htinulas Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I have posted here before and it took me a long time to find the site again. Thank goodness I found it. I have been dealing with a person through work since Sept 04 who has put me on an emotional roller coaster BIG TIME and to this day it still continues. i have never met him, yet when I read descriptions online about the commitment phobic man, it describes him to a tee, other than obviously the physical aspect. Through work, he started emailing me in Sept 04. He came on very strong, emailing me a lot , calling me daily, then we exchanged cell phone #'s. He would leave me messages in the a.m, call mid day to say hi and say he needed to hear my voice. We would call each other in the evening, and on the weekend. This went on for several weeks; then out of no where he vanished. We had SO MUCH in common it was scarey. He talked about meeting me; we were actually trying to pick a date. I enjoyed it SO much. I guess I was an easy target. I couldn't understand why he came on so strong, then vanished. It was very difficult for me to deal with. I over reacted a lot back in 2004 and early 2005. To this day, he still hasn't gone completely away. I try to shut him out, it's very very hard for me because I have now grown so accustomed to talking to him. In Oct 2005 I made a trip to his state (I am in Canada). I ran a half marathon, and then travelled another hour to meet up with another work colleague from his company. I told T.G. where I would be - it was about 15 minutes outside his town and across the river. That way I was not too close but he had the opportunity to meet me if he changed his mind. He did not, which was fine. A short while after that, I learned that he changed his cell phone #. Which was no big deal, we didn't talk on cell phones anymore anyway. We continued our journey, or roller coaster ride. He never really went completely away. Sometimes he would get in moods where he wouldn't answer my emails even about work-related stuff, which irks me to no end, because if I was a complete stranger he would answer my work emails promptly - so I would have to go to someone else to get my information. I like him - he is a nice guy. I know he's messed up; but hey, so am I, obviously, right? People that I have talked to about him (2 guys from his work) have said they believe he is afraid of commitment, which is what lead me to look up the description. Doesn't make sense though - how can I be a commitment when I live in another country? In Jan of 2006 he got a little more friendly, a little more risky emails, and then to my surprise in early March he started text messaging my cell phone. Yep, from his new cell phone #. It was so much fun, and I knew, even commented to my friends that I knew it would be short lived, but I enjoyed it anyway. Now it's like I'm in 2004 again. He's ignoring work emails completely. If I ask him what his problem is, he says that he's just really busy. I really, really don't get it. It's been so long now, I have grown so accustomed to him, although it's so emotionally draining for me, I don't know what to do about it.
blind_otter Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I remember you! Maybe he's married. But this will be tough to extricate yourself from, because of the long habit you've grown accustomed to. What is it that he provides for you, in your day to day life? Or even overall?
Author htinulas Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 See, I've thought of that. It would be easier to accept that way. He has no full time women in his life. A very good friend of mine who travelled to meet me says he is afraid of commitment. A good friend of his who I used to chat with until I started getting pissed off at him too, once sent some joke about a commitment phobic man, which I realized later was a hint. Yes, it could all be untrue, but I really don't think that is the problem. What he provides to me. Yikes, what a good question. I have asked myself that so many times, but I don't know. I even seen a therapist in 2004 but he was no help, he told me to just go meet him. Which is easy for him to say, when I visited his state, he conveniently went away to visit his mother in another state. I was fine with the on again off again thing until this year when it all heated up again. I never thought it would have, I thought I was prepared, but now I'm feeling really crappy again. I know I invest way too much in him emotionally.
justagirliegirl Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I take it you have never even met this guy yet? I believe he is married. I think you are wasting your time on him. If you want to keep him as a light internet friend and that's it then do that but you got to move on from this fantasy.
Author htinulas Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 He is a work colleague. We are a rep for his manufactured product. I know many of the people who work with him through work, who say he is not married, nor have they ever seen him with a girl. It's not really a regular internet thing; that is the problem. We have mutual ground - our work, Sucks. I do agree with you that I am wasting my time with him. Even as a friend, he is spotty - hot and cold; that's what is hard to deal with.
Love Hurts Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 You have grown attatched to the thrill of the emotions he presents. He is an unsolved mystery, a romance novel, a wonderful surprise, a break in the day, great table topic at a meal, a wonderment before you close your eyes. He makes your heart skip a beat. Ok so he likes to play games and your in....... when you decide you have had enough of the mystery man,,,,,, you will stop and not take his calls or read his emails. Do you ever wonder how many other females are on his train..........? He is control freak, with a new toy, he pushes the red button and activates you or deactivates you..... Take back your control.... it is easy to say............. but when life gets dull and the phone rings... you may tempted............. Good Luck
Author htinulas Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 Well you hit the nail on the head in many ways there. I plan on not responding next time he pushes.....but when he does, I just lose control. He doesn't phone, the last little stint was the text message fling; if I do hear from him via phone it's work related and although I could just be businesslike, I know I sound all warm and inviting I just can't help it; My work colleague says I sound all giggly when he calls. OK, I'm 40 ; a little old to be doing the giggly school girl thing. I have wondered about others, people that know him tell me he's not like that, that he pretty much keeps to himself. I don't really believe it; maybe he's alone in person but if he found it so easy to lure me with his first emails so long ago, I'm sure there could be others. It's werid because it's almost like i plan ways to try to get him interetsed again. His brithday is in 2 weeks, and I've made a little movie clip with happy birthday in teh background and me holding up some funny signs. So I think to myself, OK unless me emails me first next week I won't email him at all then I will send this clip and he'll be all happy to see it. I know I know, it's sad, isn't it. I think if I could just meet him in person finally and see that he's just a person, not the idolized version I have made him into, then maybe that would be easier?
Keen Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Love Hurts is right. I'll be brutally honest here, and if this hurts, then let it hurt because this is your feelings we're talking about. You're 40, right? Act like your age and knock some of that good old-fashioned sense in that noggin. 40 is no excuse to let a man you've not even met, play with your emotional buttons. Have some respect for yourself, alright? Why are you letting him play with your feelings? So what if he drops you texts now and then, or every day for a week? He only gets all cosy and friendly when his mood dictates. Being busy is no excuse. Ask yourself this: What do you want out of this relationship with this man? I'm guessing like every other girl, you do want someone you can really have a stable, longlasting relationship with. His actions clearly don't demonstrate such kind of commitment. In my humble opinion, if a man is really serious about a girl, he'll find ways to do at least something regularly, like writing regularly an little email no matter what. Not when he's"in the mood for some of you". You say that it's hard to put aside because he is also your colleague and you encounter him during work. Come on girl, snap out of it. Someone who treats you this casually - appearing in your life and then disappearing just as suddenly without thought for your feelings - is not worth your trouble getting all lovey over. I doubt that meeting this man will change any of it. Sure you can at least see his face, maybe ask him your qustions about what he's doing, or cuddle up. If you want to risk this, then go ahead and meet him, it will at least satisfy your curiosity and allow you to bring him down from that pedestal. However if you don't see each other on a daily basis, I'm not sure if he'll not go back to the same habit again - contacting you when he feels he wants to. Really though, once you've let this sunk in, I hope you can just tell yourself that he's just your colleague and concentrate on your job. You sure as hell don't want to lose it over him and there are definitely better fish out there for a loving woman like you, who I feel deserves a lot better than this.
lonelybird Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I have been in this situation like you before. It was very drain and painful. Maybe when you actually meet him, all the shiny and mysteria would be gone. I realized that I loved a "man" that I created by myself, but maybe this was just my case, not yours. Good luck
Author htinulas Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 Thanks Keen. No I appreciate your honesty. I need stuff like that. Problem is, I agree. You sound like all of my close friends. At first they thought this was a lot of fun but now they're saying Get A Grip. BTW I do know what his face lookslike; we have traded several pictures. It worries me too that I'm 40 and letting him control me like that. I just get such a good feeling, which is fine except when he decides to turn me off again it sucks. Keen, did you ever meet the person you were in this situation with? Thanks people for your help.
Author htinulas Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 Whenever he does ignore me he waits and eventually I send a nasty message. He'll then reply sorry, I am just really busy. Being outspoken it is very very hard for me to not try to get the last word in. I just got a message from him saying the very same thing. I have not responded to it. I will attempt not to.
lonelybird Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 I met the online man after one year e-mail exchange. and in reality he was cold and distant, and not so charming, but in the email letter he was so sweet and confident. I found myself constantly IMAGE how romantic would be IF I with him, and IMAGED many sweet scenes to compense the lack of contact. Even in email He played cold and hot with me, made me just want to change him to the original sweet one (yes, chasing him), and kinda thought that was my fault to make him distant. But that was NOT. Later on I found he tried to emotionally manipulate and abuse me, so I stopped all contact with him. One year later, he wrote me again, all sweet stuff. But I didn't buy it, I thought if you are really care me, show some ACTION. He saw me not fall like last time, he began to call me names, and said all terrible stuff, true color came out. completely a different man from what I thought. Maybe a little long, but maybe you can see something from my case. If he really care about you, he would come to you, not avoid you by some excuses. Maybe he got some problems himself, thinking himself not good enough for you, but you cannot be pulled down by his immaturiy. Pray for him and move on. Good luck
Author htinulas Posted June 3, 2006 Author Posted June 3, 2006 Well that does sound familiar. Yeah I was okay with it I think until he popped back up this year with the text messaging. The part that irks me to no end is how he just stops and then i I quesiton him as to why he did it yet again he acts like I'm the one with the problem. I envy your strength.!! This guy has me so messed up and I don't even know him. I'm sure he must have problems to even be doing this. I don't want to chase him but for some reason I always end up doing it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Keen Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Keen, did you ever meet the person you were in this situation with? Thanks people for your help. You're welcome. I only experienced a similar encounter briefly, in a chatroom where I met this guy who treated me to a lot of sweet words, very romantic. Then outside of it he was different. It turned out that he already had a girlfriend, and that he treated our "romantic sessions" as a sort of role-playing game. Everyone was telling me to let go since he was acting like a jerk and that he wasn't serious, but at the time, I didn't know enough not to back off. Well from that biref encounter I learnt enough to tell when a guy's trying to use a girl, so I hope you come through safe too. Lonely Bird is right as well and it's good to see you're fighting strong against this guy. You don't really know what he's thinking, but like I said, if a guy is really serious about you, he will try all he can to really spend every minute he can spare with you, not just on and off. This I learnt when I found my current boyfriend, he is very devoted and spends every minute of his weekend chatting to me, and we exchange email every day if we can. I take this effort on his part as a sign of true love. I hope that information helps.
Author htinulas Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 Yeah all my friends say basically the same thing; that he is getting his kicks basically and that he is using me. Don't know quite the whole story, maybe he needs me once in a while to build his ego. Who the heck knows. He still claims nothing is wrong tht he 'is just busy' which is a crock. When he comes on he comes on strong. LIke the sweet romancing in 2004 and the very intimate texting in March/April. Then if I ask, he just says I over react about everything all of the time. D'uh - who wouldn't. THe only thing that is hard is the UP feeling I get when it's back on again. I feel so energized, so refereshed, it's just so exciting for me.
Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Well his birthday is over and I did send him an email greeting. I would've have felt right if I hadn't tried. He did send a very sweet answer back, but now it's business as usual. I'm kind of getting used to it, but I keep trying to figure out how to go back to before. 2004 would be best; although the 2006 edition was sort of fun too.
Recommended Posts