Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 BF is stressed right now. ~ He's broker than broke right now because he works on commission, and business has been extraordinarily slow in recent weeks. (He's talked about his concerns over his finances several times in recent weeks.) ~ His daughter's birthday is days away (and he's worried about the $$ to fund the big bash and her gift(s)). ~ His ex in-laws are in town, with whom he has never gotten along with. ~ His best friend is in town to celebrate HIS birthday as well, and trying to drag him out and about to do things (which requires a $$ babysitter and $$ to do the "going out" things). Now, he and I have a pattern of always speaking first thing in the morning, texting during the day (usually, if not busy), and speaking on our respective ways home from work, and then after the kids have gone to bed. Usually the only thing that gets in the way of this sort of thing is actual things that get in the way - tasks, activities, events, etc. - not just feeling irritated, stressed, whatever. Over the past 3 days, our communication has not followed the above pattern at all. He hasn't called in the morning/at the end of his work day voluntarily, instead I either call him or text him something (my sad attempt to "remind him" to call - usually just a simple something like, "Hope you had a great day baby!") and then he'll call. But before he calls, or even before he answers when I call, there's this feeling in the pitt of my stomach that something just isn't right. Today I called in the morning and he answered and we had a "normal" conversation, with the exception of him going into detail about all the things that are stressing him our right now (again, including his finances). But he didn't call at all during the day, or after work, or as I sit here typing now. I called and left him a cheery, happy message...thinking that maybe I could cheer him up or something, but NADA. No response...although I can see that he has checked his myspace mail and approved my comments there...so he's obviously not "too busy" or something, ya know? For some reason, this is making me really paranoid. See, as you may recall, we broke up in April. Essentially, we had this same pattern of contact as described above, and then one day (I call it "Black Monday") he didn't call in the morning, didn't return my texts that day, and didn't call that night...we didn't speak until I called him and he expressed his desire to break up. Until that point, I NEVER had to wait to hear from him. So NOW, part of me is thinking "OMG, he's not calling as much as he usually does...he's gonna break up with me!!!" and the other part of me is thinking, "OMG, he's just really stressed, and I better not call him or pressure him for attention/call/text/whatever because I don't want to add to his growing list of concerns." I'm just sittin' here, wondering. I've done my "pattern" and I'm just waiting for him...trying to be patient, but I feel like I'm gonna burst. Please tell me what you think.
Yamaha Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 You sound anxious because of your past history with this man. Understandable, but before you go jumping to conclusions he does have alot on his plate and you may not always be his first priority. I would keep being supportive and happy when you see and hear from him. The time to worry is if his pattern continues for weeks and he emotionally shuts you out.
Walk Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 What a tough situation. Up until the last paragraph I would wholeheartedly say he's just stressed out. But I can see why it's bugging you so much if it reminds you of "black monday". I have a couple suggestions that may or may not work. Personally, I'd go out of my way to help out with the daughters birthday. Offer to pick up some of the party supplies for the girl, maybe her gifts, or offer to wrap them. Offer to babysit the kids for a few evenings so he can go out with his friends. Cook him some meals, or bring him some grocery's, or buy them all pizza for the night. Maybe something so he could just kick back after work and not have to stress about getting the kids fed and cleaning up and stuff. **I'm assuming you don't live with him, right?** I've found that most people are ok with accepting help when they feel overloaded. However, most people won't accept help when they're thinking of breaking up with the other person. (the decent people) Kind of a guilt complex. They know they're going to do something that will hurt you, so they don't want to accept anything from you. This isn't true of all people though, so it's not foolproof. Some people just don't accept help when stressed, some will screw you in an instant even if they are planning a break. You should have an idea of how your guy reacts under stress at other times, does he accept help when he's that way? Then guage how his behavior is, either the same or different. Another thought, you could just ask a simple question. Ie: I've noticed you don't call me as often and we don't talk as much. I'm concerned that you may be withdrawing. Are you unhappy with the relationship, or are you just stressed right now? Basically, just state what you see, your concern, and give two possibilities so that he doesn't feel like you're accusing him of being an ass, but are actually seeing there is more then just one possibility for his actions. And that it might not have anything to do with you at all. Last thought. Extend a hearty wish to help, make sure he knows your available if or when he needs you, and then give him plenty of space. But make sure you can follow through with it if he does need help. Don't not answer or something. And make sure he's got space, and your not making excuses to call him 5 times a day.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 Thanks Yamaha and Walk. You've put my mind at ease.........at least for now. You can see why I'm reacting the way I am, right?? If we hadn't previously broken up the way we had (or with the sequence of events/non-calls leading up to it, anyway), I wouldn't be freaking out right now. Walk - he and I are in a LDR, we're about 250 miles away. I would absolutely, 150% help out with his daughter's birthday in whatever way I could, but (1) he's "macho provider man," and has a hard time if I even buy dinner one night, and (2) she and I have the same birthday weekend, and I will actually be out of town celebrating with my best girlfriends (this had been planned for months before we even started dating). His finances are really stressing him out right now...and he knows "the bank of mom and dad" is available for him, but he REFUSES to use it, ever. I know he wants to get a "bouncy house" for her party, but I'm not sure if he's already gotten it or whatever...I'd totally arrange for that, if he'd let me. But seeing as we're not really communicating all that well this week, it seems like I can't even figure out if he's taken care of that yet, ya know? That said, I could order and send over pizza - I know their favorite pizza place/type, but I'd seriously have to surprise him with it, because if he knew it was coming he'd feel funny. (Also keep in mind that I make about twice what he does in the first place...and when he makes less because of extenuating circumstances, he REALLY makes less, and I know this makes him feel a little weird. I don't want to make his stress any worse...) I'm not quite comfortable with asking him if he's unhappy with the relationship... I suppose my concern is that he might not be thinking it's the relationship, but when brought to his attention he might be more likely to "blame" the relationship. However, things have been going very, very well between us, so even if it WERE the relationship, I have to admit I'd be a little surprised. All that having been said, when I left the message for him today after work, I did just as you suggested already - a extended a hearty, sincere offer to help with whatever I could however I can, even if it's just an ear to listen. I didn't want to be "too available," but I don't want to play games either so I did let him know that I'm here for him if or when he needs me...... and I'm leaving it at that. I am sick to my stomach with worry that I won't hear from him ever again ............ but that's not rational, right?
Walk Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Your guy sounds a lot like mine. I have to remind him sometimes that it's important that I'm able to feel like I'm contributing, whether with cash or effort. And that relationships are supposed to be so you can lean on your partner when life gets to be too much, not withdraw from them. It's incredibly frustrating. I was a little worried suggesting the talk about the relationship, but thought I'd throw it out there. Sometimes it can create problems that weren't there originally. I think what you're feeling is natural. I'd feel the same way, and I'm not prone to freak about little stuff. I'm not sure of anything you could do to make that feeling go away right now, just time and see how things play out. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now. And keep posting on here when you get frustrated.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 How long is too long to wait and give him space? I mean, how long is too long for a BF to call, stressed out or not??
SuperMonk Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 You gotta understand something about men. When men are stressed or angry they prefer to go sit in their shack, bedroom, or "cave" like what the Men are from Mars, blah blah book. It is true. We want to be ALONE. We're not like you women who go start calling girls for support. He sounds ultra stressed from what you tell me, Even though I am also stressed I can find it some time to say hi or whatever but at a limited time, I would say 50% of what I am normal at if stress gets to me. Lay off him, will you? Man I've had financial problems of my own in the past and you know what pisses me off? Someone trying to make it better by offering solutions or putting more demands. All I tell them is : I'll do it later to be as nice as possible. I'm not like some women or men out there who start waving their hands and being pissed off. Oh yeah, don't get involved in a long distance relationship! Ah well it's too late...
MadDog Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 That's bulls***. Real men don't get stressed and withdraw. They just handle problems like it's no big deal.
Walk Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I don't know how long you should wait for him to call. Did he call you yesterday at all? Or after you left the message? I wouldn't be happy waiting too long, personally. I think 3 days is all I could take of that, after that I'd be too mad at my SO to ever sit down later and talk about it rationally. I guess maybe 3-5 days. That's kind of pushing it in my book, but if he needs the time to think, then he has a few days. Keep me updated. I'm hoping he calls you today, and you two can get past this soon.
konfuzd Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 That's bulls***. Real men don't get stressed and withdraw. They just handle problems like it's no big deal. Way to generalize MD. Your comment is bulls***. Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress, and if his is to deal with it on his own, does not make him less of a man. Star, I know that this is really stressing you out, and creating all sorts of questions in your mind, but I think you need to just give him some time and space. Unfortunately for you, I don't think there is a given time. I know, personally when I'm really stressed out, I get the same way. The people closest to me try to help, but the last thing I want is for them to feel as if they need to bail me out of my situation or throw all sorts of advice to me. I end up pushing them away, getting angry with them as a side effect of my own issues and it has nothing to do with them. Being the 'provider' type, it may be best not to push your help on him, as it may make him feel inadequate. Maybe try to send a message that is totally unrelated to the issues that are stressing him out. I'd also suggest giving him something for his bday that doesn't cost a lot, maybe something homemade, a DVD that is significant to the 2 of you or something to prove that money isn't everything. Good Luck!
MadDog Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Way to generalize MD. Your comment is bulls***. Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress, and if his is to deal with it on his own, does not make him less of a man. I like the political correctness of your statement: Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and no matter what that way is, you're not any less of a man. So if my "unique" way of dealing was stress was to watch a bunch of chick flicks, eat bon bons, and dance around in a tutu, that doesn't make me any less of a man either? I disagree. There are manly ways of taking care of things and non-manly ways of taking care of things. Maybe you have a SO who deals with things that way and you feel the need to defend him? By the way, supermonk was generalizing just like me too. His words were, "You gotta understand something about men. When men are stressed or angry they prefer to go sit in their shack, bedroom, or "cave" like what the Men are from Mars, blah blah book. It is true. We want to be ALONE." He's generalizing just like I am and he's entitled to do so--it's our opinions.
konfuzd Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 By the way, supermonk was generalizing just like me too. Well then SuperMonk's comment is bulls*** too! So if my "unique" way of dealing was stress was to watch a bunch of chick flicks, eat bon bons, and dance around in a tutu, that doesn't make me any less of a man either? This is not the issue at hand... Do you expect this guy to call his gf and make small talk with her, just to keep her at bay? Does this sound manly to you? I think it makes a guy sound whipped. He should call because he wants to talk to her, not just to keep her content. Maybe he's tired of hearing "are you okay?", "can I do something to help you?".... There are manly ways of taking care of things and non-manly ways of taking care of things. Maybe you have a SO who deals with things that way and you feel the need to defend him? I wasn't talking in terms of a SO. I was putting myself in the position of her bf. I often get stressed out about similar things, and I (as a human, not a male nor female) prefer to have some breathing room, and call when the dust settles, as things are said and done in stressful times that wouldn't occur on another day. (This might be the case with their last break up) Maybe he's afraid that talking to her in this high stress time may cause him to take his feelings out on her, and maybe he is trying to salvage the relationship as he is having the same fears. So, I guess what I'm trying to say, Star Gazer... I am presenting some things for you to consider, I don't know what is going on with him, but I would seriously wait until things are a bit better for him, and bring the issue up at that time, so you know you're getting a truthful answer from him, and not one that's driven by an intense emotional state. Good luck!
konfuzd Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I'm sure many people would consider posting relationship advice on an internet forum somewhat of an un-manly thing to to as well.
MadDog Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I'm sure many people would consider posting relationship advice on an internet forum somewhat of an un-manly thing to to as well. Not if my whole goal is to make other guys manly. I wasn't always manly (didn't start working as a lumberjack until I was 7) and I'm just trying to help other guys achieve their maximal potential. Is that so wrong?
konfuzd Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Well, if being "manly" meant being an emotionless droid, as you seem to imply(Not that I deem you in any way the authority of defining manhood) I would stick to my vibrator!
Walk Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Whether or not it's manly, it doesn't make it right for him to leave her in the dark for an extended period of time. Whether its a few days or two weeks, who knows. Or are you condoning that sort of behavior? We should just allow our feelings to take control and to hell with who it hurts? Maybe I got your postings wrong, but it sure sounded like that's what you're saying. She's not saying that she's upset because he didn't call one time. She's worried it's going to be days. Is that acceptable? I can understand needing more time and space when you're stressed, however... If he can't even be bothered to take 5 minutes on his own to think "I wonder how she's doing?" Then I think he's freakin selfish and immature. Basically saying his life is more important, his problems are the only thing that matters. She'd be better off alone at that point. Because if every time some problems come up in his life he shuts her out completely, then what happens if she happens to have a problem too. She's on her own. Is he going to cut contact with her every time he gets stressed. Not sure about you, but I get stressed a lot in life. If they only time they have a "relationship" is during the good times, then where's the mutual benefit? Where's the support for both people? You might as well just be FB's at that point.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 Basically saying his life is more important, his problems are the only thing that matters. She'd be better off alone at that point. Yup. And that's why my relationship with him, as of 10am this morning, is over.
Walk Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 He didn't call? Did you end up calling him? what happened? If you don't want to say, then don't worry about it. I'm just curious what happned?
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