movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I toally agree that running to yet another guy is not the answer, and like I said she needs to step back and look at herself. She has issues that need to be dealt with but telling her to work out issues that apparently drove her to another really unhealthy relationship deosn't say to me that things were good. Most women use infidelity as a last resort; after many experiences and disappointments, and is usually indicitive that the heart has had enough. Many studies say that a woman cheats with the mind while the man cheats with the body. Women associate sex with love. She seems to need love and understanding and the husband apparently is not only unable to provide this but cares more about HIS needs. I don't mean to be harsh. But I think she needs to be worrying about herself more than keeping together a marriage for everyone else. Sorry DC to talk around you and not to you. I can without opinions if I'm not helping. I think we're all kind of agreeing now that we've got more of the story!
Guest Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I toally agree that running to yet another guy is not the answer, and like I said she needs to step back and look at herself. She has issues that need to be dealt with but telling her to work out issues that apparently drove her to another really unhealthy relationship deosn't say to me that things were good. Most women use infidelity as a last resort; after many experiences and disappointments, and is usually indicitive that the heart has had enough. Many studies say that a woman cheats with the mind while the man cheats with the body. Women associate sex with love. She seems to need love and understanding and the husband apparently is not only unable to provide this but cares more about HIS needs. I don't mean to be harsh. But I think she needs to be worrying about herself more than keeping together a marriage for everyone else. Sorry DC to talk around you and not to you. I can without opinions if I'm not helping. No, everything is helping. Just reading what you gals have to say is helping a lot more then you know. Then I'm having a close friend read what you guys have said and then she caters it even more for me beccause she know me personally. You guys are GREAT!
Guest Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 DC - After the other two affairs, are you just staying in the marriage because of the guilt that “well, I pushed the marriage ... my family will tell me I made my bed, I need to lay in it ... etc., etc.” or are you staying because you actually love him? I stay because I'm scared. I used to be a single mom before him and I did it all. But I havent worked in years and I worry that I wont be able to do it. And I have never been alone. When I was a single mom before I had the help of my mother, now my mother lives across country and by this age I should care for myself. I also stay for my children. He has a son from his first marriage that he never sees. I'm afraid if I leave my girls will lose the father they dearly love. I'm a mess! I need to grow a back bone but I have forgotten how.
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 I posted twice as a guest. I didnt realized I was logged in. So, here I go ago. DC - After the other two affairs, are you just staying in the marriage because of the guilt that “well, I pushed the marriage ... my family will tell me I made my bed, I need to lay in it ... etc., etc.” or are you staying because you actually love him? I stay because I'm scared. I was once a single mom but I had the help of my family. But at 26 I should be able to care for myself and not to mention my family now lives across the country from me. But the biggest thing keeping me is my children. My H has a son from his first marriage that he hardly sees. I would hate for my children to lose the father they dearly love.
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Sorry DC to talk around you and not to you. I can without opinions if I'm not helping. Please dont be sorry everything you have said has been a lot of great help. I talked to MM today and told him I cant do it. He was really harsh about it but then says well, we will still be friends. I'm not sure I still be friends so maybe I will just have to block all that. To, be honest tho. I feel terrible. I know I needed to do it but I feel like I gave up the only happiness I had. This is a very dark place to be.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I stay because I'm scared. I was once a single mom but I had the help of my family. But at 26 I should be able to care for myself and not to mention my family now lives across the country from me. But the biggest thing keeping me is my children. My H has a son from his first marriage that he hardly sees. I would hate for my children to lose the father they dearly love. Scared I can understand. Unfortunately though, that leaves you in a bind. And, in a marriage that it doesn’t seem you want to be in. Correct? Either way, if you stay, or if you go, you have got to get rid of this MM. You don’t have time, energy or the ability to continue it ... you really don’t. It is already destroying YOU. It is way too much of an emotional roller-coaster. You need to concentrate on YOU right now. No one else, just you. To leave, or to stay ... I was 28 with two kids when I left my first husband. I was married for 10 years. He was physically and emotionally abusive. He was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. I stayed for many reasons ... scared, kids, didn’t think I could do it on my own, etc. I also had the pressure from my Dad ... I made my bed blah, blah, blah. My wake-up call was one night we had a fight that escalated. When I finally went upstairs to go to bed my oldest son, then 7, was awake ... he was hiding in the corner waiting for a chance that he could have snuck out of his room into mine to call 911. But, he was too afraid that Daddy would see him, so he stayed in the corner. I knew then that it would be better for my kids to be from a “broken” home than to stay and grow up like they were. With that said ... and here is the pot calling the kettle black, I know ... one month after that incident I met my current husband. One month after that I left my ex and moved in with my parents for one year. Then into an apartment with my kids and current husband. We got married one year after we moved into the apartment ... two years to the day that we met. I would like to say that I could have left my ex without the support of my current husband, but don’t honestly know if I would have been able to leave. The fear was overwhelming. All the how would I’s. I think I was actually looking for someone (knight in shining armor) to take me away and take care of me. Luckily I found him. BUT, he was single, never married, no kids. And, again, pure luck that he was indeed my knight. Where you are at is not easy ... you will have to take it all step-by-step. One thing at a time. Trying to do too much all at once will make you want to fall back into what you think is normal.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I talked to MM today and told him I cant do it. He was really harsh about it but then says well, we will still be friends. I'm not sure I still be friends so maybe I will just have to block all that. To, be honest tho. I feel terrible. I know I needed to do it but I feel like I gave up the only happiness I had. This is a very dark place to be. Not very nice of him to be harsh to you, now is it? I think you are on the right track that you don't want to maintain a friendship with him. He isn't the one for you. He isn't going to leave his wife. He has told you this. You don't need him in your life at all. He isn't good for you. He will probably try to maintain something with you ... probably thinking that you will fall back into bed with him. Then he can have his cake and eat it too. You don't want to be that person ... you have too much on your plate already. You are going to feel terrible. But it isn't just because you ended it with him, it is because of the rest of what is going on in your life. Being with him was just a band-aid. He wasn't going to take you away and make everything better ... he just wanted to be there for you when he could ... and while he could enjoy the benefits of your open marriage. True happiness has to come from inside yourself. You don't want someone to have that power over you. If your husband is truthful in that he wants to make your marriage work, then he should understand (if you've communicated it to him) that you need to take sometime to fix yourself. That doesn't mean that you and he can't be together, it doesn't mean that you have to be apart ... that is something you two have to decide. But, if he truly cares, and truly wants to make you happy then he would understand and do all that he can do to help you.
rossm Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I talked to MM today and told him I cant do it. He was really harsh about it but then says well, we will still be friends. I'm not sure I still be friends so maybe I will just have to block all that. To, be honest tho. I feel terrible. I know I needed to do it but I feel like I gave up the only happiness I had. This is a very dark place to be. As I'm finding out, if the feelings are still there, you can't "just be friends". Scared I can understand. Unfortunately though, that leaves you in a bind. And, in a marriage that it doesn’t seem you want to be in. Correct? Either way, if you stay, or if you go, you have got to get rid of this MM. You don’t have time, energy or the ability to continue it ... you really don’t. It is already destroying YOU. It is way too much of an emotional roller-coaster. You need to concentrate on YOU right now. No one else, just you. Sage advice, StC
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