Blind Illusion Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I'm not really sure where I am at in terms of an affair. Our relationship (between MM & I) is nothing like it was in the beginning years and years ago. It's more than the usual course a relationship takes, where you do lose some of that initial excitement, etc. He seems more distant yet will also pop into my life like nothing has happened. Sometimes I feel so good about him (less so, lately) and other times, I have become so emotionally shell shocked that I don't know what to think at all. There has never been a period of NC instigated by either of us. I have read somewhere that there are affairs that just gradually fizz out? Perhaps mine is one of them, although, this is because of him. (I feel anyhow..lol) I am nowhere as deranged about hearing from him less often although I still have such deep feelings for him. Today he calls me and leaves a message that he is on the road and to call him back. Today, I didn't. Someone, (outside of LS) suggested that maybe I could act "as if" I didn't get that call and go about the day as planned. I wonder if I can just bid this relationship a farewell without ever saying those words (because they scare me) He seems to want to contact me less and less. What if I just help him along and make even less contact too? Is closure really that important anyhow?
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Ah, the whole weaning thing. Does that work? We (my xMM and I) tried it. Failed miserably. We are now in total NC. Closure: I think that depends upon the person on whether it is necessary. Some people must have it....others do not. How long have you and the MM been together? And how do YOU feel about the gradual weaning off of each other?
silktricks Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Is closure really that important anyhow? Why not just pretend he died? With death there is no closure - it just ends.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Ah, the whole weaning thing. Does that work? We (my xMM and I) tried it. Failed miserably. We are now in total NC. Closure: I think that depends upon the person on whether it is necessary. Some people must have it....others do not. How long have you and the MM been together? And how do YOU feel about the gradual weaning off of each other? Yes, the weaning thing.. Why did it fail miserably, if I am not getting too personal? I know the MM for a little more than 6 years. The last 18 months to 2 years I feel that he is trying to distant or wean himself from me. When I try to do likewise (because what else can i do?) he becomes *new & improved* for just a little bit with increased attention. One thing I must say good about him is that he is also very good about listening to me when I talk about problems, fears, etc. He' excellent that way. Great with advice too. Unfortunately, I never confide that it is HE that has the ability to make me feel the most lost and confused in life because it is him that I care so much about and love.
TeaCooler Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 i don't think closure ever really comes for those who are seeking it, because i think at least half the time, "closure" is an excuse to have contact with the ex. i've never needed closure. i've never been dumped, but if i were, the closure for me would be "the relationship is over. how is asking why going help? i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me." or at least, i think it would. haha, maybe not. but in any case, evenif i didn't see that as closure, i am sure i might use it as an excuse to contact my ex (if i still wanted to be with that person) so, yeah, to me the idea of closure is bulls***, i suppose.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 i've never needed closure. i've never been dumped, but if i were, the closure for me would be "the relationship is over. how is asking why going help? i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me." . I have always thought of it a bit like this too. Like what's the point of this tearful and emotional goodbye if the outcome is already established. It's not so much the idea of getting in contact. I can do that now anyhow, since there never was this final talk about farewells and relationships not being satisfactory, etc, It's more something I wonder because to be truthful, I never had any experience with concrete endings and goodbyes in life. My father left our house little by little until my parents finally divorced. With another important relationship in my life, there were short-lived breakups but again, in the end, there was this ultimate but lengthy drifting apart after 7 years. Now, again, the same pattern repeats itself with this affair. I can't help but wonder if it's because I never saw or tried any other way. Is it me that I don't like the drama and finality of a relationship goodbye? Am I involved with like-minded people. I guess the lack of closure isn't that important...I do wonder though if I stay in relationships longer than I should though because of this. Another thing also is would it be easier to stay stronger about moving on if I verbalized the end? Now, something goes wrong or I start missing him too much and I gravitate back. It's easy to because I never closed the door and he didn't either.
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 The weaning for us didn't work because the pull was too strong to keep in contact. Now, he chose to stay in the marriage when his wife found out about me, but the contact never stopped. The e-mails continued, the phone calls became more rare, but still continued. I was in a private hell of limbo. He thought that perhaps we could wean each other off of each other slowly, but after a few days of NC, an e-mail frenzy would occur, and then the e-mails would start again with regularity. So, we both agreed on NC. Total NC. There really was no other choice. Seemed like to me, we were just prolonging the agony and inevitability of the demise of the relationship. We had nowhere to go but away from each other. So, you see, the weaning didn't work because it was just reinforcement for us to keep in contact. And there was no point in that. We had hit a standstill. And that is where I am today.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks, Walking Away, for sharing (or resharing) your story. While I am sorry that any of you have to go through these types of tribulations and heartache, it is good to know that there are other people out there that understand completely.
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 You make a good point, Blind Illusion. If you never officially say goodbye, that door is always left open a crack for you or he to slip back in.... I see where this may be easier...
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks, Walking Away, for sharing (or resharing) your story. While I am sorry that any of you have to go through these types of tribulations and heartache, it is good to know that there are other people out there that understand completely. Oh I understand. Our feelings for each other were still very much "there" for each other when we instituted NC. He professed to still be in love with me the very day we made the NC decision. Makes it harder to walk away, but I don't think it is ever easy to walk away from these relationships. But, what choice did we have, really? This is the price we have to pay for loving someone we shouldn't be loving, I guess.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I don't think TeaCooler is correct about closure. Its not about getting to see them one more time. God knows, I don't want to see or talk to him because it would be the hardest thing in my life to have to deal with. But I do believe that ultimately it would have been better for me to have had the closure. I wasn't given the chance and I was left in limbo. I guess with you it seems you are moving toward what might be an ending, and if so, wouldn't it be better to part, say what you need to say, have respect for each other's decision, and walk away? It doesn't sound like you're getting much from this whole A anymore. So why drag it on? If you don't just end it with some kind of understanding, bitterness is going to set in. And it sounds like you two can talk to each other about your feelings. Are you married? Are you single and dating? Has he said you'll be together someday. Or are you just living for today, and not for tomorrow? Sorry, I don't know more about your story.
TeaCooler Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I don't think TeaCooler is correct about closure. Its not about getting to see them one more time. God knows, I don't want to see or talk to him because it would be the hardest thing in my life to have to deal with. But I do believe that ultimately it would have been better for me to have had the closure. I wasn't given the chance and I was left in limbo. it's not about being "correct", it's just an opinion. i think that that most of the time, not for all people, but for many, that closure is an excuse. and so you're not wrong either. and if you were left in limbo, that sucks, and i'm sorry you felt that way.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 it's not about being "correct", it's just an opinion. i think that that most of the time, not for all people, but for many, that closure is an excuse. and so you're not wrong either. and if you were left in limbo, that sucks, and i'm sorry you felt that way. Perhaps a poor choice of words on my part. Yes it is your opinion. Then again, you say you've never been in this situation so you can never really say for sure how you would feel about it. We can agree to disagree on this one. And every situation is different as well.
Author Blind Illusion Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 I guess with you it seems you are moving toward what might be an ending, and if so, wouldn't it be better to part, say what you need to say, have respect for each other's decision, and walk away? It doesn't sound like you're getting much from this whole A anymore. So why drag it on? If you don't just end it with some kind of understanding, bitterness is going to set in. And it sounds like you two can talk to each other about your feelings. Are you married? Are you single and dating? Has he said you'll be together someday. Or are you just living for today, and not for tomorrow? Sorry, I don't know more about your story. Very true, about me not getting much from this whole A any longer. To answer your questions, yes I am married but that's yet relationship that needs to end. This fact has nothing to do with the affair-in fact, the affair probably helped a bad marriage go on for a bit longer. No, he has never said we would be together someday nor have I ever asked him to, figuring the obvious. I guess I always accepted his marriage (sort of anyhow) until 2 years ago when his wife went to speak to a lawyer about leaving but reversed that when she realized she couldn't afford to live alone. Three months later, they moved out of state so I obviously don't see him as much as before. If I hadn't heard the wife's phone messages myself, I might have thought the MM was exaggerating things just a bit. (he was confused about these messages one night & gave me his cell password so i could listen to them). In retrospect, this was a dumb idea because for the first time i started to hope that he would be free. Then I felt so let down when this was not the case.
TeaCooler Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 Perhaps a poor choice of words on my part. Yes it is your opinion. Then again, you say you've never been in this situation so you can never really say for sure how you would feel about it. We can agree to disagree on this one. And every situation is different as well. i agree. and i was never actually dumped...but there were times i thought i was going to be and kind of just accepted it. maybe that counts, i don't know. but in general, with the people i've seen go through it, they do all the convincing in the world that they "just want their stuff back" or "just want to give stuff back" and "just wanted to check if their stuff is there" or "i just want to call and say happy birthday" and "i want closure" and honestly, they really feel like they would have had more of a chance to get back together if they just saw each other one last time. the only "closure" they were looking for was a reunion. not all people, though, i am sure.
movinon05 Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 i agree. and i was never actually dumped...but there were times i thought i was going to be and kind of just accepted it. maybe that counts, i don't know. but in general, with the people i've seen go through it, they do all the convincing in the world that they "just want their stuff back" or "just want to give stuff back" and "just wanted to check if their stuff is there" or "i just want to call and say happy birthday" and "i want closure" and honestly, they really feel like they would have had more of a chance to get back together if they just saw each other one last time. the only "closure" they were looking for was a reunion. not all people, though, i am sure. Well you did just remind me of my sister, who when a relationship has ended, she still calls once in awhile to say happy birthday, to ask a question, to ask how his mother is doing because she hasn't been well. And I don't know why she keeps doing this. I keep saying to her, why are you bothering? And she always has some excuse but says she's not looking to start anything up again. I think its more of a curiosity thing with her to see where he's at, although I don't know for sure. It just seems like wasted time to me. She has a habit of doing this type of thing. For me, even though I was left in limbo, I just tried to go on with my life. And then he would show up again. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I had just confronted him to let him know how I felt about what he kept doing to me, but I just didn't bother and chose to deal with it in my own way. I don't know why I choose to deal with it this way. But I guess if someone chooses to leave me, then I really don't care what their reason is. They made the choice. I'm tired of the excuses, so I don't ask for them. They're just words anyway.
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