What is an Emotional affair? How does it start? When to know you're in one???

[Love_Affair_EA]

I just want to know what an emotional affair is all about... I think I might be in one but not sure. How do these start?

 

I have been talking to a man for about a year now. We work together. We started out just emailing here and there usually was once every few weeks or months. Now it is everyday - numerous times a day sometimes. Just talking... nothing sexual. Compliments here and there. But nothing sexual.

 

He had asked me out for drinks a few months back but we never acted on it. Now he has brought it up again and wants work something out one night. His email clearly said "whatever 'night' you can go out". I gave him my cell phone number today... but he didn't ask for it... I just gave it to him just in case he wanted to call and make a plan to go out.

 

The thing is that I just found out he is married. This has been a very gradually slow type of affair... now he has really been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder at times if he thinks about me. We definately do have a "connection" to one another. The way he looks at me. When he talks to me he looks right into my eyes. His face is so open... he makes me feel comfortable.... but I do get nervous around him because I like him so much. He said that he emails me because that's the only way he can talk to me because we hardly see each other anymore.

 

We haven't acted out on anything... we've never even shook hands before. But i think I know how he feels just from the vibes he gives me.

 

How do I know that the line has been crossed? Can I still go further... maybe have a drink with him without going over the line? Is this an affair? How do I know that there has been a transition from "just friends" to "the other woman"??? I need major advice here. Never been in this situation before!

[stillafool]

The thing is that I just found out he is married. This has been a very gradually slow type of affair... now he has really been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder at times if he thinks about me. We definately do have a "connection" to one another. The way he looks at me. When he talks to me he looks right into my eyes. His face is so open... he makes me feel comfortable.... but I do get nervous around him because I like him so much. He said that he emails me because that's the only way he can talk to me because we hardly see each other anymore

.

 

 

The fact that you now know he is married, him giving you the look and wanting to go for drinks on a personal level, you feeling nervous around him because you like him is letting you know things are crossing the line.

 

Do yourself a favor now and "LEAVE HIM ALONE". Be frank and direct about it because if you don't I promise you will regret it. You will end up falling in love with someone you can't have (because they hardly ever leave their wives) and will be used. The fact that he is doing this excessive flirting with you let's me know he's probably done this before. You would be surprised at the lies they tell. If you guys hardly see each other anymore consider yourself lucky and find a single guy.

[Ladyjane14]

How do I know that the line has been crossed?

 

The line is crossed if he's keeping his 'friendship' with you as a secret from his wife or if he's not sharing all the pertinant details with her.

 

I find it difficult to believe that his interest is innocent though. He's been talking to you for a year, and he just now got around to mentioning his wife.

[Walking away]

Run as fast as you can.

 

You do not want to be put on the horrific roller coaster ride of an affair.

 

Take it from those of us who have been there....

 

It is NOT worth it!

[whichwayisup]

I agree with LJ, if his wife doesn't know about you, and he's keeping you a 'secret' then yes, this is dangerous. Also, as long as NO LINES are crossed, and what I mean by that is, there is no sexual flirting, sexual conversation between you two, touching, kissing, groping etc., then all should be fine. I say, if you are comfortable meeting his wife and don't have ANY emotional or physical feelings for him, you're OK. Who knows wtf is going on in his head. And with that being said, DON'T ASK or find out what he thinks or feels. You will 'know' if it's something more, and if that day comes (or has come) walk away because it's not fair to befriend a man who is married and take him for yourself...(Not saying that you'll DO that, but it isn't wise to even 'go' there.) Does he have kids too? Throw that factor in as well...You don't wanna be the OW in his life...Just go read some threads in this section.

[rossm]

I just want to know what an emotional affair is all about... I think I might be in one but not sure. How do these start?

 

I have been talking to a man for about a year now. We work together. We started out just emailing here and there usually was once every few weeks or months. Now it is everyday - numerous times a day sometimes. Just talking... nothing sexual. Compliments here and there. But nothing sexual.

 

He had asked me out for drinks a few months back but we never acted on it. Now he has brought it up again and wants work something out one night. His email clearly said "whatever 'night' you can go out". I gave him my cell phone number today... but he didn't ask for it... I just gave it to him just in case he wanted to call and make a plan to go out.

 

The thing is that I just found out he is married. This has been a very gradually slow type of affair... now he has really been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder at times if he thinks about me. We definately do have a "connection" to one another. The way he looks at me. When he talks to me he looks right into my eyes. His face is so open... he makes me feel comfortable.... but I do get nervous around him because I like him so much. He said that he emails me because that's the only way he can talk to me because we hardly see each other anymore.

 

We haven't acted out on anything... we've never even shook hands before. But i think I know how he feels just from the vibes he gives me.

 

How do I know that the line has been crossed? Can I still go further... maybe have a drink with him without going over the line? Is this an affair? How do I know that there has been a transition from "just friends" to "the other woman"??? I need major advice here. Never been in this situation before!

 

An emotional affair is a secret relationship that involves intimate sharings with some one other than a spouse.

 

Is your situation secret? (sounds like it)

Does it involve intimate sharings? (maybe not yet)

 

It sounds like there is mutual attraction, and that makes it dangerous. Fortunately, you have become aware of the danger before you get sucked in. And it can be very easy to get sucked in, if you are vulnerable.

 

On top of that, you work with this guy. Could you still do that if things go further and then blow up?

 

At a minimum, be VERY CAUTIOUS, but seriously consider WALKING AWAY now. The hurt you feel when it falls apart is not worth it.

[RealityCheck]

I agree with ....

LJ

WA

WWIU

 

If the man is not sharing this situation with his W, he definately has motive.

 

Be very aware of this sort of behavior.

 

WA..."Run as fast as you can"!! your halarious!!

[whichwayisup]

And..Don't spend any alone time with him...Don't put yourself IN a situation where you can't say no and you give into temptation.

 

I really hope you listen to the advice given to you. If you don't, expect alot of emotional turmoil in your life...And I'm not talking about good emotions either.

[Walking away]

Thanks RC! Just call it as I see it....

 

I might be funny, but you and Zara are my champions!

 

You guys ROCK!

 

P.S. Remind me to NEVER piss you two off!

[RealityCheck]

WA.....

 

Piss us off! Are you kidding me!

 

We LOVE you!

 

If we are the Rock, you are the Roll !!!!

 

*hug*

[RealityCheck]

WWIU....

 

How true! Great advice "don't spend time alone with him"

 

*thinks* *Damn that was my first mistake*

[Walking away]

And I LOVE both of you!

 

You, and many others, have been my rock and my fortress.

 

And, when I feel I need a little protection from the big, bad a-holes that post here from time to time, I will call you two!

 

Great to always have you in our corner!

[zarathustra]

And I LOVE both of you!

 

You, and many others, have been my rock and my fortress.

 

And, when I feel I need a little protection from the big, bad a-holes that post here from time to time, I will call you two!

 

Great to always have you in our corner!

 

WA, I love you and RC too!! I love so many here! Thanks so much for steering me straight and making me laugh when I most need it.

 

Love_Affair_EA, with regards to your post... ever see Forest Gump? Remember when Jenny told Forest to run?

 

'Run Forest.... Run!!!!"

[RealityCheck]

Yeah!

 

Click them red slippers......

 

There's no place like home....there's no place like home....

 

Munchin....come with me!

 

*we'll get you courage*

And; a *heart*

Heck! *even a brain*

 

Wizard.....WTF is wrong with you! Don't bother me! It's all there!

You just need to get back to REALITY!

 

*laughing*

[Meaplus3]

The line is crossed if he's keeping his 'friendship' with you as a secret from his wife or if he's not sharing all the pertinant details with her.

 

I find it difficult to believe that his interest is innocent though. He's been talking to you for a year, and he just now got around to mentioning his wife.

 

I agree with ladyjane14 that if he is keeping his"Friendship" with you a secret then the line is crossed! especially if he is talking to you about thing's that he would not want his spouse to hear. I have been in the same boat for month's now and it's hard to walk away. I have let myself get caught up in these deep feeling's of lust for him when I know I can nevr have him. If you can try your best to get out of the situation as quiclky as possible to save your self the heartache. Best of luck.

[CantCutitOff]

That situation sounds similar to how mine started out... and then it got physical.

 

Heed the advice above - don't be alone with him if you want to save yourself an emotional rollercoaster! I'm working on breaking out of that trend myself...

[aktieb0cka]

You are absolutely in one and my advice to you is to run as fast as you can because I am telling you, you are going to be hurting at one point, wishing that you ran.

 

Here is my emotional affair gone bad:

I met MM three years ago at work, briefly. At the time I was 22 and he 25. I was taking by his intelligence thought he was nice and never really thought about him again. I started to deal with him a little bit more and we casually conversed nothing crazy just stupid stuff. I found out he was married and had a son. I was in a committed relationship (and living with) as long as he was married. Over the course of the year we kinda lost touch. Then I find out he was hospitalized with a heart condition. He finally returned to work and I fell horrible that we had lost touch. I tried to remain in contact for the rest of the year and it we lost contact again. Six months later, we had a project to work on. This is when he proceeds to tell me that his marriage is becoming difficult and he didn’t know what to do. I had explained the same issue and we had discussed that counseling would be helpful. He told me that his wife was unresponsive and unwilling to go. I never went either and life went on for another 5 months without contact. I had assumed everything was working well. Right after Thanksgiving I began working with him part time. We had expressed them same issues were still going on and nothing that we were doing was helping. We tried to help each other and listen. Then I had a suspicion that he had crush on me and I started to have a crush for him but never mentioned it. We decided to meet for a Christmas drink and my boyfriend was supposed to meet him. My boyfriend was a no show. MM and I spent an hour together, hugged and wished each other a Merry Christmas. I was sent an email the day after Christmas and it was friendly and just wished me a good holiday. I decided on New Years Eve to send him an email stating that I was glad I had met him, he was such a good friend and I felt we met to late in life. I also told him I understood that nothing could never happen between us because of the obvious. He replied stating he had the same thoughts as well. I decided to meet him a week later, just to discuss with him what had happened. Neither of us mentioned it and we proceeded as normal. I had not seen him for a month and we had this yearly sales meeting. He walked me to my car as we discussed work related stuff, kissed me on the lips got into his car and drove away. I was baffled but never said anything about it again. We continued to work together until one night I was working there answering phones, he was there earlier. He left and never said good bye. I thought it was weird and just blew it off. Then I get a phone call from him who tells me his son wanted to talk to someone and he called me up. I told him he was crazy and that this is not a good idea. I could hear him in the background telling his son what to say. His son is 4. I was devastated because I thought it was improper. One of the ladies at worked started teasing me and him and said we were having an affair. I got so offended. I then called him up the next day at work and told him we need to discuss what happened the night earlier. We met at a local bar and had discussed a lot of stuff but we ultimately decided that we were to stay friends and that was it. I was fine. I when home and woke up to email telling me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. Then I got another email stating that he ripped apart our friendship and that he was so sorry. I was so filled with mixed emotions but I sent him an email telling him how I felt and that we had a lot in common and that I wanted to be with him as well. I never heard from him until 4 days later, we discussed that we would go out with a bunch of people for St Patty’s day. It was all fun and then he started to discuss my email. He told me he didn’t know how to go about being with me and starting a relationship. I told him that it beats me and I wasn’t sure either. He finally asked to kiss me and I looked at him and told him he was crazy. I just hugged him and just rested my head on his chest. Finally, we just kissed and it was the best kiss I ever had. I knew right there that we just screw the whole thing up. He decided to tell one of my co workers that this is it. He was on cloud nine and only wanted to be with me and didn’t know how to go about it. We decided to leave with a bunch of coworkers and drop them off. We then had the discussion of our “plan to be together.” We decided to spend our first and only night together and tell our spouses that we were leaving. The next morning was so emotion as we both told them. I decided not to see him because it just was so bad. The next day my boyfriend decides to visit him at work and tries to get an understanding of what happened and what was going on. He comes back to me and tells me that MM used me and that he only told me that MM said what he said to get me into bed. I was devastated and I sent MM and email basically stating, if he want out with me please so it now, so I can walk away. We have small conversations and I just decided to meet him at work and I spoke to him for four hours. Basically I was told, mentally I am with you, but I don’t know how to get to you physically. Two weeks later I was told, this is for the best but I am trying to work it out with my wife. I told him I happy for him and I walked away, but emotionally and physically. This was two months ago and we still talk and email, but we have never mentioned what happened again. I am trying to walk away from that, but it isn’t easy. I think everyday without him I get worse. My boyfriend moved back in and we are trying to work things out. We are struggling, I am struggling with the feelings that I have for this other man. I wish I had saw the signs early on. I know I learned my lesson and part of me still really thinks he cares, but I never ever want to go thought that again or put anybody else though it.

 

So like I said, run. You never see the emotional affair coming. It starts small and eventually gets bigger and bigger.

[aktieb0cka]

You are absolutely in one and my advice to you is to run as fast as you can because I am telling you, you are going to be hurting at one point, wishing that you ran.

 

Here is my emotional affair gone bad:

I met MM three years ago at work, briefly. At the time I was 22 and he 25. I was taking by his intelligence thought he was nice and never really thought about him again. I started to deal with him a little bit more and we casually conversed nothing crazy just stupid stuff. I found out he was married and had a son. I was in a committed relationship (and living with) as long as he was married. Over the course of the year we kinda lost touch. Then I find out he was hospitalized with a heart condition. He finally returned to work and I fell horrible that we had lost touch. I tried to remain in contact for the rest of the year and it we lost contact again. Six months later, we had a project to work on. This is when he proceeds to tell me that his marriage is becoming difficult and he didn’t know what to do. I had explained the same issue and we had discussed that counseling would be helpful. He told me that his wife was unresponsive and unwilling to go. I never went either and life went on for another 5 months without contact. I had assumed everything was working well. Right after Thanksgiving I began working with him part time. We had expressed them same issues were still going on and nothing that we were doing was helping. We tried to help each other and listen. Then I had a suspicion that he had crush on me and I started to have a crush for him but never mentioned it. We decided to meet for a Christmas drink and my boyfriend was supposed to meet him. My boyfriend was a no show. MM and I spent an hour together, hugged and wished each other a Merry Christmas. I was sent an email the day after Christmas and it was friendly and just wished me a good holiday. I decided on New Years Eve to send him an email stating that I was glad I had met him, he was such a good friend and I felt we met to late in life. I also told him I understood that nothing could never happen between us because of the obvious. He replied stating he had the same thoughts as well. I decided to meet him a week later, just to discuss with him what had happened. Neither of us mentioned it and we proceeded as normal. I had not seen him for a month and we had this yearly sales meeting. He walked me to my car as we discussed work related stuff, kissed me on the lips got into his car and drove away. I was baffled but never said anything about it again. We continued to work together until one night I was working there answering phones, he was there earlier. He left and never said good bye. I thought it was weird and just blew it off. Then I get a phone call from him who tells me his son wanted to talk to someone and he called me up. I told him he was crazy and that this is not a good idea. I could hear him in the background telling his son what to say. His son is 4. I was devastated because I thought it was improper. One of the ladies at worked started teasing me and him and said we were having an affair. I got so offended. I then called him up the next day at work and told him we need to discuss what happened the night earlier. We met at a local bar and had discussed a lot of stuff but we ultimately decided that we were to stay friends and that was it. I was fine. I when home and woke up to email telling me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. Then I got another email stating that he ripped apart our friendship and that he was so sorry. I was so filled with mixed emotions but I sent him an email telling him how I felt and that we had a lot in common and that I wanted to be with him as well. I never heard from him until 4 days later, we discussed that we would go out with a bunch of people for St Patty’s day. It was all fun and then he started to discuss my email. He told me he didn’t know how to go about being with me and starting a relationship. I told him that it beats me and I wasn’t sure either. He finally asked to kiss me and I looked at him and told him he was crazy. I just hugged him and just rested my head on his chest. Finally, we just kissed and it was the best kiss I ever had. I knew right there that we just screw the whole thing up. He decided to tell one of my co workers that this is it. He was on cloud nine and only wanted to be with me and didn’t know how to go about it. We decided to leave with a bunch of coworkers and drop them off. We then had the discussion of our “plan to be together.” We decided to spend our first and only night together and tell our spouses that we were leaving. The next morning was so emotional as we both told them. I decided not to see him because it just was so bad. The next day my boyfriend decides to visit him at work and tries to get an understanding of what happened and what was going on. He comes back to me and tells me that MM used me and that he only told me that MM said what he said to get me into bed. I was devastated and I sent MM and email basically stating, if he want out with me please say it now, so I can walk away. We had small conversations during that week and I just decided to meet him at work and I spoke to him for four hours. Basically I was told, mentally I am with you, but I don’t know how to get to you physically. Two weeks later I was told, this is for the best but I am trying to work it out with my wife. I told him I happy for him and I walked away, both emotionally and physically. This was two months ago and we still talk and email, but we have never mentioned what happened again. I was only told that his intentions were never to hurt me. I am trying to walk away from that, but it isn’t easy. I think everyday without him I get worse. My boyfriend moved back in and we are trying to work things out. We are struggling, I am struggling with the feelings that I have for this other man. I wish I had saw the signs early on. I know I learned my lesson and part of me still really thinks he cares, but I never ever want to go thought that again or put anybody else though it.

 

So like I said, run. You never see the emotional affair coming. It starts small and eventually gets bigger and bigger.

[whichwayisup]

You might want to copy and paste your story into a thread of your own so you can have replies that can help you through this.

[aktieb0cka]

Thanks for the suggestion. It was my first post and I am kinda new to this...somehow I ended up posting it twice.

[NoIDidn't]

I just want to know what an emotional affair is all about... I think I might be in one but not sure. How do these start?

 

I have been talking to a man for about a year now. We work together. We started out just emailing here and there usually was once every few weeks or months. Now it is everyday - numerous times a day sometimes. Just talking... nothing sexual. Compliments here and there. But nothing sexual.

 

He had asked me out for drinks a few months back but we never acted on it. Now he has brought it up again and wants work something out one night. His email clearly said "whatever 'night' you can go out". I gave him my cell phone number today... but he didn't ask for it... I just gave it to him just in case he wanted to call and make a plan to go out.

 

The thing is that I just found out he is married. This has been a very gradually slow type of affair... now he has really been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder at times if he thinks about me. We definately do have a "connection" to one another. The way he looks at me. When he talks to me he looks right into my eyes. His face is so open... he makes me feel comfortable.... but I do get nervous around him because I like him so much. He said that he emails me because that's the only way he can talk to me because we hardly see each other anymore.

 

We haven't acted out on anything... we've never even shook hands before. But i think I know how he feels just from the vibes he gives me.

 

How do I know that the line has been crossed? Can I still go further... maybe have a drink with him without going over the line? Is this an affair? How do I know that there has been a transition from "just friends" to "the other woman"??? I need major advice here. Never been in this situation before!

 

Red flags:

 

1. Talking everyday

2. This "connection" between you

3. The way he looks at you

4. You feel nervous around him (sexual tension maybe)

5. The constant emails

6. Asking you out on a date

7. A year has passed and you just now find out that he is married

 

You transitioned from "just friends" to the "other woman" a long time ago. At about the point that you started talking to him everyday on the phone and emailing him alot. You don't say so here, but I bet there are a lot of personal confidences in your conversations with him. Like you know some of his more intimate life experiences. He may have told you how much he likes and admires you or can see himself with someone like you.

 

If you were his W, knowing what you know of the things between the two of you, you'd be livid. So yes, you are having an emotional affair. I don't remember where I read this, but once you get to going out with him, you are already at stage 4. Don't do it. Just because there is no sex involved does not mean that no one will get hurt. And you might not think so right now, but you too will be one of the hurting parties.

 

Leave this guy alone because no one needs a "friend" like him.