Chaser Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 My short (5 month), intense relationship ended in January and I haven't had any contact with my ex since early March. I have no desire to contact her/be contacted by her and am pretty much healed (NC worked wonders *this* time around). I would like some input about something though. I randomly bumped into my ex's housemate today at a bus-stop and she shared some info about my ex (I didn't ask) but all the same, it didn't affect me as much as I thought it would. She basically said that she doesn't see my ex much as she is always at her new boyfriend's house. They've been seeing each other since not long after the break-up (January). This got me thinking about *our* relationship and some of my ex's behaviour within it. I just wondered if anyone has been out with someone intense/obsessive/insecure who follows patterns in relationships. Some of the behaviours from my relationship with her were: - Asking for a second date in the middle of our first date. - Spending ALL of her time with me (staying at my house 5 nights a week from the 2nd week of our r/s) and losing touch with her friends immediately after we began seeing each other. - Telling me she loved me after 4-5 weeks. - Calling me numerous times after her shifts (mostly after 1am) to see if she could come to my house and stay the night....despite the fact she had to be up early for work the next day - Spontaneously bursting into tears in public (missing me) after I left for a 3 week holiday - Expressing a desire for us to move in together 2 months into the relationship That list probably doesn't do her behaviour justice - let's just say that she was extremely insecure and made it obvious. At the time I thought that her behaviour was quite intense and borderline smothering - but I felt a strong connection and I thought that perhaps she had felt it too and was just expressing it more 'freely' than I. It wasn't until today, when her friend told me that she was spending most of her time with her new boyfriend (and at his house) that it occurred to me that it wasn't necessarily 'us' that was intense...but her behaviour that *made* it intense. She seems to throw herself into things head-first and devotes herself/becomes obsessed with, whomever she is with. This either pushes them away or pulls them in....until she pulls away. I was just wondering if there is a 'term' for this, or if anyone has been out with someone similar? I was glad I ran into her friend to be honest, it opened my eyes in regards to my ex and I realised that a healthy, balanced relationship would probably not have been possible with her until she works on her security. Any input or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
bonny doon Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 one phenomenally hot guy i dated asked me to keep my stuff at his place at the end of our first date. you can guess how long that "relationship" lasted. (three weeks, tops!) i was totally into him, but of course, things that seem too good to be true usually are. he ended up dumping me in front of someone else he had at his place the day after i had been over at his place. wow did that hurt! i still get the trauma shakes thinking about it, and that happened almost a year ago. i have a similar tendency to do what your ex gf did. although i won't spend all my waking hours at someone's place (a little too obsessive), i will want to spend a lot of time with them. especially after sex. sucks. for example (don't mean to change the subject) i am hurting a lot today because this guy whom I thought was really sweet and gentle and caring basically dumped me over the phone last night. guess what. we had sex for the first time last week and i didn't hear from him for several days. note to self (for the thousandth time): do not have sex with guys. because once i have sex with them it opens up a floodgate of emotions ... like, i start swooning and all i can think about is that guy ... i'm like on cloud nine. i should have learned this lesson several relationships ago. f*cking retard i am! i can't believe i fell into the "a**h***-guy-acting-nice-and-kind" trap yet another time. do you know how much it hurts to give yourself to someone else and have them slap you in the face a few days later? of course i'm leaving out a lot of layers to this story that would complicate matters (basically we are both busy people with a lot of obligations and geographical distance) but seriously it just boils down to suddenly being treated poorly by someone who by all accounts seemed decent at the outset. so, sorry to hijack your thread temporarily... just stopped crying early this morning and now i'm trying to concentrate at work. to get back to what you were saying about people who come on way too strong at the beginning, it's a bad sign. but also watch out for women who become emotionally attached after sex (as I'm learning I am one of them). your exgf sounds like a big insecure basket case, and while i am probably not as severe as her (i actually have a life and a lot of obligations like work/hobbies/etc.) i have in the past (when i was fully in love with someone) wanted to just be with them 24-7... but it has generally taken me longer to get to that point. case in point, my last *real* bf, with whom we were together for 1 year. We saw each other 2x a week for most of our relationship. We said the I love you's about 3 months in ... we didn't call each other bf/gf until about 4.5 months in ... towards the end of our 1-year relationship we saw each other 3x, maybe 4x, a week. but we were madly in love and talked on the phone every day. i would say that is about normal ... but then who is to say what is normal. anyway, hope that input helps. if you have any words of encouragement for my situation with the nice-guy-turned-a**h*** (i'm still stinging from our g*ddammned conversation last night which ended with him immaturely hanging up on me, M*f*ker!) that would be awesome...
Numbheart Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Ya know, I've recently experienced this supersonic kind of experience too, was I think the 2nd time its ever happend to me this quick, although the first one was not as quickly as this all happened. Nevertheless, regardless of the short time, the feelings are very real along with the pain of the split....some people told me my feelings are misplaced and cannot be real, all I say is unless you experience it personally, do not dismiss it or think it is not possible to have these feelings so quickly, because it is, especially if you think they are the one! I think my problem was, if I knew it or not at the time, I was actually ready for a full on relationship again, after being single for 18 months by choice. I was convinced by the person I met, that she was also ready for one, even tho she was recently seperated and starting her divorce. When I first saw her, I saw something within her that I have always searched for, thats why I broke the habbit of my lifetime and asked her out.....when she responded with strong feelings towards me so quickly (initiated by her) it blew me off my feet, making me think I was right with my initial thoughts and I started to be swept along with her going so quickly into everything.....however, it did start to make me think I would have to start slowing her down when she started talking about my house and choosing curtains and carpets together (I'm in the middle of decorating), made me feel like she was trying to nest! Our friends told us not to be worried, if things felt natural (which they mostly did) to go with the flow. Apparently she had never gone so fast into a romance before, infact the entire opposite, things had always gone really really slowly for her. However, she then ended it overnight without a sign, saying she had a reality check that she was not ready to deal with a relationship like she thought she was......after her going full bore into one. I know I'm as bad as her for allowing myself to be swept along by it, but boy it was good whilst it was happening, the best thing I have ever gone through, thats whats made the split so hard to deal with. I have had others try to be like this with me, but I have always slowed them down, usually because I was just never as into it as they were, sometimes I was, and slowed it down because I knew it was too quick for what they were asking, sometimes it scared me but not often (usually found it flattering)...once they were slowed down, they became normal and the usual run of time produced the usual problems of compatability and issues with each other. Personally, I dont know if a "high speed" relationship is actually a problem or not, it usually just gets things out in the open much quicker than a "more rounded normal time frame" one does.....sort of saves you time in your life! I would rather have massive highs and lows compared to a flat line, but always thought I was able to cope with the real lows, right until this last split.....the idea of a flat line is still not an option for me, the idea of semi high and low relationship is not that attractive either, but certainly easier to deal with....however, I'd still rather have the "wham" factor of being blown away by someone, experiencing all the highest points possible, its just that they dont come around every day and can take years to find.....when we do find them, maybe we rush into them or try too hard? I think some people have a trait of doing the same thing every time, and with others, it purely depends on their personal situations and time of life. I'm sure some "Pro's" would disagree with me and say its something that happend in their childhood, etc, etc.
MadKurlz Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 ya know, that description of your ex sounds a bit like me. Ive done the same things and its no wonder my man doesnt want to be with me. I think i must fix this insecurity obessive bahavior.
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