andyp6 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Hi found this site after searching for help. I've spent a lot of time reading the posts. Much of it in tears (yes and I'm a guy). I've just lost the love of my life, she said it was over a week or so ago. We were both divorced and got together after my wife and I parted. It's been 12 months since we got together. We were best friends, totally happy (obviously not I guess) planning to buy house, go on holiday and all of that. We loved each other totally. She told me it was over because id not put her no 1 through the time my divorce was going through. (we got together after i split with ex wife) My ex wife has been emotionally manipulating me (I know now) and also been conducting a smear campaign against me and this woman. (which I've recently found out about) We were totally in love, she has told me she used to shake uncontrollably at the possiblilty we were not together forever. She said that she now can't handle it, that ive tried to be a good guy to everyone and not put her first. I do understand what she has been getting at but I'm lost without her. I'm totally destroyed emotionally, ive told her since the break that I want to be with her always, have a family with her, just want to be with her. I'm pretty much at breakdown point, not eating, sleeping, feeling sick all the time. I just want to phone, to text to do anything to win her back. I want to say thanks to those people here who have given advice, in the last hour its helped me somewhat, but the question is do I really do the no contact? She says that she still cares, she wants to be friends but the love has slipped away. She has a ton of stuff going on ...selling her house etc, and I just want to keep telling her how I feel, is this right...it sounds a bit like I'm grovelling, which I'm sure will drive her away. How can I cope with no contact, thoughts? I try to throw myself into work but just end up sitting there and if someone said "boo" i'd probably be in tears. I've never been like this before, when my marriage broke up, there was none of this emotion. I know this probably doesnt make sense too much, but at least ive been able to write out some of my thoughts and ask for help. thanks
Author andyp6 Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 If she texts or calls to ask how I am, do I tell her I love her and want her, or do I play it cool? ...messed up here! (as if you hadn't guessed!)
GB111 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Hang in there Andyp6. I've been where you are, 3 months ago... Unfortunately, I did not do NC, and boy, did I suffer for it. She strung me along, came back 4 times, only to leave shortly after each return. Don't know that I'll ever hear from her again now after so much grovelling. Believe me, no matter how much better it makes you feel, you WILL drive her away with additional contact. She knows how you feel, but she's just not where you are right now. I know it difficult as you'd like to have more than "I'm just not in love with you". You'd like to know WHY, but you're not going to find out; at least not now. I hope you're stronger than me and can do NC. I broke down MANY, MANY times and really hurt any chance of getting back with my woman. She needs to think about things, and there's nothing you can do that will make her feel otherwise, unfortunately. I'd say at this point there's still a decent chance she will have a change of heart, but ONLY if you leave her alone and let her have her space. A very good guide is the "Radiations Guide To No Contact". If you do a search on the site, I'm sure you'll find it. If not, let us know and we'll direct you to it. Hang in there. Things will only get better (if you let them). Regards, GB
Pantero Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Damn, man. Pretty heavy situation you've got here. Not to be redundant or to rehash GB's post, NC (especially in your case, I'd imagine) is difficult to do. It's strange. Usually the one who does the dumping are a few steps ahead in the emotional process as GB points out...she's just not there emotionally where you are right now. So when the dumpers don't hear back from the ones they've dumped - they'll be wondering and that uncertainty kills them. Well, most of them (some people are just heartless). It doesn't matter though. YOU are the one who got hurt in all of this, so you need to tend to your "wounds". I know - easier said than done... You said you read through a lot of posts already and know that contacting her and grovelling may potentially harm chances of you two getting back together, therefore, your move undoubtedly is to establish and maintain NC at all times. Her move will be to contact you. And hopefully, in your case, she will realize her mistake and things can go from there. I don't know what else to say, but good luck, Godspeed, and to hang in there.
Pantero Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 If she texts or calls to ask how I am, do I tell her I love her and want her, or do I play it cool? ...messed up here! (as if you hadn't guessed!) Absolutely. Play it cool. Keep your response short and sweet. In fact, don't respond right away. Let her sweat it out for at least a day before returning her phone call, text, and/or email. Give yourself room and time to heal. Nobody will say any magic words to make it go away. You need to not be alone and as best as you can just ride this through until you settle down on the inside. Something that may help would be to type out or write a letter describing how you feel and what you are going through, BUT DO NOT SEND IT TO HER. In this way, it'll be cathartic to get your emotions out and not to cause any damage to anything. Hope it works out for you, dude.
Author andyp6 Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 I never thought I would get such good advice, I can only thank you. GB and Pantero, I know it's a wierd thing to say but your experiences (as bad as they are for you) as you describe do help, thank you from my heart. Just after I posted this evening, my mum, who found out that I was badly down turned up, took me to her place and my parents fed me steak and home made vanilla vodka for a couple of hours! I've never been close to them except this evening, left home at 15..you know how it goes.. God bless them! Your advice has helped me mentally tonight, knowing that someone else has been through this. Her best mate texted me this eve, I've not replied. I hope it will keep the "sweat it out" sweating it out!. Maybe in time I will be able to help someone else, but for now, fuelled with vanilla vodka (home made) I'm off to sleep for the first time in I don't know how long. Keep the thoughts coming though! Thank you Andy
jerbear Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 The other one is from No Foolin http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/
Pantero Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ :bowdown: Andy: No worries, man. I'm failry new here and found this site looking for advice on the web. It's totally awesome how random and anonymous people all over the globe can congregate and share similar experiences. You've got listeners and advisors here. It's all good advice. And because this site and the people who post here have done me a service and helped me out; I feel it's only right for me to do the same where ever and when ever I am able to.
riobikini Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Wait just a minute! -this sounds *different* than other situations because of one very important thing: you *could have* done something about this thing that eventually split you up, but you *refused* to, -not because you didn't *see* it. That's what really tore you apart. She's simply *hurt* and figured that, if you could've fixed the problem and chose not to, -that you didn't care for her as much as she thought. And certainly not as much as she cared for you. This is actually, *potentially* fixable, *if* you can let things cool off first. I hope others reading this do not start falsely hoping in their own situations where the necessary criteria doesn't fit. What we're talking about, here, is serious damage to feelings(hers) -feelings of abandonement, rejection, etc- that caused her to leave the relationship. Even though she states that she's fallen out of love with you, that may not necessarily be true, due to the pride that often comes into play when someone is trying to protect themselves from being hurt further in a situation where they feel as if they've had no 'voice' in the matter. Leaving you was the only choice you left her with. So that's just what she did. On the other hand, what you did may have, indeed, killed it for her. It really depends on how hard you pushed the knife. Being ignored is painful in a relationship. Feeling as if you are the last person on someone's list can make you feel like sh*t. I can certainly see where she would feel as if she could do better than you, in light of the crappy treatment you gave her. Now that you've 'woken up', so to speak, if you come to her with big reconciliation plans in mind, she'll still have major doubts about your credibility -and possibly- about your revival of your masculinity. You see, she probably viewed your being wrangled into the manipulative games of your ex-wife as you being a major wuss. A man without a backbone. A man who could be 'suckered' by feminine control tactics. She probably even thought you might have harbored secret romantic feelings for your ex-wife during the whole time you were with her. Whatever it was that caused you to succumb to the manipulative acts of your ex-wife, though, *needs to be looked into*, because they could be flaws that could return in other future situations, no matter if you get this gf back, or not. I think the odds, here, of actually doing someting about this, or, at least, attempting to give it a shot, are more in your favor because of the *reasons* for the breakup that you detailed in your post, -and the *way* human nature causes us to respond to certain painful situations (i.e. she didn't sound like she wanted to leave you until you treated her so badly). Maybe there's some of the love still there....maybe she's only hiding it to keep from being hurt further. Dunno. But there *is* one thing I do know: you need to make a sincere apology for your behavior, in person. That'll be your opportunity to, at least, show you can be decent and kind, and let her know that you have come face-to-face with your great faux pas, concerning your ex-wife, and tell her that you truly never meant to hurt her. Meanwhile, do something about your apparent willingness to submit to female manipulation, game-playing, and overall blindness concerning your ex-wife. *Do a little self-therapy, digging, and introspection.* Get to the bottom of that mess with yourself. And, if you find out the answer to *that*, come back on here and tell others....-there are many who desperately need to know how you did it. (Smile) Take care, -and Good Luck! -Rio P.S. After the apology, if it doesn't turn around in a couple of weeks or so, -go 'NC' and move on. (You can thank your ex-wife and yourself for the pain of the loss.)
Author andyp6 Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 Your last post was pretty true to the mark and gave me some understanding, thanks. I had already written a letter to her and posted it telling her how i feel, which did facilitate a face to face where I opened my heart. That was before I posted here or realised I needed some help. I think maybe that was the wrong way, BUT I found out today she's just started seeing someone. I had managed to pick myself up a little over the weekend, not now...back to despair. I did even think of that bottle of pills in the cupboard, but snapped out of that one luckily. I know she is moving on, or maybe trying to get me out of her system but why can't I? I would forgive and forget anything of her, I know that my love is total but you are right I didn't see it coming and it hurts even more. I do need to snap myself out of being walked all over, yes, but in my head all I was trying to do was to do the right thing by everyone, to prevent pain to others, but it's just caused me more pain than i ever imagined possible. I didnt know emotional hurt could manifest itsefl in physical pain.... Your words are right..I know..and thats the worst of it. I don't know if I want an answer to this post, I'm just spilling out, letting you out there who are going through this you are not alone, and that there is more than one person in this world who feels totally destroyed, alone, desparate and not just a broken heart..but a shattered one. Andy
bootlegga Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Your last post was pretty true to the mark and gave me some understanding, thanks. I had already written a letter to her and posted it telling her how i feel, which did facilitate a face to face where I opened my heart. That was before I posted here or realised I needed some help. I think maybe that was the wrong way, BUT I found out today she's just started seeing someone. I had managed to pick myself up a little over the weekend, not now...back to despair. I did even think of that bottle of pills in the cupboard, but snapped out of that one luckily. I know she is moving on, or maybe trying to get me out of her system but why can't I? I would forgive and forget anything of her, I know that my love is total but you are right I didn't see it coming and it hurts even more. I do need to snap myself out of being walked all over, yes, but in my head all I was trying to do was to do the right thing by everyone, to prevent pain to others, but it's just caused me more pain than i ever imagined possible. I didnt know emotional hurt could manifest itsefl in physical pain.... Your words are right..I know..and thats the worst of it. I don't know if I want an answer to this post, I'm just spilling out, letting you out there who are going through this you are not alone, and that there is more than one person in this world who feels totally destroyed, alone, desparate and not just a broken heart..but a shattered one. Andy Andy, I really feel for you. My GF of 2.5 years broke up with me over the Easter weekend and that first week was actually not too bad. She wanted to stay friends and I obliged, taking her to a movie and going for a walk with her. BIG MISTAKE! She didn't call/email for over a week and it crushed me. I couldn't eat/sleep and felt awful all week long. I barely managed to do any work and constantly wondered what she was doing. I finally got to see her on the weekend and we said things that needed to be said. I decided then and there to go NC and it's been over 2 weeks now and I feel so much better about everything. I still think about her a dozen (or more) times a day, have dreams with her, etc, but the pain is gone and I think I'm at the point where maybe I wouldn't take her back even if she wanted to get back together. And like you, we had plans to buy a house this summer, get married, maybe even have children, so I had as much invested in my ex as you likely did. NC is brutal on you but is helps. Delete her contact info and just try to keep busy. I'm hanging out with my brother and watching the NHL/NBA playoffs. Hang in there and good luck!
riobikini Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Andy, -*hearts are expected to get broken.* That's why they are so resilient, -even though we don't believe it, nor realize it. And if those pills in the cupboard are a temptation, -get rid of them!! Everything in your life is 'fixable', -maybe not in a way that makes them look -or feel- exactly the same as before, -but still, certainly, *fixable*. Note to Andy: Sometimes, things wouldn't change, at all, regarding our personal growth, if we didn't get a 'push' now and then. Furthermore, those difficult and painful things always seem to be the very things needed to spur us out of our weak character doldroms, and out of that mess of cobwebs we let center around our lives. I'll share with you this: I can't tell you the many times I have heard someone say, "If it weren't for the fact he/she dumped me, I'd never have met the love of my life". That statement, alone, is enough fodder to ponder for a long time, and has great potential to put your own problems in a better, more positive light. (And, -yes- I do realize, that out of the many who could use this 'pondering time', they would rather concentrate on the misery, than the good stuff that can come out of it. That's just human nature: it's us looking for a 'Teddy Bear' who's fur we can cry into and leak a little snot on. It's quite alright, -nothing wrong with feeling a little sorry for ourselves, -it's just dangerous to sink into it too deep. Are you getting any of this?) (Smile) *Andy, let the days roll by, and roll with them.* Wallow in a little of the regret, -but remember that *regret is, in itself, obviously, looking back and wanting what you had....and lost*. Even if it's retrievable (your relationship), things will not -and should not- be quite the same. If it's the same, then nobody did any work. Fact. If you tried, and it didn't work, -then, man, you tried. And that's saying a heckuva lot these days. Then you pick up what's left, and put yourself back together a piece at a time, *better* this time. And you start recognizing it, and calling it what it truly is: a 'learning experience'. When you get this one tough lesson tapped down, squared, and out of the way, there are two main things, I believe, we should always remember: one, is don't ever take your success too pridefully, nor with arrogance, -it's humility and compassion that should appear as the resulting benchmark in your character of the lesson truly learned, along with the understanding and the wisdom gained -and, which brings me to number two: *remember to share your experience with others* who need to hear it. That's part of why we go through these things, if I am any judge with my own life, -and as far as I can tell. (Smile) Take care. -Rio P.S. You are certainly not alone, -just look around the forums in this site. Hang in there!
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