CantCutitOff Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Hello all - I'm a newbie who posted this on another thread & was advised to start a new one... here goes my situation:**I'm a 20-something involved in a PA (EA?) w/ another 20-something MM w/ one kid & another on the way (first child is what led to the marriage, second was a "crap she didn't tell me she went off birth control"). I work with him - though luckily not in the same direct office. It started off about 8 months ago as a friendship & the conversations started to progress & we started talking about going out (he was separated at the time), then they got back together & I cut off the flirtation. I was fine with that & annoyed with him for what I perceived as misleading me. Fast forward a few months: we started talking & getting friendly again. We talk at work, get lunch a few times (with others), start talking on the phone fairly regularly. Then he comes to visit one day & after 2 hours of a purely platonic conversation, it turns into "so... what is this." At that point, we have a discussion about progressing into a "friends with benefits" situation... and it's turned into that over the past 8 weeks. We have great conversations for hours..but then end up getting physical. He's told me that he's a serial cheater -- and he has a reputation of being a flirt. I have no illusions of ending up with him in the long term & am pretty sure I wouldn't want to. (He's asked me this before "Would you date me if I wasn't w/ my wife" and I said "probably not."). He doesn't bring a lot to the table in a long-term relationship setting... and I really don't think about him too much when he's not around. But he's attractive, athletic, fun to be around, sociable, and we get along on a friendship level really well. As someone mentioned in a previous thread on here - it's like I'm a drug addict & need a fix with him. I *hate* the idea of being a "homewrecker," and I never imagine myself in this situation. I've always thought I respect marriages more than that... and I still believe I'd never "go after" a married man. But for some reason, I fell right into it. What's even worse - I occasionally run into his wife (who takes every opportunity to bash him even though I dont know her that well)! Worst of all -- I'm upset that I've put myself in a potentially harmful professional situation if anything gets out...Part of me wants to continue it b/c I it's fun & he's fun. But a big part of me also knows its wrong -- and I think.. "is it really worth this? What have I turned into?" And now, although I'm getting better at not initiating contact... the flirtation comes right back when we encounter each other at work (usually happens a couple of times a week). And that flirtation inevitably leads to more. He's definitely getting his cake and eating it too... and I'm oddly okay with what I'm getting out of it on my end.Anyway - I started counseling last week b/c I realized that this seems to be illustrative of my past relationship history (i was a serial dater & cheated on every boyfriend I ever had...) and want to try to get over the "fix" phenomenon... But of course, he's called and is supposed to be "dropping by" later... and I just don't think I can say no. I don't think I want to.Thoughts, anyone? I welcome the positive and negative.
Buttaflyy Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Sorry I didnt read all of this, but was impulsed to tell u that it sounds like ur being fed a crock of shyt. (his WIFE had two children with him and it wasnt his fault) I mean come on!
Author CantCutitOff Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Buttafly... you're right; know I'll never know for sure about the second child. He very well could be feeding me lies there. He's pretty horrible at lying though & he's been pretty upfront. And given their recent history... I wouldn't be surprised if he's telling the truth there. I do know that the first child was an "accident" in their second month of dating (4th month of knowing each other). They got married by a justice of peace at her parents' urging when she was 2 months pregnant w/ the first one. Other people have confirmed that. Regardless -it doesn't really change the situation any. He's married with children. That should be enough for me to stay away. It's not working though....
movinon05 Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 If you are going to therapy and trying to stop the cycle of being a cheater, then you are certainly not helping your own cause. Sounds to me like he just wants to have fun. Do you really want to be involved in a FWB? Just go look somewhere else, for someone who's available. You said you don't want to be a homewrecker! He said he's a serial cheater! So what if his W bashes him! She might've just been angry that day. Many W I've seen cut their husbands down. And if their M is that bad, then it is up to them to do something about it without you in the mix! You're stil so young! You have so much to look forward to. Look into your future! There's nothing in your future with him, so why are you bothering, just because it feels good to flirt and get some? You even admit that he's not necessarily anyone you would want to be with on a permanent basis! You need to think better about yourself and what you want in your life, rather than settling for the "quick fix". Truly, its just not worth it! Haven't you dreamed of finding someone who can love you and fulfill you? You are limiting your potential for finding the right person. He is clearly not the right person. Move on and move forward in your life!
Author CantCutitOff Posted May 15, 2006 Author Posted May 15, 2006 Thanks MovinOn.. I honestly needed to hear that from someone who has no idea who I am. My friends that know of the situation are completely disgusted with it... and I honestly think I may be LOSING friends over it. I've kinda become a walking train wreck & I really am trying to put myself back on the right track. Luckily, nothing happened the other day b/c he didn't come by. I wish at least I could say b/c I stood up and said WE'VE GOTTA STOP THIS - but no, he controlled that. I also bumped into he & his family last night while I was out with some other people, and I was pretty sick with myself after seeing all of them together. And... now that I've started counseling.. I definitely want to try to work on myself. I clearly have some self-esteem issues I need to work on that resolve around physical contact. I guess I just need to put one foot forward at a time... Anyone have any suggestions for morale boosters?
hokitika1246 Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 But of course, he's called and is supposed to be "dropping by" later... and I just don't think I can say no. Of all the things you wrote, this is what stuck out to me the most. You make yourself sound powerless TO yourself. Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? The more we tell ourselves "truths" about ourselves, the more true they tend to become, and the more slack we cut ourselves when we stay in unhealthy patterns, because "that's just the kind of people we are..." BULL S***! and I mean that in an empowering way to you. Very few people are one particular way, damaged goods as it were, and relegated to a life of powerlessness. Do you see what I'm saying? You'll get this in therapy if you have a good counselor. The most valuable thing you can do for yourself is look in the mirror and not say "I'm not good at relationships" but look in the mirror and consider you actually, possibly, could maybe have what it takes to make healthy relationship choices. Good luck.
Author CantCutitOff Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 Thanks Hokitika... I appreciate the empowerment efforts. I definitely DO NOT want to be a self-fulfilling prophecy at all & am working on that. Second therapy session tonight.It's been NC for almost a week now on both ends & I got a chance to get out of town, so that's all been very good for me. It's possible I may run into him at work tomorrow but I feel much more confident in my ability to cut it off...
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