lostsmile Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I feel like such a hypocrit but I'm so miserable. I had affair with MM for 3 years. I was MW. We worked together and it lasted 3 years. Every time one of us tried to break it off, one of us would break and we would end up back together. We became best friends. He said we were like soulmates. We are both from same small town and both know each others families well. After 3 years, I broke. Both spouses found out. Both marriages stayed together and community and others never found out. It's now 9 years later. We both still have very deep feelings for each other. We started e-mailing each other. He drives past my house every day to work. We set up a meeting two weeks ago. It was like 9 years had never past. All the passion was still there for both of us. We ended up having sex. He told me he still loved me and always will. I told him I still love him. I am very unhappy in my marriage right now and I'm trying not to confuse the two issues. I know I have to resolve issues in my marriage without involving my feelings for the OM. My problem is - I don't know how to let go of him and get past my feelings for him. He has been married 20 years and I've been married 17 years. We live only about 5 miles apart in the country. I don't understand how he can say he loves me and has so many feelings for me and still says he can't leave his marriage. I feel like I've lost my best friend - again. Why did I see him again? I know it's because I'm lonely and for some reason we have always shared something very special. Any advice out there? Is there any way to really have him in my life?
stillafool Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 He may very well love you but he is not going to leave his wife of 20 years. I too am a MW who is on the edge of having an affair with my ex BF who has been married for 23 years. I have been married for 9 yrs but with my H 14. You are right you do need to resolve the issues in your marriage first. But you have to come to the realization that it didn't work for you guys 3 years ago when you had the chance (because both spouses found out) it's not meant for the two of you now. The best way to get over this guy is to not see him, email him or talk to him.
Ladyybug Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 He may very well love you but he is not going to leave his wife of 20 years. I too am a MW who is on the edge of having an affair with my ex BF who has been married for 23 years. I have been married for 9 yrs but with my H 14. You are right you do need to resolve the issues in your marriage first. But you have to come to the realization that it didn't work for you guys 3 years ago when you had the chance (because both spouses found out) it's not meant for the two of you now. The best way to get over this guy is to not see him, email him or talk to him. Sounds like you need to cut your losses. He's not leaving his wife, and if you all were so inseperable you would've been together. Could it be that since you are unhappy now you are desiring him even more? How fair could that be to him. One of you has to be strong and make a move. A step away from the other.
Author lostsmile Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 This guy made such a huge impact in my life and left such a hole in my heart, I don't know how to forget and go on. How do I figure out how to "fall back in love" with my husband and work out our marriage when I still feel so much for this guy. My emotions are with him. I know I'm fooling myself. I know that I have to do what makes me happy and my current marriage doesn't make me happy. I know for a fact that this is the only affair he or I have either one had. Why does he have such a hold on me? Probably because I'm so unhappy at home right now and I know that isn't fair to him right. How do I let go of him?
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 This guy made such a huge impact in my life and left such a hole in my heart, I don't know how to forget and go on. How do I figure out how to "fall back in love" with my husband and work out our marriage when I still feel so much for this guy. My emotions are with him. I know I'm fooling myself. I know that I have to do what makes me happy and my current marriage doesn't make me happy. I know for a fact that this is the only affair he or I have either one had. Why does he have such a hold on me? Probably because I'm so unhappy at home right now and I know that isn't fair to him right. How do I let go of him? If the MM is not involved, would you want to work on your marriage or are you too involved to even decide? For me (I'm a MW and had separated with my H and hooked up with my now xMM shortly after the separation), I wanted out of my marriage because I'd rather be alone than be in the marriage I had. My H and I have now gotten back together and we are learning to be a good partner to each other. Sometimes, I think he's trying harder to please me than the other way around. But I'm workin' on it! I think that for yourself you need to decide if you are willing to work on your M or not. Have you spoken to your H about how unhappy you are in the M? Maybe he doesn't know and if you told him, he may want to work on things with you. If he knows you are unhappy and but unwilling to make changes to make the marriage better for you, then maybe its best you move on as life is worth so much more than to be in an unhappy marriage. It takes two to work on any relationship and each relationship is hard work. Just a word of advice, if I may... I think it would be easier on you to work on one relationship at a time.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 This guy made such a huge impact in my life and left such a hole in my heart, I don't know how to forget and go on. How do I figure out how to "fall back in love" with my husband and work out our marriage when I still feel so much for this guy. My emotions are with him. I know I'm fooling myself. I know that I have to do what makes me happy and my current marriage doesn't make me happy. I know for a fact that this is the only affair he or I have either one had. Why does he have such a hold on me? Probably because I'm so unhappy at home right now and I know that isn't fair to him right. How do I let go of him? Hi! If you have been on LS long enough... you will very soon discover that most of us here on the OW/OM forum have posted what you've posted above one time or another. We all want to move on and get the MM out of our heads.... It is not easy. It takes time. You just have to live one day at a time. Keep yourself occupied. Keep a mantra and use it everytime he comes back in your head. And the most important step of all: Do not, under any circumstances, speak or see your MM again. It is harsh, but that's the ONLY way to heal. Avoid him like the plague... because that's what he is in many ways.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 For starters, maybe think about talking to a therapist just so you can sort out your feelings. It could help you cope better and she/he can guide you in the choices you'll be making in the future.
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