amgine Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Wondering if anyone is in the same boat. In love with a man who you can't have ie. A MM. How do you cope? Nothing has happened. Due to the community in which we both live and work, literally round the corner from each other. Cannot completely avoid one another. wish i could forget him but he's still in my head. Thing is he continues to flirt with me there was been recently a bit more eye contact, locking eyes and winking.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Does he realize how you feel about him? Does he feel the same way about you? If the answer is no, then maybe you need to let him know to lay off the flirting because you are taking it seriously. Some men are natural flirts. Some men like to flirt to get attention. It doesn’t sound as if you two are communicating much and so I would think the answer is no. Lots of times you like someone, and feel that you are in love with them, but until you actually spend quality time with them, see how they react to specific scenarios, have the shared intimacy, etc., you can’t really love them. You don’t know them enough to love them. However, if the answer is yes then you he needs to decide if he is going to leave his marriage, or stay in it. If he says he is going to leave, then wait for him to leave before going any further. Read up on all the OW posts on how they feel while they wait ... it isn’t a pretty picture and they have to deal with a lot of crap dished out by the MM. If he feels about you the same way you feel about him, and he says he isn’t going to leave, then he isn’t worth your time and you need to move on. Go out and date ... find someone who isn’t attached and it will be easier to keep him out of your mind.
movinon05 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 My A started in exactly this same way. Small town, social gatherings all the time. He used to tease me. I had no idea it was flirting though. I thought about him a lot but had no idea he was really feeling anything for me. Til one fateful night when we both revealed that we felt something , but not knowing what it was, and stepped over that line. That led to a 7 year nightmare. Please go find someone available. You won't regret it.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 My A started in exactly this same way. Small town, social gatherings all the time. He used to tease me. I had no idea it was flirting though. I thought about him a lot but had no idea he was really feeling anything for me. Til one fateful night when we both revealed that we felt something , but not knowing what it was, and stepped over that line. That led to a 7 year nightmare. Please go find someone available. You won't regret it. Movinon05, One night was what started this for me, too. We didn't have sex, only some kissing (we are both very shy.) Of course it was when we admitting having feelings for each other... so this is where I am now. 5 months of NC. It is soooooooo hard to live now. I have everything I can ever need... except for the ONE man that I want. And I find it hard to go on... ridiculous, isn't it??
movinon05 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Hard to go on is the operative phrase. I was doing fine with NC, but he is worming his way back in my life and I still haven't seen him for 16 months. And now, he has sent me a message through my friend. So I am very down right now. NC is the only way I know to get on. This is really hurting.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Hard to go on is the operative phrase. I was doing fine with NC, but he is worming his way back in my life and I still haven't seen him for 16 months. And now, he has sent me a message through my friend. So I am very down right now. NC is the only way I know to get on. This is really hurting. Please enlighten me; I find your decision for NC confusing. You want to go NC... you are single and he is separating.. so why is it so hard? Do you want to be with him or not?
movinon05 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Please enlighten me; I find your decision for NC confusing. You want to go NC... you are single and he is separating.. so why is it so hard? Do you want to be with him or not? No, you've got it all wrong. I am divorced, he is still married. He started NC 16 months ago without telling me. His last words to me were that he was leaving his W the day after new years of 2006 and I heard nothing after that. I moved on, and now he has been dropping gifts off at my house and my work and I still haven't seen him. And now I have a message from him. That's why I say its better to have NC. I've never broken it. But he is doing so now for the past two months - without me seeing him or talking to him. And its having an effect on me that I was not expecting. And I don't like it.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 No, you've got it all wrong. I am divorced, he is still married. He started NC 16 months ago without telling me. His last words to me were that he was leaving his W the day after new years of 2006 and I heard nothing after that. I moved on, and now he has been dropping gifts off at my house and my work and I still haven't seen him. And now I have a message from him. That's why I say its better to have NC. I've never broken it. But he is doing so now for the past two months - without me seeing him or talking to him. And its having an effect on me that I was not expecting. And I don't like it. I got it, I did! What I was asking - perphaps I was not clear - is why you are rejecting him. But reading this, you are probably angry at him for leaving you out to 'dry', so to speak. The reason that I was asking was because I feel your conflict. i feel that you have feelings for him... yet the struggle to keep him on NC! So I wanted to know why. (I was hoping that I could help you sort out your feelings. I did not mean to annoy you.)
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I got it, I did! What I was asking - perphaps I was not clear - is why you are rejecting him. But reading this, you are probably angry at him for leaving you out to 'dry', so to speak. The reason that I was asking was because I feel your conflict. i feel that you have feelings for him... yet the struggle to keep him on NC! So I wanted to know why. (I was hoping that I could help you sort out your feelings. I did not mean to annoy you.) You did not annoy me. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I figured you were just confused with my situation. Why am I rejecting him? Well I can't very well call him and tell him to leave me alone without upsetting the apple cart in his home. I don't know where he's working. I haven't seen or heard from him all this time until recently. I am not in control of when or where he chooses to contact me. And I am just Hurting! This was his first attempt to send me a verbal message through a friend, and it is literally crushing me. I'm sorry, I'm getting very emotional writing this. Oh and by the way, it was 2005, not 2006.
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 We are here to help you pick yourself up MovinOn. Keep talking to us. We are here.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 You did not annoy me. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I figured you were just confused with my situation. Why am I rejecting him? Well I can't very well call him and tell him to leave me alone without upsetting the apple cart in his home. I don't know where he's working. I haven't seen or heard from him all this time until recently. I am not in control of when or where he chooses to contact me. And I am just Hurting! This was his first attempt to send me a verbal message through a friend, and it is literally crushing me. I'm sorry, I'm getting very emotional writing this. Oh and by the way, it was 2005, not 2006. Yes, I figured it was 2005. Are you hurting because of the bad memories? Are you certain that you want nothing to do with him? I am confused, because usually people who are completely 'over' their ex wouldn't be affected by them like you are by him.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 We are here to help you pick yourself up MovinOn. Keep talking to us. We are here. Well, I sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to hide it from my kids, and now its not working. What I want to know is why and when? I want to shout from the rooftops. Why do people continue to selfishly use and abuse for their own gain? And when do you stop paying for it? Yes, I did something wrong and I have atoned for it. I have paid many prices for what I did. And the most important people in my life have forgiven me - my children and my family. And I don't want to hear the crap that guys like PV threw out on that other post. We are people! With real emotions and real feelings!!! And the MMs who keep selfishly jumping back into our lives for whatever their reason is are also ignorant of the fact that WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS AND WE HAVE FEELINGS!!! And I want to know when I will ever stop having to pay for this??? I can't take much more! I've tried. Really, I have. It just never stops. IT NEVER STOPS!!!!
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Yes, I figured it was 2005. Are you hurting because of the bad memories? Are you certain that you want nothing to do with him? I am confused, because usually people who are completely 'over' their ex wouldn't be affected by them like you are by him. Yes, of course I still have feelings for him. And I was burying them all this time and doing so well. And now they're all flooding back. And when you feel like this, you don't even think about the bad stuff, like you should! You just start going down into an abyss.
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I wish we could all be close to each other so we could have a "girl's night" and just let it all out. All the rage, pain, disgust, anger, relief....you name it. The thing is....sometimes these MM are so wrapped up into THEIR OWN feelings that they don't stop to think about what their actions are doing to others. Selfish? Yes. Deliberate? Probably not. It is impossible to control what others do. I have found that out firsthand. It is, however, possible to control how you respond to others. Don't let him take you down. I know you care about him, and that is okay. Just shows that you are human and love is not easily forgotten even though it is probably best if it was. Wounds have been reopened. And, that hurts. Draw on your strength, your kids, your family, and us to help you through this dark moment in your life. I don't know if you are religious or not. But this seems to comfort me when life seems out of control.... Sometimes God calms the storm when His children rage.... And sometimes God calms the child and lets the storm rage. You are in a storm. I pray that God will calm you in your time of need. WA
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Yes, of course I still have feelings for him. Would you take him back if he divorced his wife? Under what circumstances would you take him back? Movinon, you are a strong woman. We all know that here, so you can't deny that fact. You have to answer these questions honestly... maybe the answers will help guide you your next steps. As for me, I know that I can never be with my MM. I feel that he does love me - we have a lot in common. However, we'd be very selfish if we were to pursue this affair, and neither of us want to hurt our families. Though I miss him, and I have butterflies in my stomach everytime I hear his name or think about him, I quickly answer my own questions. The answer for me is: 'No, I will never be married to him... partly because I am afraid of what the reality with him would be like.' Is that the case with you, too?
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I wish we could all be close to each other so we could have a "girl's night" and just let it all out. All the rage, pain, disgust, anger, relief....you name it. The thing is....sometimes these MM are so wrapped up into THEIR OWN feelings that they don't stop to think about what their actions are doing to others. Selfish? Yes. Deliberate? Probably not. It is impossible to control what others do. I have found that out firsthand. It is, however, possible to control how you respond to others. Don't let him take you down. I know you care about him, and that is okay. Just shows that you are human and love is not easily forgotten even though it is probably best if it was. Wounds have been reopened. And, that hurts. Draw on your strength, your kids, your family, and us to help you through this dark moment in your life. I don't know if you are religious or not. But this seems to comfort me when life seems out of control.... Sometimes God calms the storm when His children rage.... And sometimes God calms the child and lets the storm rage. You are in a storm. I pray that God will calm you in your time of need. WA Oh Hugs! You just reminded me of that song "You'll Never Walk Alone!" (Keep your eye on your mail). I could really use that right now. I just didn't think I would need it this soon. You know, if he didn't keep leaving me without a goodbye, maybe I'd be able to handle this better. If he ever told me what the hell he is doing, maybe I'd be able to handle this better. If I ever got the chance to tell him how I'm feeling or how I have felt about all of this, maybe I'd feel better. Maybe if I had ever gotten the chance to say goodbye!!! But I am stifled and I can't let it out and punch his chest with all the anger and emotion I'm feeling right now. If he would just stop putting his little toe in the water and feeding me little bits of I don't know what, maybe I could handle this. This is like slow torture and mind games. And its so damn frustrating.!
Walking away Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I think when you really, really give up hope...THAT is when the healing begins. It seems that MovinOn had given up hope on this MM 16 months ago when he started NC with her. Now, it appears that the hope has been rekindled with his gifts of furniture and roses.... And, hope is a painful thing when there are no actions to back it. Am I right MovinOn?
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Would you take him back if he divorced his wife? Under what circumstances would you take him back? Movinon, you are a strong woman. We all know that here, so you can't deny that fact. You have to answer these questions honestly... maybe the answers will help guide you your next steps. As for me, I know that I can never be with my MM. I feel that he does love me - we have a lot in common. However, we'd be very selfish if we were to pursue this affair, and neither of us want to hurt our families. Though I miss him, and I have butterflies in my stomach everytime I hear his name or think about him, I quickly answer my own questions. The answer for me is: 'No, I will never be married to him... partly because I am afraid of what the reality with him would be like.' Is that the case with you, too? I'm sorry, I missed your post. Okay here's as honest as I can get. I love him with all my heart. If he got divorced, I would want to marry him. Here's the reality: My kids absolutely hate him. His kids absolutely hate me. He'd probably lose his daughter - but his son would come around. His W would still try to make our lives hell. I don't know that I could ever trust him again without A LOT of work. My family would be so disappointed in me. He would have to get over the truth that I have dated and had a sexual relationship. He is extremely jealous. I don't know that he could do that and I would not go into the relationship without being totally up front with him because I could not possibly live a lie and not have him deal with the reality. I'm living in a dream world. I don't know how we could ever make it. And I was so strong. I didn't think I could falter. That is why the NC was so important for my well being to get through this. And now its all come rushing back to slap me in the face again and turn my world upside down. And that's the truth. I'm feeling like a failure again. And I can't get over how he affects me like this.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I think when you really, really give up hope...THAT is when the healing begins. It seems that MovinOn had given up hope on this MM 16 months ago when he started NC with her. Now, it appears that the hope has been rekindled with his gifts of furniture and roses.... And, hope is a painful thing when there are no actions to back it. Am I right MovinOn? Sorry, if I sound like such a dud! Yes, WA, it makes sense to me now. Thanks for clarifying it. I have only been with one man my whole life. So when it comes to relationships, I can be quite naive. Since I've established NC with my MM, we have not contacted each other and I truly believe that the NC will stay. On most days, I have no hope of him leaving his wife for me... because honestly, I am afraid of doing the same thing. Then, there are days when I am a complete mess. I want to be selfish and indulge in my own needs... so I'd want to contact him. But so far, I have been really good and have kept the NC strong and steady. Movin on, my best tactic so far has been 'inaction'. When the impulse to do something rash hits, I'd log into LS, instead of acting out the impulse. (That's why I've been here so often lately. )
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Movin on, my best tactic so far has been 'inaction'. When the impulse to do something rash hits, I'd log into LS, instead of acting out the impulse. (That's why I've been here so often lately. ) But I haven't done anything rash. I always think things through before I act. It took me a week to decide to put those tables back on his lawn. And now I know for sure he got them, but it STILL didn't stop him. And I threw the flowers away. I'm not the one doing anything. He is.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I think when you really, really give up hope...THAT is when the healing begins. It seems that MovinOn had given up hope on this MM 16 months ago when he started NC with her. Now, it appears that the hope has been rekindled with his gifts of furniture and roses.... And, hope is a painful thing when there are no actions to back it. Am I right MovinOn? You are absolutely 100% right. But I think it also hurts knowing he still loves me. I think it would have been easier believing that he had lost the love.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 But I haven't done anything rash. I always think things through before I act. It took me a week to decide to put those tables back on his lawn. And now I know for sure he got them, but it STILL didn't stop him. And I threw the flowers away. I'm not the one doing anything. He is. I meant emotionally... like crying. I am sorry, I am not making any sense today!! :mad at myself: Actually, I'm tired... but I don't want to go to bed. You did good... really, you are. You think that you can control your emotions as well? I have recently begun to control my outward emtional state (never mind what I really feel like on the inside). It is not perfected yet... but it is a skill I am determine to work on. Well, I am suggesting this because I figured that one day, you will be face to face with him. And it will be very important how you compose yourself infront of him - especially on the first encounter. That's what I'm practicing on.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I meant emotionally... like crying. I am sorry, I am not making any sense today!! :mad at myself: Actually, I'm tired... but I don't want to go to bed. You did good... really, you are. You think that you can control your emotions as well? I have recently begun to control my outward emtional state (never mind what I really feel like on the inside). It is not perfected yet... but it is a skill I am determine to work on. Well, I am suggesting this because I figured that one day, you will be face to face with him. And it will be very important how you compose yourself infront of him - especially on the first encounter. That's what I'm practicing on. Oh I have been practicing. But when I heard what he had to say today, it just ate away at me because ... well, among other things, he said: "Tell (me) that I had another catheterization and the doctor said I have to have as little stress as possible." That just leaves me with a thousand questions which I will not even bother to list!! I'm going to try to find out more from my girlfriend to see exactly what else he said. I know they had more of a conversation. I never wanted to ever have a face to face again. But if this keeps up, its going to happen sooner or later and I don't know what he is going to say or do. So I now have to put another scenario in my mind of how I will handle it.
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 And btw, to the OP Amgine, I'm sorry this thread got TJ'd. Perhaps if you have read all of it it will be enough to scare you away. I do hope so.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 "Tell (me) that I had another catheterization and the doctor said I have to have as little stress as possible." Huh?? You know he's playing with your emotions here. Catherization??? Does he mean he needs a stent for his heart disease? Or is he having a blocked urethra? Anyhow, you know that he's trying to be manipulative here, don't you? "as little stress as possible"... geez... what's that supposed to mean? I don't know about you but that makes me quite angry! My husband is very manipulative and would play on my guilt to get what he wants and your MM reminds me of him during his worst days!
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