STLguy Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 She's 20, I'm 21, her first relationship. It's the last night here at college for my GF and I and she told me a few days ago that she was going to go to a friend's graduation party that was recently planned, as it's her friend's last night ever down here. I was looking forward to spending the evening with her as I won't be seeing her for about a month. She came over here last night after hanging out with a close friend and we dicuseed it a little. I know she's going to get here later and she's going to be tired because she has very little sleep throughout this week, so the time I'm going to get with her won't be the greatest because she's going to be dead tired. I know she doesn't want me to go to the party with her even though guests are allowed, because it's a sorority thing and she's always wanted to keep her private and soroity life seperate for whatever reason. I realize she doesn't think it's a big deal because she coming over after, but I was really looking forward to an evening alone with her. If it was any other night I wouldn't care, I've never tried to keep her from going to anything she wanted to, I don't want to control her. I just know it's going to be exactly like last night, she's going to come here dead tired and barely able to hold a conversation and fall asleep. I just want a quality night with her, not that. What's the best way to handle this? I really don't want her to go to the party, but I don't want to seem controling either. I also don't want to come across as needy. I was just looking forward to a nice evening alone with her. I really don't think it's a problem with the relationship as a whole, she's always been like this, plus she just gave up her virginity to me a few weeks ago, so I really don't think she's planning on going anywhere.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I think you have to let her go to this party. And, you have to trust and have faith that she isn't going to breakup with you...I take it you're feeling abit insecure of the relationship?? Just seems that way. And you never know how that night will be when she comes over. Maybe she'll surprise you and jump you!! Either way, be glad she atleast is there, even if it is just sleeping. Hold her close, cuddle up to her - Enjoy that intimacy. Be happy for her that she is going to have FUN at the party! Remember, she isn't doing this to upset you, or make you feel less loved...
Author STLguy Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 And I can see where she is coming from. I was just really looking forward to tonight as we've had it planned since last week, and to just have this pop up a couple days ago really sucks. It'd be fine if when she got here she was upbeat and awake, I just know that's not going to be the case. I know she's gotten very little sleep all throughout the week, plus she got here at 2 last night and pretty much feel asleep right away, and had to wake up this morning at 7.
Author STLguy Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 I guess I am feeling a bit insecure for whatever reason. I know she's been really busy and stressed out this last week between finals and trying to get a big project finished for work before she leaves. She hasn't been really open to advances I make because when she's half asleep by the time she gets here. And I guess I've just been interpreting everything and to have this thrown on top sucks. She is taking off work early today to give me a ride to pick up my car from the autobody place, I'll try talking to her about tonight then. I'll just tell her I was looking forward to tonight, and ask if she will come over before going there for a bit.
vi_pn_babe25 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Well you said it was her first relationship right? She might not know how to handle things just yet, both you and her friends. It's a good that you don't want to control her because that will just make things worse, and she'll eventually start to stray at least in my experience. From what I've read it looks like she's trying to balance you and her friends BUT if she starts to blow you off more to hang out with her friends then I'd say she's not really ready to have a steady relationship. I think she should go to the party because you don't want her to miss out on the good times with her friends, because if her friends find out (through her) that you don't want her to go, then they will start to show resentment towards you. What if she left early from the party so that you would have more time with her that night? If not then you both are young and I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunity to be together, just keep good contact with her while she's away and things should be ok, just take it day by day.Well whatever the case, keep us posted k
Author STLguy Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 OK, so I guess I would be in the wrong by asking her to not go tonight. She does generally do a good job balancing everything. I guess I'm just kind of angry about last night and tonight because just last week I thought I was going to be able to spend both evening with her. Unfortuately (for me I guess), her best friend who she's been trying to hang out with for a very long time finally had time off so she didn't get here until 2, and now I have this whole graduation thing. I know I'm being selfish, and I'm glad that she's having fun. Hopefully you're right, whichwayisup, she'll get here and suprise me. And I know it's stupid to be insecure, I'm usually not, she has just been a bit distant this last week because of all the stress and I'm overanalyzing.
vi_pn_babe25 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Like I said just give it time, I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunity to be together, sometimes not being together all the time will make both of you miss each other and usually that brings the relationship closer. If you want a girl to be more readily available for you then maybe you should keep your options open. But she should realize that you're being an understanding guy letting her have fun with her friends too.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I guess I am feeling a bit insecure for whatever reason. I know she's been really busy and stressed out this last week between finals and trying to get a big project finished for work before she leaves. She hasn't been really open to advances I make because when she's half asleep by the time she gets here. And I guess I've just been interpreting everything and to have this thrown on top sucks. She is taking off work early today to give me a ride to pick up my car from the autobody place, I'll try talking to her about tonight then. I'll just tell her I was looking forward to tonight, and ask if she will come over before going there for a bit. Sometimes life gets in the way...She's got exams, and projects so you're feeling abit left out. Sorry you feel that way, but just know that when things settle down again, everything will feel normal again and you two can spend time alone together. It's okay to miss her, but don't over react about it. Take this opportunity to do things YOU like to do. Be with your friends and again, just know that things ARE okay between you and your girlfriend. Don't make her feel bad about this, as it's not her fault. She isn't purposely neglecting you! Be positive about it and let her know you really look forward to spending that time with her when things aren't as busy.
Cecelius Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Permit me to be the small but potentially harsh voice of realism: There's a sorority event that guests are allowed at, and she isn't taking you. Plus she's 20. This means she has pigeon-holed your relationship into the time she spends with you, which is completely counterintuitive to the way that most young women want to run things in a relationship. I'm not saying she's going to this thing to hang with someone else, I'm just saying she isn't at the point where she wants the fact that she has a boyfriend to be established with the rest of the world. At 20, to have just given that status up means she's a late starter and is beginning to appreciate freedom, male attention and the joy of being desired. So I think the relationship is not as cemented as you would like. For that particular night, I say you make whatever plans you want and if you catch up with her, fine, if not, fine.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 OK, so I guess I would be in the wrong by asking her to not go tonight. She does generally do a good job balancing everything. I guess I'm just kind of angry about last night and tonight because just last week I thought I was going to be able to spend both evening with her. Unfortuately (for me I guess), her best friend who she's been trying to hang out with for a very long time finally had time off so she didn't get here until 2, and now I have this whole graduation thing. I know I'm being selfish, and I'm glad that she's having fun. Hopefully you're right, whichwayisup, she'll get here and suprise me. And I know it's stupid to be insecure, I'm usually not, she has just been a bit distant this last week because of all the stress and I'm overanalyzing. It's okay to be selfish once in a while, I mean, the times spent alone are less and when you guys are alone, she falls asleep! But, atleast she's there! I hate to say this, but I have to. Unless she is giving you reasons to feel insecure (and it doesn't sound like she is) this is actually your problem, so hopefully with more advice, you'll be able to handle it better and not over analzye the situation. Antisipation is a good thing...SO just focus on life ahead! All that sex and alone time!
Author STLguy Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Cecelius - She goes to very few sorority events, and from what she says the events she does go to she just wants to spend with her sisters. If she was going to sorority parties regularly I'd agree with you. The fact that she has a boyfriend is also very well known, as she was talking about how much she loves me so much one night that her sisters called and asked me to come to the party. I will agree that I wish she would invite me to these things on her own, but I suppose I can see where she is coming from in wanting time with just her sisters. She is an extremely independant person. I also know that she is not doing this to hang out with someone else. She has a very conservative set of morals, and cheating is the last thing I'd have to worry about with her.
catgirl1927 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 People need friends. My friends now who were in sororities are STILL friends with their sisters. Her friends are important to her, that doesn't make you less important. This is a very fun, very special time in her life. She needs to be able to spend this time with her pals. I think she would do the same for you...
vi_pn_babe25 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 People need friends. My friends now who were in sororities are STILL friends with their sisters. Her friends are important to her, that doesn't make you less important. This is a very fun, very special time in her life. She needs to be able to spend this time with her pals. I think she would do the same for you... She's right. My ex-boyfriend pretty much ruined all my relationships with my friends from college, of course it was somewhat my fault because I listened to his manipulative ass. I still regret it to this day. So yah I suggest that you do more things with your guy friends so that you're not so focused on what she's doing all the time. It's healthy for each of you to have friends in your relationship because it keeps both of you grounded and not so needy of each other.
tanbark813 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Go out with your guy friends and make sure you're not home when she gets back from her party. If she doesn't want to spend time with you on your last night together then don't wait around like a sad, little puppy dog.
Walk Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I agree with the rest of the posters. Also wanted to add, don't tell her that you don't want her to go. I know I'm really sensitive to what my bf says, and for something like this I would feel very torn in my obligations. If I did end up going to the party, I'd end up feeling guilty. But if I stayed home with my bf, I'd feel guilty for not going to the party. It's a no-win situation for her. Yes she could take you, but she'd also have to ensure that you had a good time. That you weren't left out of the conversation, that you were getting enough attention, and that you didn't feel like an outsider. So instead of focusing on her friends and having fun, she might end up worrying the whole night whether or not you were having fun. You'll see her again soon. Plus, she sounds as if she's really putting effort into spending what time she can with you while still fulfilling the rest of her obligations. Even dead tired, she's still attempting to make time for you. I can really identify with how you're feeling, but look at her actions and her life as a whole and see that she is putting forth quite a bit of effort to ensure that you still are a part of it. And try to appreciate that effort. Just tell her to have fun at the party, and when she gets to your place let her sleep. You'll have to give a little more than you'd like right now, but there are going to be times in your life where you'll need the same from her. Show her how you would like to be treated when that time comes.
basscatcher Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 One of my friends daughter is graduating from college in St. Louis this weekend... Cool... I agree with the above posters. Let her go to her friends party. Don't make a big deal out of it or you may make her feel like you are controlling her, jealous and don't trust her. When she comes to you. Enjoy your time with her.. There will be other evenings you can have more of her without the distractions. It is her friends graduation after all. It doesn't happen often..
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 A better compromise for her would have been to attend the party, but also spend time with you by taking you along. Is this an 'all girl' sorority thing … is that why you haven't been invited along to hang out with her and her friends??? she's always wanted to keep her private and soroity life seperate for whatever reason. Oops. Sorry. Missed that part.
MadDog Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Go out with your guy friends and make sure you're not home when she gets back from her party. If she doesn't want to spend time with you on your last night together then don't wait around like a sad, little puppy dog. While he's at it, he might as go to the strip club that night. Nothing says, "I know how to have fun too" like having a gyrating Delilah on your lap all night. Strippers are awesome.
Author STLguy Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 Last night was amazing. I told her when I saw her earlier in the day to have an awesome time at the party and to not worry about being here at the time we had discussed the day before. She ended up being here earlier than the time we had discussed the day before, and I'm sure in a much better mood than she would have if she felt like she had a "curfew" or something. I was actually very surprised by how energetic she was when she got here despite how little sleep she's had in the past few days. In conclusion, I worry too damned much and need to stop overanalyzing.
Walk Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I dont think you worry too much.... if you'd allowed your worries to create an atmosphere where she felt guilty for going out, then she probably wouldn't have been so chipper about seeing you aferward. You worried, but you acted on that concern and got advice, and made the most of the situation. That was smart. You put the worry to good use. I'm glad you two had a great night!!
Recommended Posts