sanne Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I've been friends with this girl for close to 4 years now. We became friends freshman year of college, and she recently came back from studying abroad last fall. Since then, we've really gotten close as friends. Ever since she has come back I've let her know that i'm definitely interested in hooking up with her. In the past month we've really gotten close, and so naturally the issue of sex came up. She tells me that she doesn't want to have sex because she thinks it will ruin our friendship. I'm confused because she also tells me that she is attracted to me. I told her a few days ago that I couldn't see her anymore because my feelings for her were definitely more than just friendly and things would probably end up a lot worse down the road if i just ignored them. Now i'm wondering if I did the right thing, she really was a good friend to me but i'm worried that sex will always be an issue. She's the type of girl that can definitely write someone off once they've done something bad to them so I'm worried that if i stick with my decision she may never want to talk to me again. Do you guys think i made the right decision?
jerbear Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I've been friends with this girl for close to 4 years now. We became friends freshman year of college, and she recently came back from studying abroad last fall. Since then, we've really gotten close as friends. Ever since she has come back I've let her know that i'm definitely interested in hooking up with her. In the past month we've really gotten close, and so naturally the issue of sex came up. She tells me that she doesn't want to have sex because she thinks it will ruin our friendship. I'm confused because she also tells me that she is attracted to me. I told her a few days ago that I couldn't see her anymore because my feelings for her were definitely more than just friendly and things would probably end up a lot worse down the road if i just ignored them. Now i'm wondering if I did the right thing, she really was a good friend to me but i'm worried that sex will always be an issue. She's the type of girl that can definitely write someone off once they've done something bad to them so I'm worried that if i stick with my decision she may never want to talk to me again. Do you guys think i made the right decision? I'm a firm believer of doing what you say and quit thinking about the "what-ifs" I feel you made the right decision at the time to voice your feelings. The "don't want ot ruin the friendship" is BS, if it doesn't work guess what? One of you two MAY want to keep being friends. Makes sense? It is hard to be a friend when one has the hots for the other. very hard for one to let go. The relationship has changed regardless because she knows and I am sure she knew. If she does not want to talk to you again as in backing off, give her the space then go talk to her a week, a month or whatever later. Don't push her, don't use No contact (NC), just pull back a little.
Author sanne Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 thanks for the great advice jerbear! i feel a lot better about the situation now. i feel like i made the right decision, we were getting closer and closer as friends and i know if i had waited a few months to tell her how i felt it would have been a lot worse. at least now i won't ever wonder "what if", she knows where i stand. at the same time, i'm not foolish enough to throw away a good friendship just because she does not want to sleep with me. if and when i feel like i can really be friends with her i will contact her again and try to amend things.
Author sanne Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 well i saw her again today because i needed to pickup some beers i left over at her place, and it was very strange. i have no idea if she's upset or even cares that i don't want to be friends with her. she acted as if nothing was wrong and i just left with a casual goodbye. what's weird is that she never once protested or said anything about wanting to stay friends. i'm really confused because she has repeatedly told me that i've been the only guy she's been friends with for this long, i figured that i might mean something to her. i dunno maybe she is just hiding how she really feels inside and trying to play it cool.
gfto Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 maybe she is just hiding how she really feels inside and trying to play it cool. Probably not. It's very difficult (if not impossible) to make the transition from friend to boyfriend, particularly after four years of friendship. You mentioned that she has told you that she is attracted to you. How did that come up? What was the context? What exactly did she say?
Author sanne Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 well we were discussing the issue of sex, and she was telling me that even though i'm very attractive she just couldn't go through with it. the way she said it made me think she meant it, instead of just trying to be nice. her words: "i'm not saying your not attractive. i mean look at you, wow...." her problem is that it would be very weird and ackward for us to start hooking up. i should add that she hasn't had a serious boyfriend/relationship in her 4 years of college.
gfto Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 but, who brought it up in the first place? If you brought it up, and then she said that, then she was just politely saying "not a chance."
Author sanne Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 well i do know that freshman year she was attracted to me and would have probably slept with me if i made the move. i think the problem now is that we've been friends for so long, it's going to be (like you said) next to impossible to take it to that next level. i guess i should say that she hasn't been in a serious relationship in the 4 years she's been in college. that's not to say she isn't sexually active, she goes out a lot and has a lot of flings. i think that is what gets me the most is that she will go out and sleep with some random guy, but won't with me. considering who she has been with i'd say i'm probably a lot better looking then most, if not all of them.
MadDog Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 In most cases, getting with a girl is a limited time offer.
jerbear Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 In most cases, getting with a girl is a limited time offer. Agreed. sanne: Go for a kiss and see what happens! You may disrespect one other but if you're going to end it, at least kiss her.
Sand&Water Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 well i do know that freshman year she was attracted to me and would have probably slept with me if i made the move. i think the problem now is that we've been friends for so long, it's going to be (like you said) next to impossible to take it to that next level. i guess i should say that she hasn't been in a serious relationship in the 4 years she's been in college. that's not to say she isn't sexually active, she goes out a lot and has a lot of flings. i think that is what gets me the most is that she will go out and sleep with some random guy, but won't with me. considering who she has been with i'd say i'm probably a lot better looking then most, if not all of them. It's either you ask her to be exclusive, and hope that there will be a 'next level' or you accept her word and move on. Can't have a friendship with someone, with feelings involved.
Author sanne Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 well i think the best thing i can do is to just stop contacting her for a while. i think i could use a break from her to clear my head anyways.
Author sanne Posted May 17, 2006 Author Posted May 17, 2006 well i've kept to my decision and have not contacted her at all. she called me today mentioning the fact that she was realyl sick and invited me to come over and watch House with her, acted as if nothing had happened between us. i was a bit taken aback by this and didn't know what to say, so i told her i'd call her back later and let her know. about 2 hrs later, i get a text from her saying she is really sick and is going to take some medicine, go to sleep, and call me tomorrow. was the whole phone call just a trick to see if i would answer?
jerbear Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 well i've kept to my decision and have not contacted her at all. she called me today mentioning the fact that she was realyl sick and invited me to come over and watch House with her, acted as if nothing had happened between us. i was a bit taken aback by this and didn't know what to say, so i told her i'd call her back later and let her know. about 2 hrs later, i get a text from her saying she is really sick and is going to take some medicine, go to sleep, and call me tomorrow. was the whole phone call just a trick to see if i would answer? The phone call is a trick to see if she still has a hold over you. The compassion the feelings, etc... she wants to have her cake and eat it to. If you call and hang out with her, you go back to contact, friendship, and most importantly fall back in line. If you don't call her, the relationship gets damaged as in you abandoned her and do not care about her. Either way you are SOL.
Author sanne Posted May 17, 2006 Author Posted May 17, 2006 normally i'd have no qualms about just up and leaving a situation like this. however, this is the first girl i've ever had a real friendship with that has lasted this long (4 years). i'm not sure if i even have strong romantic feelings for her anymore. i think i may have been confused with my feelings for her as a friend. i've just never had a friendship with a girl where things were just strictly platonic. i think i just need more time away from her to clear my head.
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