Guest Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 He called me by his ex's name today. I didn't acknowledge it because I know he would never intentionally hurt me. Is it ridiculous to tell him that it hurt my feelings when it was so obviously a mistake? Should I be worried about his calling me by her name? Does this mean that he's not over her? (He doesn't talk about her as much as he used to. When we first started dating, he talked about her more and I expressed that it bothered me, so he stopped.) Also, when he called me by his ex's name, we were on a conference call with his employee (who has a crush on him). They hardly included me in the conversation and I interjected with some thoughts until I finally told them I had to go because my mother was visiting, which was true. Although I didn't have to get off the phone, I was almost boiling over after being practically ignored on the phone and because I was still upset over his calling me by his ex's name earlier in the conversation. Part of me wants you all to tell me to not worry because everyone slips up with names. But, part of me also is nervous about this. In a perfect world, the man I care about would forget about everyone but me:) His ex-girlfriend would be the last person on his mind. And, he certainly wouldn't accidentally call me by her name-- even if he didn't mean to...
MadDog Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Relationships are kind of like solving a mystery at times and when you're trying to solve a mystery, you have to look at the big picture. You don't look at just one clue and come up with a conclusion without looking at everything else unless that clue is so obvious it can't be anything else. In your case, I'd look at everything else about him before coming to a conclusion. You said yourself his ex seems to be out of his mind. How does he treat you? Is he normally attentive to your needs, show you he cares, etc? If everything else is good, it'd be foolish to get bent out of shape over an obvious mistake. I'm curious though. Why were you on a conference call with his employee? That seems a bit strange.
TheSwordfish Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Depends, if his ex was with him for a few years, he got used to using her name and might have accidentally said it. I would just tell him how you feel.
Guitar Wizard Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 That’s odd, usually you only slip up with stuff that’s on your mind, meaning that he was thinking about her when he was talking to you, and it just sorta came out. I dunno, that’s never happened to me before, I at least make sure I know my girlfriends name while im talking to her, I don’t care HOW long I went out with my ex. Unless of course, your name is like Crystal and her name is Krista, or something. Like you have a ridiculously close name, then you can’t blame him. But, if your name is like Sharon and his ex’s girlfriend’s name is like, Mellisa, then that’s kinda inexcusable.
Walk Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I'm curious about the conference call too. Why isn't he keeping a distinction with her between work and personal relationships? If it was a work call, then why were you in on it? And if it was personal, then why was she in on it? Although I haven't called my SO by my ex's name, I've come close a couple times. Sometimes I dream of the ex, usually nightmares, and wake up with it still in my head. Sometimes my SO will do something that triggers my baggage and I have a hard time not thinking of the ex. So there is the possibility that your bf was thinking of his ex and just slipped up. Either you reminded him of something his ex did, or this other girl, or something unrelated. It doesnt' necessarily mean it was in a loving context that he thought of her. Which might imply you were doing something (or the other girl) that brought up bad memories. MadDog nailed it when he said you have to look at the overall picture and decide how important this problem is. Personally, I'd bring it up to him and ask what was on his mind, or why she was on his mind right then. Try to do it without making him feel under pressure to prove he wasn't thinking of her, or defend himself for an error he didn't intend. Just a discussion to get information on what is going through his mind. I'd give him the opportunity to explain. But I'd also ask why the three way phone call if he wasn't specifically going to talk to you. And keep my eyes wide open about this employee with the crush. To me it sounds a bit fishy in what happened, and I'd be really suspicious of this other girl and him. And what their relationship is beyond work. If this kind of behavior was an abnormality, then it isn't something to worry about. But if this is normal for him to do, or has become normal lately, then try to see the facts as clearly as possible. And piece them in with the whole picture.
LMG Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 You all are so wonderful! Thanks so much for your detailed responses. We were on a three-way call because I've come to be in a side biz that he's in too. I'm not threatened by the relationship between him and his employee except that I know she is crazy about him. He's obviously not at all attracted to her (although, I know it's not all about looks) and their backgrounds are completely different. I know he doesn't want anything with her, but it still bugs me a little that she would if he gave the word. Also, it annoys me that they're so "buddy-buddy." I feel somewhat unreasonable that I'm letting it bother me. Of course, he should have friends! Who am I to be upset about that in any way? I think I should give it a rest. To answer some of your other questions, I did email him a cute/funny email regarding his goof. I basically teased him about it in a loving way and he called me right away to explain... wish he hadn't... would've liked it better if I just thought it was a goof. He said that she was on his mind because someone told him that she was engaged (they just broke up last August), and he looked her up on the net and found her in videos being fitted for a dress. This, he said, flipped him out. That made me feel worse because I don't believe that anyone ever told him that she was getting married. In my heart, I feel he was just looking her up on the net. Although, I look up my exes-- even the ones I hate. I'm hoping that the case was out of mere curiosity. I guess my fear is that I'm with someone who's not over his ex, and I don't want to be in a relationship like that. My other fear is that he will lie when I ask him about his feelings for her. What if he's just lying because he doesn't want to be alone? Other than this, there have been several small things to make me question whether I should be with him or not. Some include his chronic lateness, not meeting his friends (have only met one, that was last week, and we've been dating for 7 months), etc. Hope this clears some things up! Thanks again, LMG
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