zarathustra Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Wondering if anyone is in the same boat. In love with a man who you can't have ie. A MM. How do you cope? Nothing has happened. Due to the community in which we both live and work, literally round the corner from each other. Cannot completely avoid one another. wish i could forget him but he's still in my head. Thing is he continues to flirt with me there was been recently a bit more eye contact, locking eyes and winking. amgine, I don't think its about forgetting that person, but having read some of the pain that some of us has gone through, its more about taking measures for self preservations. You don't have to avoid this person, but I think it would be wise to tell him that flirting with you is not acceptable behaviour given his being married and that his behaviour would not be viewed favourably by his wife. Trust me, you don't want to go down this road... it leads to a lot of pain and you'll wonder why you travelled it to begin with. Good luck!
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Huh?? You know he's playing with your emotions here. Catherization??? Does he mean he needs a stent for his heart disease? Or is he having a blocked urethra? Anyhow, you know that he's trying to be manipulative here, don't you? "as little stress as possible"... geez... what's that supposed to mean? I don't know about you but that makes me quite angry! My husband is very manipulative and would play on my guilt to get what he wants and your MM reminds me of him during his worst days! Okay - 1st of all he had a heart attack in 9/04. And when he said "as little stress as possible - I forgot to add - he said "as little stress as possible for now." If he had left out the "for now", I could've just shrugged it off and said in my mind, "Fine, whatever. Go live your life". But he opened that one little window with "for now". Coupled with some other things, that is what leads me to believe that he has been doing all this to lead up to something. He has seen my friend numerous times and has never brought up anything. But now there's a pattern. Do you understand what I'm seeing or trying to figure out what he's doing?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Okay - 1st of all he had a heart attack in 9/04. And when he said "as little stress as possible - I forgot to add - he said "as little stress as possible for now." If he had left out the "for now", I could've just shrugged it off and said in my mind, "Fine, whatever. Go live your life". But he opened that one little window with "for now". Coupled with some other things, that is what leads me to believe that he has been doing all this to lead up to something. He has seen my friend numerous times and has never brought up anything. But now there's a pattern. Do you understand what I'm seeing or trying to figure out what he's doing? Hm.. well, a heart attack and subsequent surgery can have a profound effect on any person, changing their outlook and all. However, please proceed with caution - which I'm sure that's what you are doing. He could still want to have his cake and eat it too. I see why you are feeling conflicted. OK, here's a plan: If he wants your trust back, he really has to work for it now. Make him work for it. Keep your BF and play with the MM, like he were an OM - a side dish! Flirt with him, make it known to him that you love him... but he'd have to be on the side for now because you haven't mustered up the courage to leave your BF yet.
zarathustra Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I'm sorry, I missed your post. Okay here's as honest as I can get. I love him with all my heart. If he got divorced, I would want to marry him. Here's the reality: My kids absolutely hate him. His kids absolutely hate me. He'd probably lose his daughter - but his son would come around. His W would still try to make our lives hell. I don't know that I could ever trust him again without A LOT of work. My family would be so disappointed in me. He would have to get over the truth that I have dated and had a sexual relationship. He is extremely jealous. I don't know that he could do that and I would not go into the relationship without being totally up front with him because I could not possibly live a lie and not have him deal with the reality. I'm living in a dream world. I don't know how we could ever make it. And I was so strong. I didn't think I could falter. That is why the NC was so important for my well being to get through this. And now its all come rushing back to slap me in the face again and turn my world upside down. And that's the truth. I'm feeling like a failure again. And I can't get over how he affects me like this. Don't feel like a failure. You lived with hope for so many years that its not so easy to just say 'f*** it all'. MO, I've come to realize (after my ex-fiance) how important my friends and family is to me. I think that given his kids hates you and your kids hate him that even if he were to divorce it would be very hard to lead a happy life with him. Do you think that your kids hate him for valid or invalid reasons? If one of your children were to find himself/herself in the same situation you found yourself in, who would you advise them? I think that sometimes as we stand a few feet away from the situation, we just see things so much differently than those immerse in the situation itself. I think that if my xMM and I were both available, he has done so much to my life that my friends would never truly accept him in my life even though he would be included in our activities together. I have been with someone that my friends did not like but they accept him because he treated me less than what I should consider my love standard and I learned that sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. I don't know if I'm making any sense (I'm tipsy) but I really believe that relationships are hard enough that external obstacles are one thing that couples can live without. Remember... take baby steps. Much love to you!! [FONT=Arial][sIZE=1] [/sIZE][/FONT]
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Hm.. well, a heart attack and subsequent surgery can have a profound effect on any person, changing their outlook and all. However, please proceed with caution - which I'm sure that's what you are doing. He could still want to have his cake and eat it too. I see why you are feeling conflicted. OK, here's a plan: If he wants your trust back, he really has to work for it now. Make him work for it. Keep your BF and play with the MM, like he were an OM - a side dish! Flirt with him, make it known to him that you love him... but he'd have to be on the side for now because you haven't mustered up the courage to leave your BF yet. He will never have his cake and eat it too with me ever ever again! Of that, I can promise without a shred of a doubt. If he really wanted me bad enough, he'd have to move out and get divorced without one promise from me. I am NOT going down that road again. And I am NOT EVER doing that to my kids again either. We would have to start from scratch with a new slate. And he would really have to work at earning my trust. Of course, this is all conjecture. He won't contact me personally right now. His son is graduating, there will be the prom, graduation, party, etc., preparing to go away to college, yada yada. And also someone mentioned to me in another thread, that they had to deal with the H feeling bad for the W because she was going through the empty nest syndrome. So, sorry, Ain't going there. He has to be done and out for good and not slip up once! Having said all that, I still don't know how we could make it. Like I said, its a dream, but not necessarily a possible reality.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Don't feel like a failure. You lived with hope for so many years that its not so easy to just say 'f*** it all'. MO, I've come to realize (after my ex-fiance) how important my friends and family is to me. I think that given his kids hates you and your kids hate him that even if he were to divorce it would be very hard to lead a happy life with him. Do you think that your kids hate him for valid or invalid reasons? If one of your children were to find himself/herself in the same situation you found yourself in, who would you advise them? I think that sometimes as we stand a few feet away from the situation, we just see things so much differently than those immerse in the situation itself. I think that if my xMM and I were both available, he has done so much to my life that my friends would never truly accept him in my life even though he would be included in our activities together. I have been with someone that my friends did not like but they accept him because he treated me less than what I should consider my love standard and I learned that sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. I don't know if I'm making any sense (I'm tipsy) but I really believe that relationships are hard enough that external obstacles are one thing that couples can live without. Remember... take baby steps. Much love to you!! All of which goes to the fact that I have to really face facts. That 1% of hope can really kill you even when you're faced with 99% failure. My head has to overcome my heart again. Oh and yes, my kids have every right to hate him given what we've all gone through. They would have accepted him at some point, but the water kept going over the dam over and over again like a never ending flood. I think if he had stuck by me they would've seen why we were together.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 He will never have his cake and eat it too with me ever ever again! Of that, I can promise without a shred of a doubt. If he really wanted me bad enough, he'd have to move out and get divorced without one promise from me. I am NOT going down that road again. Well, what if he gets back to his wife after a divorce? He did that last time... and I'm sure that is giving you some trepidation as well. Having said all that, I still don't know how we could make it. Like I said, its a dream. We are on the same boat here. My head tells me it's impossible. My heart tells me to hope and to dream. Yeah, I can see how conflicted you are now.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Well, what if he gets back to his wife after a divorce? He did that last time... and I'm sure that is giving you some trepidation as well. We are on the same boat here. My head tells me it's impossible. My heart tells me to hope and to dream. Yeah, I can see how conflicted you are now. The longest he ever stayed separated was for 2 months. One can never say never as to whether he would go back to his W after going through the whole divorce. But I would really doubt that. Who knows. But I definitely will not get mixed up in anything that goes on over there. He has to be out and clean. And as I said, if he would just leave me the hell alone, I could get back on my feet again. Just NC me. That's all I ask! You'll be able to do it too! Sometimes I think some things are just not meant to be no matter how much we want them. Ah well. I'm heading to bed. Sleep it off, eh? Thanks for talking tonight. I do appreciate it.
Author amgine Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 amgine, I don't think its about forgetting that person, but having read some of the pain that some of us has gone through, its more about taking measures for self preservations. You don't have to avoid this person, but I think it would be wise to tell him that flirting with you is not acceptable behaviour given his being married and that his behaviour would not be viewed favourably by his wife. Trust me, you don't want to go down this road... it leads to a lot of pain and you'll wonder why you travelled it to begin with. Good luck! I've just woken up (England) was quite surprised at the number of responses, thank you for all that did. Movinon don't worry it does help to read others stories, a lot of it does ring through when i do try to "get over him" he just seems to find a way to get back under my skin. Zarathustra thank you too, (back to finish reading this thread. I'll come back and post more later. As soon i'll have to get ready for work.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Amgine, Okay, well I've just woken up and my head is clear of the confusion for now. See what a rollercoaster it is? As for you, you work and live near him. I was practically branded the whore of the town! If anything ever started and then the W found out, think about what would happen. Where would you go amongst all these people who would know? Please read up on other threads in this section and you will see the heartache that comes from 99.9% of these As. You can back away now before it gets to the point where you and he are out of control. If he confronts you, just make it clear that he is M and you don't want to go down that path. Then find someone else. Its not too late to make the right choice.
Author amgine Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 zarathustra Thank you anyone i've asked before in the virtual world have said that only total avoidance is the way forward, not always pratical. But what you say makes a great deal of sense. movinon05 That's the one dread i have, if anything was to happen people i know people he knows would have these opinions about me. I'm even on very friendly terms with his work friends, and there they would have these opinions too.
Author amgine Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Does he realize how you feel about him? Does he feel the same way about you? If the answer is no, then maybe you need to let him know to lay off the flirting because you are taking it seriously. Some men are natural flirts. Some men like to flirt to get attention. It doesn’t sound as if you two are communicating much and so I would think the answer is no. Lots of times you like someone, and feel that you are in love with them, but until you actually spend quality time with them, see how they react to specific scenarios, have the shared intimacy, etc., you can’t really love them. You don’t know them enough to love them. However, if the answer is yes then you he needs to decide if he is going to leave his marriage, or stay in it. If he says he is going to leave, then wait for him to leave before going any further. Read up on all the OW posts on how they feel while they wait ... it isn’t a pretty picture and they have to deal with a lot of crap dished out by the MM. If he feels about you the same way you feel about him, and he says he isn’t going to leave, then he isn’t worth your time and you need to move on. Go out and date ... find someone who isn’t attached and it will be easier to keep him out of your mind. Does he feel the same way about me? Never asked him so can't be 100% certain but i feel he does. Just by the looks he's given me, gestures he's made like giving me free food from where he works (talking of £2/3) allowing me in when the place was closed to pick my lunch. Questions he's asked, like do i live alone? This is from someone who is a mere acquaintance. Is this really normal. He has touched me to strokes on my arm and back squeezing my shoulder We have talked too used to walk into work together occassionally if starting at the same time where at times i felt he would hang around just to walk with me, sitting with me on the train i could go on. Or would it be just one big coincidence. Maybe he does have these feelings for me but hasn't actually crossed the line due to the fact he is married and maybe he is a good man. Maybe i'm just naive about the whole incident Question is where is this big line that people go on about.
Meaplus3 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Wondering if anyone is in the same boat. In love with a man who you can't have ie. A MM. How do you cope? Nothing has happened. Due to the community in which we both live and work, literally round the corner from each other. Cannot completely avoid one another. wish i could forget him but he's still in my head. Thing is he continues to flirt with me there was been recently a bit more eye contact, locking eyes and winking. Oh yeah, I am right there with ya. I don't know for sure if I am in love with him, but definite lust for sure. The MM lives very close to me and I can not completely avoid him either. I do realize that I need to get over him because I don't think he has all the emotion's about me as I have for him. He claim's he care's and like's me but I think it would be just about the sex for him. I have been trying so hard to walk away and each day I feel a different way about the situation. I too am trying to move on and forget and it's very difficult. Good luck to you!
Author amgine Posted May 13, 2006 Author Posted May 13, 2006 Answerplease37 I agree, can't tell if its love i feel or lust, one or the other but its like theres this magnet between us, try to forget try to avoid him, but equally disappointed if i don't see him how totally crazy is that? But on the other hand i have to keep telling myself that nothing can ever come of this. That is hard too. Good luck to you too.
Author amgine Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 I keep telling myself that yes maybe he fancies me but is a good man and will never treat and will stay loyal to his wife. Because one the the flirting on his part can be very intense. Then another day we could be having a normal conversation and its like we are just friends. Now a job opening has appeared where i work i just happened to mention it casually in conversation wasn't prepared for what happened next. He asked me if i could find out how to apply for this vacancy, i thought he was joking, but he seemed deadly serious. Now the odds of him getting the job are small, i mean they will be loads of applicants but what if he gets the job. But then maybe i'm thinking too much again.
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