kitten chick Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 ***Open for discussion*** Something I've noticed on the board, and I'm guilty of as well, is separating the person that you're dating from the way they treat you. ...he's such a great guy but he treats me like crap syndrome.... ....she's such a great girl but she flirts with every guy in sight syndrome.... I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios but many of us are guilty of staying with someone who doesn't treat us particularly well but we still see as a good person. Why do we do that?
kitten chick Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 not very insightful but good answer none the less.
KittenMoon Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I have the "he's a great guy but doesn't grasp the concept and/or work involved in long-term in-depth personal relationships whether romantic or platonic" syndrome. :laugh:
Adunaphel Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I am *so* glad you started such a thread. Im my case it is that I tend to assume that if someone(not necessarily my bf) treats me badly, but looks like a great guy otherwise, it must be because of something wrong I did/say. I tend to believe that if some other girl was in my place, she'd be treated differently. I so hope I am wrong. It's harder when eveyone else seems to think that he is a okay person and a nice guy.
catgirl1927 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I think it's because so often we don't see people as they are but as we want them to be.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I've noticed this too. I think people know whenever they are being done wrong, but try to find all the other good stuff hoping maybe we will say, "Well, thats bad that he cheated on you, but hey, you said he goes to church once a month and donates money to the firefighters annually. I think this one is a keeper!!" I have no idea why people do this
a4a Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Because the person can be overall great but not meet your expectations or respect your personal boundaries or what you deem appropriate behavior to satisfy your desires or expected treatment of you. So you take a look at the person without attaching the above to it. Some will continue in a R with a person that does not fulfill all of their requirements/expectations (settling). Funny thing is I do see quite a bit of advice telling people not to have expectations of others, that they should not attempt to change the person they are with just change their own expectations. IMHO all though that may sustain a R for a bit in the long run it/R will eventually fail. Barring of course expectations are not way out of line of your partner. Did I just babble all of that out? where is my coffee??
Adunaphel Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I forgot to say that if the person treated you nicely at first, it's easier to think that it *must*be your fault if he changed.
tallbrunettmom Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 We do it especially when it's us involved in the relationship because we don't want to admit that we feel bad about ourselves in some way to let this person make us feel even worse. We all should look into what and who we are to understand why we let ourselves get into these unhealthy relationships. To admit that they are terribly wrong is to admit that we permit and facilitate their behavior towards us.
brashgal Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 All people have bad and good in them - we tend to forget the bad and remember the good. I like my exh again now, he can be a great guy as long as you aren't having to deal with him on a personal level.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Im my case it is that I tend to assume that if someone(not necessarily my bf) treats me badly, but looks like a great guy otherwise, it must be because of something wrong I did/say. That is being manipulated I tend to believe that if some other girl was in my place, she'd be treated differently. As long as you do you very best to be considerate and respectful in a relationship (wether friendship, marriage...) then you shouldn't let yourself feel this way. It's harder when eveyone else seems to think that he is a okay person and a nice guy. That is because they arn't in your position. Especially w/a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Even a friendship. I have a friend I've been close to since we were both 5 yrs old. Everyone thinks she is the sweetest person ever, and she has hurt me so bad. If I told people what she did they would all stick up for her and tell me I am the bad friend
alphamale Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 not very insightful but good answer none the less. let me elaborate K_C....when one gets emotionally involved with someone they tend to be less objective about that person.
tanbark813 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 People will put up with a lot when they're getting good head.
a4a Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 People will put up with a lot when they're getting good head. or bling and camels
alphamale Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 People will put up with a lot when they're getting good head. I would agree to a certain extent, especially when young. Nowadays even if I'm getting good sex but I hate the woman the vagina's attached to, I won't stick around too long, maybe a few months at most.
basscatcher Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I see the good in people.. That is my focus. I put my head in the sand like a osterich to the negatives. I can make a lot of noise about it though. I have too much faith and hope in people. That leads me to be too forgiving and nice. I'm a helper and a fixer also so leads me to the stuggle also staying with someone longer then I should...
kitten chick Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 It seems I have come back to some interesting answers. It doesn't seem like there's any real consensus...I guess we all have our own reasons.
Pyro Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 ***Open for discussion*** Something I've noticed on the board, and I'm guilty of as well, is separating the person that you're dating from the way they treat you. ...he's such a great guy but he treats me like crap syndrome.... ....she's such a great girl but she flirts with every guy in sight syndrome.... I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios but many of us are guilty of staying with someone who doesn't treat us particularly well but we still see as a good person. Why do we do that? IMO, I think that we tend to do that because we become dependent upon the other in everyway. We become so dependent and use to having the other in our lives, that we can't bear the thought of not being with the other person. Usually by the time that this were to happen, we have grown such deep feelings for the other, so we see them as a good person. The only solution is to not become dependent on having a relationship.
a4a Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 The only solution is to not become dependent on having a relationship. Amen Brother Riddler... Glory Bee!
alphamale Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 The only solution is to not become dependent on having a relationship. so then everyone who's married should get divorced? wTF!
a4a Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 so then everyone who's married should get divorced? wTF! married or dating or whatever does not mean that you live eat and suck up oxygen only to be in the relationship. Hell you know that! Mr. 6 month time limit and leave her hanging
Pyro Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 so then everyone who's married should get divorced? wTF! I said relationships, not marriages. First off, you shouldn't get married if you have these feelings mentioned by the OP. If these feelings occur after marriage, then i would suggest a marriage counselor of some sort, or have a serious discussion with you S.O.
alphamale Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Mr. 6 month time limit and leave her hanging I hope someday, a4a, that you vomit up your own stool I said relationships, not marriages. I thought marriage was just a relationship that was legalized and legitimized by the church, state and society.
Pyro Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I hope someday, a4a, that you vomit up your own stool I thought marriage was just a relationship that was legalized and legitimized by the church, state and society. Marriage is a type of relationship, but the one that I am referring is the type where you are not married, just in a committed relationship.
Recommended Posts