really struggling

[angel583]

Hi,

I've just split up from a guy i was seeing for about 6 months (doesn't sound long i know). We didn't split because we don't like eachother there are just a few factors that have made things really hard on us. He has had a lot of hassle from his ex (who never knew about me) and says he just needed some time to get his head straight but that he did want to be with me and still does.

 

The thing is it had been this way since about 2 months into our relationship, i tried really hard to be supportive, i gave him space and left it down to him when we saw eachother so i didn't put on too much pressure. I thought things would get better with time but they just seemed to get worse and i was seeing him less and less.

 

Eventually this week i told him that i thought it was best that we just left it because there was still so much going on with him and he wouldn't even talk to me about it anymore and let me at least try and help like he used to.

 

But the other night we were messaging, he was being like he used to be, really sweet. very open and he ended up coming over. I'm now finding it really hard to stay apart from him and don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to get hurt but also don't know if i should just give him some more time to sort himself out.

 

Please help!

[basscatcher]

sweetie, read my threads about Mr. Landscaper (Charlie). You might get some insight and maybe some of the fellow LS posters insight will help you a bit.

I see some similairities with your story. Some...

[angel583]

Thank you, i have read some of your threads and will continue to read them, i'm still finding this situation really hard. He has never asked me to wait around around for him and he generally admits that he feels bad all the time about the situation and wishes he had met me with a clear head. I just don't know what to make of it sometimes.

 

But thank you for your advice.

[basscatcher]

Charlie didn't give himself time to heal and let go of his previous relationship. I was actually the day after he broke it off with her.

 

He was involved with me while carrying feelings for her.

He lied about it and had me caught in his web by the time the truth came out.

 

6-7 months with him and he still doesn't know how he feels about me or what he wants. He says he doesn't even know who he is.

 

He finally accepted last night that I'm not happy and he can't give me what I need to feel happy and fullfilled enough to want the relationship.

(I've been trying to tell him this for 2 1/2 months!!)

 

I was in denial for awhle too. I didn't want to let go.l (this is where you are at.) You know your gutt is telling you too move ahead and distance yourself but you are carrying hope he will come around and snap out of it.

 

I am still reeling in my conversation from last night; I think I'm in awe, shock, disbelief, disappointment, some-what hurt, confused, elated, happy, sad, joyful, about it all.

 

You need to take time for you and figure out the negatives and possitives like I did and live off them every day until you come to a conclusion. NO one can make you do what is best for you. You have to figure it out yourself. Your timing is your time when decieding what to do... NO one elses. You know what your gutt is telling you. You just need to listen. accept and move when your ready...

[angel583]

I get everything you are saying. He had only split with his ex 2 weeks prior to meeting me and he is always telling me that he can't give me what i deserve.

 

I am in the place of hope, everyday i hope he is going to see sense and i know it's not going to happen. I've just got to take one day at a time and seperate myself, it is hard but it is what i need to do.

[basscatcher]

I

I am in the place of hope, everyday i hope he is going to see sense and i know it's not going to happen. I've just got to take one day at a time and seperate myself, it is hard but it is what i need to do.

You are exactly where I was during my process in the past 2 1/2 months.

I started to really seperate myself when he 'took' time for himself without warning me... That spun me into rebellion which lead me into time for me and ultimately merged into putting him off and finally now. .. It is liberating with subtle undertones of hurt.

 

It is best and I know it.. Charlie wasn't ready for me, he isn't ready for anyone new either. He is still tossed because of his past.

I don't need to punish myself and sacrafice my happiness waiting for him.

I had a dear friend email me today this:

 

I said:

Gawsh I feel scared...

in my email to him.

His reply was:

What is fear to you?

 

Is it fear of being alone? Fear of preparing yourself for a new relationship? Fear of men?

 

Fear is not necessarily a bad thing, and it's certainly different from fright.

 

Fright is the kind of thing you may feel when you go to a horror movie. You may get the rapid heart rate and the squirt of adrenalin, but it doesn't last long.

 

Fear is different, though. Fear tends to arise when you, or one you love, is in some real danger. Dry mouth, sweaty palms, maybe a sense of detachment, a leaden feeling in the belly, paying attention to peculiarly irrelevant details, all are some signs of fear.

 

Fright can give us a short, sharp shock, and a very real sense of being alive. And fright can morph into fear, but usually fright remains on the surface.

 

Fear invades our bodies, our minds, our souls.

 

Now, without fear we'd end up trying to cross a busy highway, or spend our entire paycheck on lottery tickets. So fear has a place.

 

So, with all that said, you, my beautiful Pada, have really nothing to fear. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't real - they most certainly are - but they are lying to you.

 

Feelings do that. It's very common. That's why the battered wife stays with her husband, because she still feels love for him.

 

You are one of those very fortunate people who will never hunger for male attention. You are extraordinarily beautiful, witty and have a really good way with people.

 

Have you considered taking some time for yourself, and purposefully refuse to get involved with anyone for, say, six months? You may find that after such a time, you'll be far more balanced and ready for a relationship.

 

 

You can take what you will from his words of wisdom. He is a member of LS and is very insightful...

[angel583]

i can see why he is a dear friend. His words are very insightful and make a lot of sense.

 

Thankyou for all of your advice tonight, you are a lovely lady and i appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

 

Angel

[basscatcher]

Hope I gave you some peace and comfort.

Sometimes there isn't anything anyone can DO to make things better.

Sometimes all it takes to settle your nerves is someone who understands and can feel you.

 

I hope I was able to provide the latter.

WWIU, A_C, Walk, Roi and several others have given me many words of understanding. Others were speaking truth but not in the words I was able to accept at the time because they were too direct and I felt they were like a knife cutting into me.

I do understand your turmoil. You know what you can handle as long as you don't put your head so deep in the sand you can't get it out..

 

You too will get through your situation intact and stronger. It's hard I know to believe you will ever be free of what you feel now. You will be free of the weight, the burden, the sadness, the despair, the disappointment, EVEN the unrelentless hope..... I have so much hope and faith in people waking-up, opening their eyes, growing, realizing ---such and such that I linger too long in my despair.

 

I am just now moving forward on truly accepting Charlie and I are over. I am licking my wounds now and relaxing from the drama.. I won't fool myself because I know days will come where I miss him like crazy. I will stand strong in what I know which is:

Charlie can't love me because he isn't whole...

 

Your man is like Charlie...

 

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

[MadDog]

He had only split with his ex 2 weeks prior to meeting me and he is always telling me that he can't give me what i deserve.

 

That's why I always try to figure out how long it's been since the last time the person I'm dating was in a relationship. Generally anything more than 3 months is good while 1-2 months is in the gray zone and anything less than a month is bad. 2 weeks is definately not long enough.

 

It also depends on who did the breaking up. Generally, if the person was the one to break it off, then less time is required.

[angel583]

Oh my god, cannot believe what has happened today.

The guy i was talking about, well i found out today that he is actually back with his ex and has been for some time. Which obviously means he was seeing me at the same time.

I can't believe he didn't even tell me. I had told him before that if he wanted to go back to her then i would respect his decision and he always told me he would never go back because he knew it wouldn't work and he would just be unhappy.

 

I feel like such an idiot. He is always going on about how honest he wanted us to be and now he has done this. i really thought i was getting somewhere yesterday and now i'm just back to square one. i feel devistated .

[basscatcher]

He was confused.

He wanted to walk away from her and was trying to convince himself he could move on with you.

 

He was lying to himself which in turn created him lying to you.

I think he wanted to believe he wanted to be honest with you and move forward with you but his past caught up to him and his feelings he harbored for his X connected him with her again.

 

Walk away and heal yourself.

This isn't totally your fault.

The only fault (if any) is the fact you put too much hope in it knowing he recently got out of another relationship.

It is mostly his fault for lying to himself which caused him to lie to you.

You ae worth more then he can afford...

You don't need a man like that.

 

I had a man that gave me everything for 6 months. EVERYTHING. The relationship couldn't have been more perfect and then he walked out on me and went back to his X. He tells me still to this day he made a mistake leaving me but I wont take him back and he knows it so he is doing what he is doing... I won't be burnt twice and twice as bad.

 

You can join me in my boat and we will keep ourselves afloat so we don't sink and drown ourselves...

[angel583]

i just feel so gutted. i'm soo angry with myself for letting this happen. i feel stupid and used.

 

When i told him i knew he said he thought i knew and he never made any implications they were together. He told me he still cares about me and keeps asking me to call him but i won't. i don't think i ever want to see him again. It's like everything he ever said was bulls***. This is the second time somethinglike this has happened to me, i just want to give up.

[basscatcher]

i just feel so gutted. i'm soo angry with myself for letting this happen. i feel stupid and used.

 

When i told him i knew he said he thought i knew and he never made any implications they were together. He told me he still cares about me and keeps asking me to call him but i won't. i don't think i ever want to see him again. It's like everything he ever said was bulls***. This is the second time somethinglike this has happened to me, i just want to give up.

 

For starters dont put yourself down.

You need to stop the negative self degrading talk.

It's not good, its not healthy and its not true..

I don't have to know you personally to know you.

I percieve you to have a heart much like mine.

 

He is the broken one.

He is the one at fault. All you wanted was to love him and him love you back.

You shouldn't feel stupid or angry at yourself. You are not the blame... He is the one who chose to have you in his life while he was figuring out how to deal with the X.

He is messed up and you don't need or want a man like that.

 

You don't have to call him. He made his choice. Now don't make yourself a doormat for his use. If you keep in contact with him you will be his safety net to use when he is not getting what he wants from the other woman.

 

Cut him out of your life or you will be caught in his web.. Move forward don't be held back.

 

Its your choice now. There is opportunitites out there for you that will come when the time is right.

You need to mend your heart and your head. You need to reprogram yourself for you and not for you and him as a couple.

 

Don't let him use you now.....Learn this lesson.

 

(((((HUGS))))))))))

[angel583]

Thank you, good advice as always.

I know i can get through and you're right it was mainly his doing just a really bad day.

 

Just makes me think thou why it always has to be so complicated. Would be nice to just meet someone and it be simple But hey i guess these things are sent to test us.

 

It just annoys me that i've wasted my time because i had met some really nice people but i always waited to see what was going to happen with this guy, shouldn't have bothered.

 

Aswell, i'm a really honest person and he knew that and it just makes me sad that people can't repay the same thing. Maybe i'm asking to much thou??

[basscatcher]

Thank you, good advice as always.

I know i can get through and you're right it was mainly his doing just a really bad day.

Usually when I'm having a really bad day I am tired. If I take a nap I will wake up feeling better. If I am able.. Otherwise I am unbalanced all day until I can go to bed. I haven't figured out how to get out of a funk like that.

 

Just makes me think thou why it always has to be so complicated. Would be nice to just meet someone and it be simple But hey i guess these things are sent to test us.

My dear its not so much tests as much as it is learning lessons.

Everything we encounter has lessons.

You need to figure out what lesson there is for this guy to come into your life. Ask yourself Why? What did I learn? What did I get out of it? What did I give into it that helped him?

Sometimes its big things other times it very small things.

Either way its for life..

 

It just annoys me that i've wasted my time because i had met some really nice people but i always waited to see what was going to happen with this guy, shouldn't have bothered.

 

Sweetie, again.... I may feel like a waste of your time but I know you either gave or/and you recieved from this relationship a lesson for the future.. Don't toss away what has been. Accept it and take it as yours..

 

Aswell, i'm a really honest person and he knew that and it just makes me sad that people can't repay the same thing. Maybe i'm asking to much thou??

People are attracted to honest people. Don't doubt he wasn't attracted to you because he was or he woudn't have connected with you at all.

You may have been a comfort to him when he felt like his life was spinning out of control. Maybe for you looking at his situation you may now know what you don't want in a man.. Indecisiveness, a man who doesn't know himself or what he wants.

 

There is something to everything that we can learn from. Don't reject or deny a failure just because you didn't succeed. Accept it. Learn from it. Use it.

 

Make the negative a possitive. (this is what I am working on with myself.)