Woggle Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 She has done everything in her power to let me know she loves me She is sticking by me now in a very trying time when both of us are in danger because of my psycho ex She almost never starts arguments All in all she is what evey man with a brain should want in a woman but I still have this idea in my head that this marriage is not going to last and one day she will walk out on me. There is this underlying mistrust that I can't seem to shake. I don't know how to get past this because I feel the minute let my aurd down she will turn on me. She doesn't deserve this so I have't discussed it with her but it is eating at me.
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Because you have had such horrible, horrible experiences with women in the past. It's completely understandable. Once you've had your heart ripped out by someone who then stomped it gleefully, it's hard to trust again.
a4a Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Well you need to discuss it with her. As understanding as she has been so far I think if you are up front about it she will be able to understand it better when you/ or if you fly off the handle about it. Just remind her that this is your problem not caused by her and because you care so much about her you are trying so hard to solve it and want to be the best husband/partner/friend you can be for her
Author Woggle Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Also can anybody give a little insight into what a friend said? A friend of mine told me taht since she is 41 and never married that she will not be able to handle being married. She is so used to being on her own that she will feel suffocated. Is this true? Should I worry about this?
blind_otter Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Yes you should. I have massive trust issues as well. I have done something in almost all of my relationships to destroy it after a while because that creeped out feeling gets so overwhelming that I end up sticking my foot in my mouth, or f***ing up royally, and in retrospect it was because of that fear you described in your first post. THe relationships that I didn't sabotage, ended because I purposely chose to be with someone that wasn't longterm material. I shot myself in the foot. It's a huge thing for me, a constant battle. I've gotten to the point now where I don't think I will ever marry again. Although people flame when others say this, I think that when you have a specific issue to work on, it's a good idea to talk to a therapist. In your case, I would go with a male therapist. Who can help you work out your issues with women. I have huge issues with men, and I can tell you from my experience that until you deal with that, it will always come back to bite you in the ass. THis is JMO, though, take it with a grain of salt.
a4a Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Also can anybody give a little insight into what a friend said? A friend of mine told me taht since she is 41 and never married that she will not be able to handle being married. She is so used to being on her own that she will feel suffocated. Is this true? Should I worry about this? Regardless of age marriage is an adjustment. Unless you are airheads and are only getting married to play house I am younger than your F but never married until my late 30's marriage is really not any different than living together. You both will require your own space from time to time.... communication is key. Are you getting slightly chilly feet about marriage?
alphamale Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 A friend of mine told me taht since she is 41 and never married that she will not be able to handle being married. She is so used to being on her own that she will feel suffocated. Is this true? man WOGGLE, you must be pretty young if you don't know the answer to this. it is true for most people Should I worry about this? yes, and it was one of the reasons I warned you repeatedly against this union.
Touche Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Aren't you living together now? If not, maybe you should do that first. It's really not wise to marry someone you don't fully trust. And I realize it's not HER so much as just women in general that you don't trust, but in my book, it's asking for trouble. Marriage can be a challenge under the BEST of circumstances. And not trusting the opposite sex, to me, is not the best of circumstances under which to marry.
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Also can anybody give a little insight into what a friend said? A friend of mine told me taht since she is 41 and never married that she will not be able to handle being married. She is so used to being on her own that she will feel suffocated. Is this true? Should I worry about this? A friend of yours told you this? Don't you think that she, at 41, would be capable of making this judgement on her own? Let me tell you something about women. While there are many, esp younger women, who don't know what they want, by the time we're that age there are a larger percentage of us who are not f-ing around any more. We're not going to "go wild" and start flashing Snoop Dogg on video. We're grown ups and think for ourselves and know what we can and can't handle. Mistakes are made, but seriously, fewer of them. There is something in her that makes you want to be with her, despite your terrible experiences with women. She has been very patient and understanding, probably because she knows why you feel the way you do and knows that you are trying to overcome it. If you are afraid to get married, deal with that. Don't turn it around and start blaming her. This is YOUR problem. As someone with crippling insecurities about EVERYTHING, I can tell you, you sound like me right before I blow something really great because I'm scared. If you have REAL reservations, then deal with them, but be absolutely sure you're not just afraid. It's very scary, what you're getting ready to do, and it's going to take all your courage. But the thing about it is, risk generally equals reward.
alphamale Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 It's very scary, what you're getting ready to do, and it's going to take all your courage. But the thing about it is, risk generally equals reward. she's like 15 years older than him CG1927....did you know that?
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 she's like 15 years older than him CG1927....did you know that? Yes, I did. So what???
alphamale Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Yes, I did. So what??? this is a special situation because of the large age gap. it is HER who is more insecure that he'll run off with some 22 year old floozy with perky breasts....when you have this big age difference and woman is the older one then its usually her who has the problem
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 this is a special situation because of the large age gap. it is HER who is more insecure that he'll run off with some 22 year old floozy with perky breasts....when you have this big age difference and woman is the older one then its usually her who has the problem I think Woggle might be serious here. I'm not sure these crazy sweeping generalizations are funny right now. I know you like to go on and on about how all women are actually the exact same person in a different outfit, but he may want serious responses. If I'm wrong, please tell me, and I'll lighten up.
Author Woggle Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 I think Woggle might be serious here. I'm not sure these crazy sweeping generalizations are funny right now. I know you like to go on and on about how all women are actually the exact same person in a different outfit, but he may want serious responses. If I'm wrong, please tell me, and I'll lighten up. I am serious. The thing is that logically I know I should trust because she gives me no reason not to but the sunconcious is something else. I never used to believe in therapy but I think maybe I need to get some so I can deal with this. This relationship is too good to ruin because if my issues
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Also can anybody give a little insight into what a friend said? A friend of mine told me taht since she is 41 and never married that she will not be able to handle being married. She is so used to being on her own that she will feel suffocated. Is this true? Should I worry about this? Wog, you're freakin' out here, I can tell. Honestly, I think you're spending too much time thinking ahead and not enjoying what's infront of you. Neither of you can control the future, or what happens...Yeah, it sucks and it's scary but you can't let those fears ruin this relationship. Talk to her, be as honest and loving about it. I'm suggesting that you go talk to a therapist to sort this out. If you don't, you're the one who will ruin the marriage by the insecurities, fears and your past hurts. Also, marriage is what you make it become. Life doesn't have to change so much just because you guys get married. If you let the bad stuff, the fears take over, then yes, it will change for the worse, but if you keep on living happily, trust that all you have is the now - Make the most of each day together, the rest will just fall into place. Each of you should still have things you like to do apart, just cuz one is married, doesn't mean that you HAVE to spend 24/7 with eachother. Live your lives together, but do it so you feel included, respected and loved, not full of fears, feeling suffocated.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I am serious. The thing is that logically I know I should trust because she gives me no reason not to but the sunconcious is something else. I never used to believe in therapy but I think maybe I need to get some so I can deal with this. This relationship is too good to ruin because if my issues Music to my ears! I'm glad you're considering therapy because I'll come kick your butt if you don't atleast TRY to control your fears and not let them take over and ruin this relationship. The mind is a powerful thing and you can't let bad thoughts take over - Trust me on that one.
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Woggle, I felt like you feel about therapy until I WENT. Wow. Trust me, it's not what you think. It's really helpful. There probably won't even be a couch...
blind_otter Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I would recommend CBT, google it. It's about refuting illogical negative thoughts. I think you would do well with that. Also, I can't stress enough that you need to be very picky about your therapist. THere are some s***ty ones out there. Make sure to interview them before picking the one you think would be the best fit.
amerikajin Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Woggle, Be careful about what your 'friends' - however well intentioned though they may be - say to you right now. Maybe they're just bitter. Maybe they can't see themselves married to a woman like this, or maybe they can't see themselves working it out with a woman like yours. I think the first thing you've got to acknowledge is that you've got a lot of insecurities right now. My advice is to confront them head-on, find out what they are, acknolwedge their existance, and work each day toward building a better you. It's not entirely in your head, but a lot of it is. About being 41 and single...yes, she probably is used to having her independence. But she is obviously interested in giving up some of that independence for the sake of your relationship; otherwise she wouldn't be with you right now, would she???? She may have some difficulty adjusting at first, but that's where you need to be patient and understanding. You need to be able to relax and adapt in a relationship. That doesn't mean being a doormat, but it means understanding that you two are entirely different people, with different ways of looking at the world, and there are times when you will butt heads. Just expect it, and deal with it. My concern is that once the illusion of her perfection is shattered, once you two get into an argument, you're going to be too cynical to see it as anything other than just a disagreement, and your doubts and insecurities are going to sabotage your relationship. Don't let that happen! From what you've been writing about her, I think you've landed on a gold mine here. Don't f*** this up.
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