climbergirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 The entire burden? Of writing a few checks every month? I know I'm mostly sympathetic to this guy because a very similar thing happened to me, but it almost seems like you guys really think she's blameless here and it's all his fault for not checking up on her. My exH told me that the reason he never stepped up and helped with money and lied to me about how much he was making and whether or not he was paying off his credit cards and doing his taxes was because I enabled him to be that way. I made it WAY too easy for him to float along, and my ability to handle everything made him feel bad about himself and so he really shouldn't have to share anything with me anyway. Was he right too? No, he wasn't right. The OP had the rug pulled from underneath him.........Is it so wrong to assume that your spouse is conducting him/herself in the 'best interest' of their family/relationship? Unfortunately, in this case is was, but only in retrospect. I can understand his anger............very hurtful to trust someone and then be fu**ing blindsided!
aleatoryd Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I don't think it's a case of your wife being a "thief" but I understand why you feel betrayed by her. The thing is as other posters have said 30k over 18 years doesn't look *so* bad. If she is really bad with money it relly is too easy to start running up debt and it snowballs. She needs counselling for debt problems as I'd suspect it all became too much for her. Understand that she probably couldn't deal with it and so it all became too much for her. Also over here in the UK the average debt is about 6k. I know people who only earn 17k and have 8k debts so that's almost 50% beyond their total income. If you look at it in proportion to income and expenditure it probably isn't that much. The issue is getting through this thing together and putting safeguards in place to ensure it never happens again. Communication is the first step and you really need to understand that half of the problem was you not keeping an eye on your finances. We live in a debt culture so it's a part of everyday life. Oh and unless you have reasons to be suspicious I wouldn't think this situation was any worse than bad decision making on her part. If it was $30k over 18 years it's not a major amount. If it was $30k in the last year then she should know where it went! How much of you income do you give her? And if it's nearly all of it that sounds like A LOT to be getting through. If it's only a certain amount maybe your family are overspending.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 The entire burden? Of writing a few checks every month? I know I'm mostly sympathetic to this guy because a very similar thing happened to me, but it almost seems like you guys really think she's blameless here and it's all his fault for not checking up on her. My exH told me that the reason he never stepped up and helped with money and lied to me about how much he was making and whether or not he was paying off his credit cards and doing his taxes was because I enabled him to be that way. I made it WAY too easy for him to float along, and my ability to handle everything made him feel bad about himself and so he really shouldn't have to share anything with me anyway. Was he right too? I'm not defending her actions or saying she's blameless. I'm just trying to think why in the world she would do this?? Actually, it is a burden when there is not enough money and you have to scramble to cover checks, make sure there is money for groceries, etc. Regardless if it's a few checks a month, if you can't cover them, it's stressful. I know alot of men, in the older generation who just put that off on their wives. After all, the wife didn't work and the man didn't want to be involved in the money- as long as he had what he wanted to spend. I wonder if perhaps she was overwhelmed and asked for help??? I can't know and neither can you- because she is not here giving her side of the story. I also understand that he was upset- but I think it was harsh to call her a name and say it was HIS money. Even though he worked and she stayed home, she still made a contribution to the household and it should have been THEIR money.
hotgurl Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 but even if she was overwelmed why didn't she say anything before it got to 30k in debt. When it started snowballing why didn't she say something? If they were living above thier means why didn't she say soemthing? MY BF and I do the bills together and at least once a month have a quick chat about money etc.. We both know eveything is being paid and each have our own spending money. That being said we don't pool our money.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 but even if she was overwelmed why didn't she say anything before it got to 30k in debt. When it started snowballing why didn't she say something? If they were living above thier means why didn't she say soemthing? MY BF and I do the bills together and at least once a month have a quick chat about money etc.. We both know eveything is being paid and each have our own spending money. That being said we don't pool our money. She should have said something, but what if she did???? and he didn't respond?? I asked him this question earlier in the thread like did she ever ask for help or ask you to take over and I never got a reply. Like I said, not defending her actions at all, just thinking of what would make someone do this.
hotgurl Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 She should have said something, but what if she did???? and he didn't respond?? I asked him this question earlier in the thread like did she ever ask for help or ask you to take over and I never got a reply. Like I said, not defending her actions at all, just thinking of what would make someone do this. That is true she could have said something and he didn't hear her. I think is really bad when partners don't have good communication. You should be able to talk to each other about finaces and plan your finacial affiars & future as a team. I had one relationship where I trusted the guy to pay rent & cable and he always swore up and down that he did I found out he didn't when we were evicted. Now with my BF we do everything together and talk about money and our goals etc.. I like it much better. I would recommend finacial counseling & marriage counseling. There might be a deeper issue besides the $$.
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