend when she got on my ass for not keeping up with chores or making a reasonable effort to seek employment. We got into really bad arguments about little things. I snapped my cell phone in half, I threw a can of cat food at the floor, and wouldn't leave her room because I wanted to talk to her (In my mind, she did the same thing to me once so I thought it was be ok for me to do this too). In hindsight, I look back and double over with absolute disgust with myself. I not only pushed her away, I treated her like someone that I didn't cherish, love, or care for. Everything I did up until I lost my job, was thrown out the window with her weighing of the good and the bad. By near the end of April, she officially broke it off and asked me to leave. At first I was angry, desperate, and grieving at my own loss. How selfish that was. She needed her space and I didn't give it to her. I was a selfish bully to sum it up. I tried everything in the book to gain what I lost. What a stupid and selfish idiot I was. Since the no contact rule was placed in effect, we've had bitter emails back and forth, blocked and deleted each other on MSN, and refusal to take my phone calls. However... it's been about a week and a half since we last had contact. I spoke to her mom about a job with her, but that was shut down because Patrycja felt that it was a ploy to get back together with her. It wasn't. I was sincerely looking for a job. Now, I have two job offers. Both great paying money. I'm going to drop the part-time one once I get back on my feet. I'm going back to school for Paramedicine and working towards that as well. In all, I've learned slowly about 'loving yourself' and realized that my ex did the right thing for the two of us. While we fought a bitter prolonged battle of control, we needed to find ourselves again. I'm also seeking out professional counselling because I realized that something triggered this emotional and mental breakdown of seemingly catastrophic proportions. I'm doing everything I can to improve every aspect of my life. I know she's doing her thing and I know she thinks of me often. I think of her often as well. I miss everything about her. I wish her the best, but I l feel like I left a piece of my heart with her. I want her back... I know this well. I know she's bitter, hurt, angry, disappointed, confused, etc. She is questioning my love for her. I know she feels that what I did to her, must be the real me, that it was all just a honeymoon. In reality, I just sunk into the worst depression I've ever been through and I needed more help than she could have offered me. I handled everything wrong and with no respect for myself or her. The thing is, she's going in for eye surgery within the next two weeks (She was in a car accident over 3 years ago and is still going in for orbital reconfigurement). I'm questioning whether I should break the no contact rule and drop by with flowers and a book as well as saying hi. I don't want to force anything on her. I just want to see her and make sure she's ok. I want to establish a communication line, but I'm not even sure how or if I should proceed with it. I'm thinking more about just going in, dropping off the gifts, saying hi, making sure she's alright and then leaving. I'm looking through this post and I don't think there's anything else to add. If you have experienced this or know of the proper avenues of proceeding with this in such a short time, I would appreciate all constructive criticisms or offerings of advice.
Mary3 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 You had a rushed relationship that made you feel utter joy and elation. You both went so fast because it felt so good. The rush and high of passion . It might have substained itself longer if you had not moved in together. But you did because she was trying to help. Once you were in there you were depressed over losing your job. That depression spiraled out of control and you lost your motivation. Because you were feeling low you took it out on those around you. Whatever love she had for you was lost through love withdrawls , meaning everytime you did something negative , you lost part of her love. When all the love was depleted from the account she told you to leave. Its highly unlikely that you will be able to soothe her wounds and get back to the place you once were, the passion and excitement,. If she really deeply loves you , she will try. If she no longer does because you presented an ugly spectacle of yourself , then I would not count on tomorrows with her...
cylai Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 You are right. Don't force into things. Show your care but do not demand anything in return. Take things slowly. Good luck!
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