THIEF robbed me blind !

[Dvl_dwg]

I dont know if this is the right place, but Im in serious need of venting and I need help.

 

Let me first say that up until 2 weeks ago, I always considered my wife the best thing since sliced bread. The perfect spouse. She fulfilled every sexual and emotional need I ever had. The perfect wife and mother. 18 yrs married.

 

Then I found out she was robbing me blind. Ran our finances into the ground. She is $30K in credit card debt (she does not work) and is behind on almost everything. I take partial blame for allowing her to run our finances. I never bothered looking into my checking or savings accounts. We have no money in the bank. She borows from one card to pay the other etc... The wierd thing is that she has nothing to show for any of it. No clothes, jewels, nothing.

 

After the big blow out, Ive decided to forgive her and work on getting this monkey off our backs. We have two young sons. Im exploring filing chapter 7 or 13. It depends on how that will hurt my credit.

 

The problem is that evertime I look at her. I want to scream. Everytime I get the mail I want to choke her. Im still feeling angry and betrayed but dont want to divorce.

 

Is my relationship dead? Will it ever be back to the way it was?

[catgirl1927]

Cheating is the betrayal that gets the most press, but I divorced over lies about money. This is a very serious thing. It's a betrayal of your trust and has put in jeopardy the future of your family.

 

Some people just never grow up and realize the value of money. If you don't know how hard it is to earn a dollar and everything is just handed to you, then you don't appreciate it. It could be that, or it could be that she's just irresponsible and selfish.

 

You are completely justified in feeling this way. She needs to admit what she's done and deal with the consequences. Is it possible for her to get a job? Maybe some time doing crappy work for low pay would cure her of her overspending.

 

But counselling, definitely. Don't let anyone tell you this isn't a serious problem.

[blind_otter]

I take partial blame for allowing her to run our finances. I never bothered looking into my checking or savings accounts. We have no money in the bank. She borows from one card to pay the other etc... The wierd thing is that she has nothing to show for any of it. No clothes, jewels, nothing.

 

Ostensibly you wouldn't need to check on your own finances, but I have no idea why you wouldn't. That makes absolutely no sense.

 

Call me crazy, but I earn the money, I manage it, or at least check on what's going on every month or so. Don't you ever look at your bank statements? You just handed her your check every 2 weeks for the past 18 years, and never balanced your checkbook? Never created an IRA or a savings account?

 

How did you spend your money? Did you just have a card that you used, and you never looked at the credit card statements?

[tinktronik]

Well, if she wasn't buying jewles or expensive things for herself . Perhaps she was spending it on things for the both of you.Is it possible you all spent this money together?

[bab]

Your relationship really depends on your ability to forgive, and her willingness to help get you back on track.

 

Obviously, cut up the credit cards, and take over the finances. Have her get a job. How old are your boys? If they are in school she could work part time during the day, or if they aren't, nights when you get home from work.

[BeFree]

I have to ask, why did you have absolutely no idea this wasgoing on. How can you just hand someone your paycheck and not participate at all in your fiancial planning?? You have to look at yourself here also.

 

I recomend you find out what the money was being spent on. Were you both living beyond your means? Perhaps some credit counseling is in order. And Obviously from now on you may want to take a more active role in how your money is being spent.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Im exploring filing chapter 7 or 13. It depends on how that will hurt my credit.

 

Declaring bankruptcy is going to hurt your credit, period. And it's not all that easy to do anymore, either, not since the new legislation. Under the old Chapter 13 law, you paid what you could for 3 years, and whatever you couldn't pay after that, it was "forgiven" and your record wiped clean. But now, with the new law, whatever debt you run up, you are responsible for - period - no matter how long it takes you to pay it off, no matter what circumstances you have. It's brutal.

 

If you do manage to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, the item will stay on your credit report for 7 to 10 years. You won't be able to take out a loan for anything - or if you do, you'll be facing huge interest rates and fees. In some cases, you can't even get a checking account at a bank! (I know - I was a victim of a horrible rating process called Chexsystems after my divorce, and I couldn't get a bank account until last month. My divorce was in 2001!!!)

 

My advice to you is this: it's time to wise up and get finance-smart. Contact your local credit counseling service - do NOT fall for those "get rich quick" schemes or "repair your credit the EZ way" crap - the only thing that repairs a credit rating, unfortunately, is time. I would definitely not let your wife handle any financial matters anymore - she has proven herself totally irresponsible. Cut up your credit cards - all of them - into tiny little pieces. Visit some websites dealing with finance - The Motley Fool is a good place to start, along with Clark Howard's website (Google them, they'll come up).

 

Credit cards are nothing more than loans - most people just see the pretty little card and think it's a passkey to do whatever they want to do - but let's face it, it's a loan, and loans have to be paid back. With the new financial laws, they'll make damned sure they get their money, even if you suffer in the process.

 

I wish you luck. Let us know how things turn out.

 

- pde.

[Dvl_dwg]

Its obvious that I was a big @$$.

 

To answer some of your questions...No. We were not living beyond our means. My 6 figure salary is more than enough to pay the bills and then some.

 

What she was doing with the money, I have no idea. She swears no drugs, gambling or alcohol. She wsaid it just got away from her. Always thinking she could catch up.

 

As for me not checking my finanaces. I was an idiot. I just stuck my head in the sand.

[Kenyth]

Don't go blaming her for everything! You should have had a general idea of your finances! Shame on you as well! If you don't know what your finances are, how in the hell do you know what you can spend? With no expensive toys to show for it, it must be the day to day expenses, or consumables. What are your spending habits? Do you spend $100 a week on unneccessary stuff? Do you eat out often? It's very easy to go into debt buying stuff for "the house". Furniture, lawn and landscaping stuff, childrens clothing, etc. can all be very expensive as well as relentless. Since having children and the passing of 18 years, you may be completely out of touch on your standard of living capabilities.

[PuppyDogEyes]

To answer some of your questions...No. We were not living beyond our means. My 6 figure salary is more than enough to pay the bills and then some.

 

You say that you aren't living beyond your means, but let's stop and think a second. Think of your daily routine. For example:

 

Do you eat meals out, or do you prepare them at home?

How often do you stop at Starbucks for a coffee?

When you grocery shop, do you use coupons, or buy generic products?

Do you shop at places like Family Dollar or Target?

 

These questions might seem ridiculous, at first - but you see, I tried it for myself. For example: I used to stop at Starbucks every morning for a nice, tall cuppa. That nice, tall cuppa cost me 4.00 every day. Fine, you think, 4 bucks is 4 bucks. But.... over time that 4 bucks can turn into insanity.

 

4 bucks a day x 5 days a week = 20 a week x 4 weeks a month = 80 bucks!

 

EIGHTY dollars a month for coffee??? Holy crap. I got smart and started bringing my coffee in a Thermos from home. Yeah, okay, so it's not as "hip" or trendy, but that 80 bucks a month I spent on it is doing quite nicely in a high-yield savings account right now, too, isn't it?

 

Same thing with the dollar stores. I pay 3.50 for brand-name laundry detergent at Dollar General, while the same person who picks it up at Walmart pays 6.00. See what I'm saying?

 

You might not think you can do much more to scrimp, but I'll tell you what - I'm the scrimping queen - I can make meals out of 75 cents. You just don't want to know!!!

 

Seriously, though, start thinking hard about what little things you can do to cut down expenses, for a start. Have cable television? Get rid of it (it's all crap anyway, IMHO). Broadband? Might have to make do with dialup for a while.

 

Start figuring up your credit card bills, then start paying off the highest amounts (with the highest interest charges first) - don't worry about the other ones, just concentrate on the worst one and DOUBLE, TRIPLE pay it! You'll be done a lot quicker that way than trying to spread all the payments out.

 

There's lots of things you can do for a start. Feeling helpless and upset is okay, for a while - I don't blame you and I remember when it happened to me. But there's a time where you have to start getting angry - and when you get angry, that's when you take action to solve the problem.

 

And no, do not blame all of this on your wife. It took two to make the problem happen. What you need to do now is join forces, the two of you, to make the problem go away.

 

- pde.

[blind_otter]

Its obvious that I was a big @$$.

 

To answer some of your questions...No. We were not living beyond our means. My 6 figure salary is more than enough to pay the bills and then some.

 

What she was doing with the money, I have no idea. She swears no drugs, gambling or alcohol. She wsaid it just got away from her. Always thinking she could catch up.

 

As for me not checking my finanaces. I was an idiot. I just stuck my head in the sand.

 

Then perhaps its a bit unfair to call your wife a thief, being that you abdicated your financial responsibilities, for whatever reason.

[catgirl1927]

You said she couldn't tell you where the money went. Are you SURE it's not something she's not telling you? Is it possible she has a gambling problem or something like that she's not telling you about?

 

All these other posters do have a good point. It's hard to get 30K in debt without knowing what it went to. You've admitted you were clueless and let her handle things with blind trust, which hindsight has shown was a mistake. That's done and you can't undo it. But you can be aware of what's going on enough to stop it in the future. It might serve you well to find some old credit card statements. The CC company can provide all of that to you. Some research would probably serve you well in preventing this problem in the future, so you can see where that money went...

[Mz. Pixie]

Puppy Dog has given you good advice here, Dvl.

 

Lots of times you or a consumer credit counselor (there may be a free one at your local credit bureau office) can negotiate for smaller payments or balances. Because they would rather get some money than none most of the time.

 

They have modified the bankruptcy laws in the US-which badly needed it and it's harder to file than it used to be. There has to be a definite need in most cases especially for Chapter 7- because in that situation you give up your collateral or reaffirm with the debts you want to pay- like you house or car. Running up credit cards is not a good excuse. Usually the only acceptable excuses are- death of a spouse, severe illness not covered by medical insurance, loss of job for a long period of time, etc.

 

Consumer credit counselors. She can get a job to help pay the debts too.

[Kenyth]

It's the disposable income that gets ya every time! Everyone thinks, "I can cut back on that wasted money every month. That way, I can afford a bigger house and better car!". So, they buy a bigger house than they should, or a better car. It never occurs to most that some of that unbudgeted spending is necessary and that life is an awful bore when you don't get to go out and do anything. Now, they're living paycheck to paycheck on an executive salary, and using plastic to pick up the little extras.

[Alexandra]

Then perhaps its a bit unfair to call your wife a thief, being that you abdicated your financial responsibilities, for whatever reason.

 

Great point.

 

And I for one still don't understand where several tens of thousands can just vanish.... Sounds strange.

[Dvl_dwg]

Trust me when I tell you we are not living above my means. I will soon find out since I have taken away all her access to any funds.

 

There are lots of valid points being made here. I do take some responsibility because of my inaction. I am suprised at some of the comments. I have to ask one question of some of you.

 

When someone makes a post about finding out a spouse has been cheating on them, do you question them as to why they let thier spouse go out with the boys/girls ? Why didnt you check up on them to make sure thats what they were doing? Do imply that it was thier fault ? I hope not. When you trust someone these things dont enter your mind. Your spouse is going golfing. Do you stop them? Do you call his/her friends and check on thier alibi ?

 

This is no different. I trusted her.

[tallbrunettmom]

As a woman in a marriage I can understand the situation. I love to shop. I compensate my problems and neglect with new shoes and clothes. Maybe she had some issues you were unaware of and she used money to buy some semblence of happiness???

[catgirl1927]

I agree with you, in rereading I think you were attacked for trusting her. No one attacks someone for being clueless about a cheating spouse and this really isn't much different.

 

I think you're going to find out that she's been lying about what she was spending the money on. I still don't know where all my ex's money went, he will lie to me forever, and I just don't care any more. Now his money is going to pay the credit cards and back taxes he WASN'T paying on while I was supporting him.

[Mz. Pixie]

Perhaps she has been shopping to compensate for something she feels is missing? That's another thought. I had a friend who did that. Her husband was gone all the time and she just shopped to make herself feel good. She hid bills from him, etc- even going as far as to set up a PO Box for herself to get bills and send bills to her moms. She took care of the checkbook so as long as he didn't see the mail, he didn't question it. She did finally end up coming clean to him and they worked together to pay the bills off. It took three years but they are doing better than ever.

 

When I was married the first time my husband left all of the bill paying to me, but he was a spender. He would often call me to tell me he spent $300.00 out of our checking account- when I had paid bills with that money. So I would have to scramble to cover the check he'd already written to keep it from bouncing by charging items or getting cash advances. It just snowballed out of control. The difference in our situations is that I begged him to sit down and go over the bills with me- to take over paying them or us pay them together and he would refuse. I finally just gave up and told him they wouldn't get paid until he paid them because I was tired of cleaning up all his financial messes. All he cared about was that he made good money- and he wondered where it went. Well it went to bills and shoes and clothes for his kids- and to cover his hobbies- I certainly never spent it on myself.

 

So, DD are you saying that she never asked for your help or expressed concern as to the way your financial situation was going??

[blind_otter]

 

This is no different. I trusted her.

 

Well actually it is different. If you were the head of a department in a company, and you paid no attention to your accounting personnel, and they stole money from you, the fact that they stole money doesn't detract from the personal negligence.

 

When my exH and I split up I was left with all of our credit card debt. I'm bitter about how he f***ed me over, but I take the responsibility for my own negligence.

 

The difference is that it is expected that you trust a partner regarding fidelity, but it's your choice whether to trust them with your property.

 

The thing is, I can understand trusting, but not to the extent that you did.

 

So I was just calling foul on you proclaiming your wife a THIEF in the thread title. It smacks of the culture of victimhood.

 

But your take and my take are different, that should be OK. It's also your choice whether or not to be offended, but IMO, I think the whole bible verse that says "do not point out the splinter in your brother's eye, ignoring the log in y our own" kind of applies.

[slinkysu]

check her clothes labels - if they are expensive then it is very easy to get into debt very quickly. Some designer shoes can cost hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. She may like the higher quality fashions or trends and just not had enough thought as to what she was spending or how to pay it off. 18 years is a long time to get into debt as well. That's less than $2000 a year. That's not a huge credit debt initially, but not paynig it leads to bank charges etc - maybe the original debt wasn't that big but the interest and charges just escalated. It isn't difficult to get massively into debt, but it is good that you are now aware of the situation.

 

Go through the statements, find out when the problem started, when things weren't paid off and when charges were made and identify where the problem began.

 

I can understand your hurt and this must be a very difficult time for you. I don't know if your trust can be mended, that is a decision only you can make, but i am sorry for your troubles as financial stress can really take a toll on a person physically and emotionally and I hope you work out your issues with your wife.

[PuppyDogEyes]

Trust me when I tell you we are not living above my means. I will soon find out since I have taken away all her access to any funds.

 

Probably a very good idea at this point, Dvl.

 

Do imply that it was thier fault ? I hope not. When you trust someone these things dont enter your mind. Your spouse is going golfing. Do you stop them? Do you call his/her friends and check on thier alibi ?

 

This is no different. I trusted her.

 

I'm sorry that you feel that people were attacking you - I certainly wasn't. I do, however, think that the title of your post was probably written in anger and in the heat of the moment. Some are simply pointing out that you seem to be willing to let your wife take the "heat" for this.

 

The truth is that both of you are to blame for the situation that you are in. You, for not paying more attention to finances - and her, for spending what you don't have.

 

So now that that's out of the way, let's work on fixing the problem. Playing the "blame game" isn't going to solve it, nor will it provide an education for your children or security for yourselves.

 

As a woman in a marriage I can understand the situation. I love to shop. I compensate my problems and neglect with new shoes and clothes. Maybe she had some issues you were unaware of and she used money to buy some semblence of happiness???

 

tallbrunettmom (and Mz. P, since she expressed similarly), you have great points. Dvl, could it be possible that she's unhappy about some things in her life? Only you could say for sure - you know her better than any of us - but sometimes women do use shopping as a way to avoid problems, just like compulsive eating. Have a lot of new clothes or shoes shown up in the closet? Or "things" for the house? New hairstyle, maybe? Things for the children? The credit card bills will tell you, of course. Find out where that money's going, because it's not disappearing simply into thin air.

 

I really don't think that "trust" is part of the problem here, but a communication breakdown. If you didn't have much to do with the financial situation in your home, she might have gotten an impression that everything was okay and that her spending habits could continue on the path that they were on. After all, if you don't know something is wrong, how can you make an attempt to correct it?

 

So now is your chance to repair that breakdown. Yes, you're going to have a tough time ahead financially. Yes, you have every right to be angry about this. But in truth, this might be a chance to make your marriage stronger than it ever was before. It's going to take joint effort - the two of you - to set this right.

 

And I think you can do it.

 

- pde.

[catgirl1927]

I would venture to say that he probably called her a thief because he was SO frustrated with the situation. Sometimes when you're angry you characterize things in a very extreme way.

 

But, I am VERY sympathetic to this because of the way my exH screwed me over with money. I never shared an account or a credit card with him, though, because I never really trusted him that much. If we'd shared an account, I would have kept very careful track of it. That's probably why he never pushed me to combine our money.

 

I still think he's going to find out that the money wasn't spent on expensive clothes and dining out or other things they share. I think something has to be shady. I mean, 30K. Seriously.

[Mz. Pixie]

Could be..........

 

Perhaps as well she was frustrated that she had to carry the entire burden of paying the bills as well?

[catgirl1927]

Could be..........

 

Perhaps as well she was frustrated that she had to carry the entire burden of paying the bills as well?

 

The entire burden? Of writing a few checks every month?

 

I know I'm mostly sympathetic to this guy because a very similar thing happened to me, but it almost seems like you guys really think she's blameless here and it's all his fault for not checking up on her.

 

My exH told me that the reason he never stepped up and helped with money and lied to me about how much he was making and whether or not he was paying off his credit cards and doing his taxes was because I enabled him to be that way. I made it WAY too easy for him to float along, and my ability to handle everything made him feel bad about himself and so he really shouldn't have to share anything with me anyway. Was he right too?