basket Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 hi guys, just wondering, has anyone here cheated, was forgiven and went on to continue the relationship healthily? bear with me as this is a bit long. thank you reason i ask is cause ive recently cheated on my gf of 4 years with another girl. The whole "affair" lasted about 3 to 4 mths. During that time, the most we did was french a bit but we made out. There were a few hugs and lots of kisses on the cheek. We spent quite a lot of time together too. This might sound like an excuse, but the whole of that time, the only real person on my mind was my gf. I felt guilty day in day out being with the other woman. I just didnt know how to end it. It even went to the point when i actually said I loved her, which i definitely did not mean. But when im with my gf, i never treated her differently. I continued to love her and treat her like the princess she is. It eventually felt like the other girl was so insignificant. Anyway, my gf found out and has forgiven me. But she specifically told me she will hate me forever. She got me to spill out all the details and i begged her not to leave me. I realize what an a**h*** ive been and nothing can take back what i did to her. Now, a month after the whole fiasco, i still carry with me a tremendous amount of guilt and fear. I blame myself for every single thing. My gf likes to bring up what i did with the other girl and every time she does my heart just skips a beat fearing that she would just leave me like that. We have long talks where i would suggest that i leave so that she can recover. But the thing is, our whole relationship has been built around each other. We dont have many friends. She has none to be precise. So she needs me to be there. To care for her. I feel that now, i have to work super hard. I have to make sure my gf trusts me. Im being transparent with everything i do. I make sure shes ok. I stay by her side all the time. I get barraged with her words regarding the affair. My gf is in a constant state of depression. She feels as if the whole world has been taken from her. I know it takes time. I want her to stop talking about it and just acknowledge that it happened and to focus on the future. I want to mak her feel better and help her through this s*** hole that i made. What should i do? I feel like im about to burst. I should have never cheated. I think its traumatised me a lot.
Curmudgeon Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 And it's also traumatized her. However, she has to understand that once you two confronted it and discussed it, it should have been laid to rest. It's cruel and pointless to continue to bring up something that you now can do nothing about and nothing to change it. Either she's forgiven you and the two of you move ahead together or she hasn't. If that's the case, you likely must move apart.
Author basket Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 it makes sense. but my gf's not one to let it rest till she gets "justice"
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 At some point she needs to forgive you and decide that she will try to trust you again. In the meantime, you HAVE to forgive yourself for your mistake. Yes, it cost you alot! Her faith, her trust and innocent love for you. If she is willing to allow you to make it right again, and you work so hard to prove to her that you ARE trustworthy, then she has to stop throwing it in your face, and atleast try to forgive you. If she can't do that, then wait for her. Back off abit, meaning, don't pressure her...Just let things be as they are but still stay together. Would you two consider going to couples therapy? That's an option to bring up with her, maybe it will prove to her how serious you are about fixing things. Now, if she's only out to get 'justice' and 'payback' against you, then honestly, I don't think things are going to workout...
Tim'sAngel Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 First of all, she is stupid to take you back. Not a slam against you (although I never condone cheating for any reason) but once a trust is broken, there isn't much you can do to mend it. And you say she has forgiven you, then turn around and say she throws it in your face. The truth is she hasn't forgiven you. She doesn't have any friends at all besides you?? She seriously needs to get a life!! No wonder shes always bringing up your crap to you, she has noone else to vent on!! She needs girlfriends to call up and cry when shes feeling insecure or hurt. I personally, along w/lots of other people, do not believe a relationship can be reconciled after infidelity, but if the 2 of you have decided to try and make things work, then you both need to grow the hell up. She needs to stop bitching at you, and your gonna have to be patient and know that she has been betrayed and it will take time, lots and lots of time, for her to get over that, if she ever does. I strongly agree with whichway about couple's therapy! I'm sorry but the way you guys are going, your not gonna last unless you take some drastic measures.
Guitar Wizard Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Yeah... She really should have left you. Seeing as she really can't find it in herself to forgive you, (And why should she? You cheated on her), and she will probably contine to keep throwing it in your face for the rest of the relationship. And even if she does "Forgive" you, and doesn't bring it up anymore, she'll always think about it. Every time your late? She'll think about it. Everytime you cancel plans? She'll think about it. Everytime you make one single mistake or excuse, she will think about it. And eventually, it will eat away at her and she'll eather go cheat on you for justice or she'll just leave you anyway, in the near future. People need to learn to understand that there really is no "Relationship" after cheating. You can't bring trust back into a relationship, once it's gone, it's gone. Sure, your girlfriend might go along with the game and pretned that she's over it, but deep down inside? It'll always be there, gnawing away at her very SOUL. So, yeah. And... it's your own fault too. Your best bet would be to break up with her and move on, because both of you would be better off. And, if you find another girlfriend? Try not to cheat on her.
jonesgirly Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Oh Basket... Its only been a MONTH! Give her a chance (if you want to) and realize that your 3/4 month cheating-spree should be at LEAST the amount of time you would allow for her to 'heal.' Good job on the understanding and all that. Its painful to learn a person you cared for has cared for 'someone else'. Make you seem kind of risky to her, I'm sure. Your selfishness has continued into HER healing though - she wants to talk about it, and you 'don't'. So what happens? Here's what I wish my husband had done when he betrayed my trust: #1 I wish he had been honest with me about EVERYTHING, instead of making me uncover every last sordid detail on my own. I wish he had respected me enough (and had big enough balls) to fill in the blanks when he had all the answers in the first place. It would've made me feel that we were AT LEAST on the same team. #2 I wish he had been able to understand that I may question his answers, I may ask 'stupid' (actually clarifying) things over and over again, and I may not be able to believe him without verification. #3 I wish he had been PATIENT enough to work through the mess WITH me instead of becoming defensive (which just served to belittle my concerns).
Author basket Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 yes. i guess it is right that i give her time. i know most of you think im a big jerk and all. but if there are words that could express how much regret and remorse and how i want her to be happy, i would write a novel. i know it in myself that i will never cheat again. it was a horrible horrible mistake. its not that i dont talk about it. i do. its just that i feel that everytime she brings up something that we've talked about, she will start the healing process all over again. i guess time really is the answer.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 its not that i dont talk about it. i do. its just that i feel that everytime she brings up something that we've talked about, she will start the healing process all over again. It isn't that she is starting the healing process all over again. I think this is a huge misconception most cheaters don't understand. For them, it is over and they don't want to talk about it. But, you have all the answers. You know every bit of the puzzle. She doesn't. The healing process isn't something that just stops ... believe me, it hasn't. It is a constant for awhile. She is trying to work it all out in her head. She is trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and she doesn't even know what the puzzle looks like yet! Each question she asks, and each answer she gets, only generates another five questions in her head. She has to work it out. You have to let her. It is your fault that she is where she is (glad you admit it and are doing all that you can to help her) and it is your responsibility to help her get through it. Five months later she may still have questions, but as time goes on the questions will get less and less. As long as you are consistent and honest in your answers. The more patience you have with her, and the more understanding you are of her need to work it all out, the easier it will be for her to rebuild the trust. One day the healing process will be complete ... but don't expect it to happen anytime soon.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 People need to learn to understand that there really is no "Relationship" after cheating. You can't bring trust back into a relationship, once it's gone, it's gone. I agree with this 100% I started a thread about relationships after infidelity and more than half the posters agreed that after trust has been broken, it can't be rebuilt. If your not gonna do her the favor of breaking up w/her and keep her in her pain, then at least have the patience to let her get it out of her system, which by the way, will never happen. Not to mention, not only did you cheat physically but you cheated emotionally. if my SO were going to cheat on me, it would be much easier to handle just sex with someone that didn't mean anything to him. You told this girl you loved her!! Try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel?? Wether or not you meant it is irrelivent. Think about how much that must have hurt!
infromthestorm Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 Don't listen to people who use words like "NEVER," what the hell do these people know about never?!! They're wrong, anyway, I'm living proof that you can survive infidelity. I can identify with your situation. I’m not the cheating kind, but I’ve had girls play around on me and usually pay them back in kind. One thing you said struck me – "my gf found out and has forgiven me" Regardless of what she said, the fact that you two still talk says she’s either already forgiven you or she’s learning to live with what you did. One thing you said really struck a chord with me because I’ve been in the same type of relationship – "But the thing is, our whole relationship has been built around each other. We dont have many friends. She has none to be precise. So she needs me to be there. To care for her." This is not cool. It doesn’t matter if it’s total forkin’ heaven when you’re together, if you 2 really can’t live without each other, then it means you’d better try. Both of you will be better off. You can’t play the role of ex-boyfriend, lover, and only friend. She needs to care for herself. If you let her do that – really give her time, man – then she’ll be a lot happier and healthier (you both will, actually). Down the line, the two of you can get back together if you’re both willing. I speak from experience. To answer your first question, Yes you can be forgiven and have a happy relationship. But it takes time and understanding, and the 2 of you have to give each other room to grow as individuals, outside of the island that is your relationship. Also, instead of telling her you’re sorry, show her your sorry by giving her space and time to really put it behind her. If you can do that, sooner or later she’s going to decide what’s more important to her – hating you forever or forgiving you and letting you back into her heart. Everyone makes mistakes. What you did is forgivable, especially since you didn’t sleep with the other girl. If you give this thing time to play out, you can get back with your girl. In the meantime though, get into your own things and let her get into her own things. Good luck.
Author basket Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 informthestorm: thanks man. your words are helping me. i understand that we have to stop depending on each other so much. thats another issue to settle. now im accepting everything shes saying. and ive even set up myself with a counsellor to help me overcome the extreme guilt. and the same counsellor is going to talk to my gf and see what she really wants. i hope we can work this through. thanks everyone for their input. much appreciated.
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