dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I have been reading here for a little over a week now but haven't been daring enough to post. However, I know you all have some great advice so I decided I need to hear it LOL I am married, for almost 6 years. It has been a very up and down relationship. He has cheated several times, we lost a child etc etc. We have truly been thru hell and back. Now he works for a company that he has to travel quite a lot and we also moved back to a the state where all his family is (we dont get along as they think I'm satan or something close). I have no family here and am very lonely! My H is very open to sex and trying what is not the norm. A few months back I approached him about trying an "open marriage". Basically I'm so lonely I wanted someone (more a friend at the time) to keep me company while he was gone. well, I had no idea what I was getting into. I met a man that was everything I wasnt looking for... married, not looking to leave his wife etc. But we have this connection that just keeps drawing me in. I dont know what it is about him but I just love talking to him and being around him. Well, H is no idoit and quickly saw that this was much more then I expected it to. He could see the way I light up. That was enough for him, he wanted to end it all. However, I was at no point to end it. So, I asked H to move out. Fast forward to today. H wants to work on things and I'm willing to work but there has been so much hurt and drama in our relationship I'm not willing to give up MM and the happiness he provides until I know things are going to change. H knows this and while he isnt happy about it I guess he has accepted it. So, there is my problem. I have no idea what to do. I know MM will never leave his wife and I know there is no future with him in that sense but I cant let go. Is it because of all the hurt and he is the first to make me feel alive? the first to listen when I'm down? I so badly want to end it because I know no good will come out of it and after reading here I know even more then I did before but how? What do I do? How can I just move on? Sorry I'm rambling but I feel like I dont know what to do with any of my life right now and I have to start in one area and make improvements there first.
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 How long has you known this MM and are you still involved with him? When people enter into open marriages, they have to assess every possible scenario that can happen before they do so. Its not something to be taken lightly just for kicks. However, its already been done so.... I think you've kind of answered your question. You start in one area (your marriage) and try to make improvements there. You need to talk to your husband about this. If you are both willing to invest the time in it and create more joy for yourselves, perhaps you can get by this. But staying with MM as well is only going to drag it down, especially if your H knows! You're lonely as well. Is there something else you could be doing when he's away to keep yourself up and invested? Continue reading stories here. You've already said the MM is not going to leave his M, so I think it makes more sense to redirect your efforts into your M and find out if you can make that work. You have to make the conscious decision as to whether your M is worth saving or if you want to go down a road of angst and helplessness and hurt and pain, which is what you will most likely be doing if you continue with MM. And as I said, keep reading here. There's too many stories to ignore! Good luck.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I am married, for almost 6 years. It has been a very up and down relationship. He has cheated several times, we lost a child etc etc. We have truly been thru hell and back. Now he works for a company that he has to travel quite a lot and we also moved back to a the state where all his family is (we dont get along as they think I'm satan or something close). I have no family here and am very lonely! Are you perhaps afraid of loving too much and the pain that comes with losing someone? The death of a child, while I have never gone through that, I can imagine would be overwhelming pain. And even saying that, I don't think can describe how you must feel. Add to the fact that you may not feel your H is there for you as you need him to be and, you have no family close by and understandably you want someone there for you. However, instead of suggesting finding a church, or joining some sort of group together, or to find a couple he works with that, to make friends, you suggested an open marriage. Were you trying to push your H away, or just trying to see what his reaction was going to be? "If he agreed to it, then he doesn't love you enough and so I am right in finding someone else to be with." OR "If he doesn't agree to it, then I feel like he does love me, he just isn't showing it, but for now, at least, I can feel good about myself." Don't take this post as being judgmental, please. I'm not - however, I don't think that having an open marriage, or even the fact that you like this other MM and are unwilling to end it with him is the issue. I think the issue is more that you are afraid to love someone so much, and put all your faith in that one person, where you can't ever be hurt if they leave. Did you ever get counseling for the loss of your child? I may be way off the mark here, but this is just my opinion at this point.
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Thank you for your replies. I know that this is the norm OW/MM posts and to be honest wasnt even sure I should post it here. Everything both of you said is so true. I know I should just leave MM outta the mix altogether but it is so hard. I have read a lot about NC. How do you start? Do you tell MM that is what you are doing, a good bye letter of sorts or do you just block everything and let him think you fell off the face of the earth?
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Thank you for your replies. I know that this is the norm OW/MM posts and to be honest wasnt even sure I should post it here. Everything both of you said is so true. I know I should just leave MM outta the mix altogether but it is so hard. I have read a lot about NC. How do you start? Do you tell MM that is what you are doing, a good bye letter of sorts or do you just block everything and let him think you fell off the face of the earth? I personally believe you should tell him you are doing the NC, whether by letter or in person, but in person is usually harder. Explain to him that you can't handle both of these relationships and you are going to try to work on your marriage. If he has any respect for you at all, especially considering the fact that he is not going to leave his marriage, then he should accept it and understand. If you don't tell him, he won't know what is going on and it could end badly. Do you want to create any more angst by having it end up that way? You'd feel better about yourself, IMHO, if you told him.
tallbrunettmom Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Here's my adice and I hope you're not offended. You went from one unhealthy relationship to another. You should maybe look into yourself and see what's the underlying cause of this. In my opinion, you should cut off all ties with the married guy. And maybe take a real breather from your hubby. Go out there and see what it is you percieve as missing from you life and see what other men have to offer(available) men. The married man is a dead end street. He is NOT giving you what you need which is a healthy, repectful realationship that meets ALL of your needs. I have my own issues granted but as a person who can stand back and look at your situation...your worth alot more than an unavailable man or a marriage where you are lonely. Good luck.
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Here's my adice and I hope you're not offended. You went from one unhealthy relationship to another. You should maybe look into yourself and see what's the underlying cause of this. In my opinion, you should cut off all ties with the married guy. And maybe take a real breather from your hubby. Go out there and see what it is you percieve as missing from you life and see what other men have to offer(available) men. The married man is a dead end street. He is NOT giving you what you need which is a healthy, repectful realationship that meets ALL of your needs. I have my own issues granted but as a person who can stand back and look at your situation...your worth alot more than an unavailable man or a marriage where you are lonely. Good luck. I TOTALLY DISAGREE!! The poster said her H wants to work on the marriage! Why should she not give it a chance and try to work through their problems as long as he is willing? I think the last thing she needs is to bring other men into the mix!! (Sorry to talk about you in the third person, D&C)
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Thank you for your replies. I know that this is the norm OW/MM posts and to be honest wasnt even sure I should post it here. While this may be, I am a BS and feel more comfortable posting on this Forum than any other. As long as you are looking for support, you will find it here. Everything both of you said is so true. I know I should just leave MM outta the mix altogether but it is so hard. I have read a lot about NC. How do you start? Do you tell MM that is what you are doing, a good bye letter of sorts or do you just block everything and let him think you fell off the face of the earth? Since I’m not an OW, I can’t really give you advise on NC, but with that said, think it is only fair to MM that you let him know that you have to stop the relationship for YOU, not for anyone else. You said that everything we said is true, then the first thing you have to do is get out of the unhealthy relationship you have with this MM. The next thing you have to do is work on the issues within yourself that are causing you to fear loving someone completely. Then, work with your husband in making your marriage be what it should be. It sounds as if your husband is willing to do what needs to be done ... get rid of this MM and do what you need to do for yourself, and then your marriage.
tallbrunettmom Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I'll agree that she could work on things...but there must be some other issues in the marriage that she would go running tino a married mans arms besides lonliness with the hubby. And like I said it was my opinion, and I meant no offense.
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Here's my adice and I hope you're not offended. You went from one unhealthy relationship to another. You should maybe look into yourself and see what's the underlying cause of this. In my opinion, you should cut off all ties with the married guy. And maybe take a real breather from your hubby. Go out there and see what it is you percieve as missing from you life and see what other men have to offer(available) men. The married man is a dead end street. He is NOT giving you what you need which is a healthy, repectful realationship that meets ALL of your needs. I have my own issues granted but as a person who can stand back and look at your situation...your worth alot more than an unavailable man or a marriage where you are lonely. Good luck. Wow, you hit the nail on the head. Actually put me in tears. The last couple of days I have been sitting back wondering why I get myself into these type of relationships. As I sit back and think of all my past relationships none of them have been ideal. Now for someone from the outside to point it out makes me realize even that much more that I need to look within me to see what my problem. No amount of words can express how thankful I am for your reply!
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I TOTALLY DISAGREE!! The poster said her H wants to work on the marriage! Why should she not give it a chance and try to work through their problems as long as he is willing? I think the last thing she needs is to bring other men into the mix!! (Sorry to talk about you in the third person, D&C) I totally agree with you Movin ... if her husband is willing, which it sounds as if he is, then they need to work together as a couple to help her with her internal issues, and then on their marriage. That is what marriage is ... doing it together. Since we haven’t heard that her husband ISN’T willing, or is continuing to do the things he was doing, then we have to go on the basis that he is wanting to make it work.
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 No offense, and yes it is your opinion. I just happen to disagree is all. DC, if your H knows that MM is giving you something that he is not, perhaps that is where you start as well. You need to tell him what would make YOU happy and want to stay in the marriage. He has to know everything you are feeling if he wants to make things right with you. If in time, its just not working for whatever reason, then you have to reassess your situation. You have a right to be happy in this life! If your H can't provide that, perhaps then it will be time to move on.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Wow, you hit the nail on the head. Actually put me in tears. The last couple of days I have been sitting back wondering why I get myself into these type of relationships. As I sit back and think of all my past relationships none of them have been ideal. Now for someone from the outside to point it out makes me realize even that much more that I need to look within me to see what my problem. Question for you DC - when you married your husband, did he make you feel alive? Did you love him? Did you enjoy your time together?
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 While this may be, I am a BS and feel more comfortable posting on this Forum than any other. As long as you are looking for support, you will find it here. See that is the other factor that weighs greatly on me. I too have been the BS and I know how terrible it feels. I often think of his W and how I dont want to hurt her like the my H's OW did to me. I know that sounds messed up but I dont really want to hurt anyone but along the way I'm hurt a lot of people... myself included.
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Question for you DC - when you married your husband, did he make you feel alive? Did you love him? Did you enjoy your time together? This would be the root of the problem. When we married I was already PG with our daughter and that is the first time he cheated. I was done then but everyone told me that I had to make it work because I was now PG. Guilt set in and I pushed the marriage issue because of that. I did care for him and we had fun times but I dont think I was honestly in love with him at that point.
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Sorry for the multiple relpies... my other question is... How many times is enough? He has cheated 3 times now and in the past every time he has gotten caught he says lets try and work on this. I just wonder if he really means it and would I know. Do marriages survive A and be a "normal" marriage again?
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 See that is the other factor that weighs greatly on me. I too have been the BS and I know how terrible it feels. I often think of his W and how I dont want to hurt her like the my H's OW did to me. I know that sounds messed up but I dont really want to hurt anyone but along the way I'm hurt a lot of people... myself included. Thus another reason that you do not bring other men into the mix. There are always going to be men who make you feel better at some level. But you'd just be bringing more hurt into this situation all around. And I don't think it would solve your problems. You also now know what it felt like to be the BS. And you'd be doing the same thing to him. And this MM has already propelled you into that situation as well. It just sounds like you need to focus on your needs and your marriage issues without a third party involved. You can't do that with an MM in your life. Especially when he has no plans of leaving his W. Take what you have learned from this experience and use it to help your M. And btw, have you seen a therapist? You could really get some clarity in understanding all that you are feeling.
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Sorry for the multiple relpies... my other question is... How many times is enough? He has cheated 3 times now and in the past every time he has gotten caught he says lets try and work on this. I just wonder if he really means it and would I know. Do marriages survive A and be a "normal" marriage again? How far into the marriage were his other affairs? 3 affairs in 6 years does not sound good! Now it doesn't sound like he's taking this very seriously!! Can you give us more information? Because as far as I'm concerned, this should be all about YOU now and taking care of YOU if this is what you are dealing with as well.!
Author dazed_&_confused Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 How far into the marriage were his other affairs? 3 affairs in 6 years does not sound good! Now it doesn't sound like he's taking this very seriously!! Can you give us more information? Because as far as I'm concerned, this should be all about YOU now and taking care of YOU if this is what you are dealing with as well.! Ok, well frist A was before we were married. Then 5 months into the relationship he had it set up for another one but the first time they were to meet was the night my daughter passed away. He waited three years to tell me then felt he needed to get it off his chest. 2nd one he told me on Mother's Day of 2004, he moved out that day. Then a week later said he wanted to work of things and that he needed to move to start over. That is when we moved back to his home state. He went ahead of me so I could pack up the house and what not. Not more then us being back together a month was the 3rd, while I was packing up the house. He claims there is no more but I often wonder if there is. He denys everything until I have proof. So, I only have proof for those 3 and he needing to get the weight of going to cheat on me the night my daughter died.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 See that is the other factor that weighs greatly on me. I too have been the BS and I know how terrible it feels. I often think of his W and how I dont want to hurt her like the my H's OW did to me. I know that sounds messed up but I don’t really want to hurt anyone but along the way I'm hurt a lot of people... myself included. I’ve been on both sides of the fence as well. The open marriage, your husbands affairs, this MM ... these are all a result of symptoms within your marriage that you need to figure out. You can’t figure it out with this MM guy around. You can’t figure it out by taking a break from your H and seeing other guys. That will only further complicate the situation. Did your Hs affairs happen after the death of your child, or before? I only ask this b/c I think I myself would be more understanding of his cheating if it happened after. His way to deal with his pain so-to-speak. If this is the case, then I do think you guys can make a go of it if you both learn to deal with the loss and learn to rely on each other for the much needed comfort both of you seem to be looking for. If, however, the cheating took place before, then he needs to look at himself and realize if that is the type of person he really wants to be, or if he truly believes he can change. You can’t do that for him. People can change their behavior ... but only if they want to.
tallbrunettmom Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Ok...my answer still stands...these are not!!! healthy relationships. Why get married to have an open relationship...that to me is the definition of dating. I see a little of myself in you. We overlook and then compensate by doing destructive things in a relationship. Take a step back. Seperate from all involved parties and discover who you are and what you want. Trust me being unhappy and unfullfilled sucks. I'm in my second marriage that is failing because I didn't step back and look before I leaped. I'm speaking from experience.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 O.K., now I'm changing my opinion about this guy. Again, not that I don't think people can change ... but it seems as if this guy is a serial cheater and has some major issues within HIMSELF that he needs to work on. If he is indeed serious about working on them, then I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt - once. But, he has to prove to you in every action, in every word, that he is committed to you and only you. If you decide that you don't want to stay with him due to everything that has happened in the past ... do you have family you can stay with while you can work with your own issues?
movinon05 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Although I know you are very confused about everything right now, can I just ask you... How do you feel about your husband in your heart of hearts? Do you think you really know? But I would also add, if you can't stay with someone... You said he travels a lot. I think you need to take that time for yourself and go see a counselor who can help you deal with all of these issues. That's quit a lot to handle in such a short amount of time.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 TBM - she didn’t get married to have an open marriage. She got married because of pressure and guilt. The open marriage was a result of what was going on in the marriage. But, obviously she didn’t marry him b/c of love (?). I agree with you that everyone deserves to be happy and that she needs to figure out what it is that will make her happy. And, maybe taking a break from her H is what she needs to help her work on herself ... but again, I don't think adding yet another man, or two, or three (as in dating) will help her find it - that will only make it worse. I suggest that she get counseling to deal with the loss of her child ... it doesn’t sound as if that has happened (?) and the pain of her husband's infidilities. Until she learns how to deal with her past, she won't be able to have a healthy relationship, whether it is with her husband, or someone else, because all those issues will still be there. IMO - I don’t think a person can have a healthy relationship if they have never dealt with the issues surrounding how they respond to them ... meaning, she has been hurt so many times I don’t think that she is capable of allowing herself to actually let go and find out what it is that she really wants. She just responds to things as they happen. She is afraid of that pain and hurt ... just like we all would be. DC - After the other two affairs, are you just staying in the marriage because of the guilt that “well, I pushed the marriage ... my family will tell me I made my bed, I need to lay in it ... etc., etc.” or are you staying because you actually love him?
tallbrunettmom Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I toally agree that running to yet another guy is not the answer, and like I said she needs to step back and look at herself. She has issues that need to be dealt with but telling her to work out issues that apparently drove her to another really unhealthy relationship deosn't say to me that things were good. Most women use infidelity as a last resort; after many experiences and disappointments, and is usually indicitive that the heart has had enough. Many studies say that a woman cheats with the mind while the man cheats with the body. Women associate sex with love. She seems to need love and understanding and the husband apparently is not only unable to provide this but cares more about HIS needs. I don't mean to be harsh. But I think she needs to be worrying about herself more than keeping together a marriage for everyone else. Sorry DC to talk around you and not to you. I can without opinions if I'm not helping.
Recommended Posts