Chaser Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I think I just posted this in the wrong section (Breaking up), and is much more appropriate here: My short (5 month), intense relationship ended in January and I haven't had any contact with my ex since early March. I have no desire to contact her/be contacted by her and am pretty much healed (NC worked wonders *this* time around). I would like some input about something though. I randomly bumped into my ex's housemate today at a bus-stop and she shared some info about my ex (I didn't ask) but all the same, it didn't affect me as much as I thought it would. She basically said that she doesn't see my ex much as she is always at her new boyfriend's house. They've been seeing each other since not long after the break-up (January). This got me thinking about *our* relationship and some of my ex's behaviour within it. I just wondered if anyone has been out with someone intense/obsessive/insecure who follows patterns in relationships. Some of the behaviours from my relationship with her were: - Asking for a second date in the middle of our first date. - Spending ALL of her time with me (staying at my house 5 nights a week from the 2nd week of our r/s) and losing touch with her friends immediately after we began seeing each other. - Telling me she loved me after 4-5 weeks. - Calling me numerous times after her shifts (mostly after 1am) to see if she could come to my house and stay the night....despite the fact she had to be up early for work the next day - Spontaneously bursting into tears in public (missing me) after I left for a 3 week holiday - Expressing a desire for us to move in together 2 months into the relationship That list probably doesn't do her behaviour justice - let's just say that she was extremely insecure and made it obvious. At the time I thought that her behaviour was quite intense and borderline smothering - but I felt a strong connection and I thought that perhaps she had felt it too and was just expressing it more 'freely' than I. It wasn't until today, when her friend told me that she was spending most of her time with her new boyfriend (and at his house) that it occurred to me that it wasn't necessarily 'us' that was intense...but her behaviour that *made* it intense. She seems to throw herself into things head-first and devotes herself/becomes obsessed with, whomever she is with. This either pushes them away or pulls them in....until she pulls away. I was just wondering if there is a 'term' for this, or if anyone has been out with someone similar? I was glad I ran into her friend to be honest, it opened my eyes in regards to my ex and I realised that a healthy, balanced relationship would probably not have been possible with her until she works on her security. Any input or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Star Gazer Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I'm not sure I would use the word "insecure," but it certainly does sound like she defines herself by being in a relationship. S
Author Chaser Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 I'm not sure I would use the word "insecure," but it certainly does sound like she defines herself by being in a relationship. S Y'know I would agree with you, but she had not been in a relationship for about 8 months before she met me. And even then, her last relationship had only been a short one....after another long period of being single. On reflection, our relationship almost looks like a 'rebound' - but I couldn't actually identify anything that she was rebounding from. Likewise, her new relationship *also* seems like a 'rebound'...but I doubt that she is rebounding from me specifically. I guess I'm intrigued more than anything - I have always been one to take things slower (or what I think is a 'normal' pace) but there have been instances when I have found myself caught up in a tide of emotions like she seems to be. The fact that her entire dating life seems to be littered with this behaviour makes me wonder if it is a 'disorder' though (for want of a much more appropriate word).
tallbrunettmom Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 My advice - be glad you got out. I had a boyfriend like that. I thought it was sweet and refreshing that he was so into me and paid me so much attention. He swept me up into this whirlwind relationship in which we have since married. He lied about numerous things and I'm still finding out how much he never exposed before we tied the knot. Now I'm sorry I let him talk me into rushing into a marriage when really we knew very little about eachother. People who rush things usually are rushing for a reason. They either don't want you to figure out who they really are or they are terribly insecure - and usually both!
Star Gazer Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Right...like a serial-monogamist, no matter how short/long term the relationship is?? Like I said - she defines herself by her relationships. Have you seen "Runaway Bride"? I bet she even takes her eggs as her BF does... I used to have this problem, so I recognize it.
Author Chaser Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Right...like a serial-monogamist, no matter how short/long term the relationship is?? Like I said - she defines herself by her relationships. Have you seen "Runaway Bride"? I bet she even takes her eggs as her BF does... I used to have this problem, so I recognize it. I'm with you now How did you get through it Star Gazer? And what made you realise that you were doing it? The reason I ask, is because initially after the break-up I found myself almost exhibiting the same behaviours as her. Not necessarily throwing myself into a new relationship - but obsessing over her, and convincing myself that she was 'perfect' depsite the fact that deep-down I knew that she was wrong for me. It kind of freaked me a little...because this is not something I've usually had a problem with. tallbrunettmom - Yeah, I think I definitely dodged a bullet...it would have been *very* easy to caught up in the moment though. I'm viewing this whole thing as a very necessary lesson.
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