Slacker4 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Well, I have been dealing with this for a few days and I looked around the internet looking for anything that was remotely similiar. Obviously, I found this site. And it seemed that everybody (or a majority) has been through it and knows what the hell I am going to be talking about. Plus, the advice I have seen has been really good. Let me start off by giving a background of the situation. I am in my mid-30's and I have been dating this girl for 3 1/2 years. We are both divorced with 2 children each and live very close together, on purpose. I will say that she is the first I dated after I divorced and we immediately fell for each other. She is the type of woman that you day dream about most of your life. I felt more love for her in a short time then I did in 8 years of marriage. We seemed like a perfect match and had (i still think we do) a chemistry that is unlike anything I dreamed. After dating for awhile, we both brought the kids into it (slowly, I didnt want to do that right away. Being a good father is number 1 priority). My kids adore her as much as I do. And we would often do things together, all 6 of us. OUr alone time was even more incredible. We were always laughing and joking and just absolutely loving each other's company. We would take trips together, do everything together, you know, inseperable. We also had a serious times too. We would talk on the phone for hours when we couldnt be together. (kids are still too young to leave alone). The memories are just so thick that I often wonder if I am dreaming. I worshiped the ground she walked on and would always be there when she needed it. Which happened alot because she has ex issues and family issues. (Look, I know this all sounds too good to be true, but I truely feel that way) We would always joke about getting married in 5 years. No matter how much time went by, it was always 5 years. We called it our 5 year plan, even though we were both kidding and wanted it sooner. Her parents were convinced that we would get engaged over this past Christmas. Now dont get me wrong, we had our moments too. As time goes on, there were struggles. Every relationship has them. See there is one problem with us, we are very much alike and that includes being very stubborn. So, when we argued, it was a battle of wills. Anyway, lately, we have been a roller coaster. Great moments (still) and lousy moments (arguing). Now the arguments are both of our faults, more or less, insecurity and/or jealousy. (we both have been burned in the past). But they have been more frequent lately. I dont want to make this a book, but she told me a few days ago that she has had enough of the roller coaster and wants to spend time apart. I, of course, dont want to because I feel that these issues can be worked out with proper communication and adjustments. I spent a few days telling her that we have too much to throw away over petty arguments by taking a break. That our relationship and its future is too important to risk. She didnt seem to buy it and told me that she wants to be alone right now to sort out her thoughts. She has assured me that she is not interested in anyone else or even meeting anyone else and I believe her. But when I ask how much time she wants, she says that she doesnt know. Now we have made many plans for the next couple of months, including a trip with our kids and my family. She told me to go ahead and cancel the reservations for her even though that is 2 months away (i guess that is my answer). I told her that I love her and dont want to loose her and throw away our chance. She said that she doesnt know how to feel right now. She loves me, but questions our future now and wants time to think. She thinks that we might be too similar and worries about compatability. By the way, to add to my confusion, the next day she showed up at my son's baseball game with her kids. We even went to dinner that night with all of us and her son spent the night. But by the next day, it was back to coldness again. She said she came because she didnt want to disappoint my kids after telling them ealier in the week that she would be there. I tell her that I dont know what to do and that I will give her what she wants. Basically, she wants to be left alone right now and decide if she misses me or not. I have to say, I dont beleive in breaks. I dont think they work out, especially after reading alot of this message board. I beleive in sticking through things and finding solutions. So, I am scared to death of loosing her and everything that I have felt. We have never gone more than 2 days without talking in 3 1/2 years. I am torn. I want to give her space, but i am afraid of what will follow. Do I move on? Do I keep the faith? the most confusing part is that the weekend prior was incredible. We spent the entire weekend together and had a blast together. I was hoping for some advice. And hopefully hear some success stories. Thanks for listening.
scobro Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Wow tough call.I think she could be testing you out to see what you might do.The cancel the reservations is preety extreme and could be signs of permanent thinking.I hate to say it but when women usually say they need time apart it is never a good sign and shows you where her head is at.Not knowing her personally it's tough to say if she is just seeing what action you will take.Go with your gut wow so much time invested to have it end with "WE NEED TIME APART"I hope you work it out with her.I would get her alone and talk things through again.See where her head is at.You are right breaks never work out.The fact that she wants to see if she misses you would have me advise you do No Contact for a while....Good luck
Author Slacker4 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Now you know how i feel. I am just confused as to what to do. I have my good moments, where I think to myself, this will be good, I can get the things done that I have always wanted to do and improve myself so when the time comes to see her again (which it will because we live so close), I will be better for it. But then I start to get anxiety, and realize that there is no way it is going to work out. I have already tried the "get together one on one". And after talking, she said she just wants me to leave her alone right now. I struggle with why she wants to risk it all now....
justagirliegirl Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 You are being very vague about what these arguments are. I don't think a woman would leave a nearly 4 year relationship unless something was really wrong.
gfto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Time to move on. I know you're hurting, but she just dumped you. This is almost always how relationships end. The arguments become more frequent. The affect becomes less frequent. It's due to one thing, and one thing only. You've somehow lowered her interest level in you. When she uses the word "break," her interest level has hit the point of no return. (Hence, the vaugeness about how much time she needs, etc.) She has already made her decision. Reading your post, it sounds to me like you were probably too "nice." For example, spending hours and hours on the phone, and basically being at her beck and call.
Author Slacker4 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 I dont think it was a matter of beibng at her beck and call, it was that we enjoyed talking to each other. We were best friends. She tells me that she is afraid that she is making the wrong decision and is aware of the consequences of perhaps losing me, but she said that she doesnt have any choice but to do this. That she doesnt trust her judgement anymore. I dont want to make the bad person here, I just want her to be happy. But I dont want to loose this girl.
scobro Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I just got the "I need time" line.This is definatly the kiss of death we are done you might be too....sorry.............women suck:D
Author Slacker4 Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Does anybody have a success story? And if so, how did you get it?
Mistaken Identity Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I concur with justagirliegirl: You still haven't given us the details of your arguments. If your girlfriend said she doesn't trust her judgment, you must have done something out of character. Were you violent?
centered Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 A mid 30's woman with 2 young children and nearly 4 years invested in what sounds like a deep and loving relationship? What do you think she wants? She wants you to propose! And not because you feel threatened, but because you *want* to. She's testing you. She's tired of waiting. And she doesn't want to waste the few years she's got left to try to make a *complete* family of her own with a husband and father-figure to her children as part of her world. No contact on your part would kill the relationship. If you really want her, tell her so! Be firm but loving. Explain you don't know what she's thinking right now, but you don;t want to lose her. And if there's no good reason you haven't proposed to her by now, then search deep within yourself and see if you really *do* want to get married to her. And if so, what are you waiting for? And if you just aren't ready, then there's your answer, and that's why she's preparing to leave you -- she's given up on your *ever* asking, seriously, for marriage. She sounds wonderful. Consider what you might be losing if you can't commit now.
ronnieromance Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 You know, it's very hard to tell what's going on with out being a fly on the wall. There a re nuances and vibrations between two people that often belie the true feelings behing the words being spoken. She could be testing you..Women are masturful in this regard. Or she could simply feel stifled in the relationship. It's been my personal experience that the worst thing you can usually do is try to force the situation. Perhaps you should go with it for a while and see what happens. Put off cancelling the reservations, but proverbially "chill out". In the mean time, why not make a profile on fling dot com or something? Don't dwell on sadness. It's not healthy. It's also not productive. It could also serve as a test to see if she is testing you. Sometimes it is wise to "reverse the polarity".
Author Slacker4 Posted May 19, 2006 Author Posted May 19, 2006 To answer earlier questions, no, there was no violence or anything such as cheating or a big event, etc. She feels that there may be a compatibility issue. My previous relationship was with someone that never wanted to be around me or with me. Her's was with someone that was very jealous and insecure. Unfortunately, we have had trouble letting go of these demons. I get insecure sometimes when I feel that she doesnt want to be with me. Most of the time, it is in my head, but nevertheless, it is there. And it really drives her nuts. But at the same time, she drives me nuts over some things. So, to answer some of the questions, the arguing is not over anything significant, just a rut that we are in. I dont beleive she is testing me either. We both have stated several times that we are not ready to get married. We still have a lot to do in getting our lives together, mainly the kids. I think at this point, she doesnt know what she wants. Last weekend, she came over and we spent a couple of days together and it was great. But now she is right back into this, "I dont know what I want" mentallity. I dont know what to do. I have asked her to do some things with me over the next several weekends and perhaps it was that that caused her to back away again.
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