sognyc Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Hi, Sorry about the non descriptive title but I didnt know what else to put there. I am 26 and my gf is 24 we've been dating almost 3.5 years now. One of the problems we are having is that she dosent want to have sex untill shes married. This freaked me out at first but I've kind of dealt with it. She has her reasons, I dont understand them but I respect them and she had been honest about this from the begning. For a while now I have been thinking that she is the one I want to get married to. We come from different ethnic backgrounds and shes told me that her parents might not be so quick to accept me. Her parents know nothing about our relationship. Her parents have no clue that thier daughter is in a serious relationship with someone. My parents on the other hand love her and have totally accepted her. I have tried on a number of ocassions to tell her to speak to her parents about us because if we are to be together then this issue would need to be resolved sooner or later. She says that she has tried to start up a conversation about this with her parents but it has always gone badly. Her parents have never had the "boyfriend" talk or "sex" talk with her when she was growing up. I love this girl and I am at the point where I want to take this relationship to the next level. Recently I proposed to her but the thought of being engaged scared her and she said she wasent ready to be engaged. She says that she feels like she is too young to be married. I understand that and told her that we could have a long engagement (2-3 years whatever...). I feel that one of the biggest reasons she refuses to be engaged now is because she would have to tell her parents and she dosent want to. We have a good relationship right now but after being in it for 3.5 years I feel like the future is still foggy. I dont know where its going. I've asked her when she thinks she will be ready to be engaged/married and she says she dosent know. So I feel like I just have to keep on waiting without knowing for how long. what do you guys think?
a4a Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Why do you want to get married, how much if any is based on finally being able to have sex with her? It sounds like she does not have the best relationship with her family and you release you marry the family as well right? You really need to come up with a list of reasons why you want to marry this woman. IMHO.
Author sognyc Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Why do you want to get married, how much if any is based on finally being able to have sex with her? It sounds like she does not have the best relationship with her family and you release you marry the family as well right? You really need to come up with a list of reasons why you want to marry this woman. IMHO. Well the biggest reason is because I love her. We are really good togeather, we share common interestes, sense of humor etc. I wont lie, being able to have sex, which I think plays an important role in a healthy relationship, is also a reason. I dont really care about marraige, as in I dont really think it legitamizes (sp?) a relationship. I dont want to do it just for that. But I want more from our relationship. I now want us to think about the future together as a couple, maybe get a house togethere. I want to be able to hang out with her family, I am tired of it all being so secretive.
tikigods Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I would really sit down and ask myself why I would want to be with someone that after 3.5 years stilll can't tell her parents that I am her boyfriend. In fact I would wonder why I Would want to marry someone that doesn't even want to get engaged cause she would have to face up to her parents. I would also wonder if she can manage to hide this from them, what could she eventually hide from you? you guys aren't kids any more and its time that she starts acting like an adult
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I would think long and hard about linking myself for life with a girl who is 24 years old and still has to lie to her parents about having a boyfriend. I could understand if they didn't want her to have sex or something, but that she's not even allowed to have a boyfriend? I don't know. Just be careful.
Walk Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Listen to the posters above. They have valid points you need to take into consideration. Having said that.... when I was early 20's I never let my parent's know I was dating anyone. I odn't know why. Guess I was embarressed for some reason. Not of the guy, but of how my parents would react. Toward me, and toward the guy I was dating. They thought of me as their little girl, and I wasn't sure they wanted to confront the fact that I wasn't anymore. I ended up not having a choice in the matter. My Dad walked in on me and my bf (of the time) at 6 am one morning. My bf was still in his boxers. My dad turned beat red, mumbled something, turned right around and left. (he'd told me he was stopping by that morning, I just hadn't thought it'd be so early. didn't have the apartment door locked.) Anyway, I'm not sure I would've told them. It really scared me. Then when I got engaged, I ran into the same problem. I get so embarressed, uncomfortable... I freak out. I know rationally my parents will be happy, but I have this deep seated irrational fear of some horrible reaction from them. My thoughts on your situation. Talk to her about why she doesn't want them to know. Too strict? Wouldn't approve? Would disown her? What are her fears in this? And maybe the two of you can come up with a solution where she can feel safer when she tells them. Either on the phone, through email, in person... Stress the importance of being open and honest with family. Of not hiding a portion of your lfie. That it only hinders her and stops her from being her own person. Or force the issue. Tell her the two of you are going over to her parents house. That you don't want to live your life like a couple of teenagers always hiding and sneaking around. That you want her to be your wife, and if she's too embaressed to have you meet her parents then maybe the two of you shouldn't be together. Guilt trip, but it might overcome her fear.
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