NatoPMT Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Bit of a feeble one this is - apologies in advance. Its my birthday at the beginning of June. Its on a Thursday night, and i was planning to have a relaxed Friday & Saturday day with my partner and a party on Saturday night. He told me last night his father has asked him to go away for the weekend on a walking trip miles away with the walking club his grandad set up - its an anniversary thing for the start up fo this club. His grandad is no longer around. My partner has said that he will go with whatever i say he should do, so if i want him to stay in london he will, if i dont mind him going, he will go walking. He'll be back saturday night in time for the party. This is the 2nd year running his father has asked him to do something on my birthday weekend. Last year I went along with it. I know if i say i dont want bf to go, his father will be upset about it and I feel a bit petty stopping a father-son-bonding thing if i say no. However, i do go along with most things and feel consequently that because i am easy going I find my first choice is often overlooked in favour of people who are more vocal than me. Him & his dad has just bought football season tickets together, so they have plenty coming up to do together. I am in two minds, am I being selfish when he can come back on the evening for my party? He'll be away Friday night & Saturday day, and will have a 5 hour drive to get back in time for the party. Thanks - The Slightly Pathetic BB
AussieChick Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Ok, without knowing the relationship that you have with bf's father, I'm going to assume that he isn't trying to break you guys up or cause trouble. 1stly - your birthday is Thursday, and he will be there for it. 2ndly - it's an anniversary thing for the walking club, with family sentimental attachments. 3rdly - he's making the effort to come back for the Saturday night party. 4thy - coming from someone who's father has died, every moment - especially these sentimental ones - are important. I think if he was going to the football rather than spend time with you for your birthday - this would be different. It sounds like your birthday unfortunately coincides with this walking club anniverasry. Now the important question - is it a milestone age birthday? 21st, 30th? etc. this could change the resoning, however if it's just another birthday, perhaps you should look at the importance of the 'other' anniversary... After saying all this - I hear where you're coming from, us girls tend to get emotional with our decisions, but remember that boys usually don't - they tend to be logical creatures. I don't know if this has actually helped - but well, that's my thoughts.
Author NatoPMT Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks Aussie, it did help. This is part of a bigger problem.... I've got a good relationship with his father, but because his father is very emotional and sentimental, I am starting to feel a bit resentful about how plays out - which i do not like feeling. My bf hasnt moved in with me because his father doesnt want him to move out. I know that sounds ridiculous, but its more understandable when you know my bf is now an only child after his twin died 4 years ago, so his parents cling onto him very strongly. He feels a lot of guilt and i dont want to be pulling against that and making bf feel more obligated than he already does to people in his life. Sometimes i feel a bit less patient than i ought to, and this is one of those times - although usually, i am the one who relents gladly. I will have something arranged (its infrequent as I have learned that usually arrangements get broken) and the day before, it transpires his dad has something else arranged so my plans arent going to happen. I think what i shall do is actually ask bf what he wants to do and go with that.
littlekitty Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Hey BB! I think on this occassion you should let him go. Your actual Birthday is Thurs, and I presume you'll get to see him on the day? He can be back in time for the party. And... the walking thing clearly has sentimental overtones. However, if you do feel as though your easy going nature is beginning to see you take 2nd place a little too often, then I would suggest occassionally saying no. I'm just not sure this is the situation to do it. I think the sentimental issue for him and his father might mean you come off looking bad, rather than just putting your foot down for once.
littlekitty Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks Aussie, it did help. This is part of a bigger problem.... I've got a good relationship with his father, but because his father is very emotional and sentimental, I am starting to feel a bit resentful about how plays out - which i do not like feeling. My bf hasnt moved in with me because his father doesnt want him to move out. I know that sounds ridiculous, but its more understandable when you know my bf is now an only child after his twin died 4 years ago, so his parents cling onto him very strongly. He feels a lot of guilt and i dont want to be pulling against that and making bf feel more obligated than he already does to people in his life. Sometimes i feel a bit less patient than i ought to, and this is one of those times - although usually, i am the one who relents gladly. I will have something arranged (its infrequent as I have learned that usually arrangements get broken) and the day before, it transpires his dad has something else arranged so my plans arent going to happen. I think what i shall do is actually ask bf what he wants to do and go with that. I think that's a good idea this time. With the new info, I'd definately recommend ensuring that you aren't always second best. While he feels obligated to his parents (and its easy to see why) he does have to have his own life. Maybe sometimes he needs you to say no. Maybe that will help him say no to them....?
AussieChick Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Hey BB, I think that if you do go with asking bf want he wants - you need to do it in a way that doesn't make him feel that he's being tested. (not sure how you do this), but you also have to make sure that you are genuinely ready to accept the decision unconditionally - especially if he chooses to go walking. It sounds really tricky with the parents situation, but I guess you know whether he's worth the patience, just make sure that putting the decision in his hands doesn't turn into a "if you really loved me you'd spend the weekend wih me" situation. Good luck! Good luck!
Author NatoPMT Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks Girls Hi Kitty - Hope you're good young lady, with all that smoochin in your avatar i assume you are - wit woo I think thats the way to go, I think i have let myself be slightly taken advantage of ....but it advantage taken for the right reasons, its nothing malicious on anyone elses behalf but i shouldnt let circumstance allow me to come 2nd best too much. I won't be hissy about letting him make the decision, he knows that - if i suggest he does what he wants, he'll know thats what i mean at face value. Because of the drive, im not altogether that sure he'll want to go anyway, but i think he feels he should but he can use me as an excuse if he wants as his dad would be offended. I posted this during a bit of a foot stamping episode - thanks for helping me keep my head a bit more level!
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Is it possible that they go another weekend? Or does it have to be that particular weekend? Maybe suggest gently to your bf to ask his dad about that. OR... You plan your bday party for the weekend after? I don't know, that's a tough spot to be in! I hope there is some sort of compromise made. Good luck and let us know what happens. PS nice to see you posting back here on LS again!
littlekitty Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks Girls Hi Kitty - Hope you're good young lady, with all that smoochin in your avatar i assume you are - wit woo I think thats the way to go, I think i have let myself be slightly taken advantage of ....but it advantage taken for the right reasons, its nothing malicious on anyone elses behalf but i shouldnt let circumstance allow me to come 2nd best too much. I won't be hissy about letting him make the decision, he knows that - if i suggest he does what he wants, he'll know thats what i mean at face value. Because of the drive, im not altogether that sure he'll want to go anyway, but i think he feels he should but he can use me as an excuse if he wants as his dad would be offended. I posted this during a bit of a foot stamping episode - thanks for helping me keep my head a bit more level! Yeah we're good thanks honey!! All good! I think you'll be fine, we all have those times when we want to stamp our feet!!
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