mr.gerbick Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 This isn't about the text messages, but from where the text messages thread left off. Alot of things have been weird with me this past week. Since I went over there and talked to her on sunday, things have been weird. We had a few email conversations since. They were all pretty much saying the same things, she still needs space and whatnot. Then she went off and started talking about random things, like concepts of tattoos and whatnot, like she still wanted to keep talking. So I went along with it, and decided to ask her if she wanted to watch a horror movie this weekend, because we used to do that a lot, and in one of our previous conversations we both said it is hard to find someone to watch horror movies with meaning friends, family, etc. I said no talking about us, just hang out and watch the movie, and thats it. She agreed. So we decided to do this sunday. I was going to leave her alone until then. I still always send a quote to her on a daily basis through email, she said she likes them and it don't bother her, she normally never replies. Yesterday she replied to my quote asking if I wanted to go to lunch with her, so I agreed. We talked about us, and the thing she did, we really didn't make any progress or anything, but we left on a good note. During our conversation she said something about her having to paint a room in her house that night, so I offered my help, she said at the time she don't know if she was going to do it yet, but she would call & let me know. So she called me and asked if I wanted to help her, so I did. So I was over there last night until like 2:00am, and all we got painted was a closet, the rest of the night consisted of conversation about us and the thing she did again. Then when I was leaving, she kissed me, but not a peck, which is what we usually do, but a kiss kiss. At the same time our conversation is still at a stand still of what we want to do....so all of this is really confusing to me. I am still going over there sunday to watch the movie, but I really do not know how to interpret any of this, maybe because I am in the situation, I would appreciate any 3rd parties that would like to give their interpretation.
wahaha1 Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 If I don't look at the forum topic (coping), I thought you were chatting about your healthy relationship, and I am not seeing anything wrong from your relationship.
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 If I don't look at the forum topic (coping), I thought you were chatting about your healthy relationship, and I am not seeing anything wrong from your relationship. Read the ongoing drama I have been having from the begining, which has only been a feww weeks ago.... the starting thread is "Total Mess" and the following thread is "Text Messages" that will explain it all up intil this point.
KittenMoon Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Mr. G- These are good signs, but the word now is: SLOW!! I will repeat that: SLOW!!!!! She is giving you positive signs, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will continue. They might. Or she might back off suddenly, only to resume good signs later. Don't rush her. Keep progressing slowly and let her set the pace. Obviously you are making some headway. I hope it continues.
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 Thanks Kitten. I agree, and I am trying my best to adhere to her requests. Then it just turns around and she starts contacting me, its really weird. Like right before I read this she just called me to let me know that her cell phone is broken now, which it was on the verge of falling apart already, I know she is not trying to get rid of me with an excuse like that, which I know that is what some people may think..haha. But she just called to let me know and if I need to contact her that I can leave a voicemail and she will be checking it every so often, or I can call her at home. It is just really confusing to me, but I agree I am going to take it slow, it just seems like she has part in speeding it up too.
KittenMoon Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Thanks Kitten. I agree, and I am trying my best to adhere to her requests. Then it just turns around and she starts contacting me, its really weird. Like right before I read this she just called me to let me know that her cell phone is broken now, which it was on the verge of falling apart already, I know she is not trying to get rid of me with an excuse like that, which I know that is what some people may think..haha. But she just called to let me know and if I need to contact her that I can leave a voicemail and she will be checking it every so often, or I can call her at home. It is just really confusing to me, but I agree I am going to take it slow, it just seems like she has part in speeding it up too. That's not confusing she was just letting you know in case you called. Having said that, you have no reason to call her at this moment so don't.
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 it is not the calling that is confusing, it is overall everything. The call was just an example, and I don't plan on calling her. I am confused about all the signs I am getting from her. Like her initiating the kiss last night, I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but about an hour before that we had a discussion on how I feel any exchange with a person, wether it be hugs, kissing, all the way up to sex...I do not take lightly, it is all special to me, excluding handshakes. That is why it is all pretty much confusing to me, I just don't know how to read it all, especially when I layed all my feelings right out on the table.
KittenMoon Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 You are over-thinking this. Just let things happen right now. Slowly.
Numbheart Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 You are over-thinking this. Just let things happen right now. Slowly. Agreed, chill out mate, stop pushing things and take everything at a more relaxed pace. When you start thinking too deeply about everything you will start causing damage. She made a move and kissed you properly, thats a good step, things look like they are on the right track, just dont mess it up, be strong, you have every reason to stay strong at the moment.
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 I know I tend to over-analyze things, but thats how I am about everything. Then the part that screws me up the most is that right when I was starting to slow down the pace, and starting to deal with it all on my own...she speeds up the pace. I know all of these are good signs, but they are also confusing.
Numbheart Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I know I tend to over-analyze things, but thats how I am about everything. Then the part that screws me up the most is that right when I was starting to slow down the pace, and starting to deal with it all on my own...she speeds up the pace. I know all of these are good signs, but they are also confusing. It maybe confusing to your own quest for the eternal answer to everything, (and btw thats never gonna happen!) but from this end, there is nothing confusing about it, its what was said to you would happen. As soon as you stop putting pressure on her, she will feel more comfortable and be willing to talk more about things....thats exactly what shes done and now its confusing you!? Chill mate!...stop over-analyzing everything, give her answers as and when she wants them, if you lay off the pressure her questions will start to come faster. Also, if you always over-analyize everything, start looking at yourself and how your actions effect her and why it confuses you so much....that should give you something to chew on for a while
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 Okay, so I went over there sunday to watch the movie. It was a pretty good night. Even though we said "no talking about our situation" we did end up talking, cuddling and kissing again. It was a bit strange because of how comfortable it was. I mean with everything that happened, all of our past issues, and even her sleeping with someone else during our seperation, I still love her. Sometimes I have a relapse and think about what she did and have a little anxiety about it, it hurts, but I think I can past it because of the fact we weren't together. All my friends tell me that I will never get past it, it will always be in mind, which I am scared of that maybe being case too. It is kind of funny how we talked about it, because we both agreed that with our 6 year history and how we feel about each other, we both think it would be stupid to not give the relationship a second chance. We did have one bad year and half, but we also had 5 really good years. She still wants to take it slow, which I agree we need to. I was talking to her yesterday and I brought up just from an observation standpoint basically saying, so what we decided is that we are getting back together, we just don't know when? She said yes, it just don't feel right jumping right back into it like everything is okay and there were no issues. I agreed with that. But it is still all weird to me. This is all good news to me, but one of my biggest fears of all this is possibly not being able to get past her sleeping with another guy. When we talked about it, I told her that i don't blame her for it, I do understand that we weren't together, but imagining someone that you love doing that with another person is kind of hard to cope with. I said it still hurts, and there may be slight jealousy issues in the beginning, but I think I can eventually get past them. I am not a jealous person, but this guy that it happened with is a local at the bars she goes to, and there are going to be times that she goes out with her friends to these places, because I personally can't stand these places. She said when she runs into him she still talks to him, but just like a Hi/Bye type conversation. I do trust that she wouldn't lie about that to me. It still brings on jealousy and wonder, or I am sure it will at first. She knows I hate these places and already said she would never ask me to go with her, because she knows I hate it there, and also she said she knows that he may be ther and is not sure what I may do if we run into him. So, I am worried about that issue.
KittenMoon Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Okay, so I went over there sunday to watch the movie. It was a pretty good night. Even though we said "no talking about our situation" we did end up talking, cuddling and kissing again. It was a bit strange because of how comfortable it was. I mean with everything that happened, all of our past issues, and even her sleeping with someone else during our seperation, I still love her. Sometimes I have a relapse and think about what she did and have a little anxiety about it, it hurts, but I think I can past it because of the fact we weren't together. All my friends tell me that I will never get past it, it will always be in mind, which I am scared of that maybe being case too. It is kind of funny how we talked about it, because we both agreed that with our 6 year history and how we feel about each other, we both think it would be stupid to not give the relationship a second chance. We did have one bad year and half, but we also had 5 really good years. She still wants to take it slow, which I agree we need to. I was talking to her yesterday and I brought up just from an observation standpoint basically saying, so what we decided is that we are getting back together, we just don't know when? She said yes, it just don't feel right jumping right back into it like everything is okay and there were no issues. I agreed with that. But it is still all weird to me. This is all good news to me, but one of my biggest fears of all this is possibly not being able to get past her sleeping with another guy. When we talked about it, I told her that i don't blame her for it, I do understand that we weren't together, but imagining someone that you love doing that with another person is kind of hard to cope with. I said it still hurts, and there may be slight jealousy issues in the beginning, but I think I can eventually get past them. I am not a jealous person, but this guy that it happened with is a local at the bars she goes to, and there are going to be times that she goes out with her friends to these places, because I personally can't stand these places. She said when she runs into him she still talks to him, but just like a Hi/Bye type conversation. I do trust that she wouldn't lie about that to me. It still brings on jealousy and wonder, or I am sure it will at first. She knows I hate these places and already said she would never ask me to go with her, because she knows I hate it there, and also she said she knows that he may be ther and is not sure what I may do if we run into him. So, I am worried about that issue. Hey Mr. G- How much have you talked to her about this issue (her sleeping with the other guy)? Maybe you should try couples counseling soon, to air these feelings with a moderator present (given that when there's only two of you, you will feel hurt, she will get defensive, etc, a third person may be able to translate and moderate between the two of you). There are many couples that survive infidelity, although way more that don't. Not that this is truly infidelity, but the feelings you are experiencing are the same, which is why I think you should treat it similarly on your end. She, on her end, should be willing to listen and be understanding, no matter how long it takes, IF you two really truly want to keep this going. As to going out to these places where the other guy is.... that sits bad with me personally. I would consider that strongly- why won't she give up going to these places?
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 We do sit down and talk about it rationally, she really does not get defensive, she regrets what she did, just from her own personal morals. I understand that this is a huge issue on my end to deal with, and that is why I am scared. I know she will be there to listen or answer any questions if I have any issues with it, because she has been already, and she wasn't mean or defensive about it. As far as her going out to these places, she has been going there for years, even when we were together, and I have been there with her many times, but I just don't like them. Where we live, these are the only local places that aren't "pub" type bars, she really likes to dance, and always has. I guess her mentality is, "Why should i stop going there because he will be there? I have been going there for years and like it." if that makes any sense?
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 17, 2006 Author Posted May 17, 2006 am I stupid for believing so? i mean technically she never cheated on me. I know for a fact. But am I stupid for believing the whole bar situation?
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 20, 2006 Author Posted May 20, 2006 Okay last night I really messed up. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but I have had a cold all week. So I told her I reaally wasn't up to it. So she decided she would cook and we would just hang out and watch a movie. So, I went over there and everything was fine. I started drinking though. I am not really a drinker, so I get buzzed kinda fast. Throughout dinner and the movie everything was going good, I even gave her a foot massage. Then when the movie was over we started talking. The conversation got a little heated when things came up about her sleeping with the other guy. I was just asking questions in regards to her running into him at the bars she goes to and whatnot. She took the defensive, and basically ended up saying that I have to deal with that issue on my own. I got really upset. She is always willing to talk when I am expressing my feelings about what I have done wrong in the past and how I feel about her now, but once it comes to her she gets defensive or wants to stop talking. Which I feel left hanging, because I am laying my heart out on the table and getting nothing in return. Anyhow, with my feeling being overrun with alcohol last night and me getting upset from her statement and the fact she is not expressive to me, I said something, I actually forgot what, that I assume offended her and she just told me to leave. I was in tears when I was leaving and told her "I love you, it just hurts to know that it may not work out between us" she told me to text her when I got home. So I did. My message said "you call it ignorance, but sometimes the truth is brutal. I guess I will see you at the art show." She replied with "B an ass then cool" I tried to call her after that, but she turned her phone off. So I went back over there. She answered the door and I just said I didn't want to leave on a bad note like that. She said we will talk tomorrow. I looked at her and said "It is over, isn't it?" She said no, we will talk tomorrow. Basically I left. Then came home and sent a few text messages asking questions. Alcohol induced text messaages....then went to bed. I woke up this morning and sent another text message that said "why am i the one who feels like i am working so hard to get you back bc i am scared of losing you?" then a following one that said "the last mssg was the only real one. bc it does seem like you arent scared of losing me." I called and left her a voicemail to apologizing for the texts and the extra visit last night, and said they were alcohol related, I think she understands because she knows I normally don't drink. But I also said that I think a lot of the conversation was honest, and don't feel any reason to apologize about that part of the night. I also brought up that she said we would talk today, but she hasn't replied to anything yet, and I am going to see her at my sisters art show tonight, which in a social envoirnment isn't really a place where we will get to talk talk. Does it seem like I screwed up really bad last night?
bendit Posted May 22, 2006 Posted May 22, 2006 I think her going to the bars will bring this relationship trouble. You already know of one bad thing that happened in a bar and she still is going to frequent them. I think its a basic incompatibility. Not a lot good happens in bars. My experience is that if one person likes the bars and alcohol and the other does not, that's bad. If both frequent bars that's bad too. Your story sounds bad. It sounds like a little passion play...a drama about the two most important people on planet earth and their happiness. I tell you right now. Its not good at all that she hangs out in bars. Alcohol is not good for relationships. Lots of bad things happen when alcohol is around. Bars are places where there are a lot of hormones and raw emotion in the mix. What do you think happens in bars? When she is in bars and you are not, how is that developing intimacy? How is that going to be reconciled? Your relationship with this woman is based on working out DRAMA. I don't see a lot of life development going on like how are you guys improving your lives by being together. I see drinking, bars and going to friends homes and staying up late. These are not things you do when you are serious about life long commitments. Its an immature stage of life not conducive to relationship development. Bars and alcohol are going to be poison for this relationship. regards
Author mr.gerbick Posted May 22, 2006 Author Posted May 22, 2006 Believe me. I know about the bar situation being bad. It really bothers me, I am 26 and she is 28 and I asked her a few times, when is enough enough? It is time to start something more real. I agree with you. She enjoys it, she says she likes to dance, which she does. But it is all just a lot for me to deal with right now. We are going to talk tomorrow, and going out for dinner tuesday. Hopefully we get some vital issues discussed and put in the outbox bin, because I am really edgy about all of this.
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