Guest Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I am in love with my boyfriend. Let me elaborate on that - with the romantic, wonderful, loving personality that he has 90% of the time. I can do without the other 10% when he suffers breakdowns and throws me out. He says it's not my fault, that he loves me and I'm wonderful. But he always manages to come up with a list of my flaws to twist the blame on me so I feel horrible and responsible. Then a couple of days later he wants me back, says it wasn't me, and I return (I think 4 times now in the past 4 months of our 14 month relationship). He is 37, I'm 36. He was married 15 years to an verbally abusive woman that would never have sex with him (no kids). I do not have a temper and I love sex, and am nothing like this woman (and he totally agrees). They were separated when we met, and they finally divorced in Dec (right before the first time he threw me out). He finally went to a counselor last week who said he had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and he seems to be excited about therapy. I have never heard of someone having PTSD in response to divorce. My question is: if I stay with him will this roller coaster end or am I in for a lifetime of insecurity (or maybe not a lifetime - just until he throws me out permanently)? As it is I'm having problems with trusting him but do not want to bring it up because I don't want to rock the boat. Please help me with any advice you may have - the anxiety of this experience has been unbearable. Thank you so much, Eileen
Curmudgeon Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 In response to your subject question, "Yes!" it's going to be hard because he may be on the rebound and hasn't given himself time to confront, sort through, come to grips with and set aside his post-divorce feelings. A divorce after a lengthy marriage (and in this day-and-age, 15 years qualifies) is a major emotional trauma. If I was you I'd rock the boat and see what falls out. That's better than consigning yourself to a possible lifetime of revolving door relationship.
stereo1 Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Whether or not things will get better depends on what's actually wrong with him. You didn't mention (or I didn't catch it) how long he's been divorced. I was married for almost as long as your boyfriend, and it took me about a year to get over her. She was VERY abusive, as well as being narcisstic. IF your boyfriend is going through PTSD, then there's help available. However, you need to find out if this might just be the way he is. I found that a narcissist will be that way - huge fights, abuse, and then begging for forgiveness, much the way your boyfriend is doing to you. If you find that this is how he normally is, then no, it's not going to get better.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 The PTSD could be because she was very abusive. There are different possibilities to what is going on here. 1. He's lied to you about his ex wife and he was really the emotionally abusive one. I'd have to say I'd be very cautious of anything negative he has to say about her and take it with a grain of salt. There are two sides to every story and you haven't heard hers. The real mark of a man that is not on the rebound is that he can talk somewhat positively about his ex spouse with no anger and yet can also say what the spouse did wrong as well as what they did wrong. Has he talked about what he did wrong?? 2. She really was abusive and all of that and he's suffering from PTSD. If so, he needs help- therapy and mediciation. With PTSD you can have flareups during stressful times in your life and he could be doing that. 3. If it is PTSD then perhaps he's feeling really comfortable with you and loved and he doesn't know how to handle it. PTSD often causes people to push away the people they love- because when you love someone it gives them control over you- and you don't want to give anyone that power. As a side note, I suffer from PTSD- and my reactions have never been like his above. That's not saying he doesn't have it. I do the pushing away but his seems extreme to me, and more like Bi Polar disorder to me. Has he been in treatment?? He certainly needs to seek help now. Even if he does have PTSD it's not an excuse for his actions- and it's not an excuse for him to be abusive to you. You have to decide what you want to put up with and what you don't. But a condition of my staying- IF I stayed would be therapy and meds for him as well as joint counseling. There is way more to life than putting up with this.
blind_otter Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 It's really hard to live with someone who has PTSD. I have it and it's hellish. I do better single. That said, if you are dedicated to taking on this extra burden, make sure to educate yourself about PTSD and the fallout after divorce, as well as domestic violence survivors.
Woggle Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 You should not have to pay for what his ex wife did. I understand that he was abused for all those years and it is understandable that healing from it is hard but you are not the one that abused him and he is wrong for putting you through this. Tell to get help and deal with hus issues or it is over.
stillafool Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I hate to tell you this but my ex husband starting throwing me out of the house every time we had an argument starting 2 mos. after we married. He was emotionally abusive to me. I can't tell you how many times he threw me out during our 2 year marriage. Finally the time before the last I starting saving my money for an apartment, buying dishes and everything I would need for my new place. When it happened again I never came back and he went crazy trying to find out where I lived, showing up on my job, etc. Finally, after our divorce he got another girlfriend who moved in with him and he kept throwing her out also. Any man who would put his wife out in the cold like my husband did me has some real problems. A real man would leave the house his self.
Guest Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Hi all, Thanks for all the advice! Everyone had some really good insights. I hope it is PTSD, because it seems that it is the most easily treatable by therapy of all three possibilities and that if I am really supportive I may be able to help. I thought about it being (relatively mild) bipolar disorder and even mentioned it to him - he did admit that a lot of times when he does these crazy things he doesn't realize how crazy they are until later. But he doesn't seem to suffer depressive episodes that keep him in bed or affect his job; he is actually very successful at work. He just seems to want to change things all the time and then tells me he wants to get off the roller coaster (although I don't want to point out that he is one driving that train!). Anyway, his therapist thought bipolar was a little too extreme a description. But then I didn't talk to her - I wonder if he mentioned that the day before the break-ups he was telling me things like that he wanted to get married, took me shopping for rings and said he wanted to have kids with me. Not my ideas but of course they sound very appealing to me! I was worried it may be borderline personality disorder too - it seems that repeated breakups are common with that, as well as being irritable and critical out of nowhere. For instance, we got into a huge fight because he wants me to wear makeup and another one because I didn't talk enough at this debate club social. It seems like borderline is something that is hard to fix because the person doesn't see flaws in themselves so the therapist may not even realize what is really going on. Anyway, the biggest problem with me staying with him, beyond the uncertainty of the future, is that whenever we get into arguments I truly feel like he doesn't love me then. I've never experienced this before in a realtionship and it is very disconcerting. So I am often waiting for him to say he loves me again. I am unable to forget how great things can be with us so I can't let go of the relationship! I just wanted to say that I am not perfect - but I am usually cheerful and very supportive and am never deliberately mean. Thanks again - especially if you have new insights on what I've elaborated upon!
stereo1 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I was worried it may be borderline personality disorder too - it seems that repeated breakups are common with that, as well as being irritable and critical out of nowhere. For instance, we got into a huge fight because he wants me to wear makeup and another one because I didn't talk enough at this debate club social. It seems like borderline is something that is hard to fix because the person doesn't see flaws in themselves so the therapist may not even realize what is really going on. My ex-wife was both bipolar and narcisstic (which is a personality disorder). In 12 years of marriage, NOTHING was her fault. It was all either me, or someone else. Throwing you out of the house, witholding affection, getting VERY angry over VERY trivial things - none of this is normal, and that's coming from someone who was in an abusive relationship himself. If he won't seek help, this will never end. If he DOES have a personality disorder, it will never end, either, because there is no treatment for a personality disorder. There are no drugs for it, and therapy is inneffective to the point that the patient will fool the doctors themselves. You need to find out if this is truly a result of his marriage, or if he is using his "abusive ex-wife" as an excuse for hurting you. If he won't go for therapy, this is a HUGE red flag.
Recommended Posts