He doesn't want to be exclusive

[Fun2BMe]

My entire life is on hold. If I do go running I hold onto my phone instead of listen to my ipod so I can be ready to answer if he calls or texts. I have stopped making any plans with friends in case he should call or want to see me. Sometimes I will take an extra long shower with the hope that it will give time for me to see a call from him when I get out and all I feel is disappointment after checking my mailbox and messages. This past week it has gotten worse at a time when I WANT to pull away from him. It's like the more he gets mad or doesn't pay attention to me when I think I am worthy of it the obsession escalates as though I want him to suddenly realize and care for me and what he is doing.

 

I had a friend call me eariler after I had texted him and I was in a hurry to get off the phone in case he texted me back and I didn't notice. At the same time I WANT to not respond to his text but he is always having the last word. I am always the person giving in and then waiting for him to respond so I can not respond but no matter how I plan it he is always a step ahead of me Am I a hopeless case that has to wait for a long time for change? I feel more and more hurt by the hour of each passing day.

[BeFree]

Only you can change. We can't make you. You know what you need to do. That you need to put back on your IPOD and go out with your friends. And he knows your not and it makes him happy that he has you so wound up. Only you can make your life better. Only you can put a stop to it.

 

Your not hopeless, if you don't want to be.

[Vertex]

It hurts me to constantly see good women caught up with s***bags.

[Guest]

Quote: It is like pulling a badaid off in very slow motion is all I can describe the experience as:

 

Why would live your life like this? I can't imagine you went into the relationship thinking 'well if he treats me like crap I'll be fine with it' but that's what he's doing and you're letting him.

 

You said your life is on hold - why? is his? No, he's seeing other people, getting oral sex from you, not really caring about your feelings - didn't want to talk about stuff and therefore didn't bring it up the other night, gave you an STD... as said earlier getting his cake and eating it too.

 

You wrote down 40 negatives... 40.... 40....

 

you are chasing him, he's probably feeling smothered by all the text messages/emails and that you respond instantiously.

 

You worry consistently that he hasn't called/emailed/texted.... you're putting your life on hold for someone you wrote 40 negatives about...

 

He's SO not worth it.

 

do you think it will change? Are you willing to go through another month/six months/year of all this emotional drama and exhaustion (which I can imagine it is), it's not meant to be hard, relationship are meant to grow, be about love, people supporting each other, wanting to be together.... are you getting this from this relationship? do you think you ever will?

 

Be strong, you don't want to be treated like this

 

I know that you want him to see sense, realise that your fantastic and the best thing in his life.... unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen. I would love my ex boyfriend to get on a plane and surprise me in London and tell me he loves me and wants to be with me but really it's not going to happen... i have to let it go (and I am so I know it's hard).

 

I recommend deleting his number from your phone and doing anything you can to put time and emotional distance between you and him, do a course, get a new hobby, turn off the phone etc etc. As well as the list of pros and cons I would write a list of what I want from a relationship (love/trust/honest/laugh etc) and see how many of those you're getting from this relationship.

 

Remember it's not going to change unless you change it (as he's fine with the way it is and your not).

[whichwayisup]

Take this day by day...Start off by allowing yourself ONE hour NOT to be around to check calls/messages/emails. Then, the next day, increase it to TWO hours...And so on.

 

You have to get out of the habit of making him the center of your universe. It's so engraved in your head, you need help undoing the habit and changing your way of thinking. it's just a process you HAVE to deal with if you want to get over your obsession with him.

 

Seems that list helped you, until he paid abit of attention to you - And then all the work you did flew out the window.....You know this already, so, try again. Keep READING that list. And believing that you WILL get over him and he won't be able to have all that control over you anymore. You'll be free!

 

Stop putting yourself in that place where you're going to get hurt. If he calls you, and leaves a message - That message will be there for you when you're back home. It's NOT an emergency to get back to him ASAP. Same goes with emails/text messages.

 

Stay strong, stay positive. You CAN do this!! Don't give up on yourself!!

[BeFree]

Take this day by day...Start off by allowing yourself ONE hour NOT to be around to check calls/messages/emails. Then, the next day, increase it to TWO hours...And so on.

 

You have to get out of the habit of making him the center of your universe. It's so engraved in your head, you need help undoing the habit and changing your way of thinking. it's just a process you HAVE to deal with if you want to get over your obsession with him.

 

Seems that list helped you, until he paid abit of attention to you - And then all the work you did flew out the window.....You know this already, so, try again. Keep READING that list. And believing that you WILL get over him and he won't be able to have all that control over you anymore. You'll be free!

 

 

 

Stop putting yourself in that place where you're going to get hurt. If he calls you, and leaves a message - That message will be there for you when you're back home. It's NOT an emergency to get back to him ASAP. Same goes with emails/text messages.

 

Stay strong, stay positive. You CAN do this!! Don't give up on yourself!!

 

 

WWIU, this is great advice. I like the one hour a day idea. Fun, WWIU has given you great advice. Make sure you try it out.

[Fun2BMe]

Thank you for the continued support and excellent suggestions. This is one of the most difficult times I have gone through to peel away from this man who has complete control over me. I check and check my email and messages every few minutes but I took your advice WWIU to block out an hour not to.

 

I got a book to read and turned off the sound on my phone and placed it in my office with the computer and went to the living room. The problem was I kept coming in the room every few minutes to check still. Finally I got absorbed in my book and told myself no, I can't. An hour went by (ok almost) and I went to check my phone and I have a missed call from him! and a voicemail! I have not listened to the message yet and feel extreme anxiety for not calling him back yet. I am going to give it some time and am taking the advice above to write down things I want to have in a relationship, that I am settling not to have.

 

This is so difficult but I guess it's not supposed to be easy. Once I honestly was caught up and it took me a while to call him back and he got very upset saying he doesn't like that when he does that to me, sometimes never returns my calls so I am scared to upset him still on the one hand and on the other I am telling myself WHO CARES if I do when he is making me so miserable and I should be deleting his number if not changing mine to begin with.

[CaterpillarGirl]

You are doing good.

 

Maybe make some plans with other friends and go out. Distraction will help.

[Fun2BMe]

I finally listened to his message and he had left a very sweet message but I resisted calling back. I have not heard from him since and it's tempting to contact him especially I feel so lonely being alone on the weekend. Instead I bought some paint to paint my bathroom and other projects.

 

I am spending like crazy online. I am convincing myself that it is the price I am paying if that's what it takes to do the right thing by not contacting him. It's so hard though. I hope I make it through the weekend. It hurts that he didn't follow up to see why I haven't contacted him. It's hard to believe he doesn't really love me when he said he did but I guess I am learning actions speak louder than words and not to get fooled.

[Alexandra-Girl]

dating... almost 3 months now ...he said that he is dating other women as well and doesn't want to be exclusive with me...said he loves me too.

 

he also gets together with other women. He said that it is not ok for me to be with other men...set a double standard?

 

I am so sorry to have to write this, but you need to see it. Look at the quote above revised. You have been dating less than 3 months. You love him. He dates others (without having established this information before you fell in love???) He dates other women, you are NOT to date other men. DOUBLE STANDARD is correct! This is a huge red flag for several reasons.

 

1) Your independence and choice is being squashed because he can't handled the thought of you enjoying the same freedom of *fish* as he is. It's not jealousy, it's he wants he cake, icing, candles, chocolate flakes, and the cherry (which is you). CONTROL

 

2) This is the first you have heard of him dating others (no your friends telling you does not count -- just him). Where is the forthrightness on his part? If you tell him you don't want to date others, you just feed into his ego. NOT TRANSPARENT

 

3) He doesn't want to loose another *fish* dinner (regardless of intimacy or not). Saying I love you back but conducting actions as he does is contradictory at the very least. DISRESPECTFUL

 

Those are just some thoughts to ponder. Leaving a man you love is hard, but staying with the man you love and losing your-self in the end is HARDER. The choice ultimately is yours.

I wish you good luck

Sorry this might have been harsh.

[Fun2BMe]

I wish you good luck

Thanks.

Sorry this might have been harsh.

It's strange but the more harsh comments I am getting, the more I am able deal better with the situation. It removes me away from the fantasy scenerio I was believing in and forces me to think of the harsh reality that I was either not seeing or ignoring. This allows me to feel anger and is making it easier to resist calling him whereas last week I would only miss him and after a short period feel all the mushy emotions and end up contacting him like crazy to make up for the period I had been NC with him.

 

I literally woke up with so much angry feelings towards him this morning and your post reenforced the reality whereas last week I'd wake up missing him regretting I had not contacted him even if it was for a day and so difficult to do. Even my friends would comment harshly on him with the few little things I chose to tell/vent to them about then I would shut my mouth thinking they don't understand. Now I am getting reality feedback I can read and it is gradually sinking in so thanks again for all the help. It feels like I was duped by a conartist and it hurts that he was lying and now doesn't care. I want to get the imagery of him with another girl out of my head. Obviously he is with someone else now that I am not contacting him and I doubt he is thinking of me and missing me. I feel like strangling him but I will hope to succeed in not ever talking to him again.

[whichwayisup]

I am so proud of you for going through that hour and then resisting calling him back! That is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself too.

 

It's all baby steps and gaining confidence. Time is on your side.

 

I want to get the imagery of him with another girl out of my head. Obviously he is with someone else now that I am not contacting him and I doubt he is thinking of me and missing me. I feel like strangling him but I will hope to succeed in not ever talking to him again

 

This is good though, the fact you that you're aware he IS with other women and more than likely not thinking of you. And if he IS thinking of you with those other women and tells you about it - You can assume he's thinking of them while with you. See how f***ed up this situation is? It's just not a healthy place for you to be in.

 

Eventually you will get to the point where you can tell him NOT to call you again and that you'd rather not be in his company. Then, you go into NC completely.

 

PS, thanks Befree for the compliment! I think Fun is getting great advice from all of us, harsh words too! Sometimes it's those harsh words that ring the most in our heads and let us open the eyes more.

[BeFree]

Yeah, Fun sounds like you are starting to go through the anger stage. This is the time to really see what he has done to you. Your doing good. Hang in there. You will get through this and back to your old self in no time.

[Fun2BMe]

I am so mad and hurt but I can't believe I am actually over him. I hate him so much. I am going to write a letter to ask him to mail back one of my DVDs I left at his house a while back. Should I ask him to mail back all of the gifts I have given him too? I gave him a lot of DVDs and books worth a lot. I feel like writing an email saying I wouldn't have wasted my time and money on him had I known what an a-hole he is and to mail back all the books and dvds to me.

 

Yes they're his now but he might be forced to feel to give in and if he doesn't at least he might feel like a jerk. Should I? I am so angry I wish I could beat up on him or something.

 

He emailed Saturday night asking why I haven't been callling back. Then he supposedly had called Friday afternoon and when I said I never got that message (I honestly didn't) and made up excuses for not calling before, he emailed back "F*** OFF!!!" I have been so shocked and hurt. I wrote back another email telling him off and that has been the end of that. I wish instead of just ignoring him that I had been the first to tell him to f-off so he doesn't think he he's all that and he's the one choosing not to be with me which is how he has turned it to. I'm glad he did that because it was the last straw and I've gone from anger/kinda miss to HATE HATE HATE.

[Walk]

He emailed Saturday night asking why I haven't been callling back. Then he supposedly had called Friday afternoon and when I said I never got that message (I honestly didn't) and made up excuses for not calling before, he emailed back "F*** OFF!!!" I have been so shocked and hurt. I wrote back another email telling him off and that has been the end of that. I wish instead of just ignoring him that I had been the first to tell him to f-off so he doesn't think he he's all that and he's the one choosing not to be with me which is how he has turned it to. I'm glad he did that because it was the last straw and I've gone from anger/kinda miss to HATE HATE HATE.

I think he KNOWS what an ass he is, and he was expecting this. Probably because you aren't the first woman to wise up, and he HATES that he isn't controlling you any more. Drives him insane. Instead of being a Man, he acted like a spoiled little boy. He didn't get his way, so he's taking his toys away. An ass who didn't get to use you and kill you with his std's, so he's taking his shell of a life away.

 

You might not have been able to tell him off first, but you have the last laugh. He will never have a life he enjoys, no matter how many women fill it. He hates himself, deep down inside. You've just reiterated to him that other people see how decayed he is, and his lies and deception don't hide it.

 

I wouldn't ask for anything back, he won't send them anyway. Personally, I'd send one that said please burn anything associated with me. The thought of you makes me want to puke. And leave it at that. But that might not be the wisest thing to do.

 

You were really strong in the way you've handled this.

[BeFree]

Actually by ignoring him, you did win. He knows that's why he flipped out.

 

I don't think you should ask for the gift back, just your CD. If you ask for the others it makes it look like you care too much. The one who cares less is truly over the other.

 

Did you let him know you don't appreciate the special gift of an STD he gave you?

 

BTW, congrats, you are one step closer to getting your life back!

[Fun2BMe]

Did you let him know you don't appreciate the special gift of an STD he gave you?

If there's any lesson I leanred it is not to trust men as much as I did to allow him to talk me into not using a condom. I was itching/having a foul smell down there and discharching a thick fluid convinced I had an STD and depressed over it until I went to the doctor. She said I had a very bad case of a yeast infection and prescribed a cream. What a wake up call.

 

I learned how weak and blinded I could become over a man. Even when I thought it was an STD I was not going to tell him so I wouldn't "rock the boat." How whipped and weak and pathetic can someone get? I swear to God if it wasn't for the support here, I promise you I would still be all over him, obsessing whenever he didn't call and gobbling up any crumbs he'd throw my way. I can't thank you all enough for wisening me up.

 

Once I finally saw you were right, I didn't think I'd have the strength to do anything about it but the constant support allowed me to not call back and boy did I see his true colors come out, really really fast too.

 

I guess you are right that I shouldn't ask for the gifts back. Even if he didn't return them I thought it would show that I don't care about him. He knew how into him I have been and I thought it would prove that I am over him, plus I wanted to have the opportunity to call him an a-hole;) (keep in mind I am not one to use such language ordinarily).

 

BTW, congrats, you are one step closer to getting your life back!

Thank you, thank you.

[Mary3]

I had recently becoming involved with someone who was not meeting my needs. The only difference is : I know what I want and because I was not receiving what I needed to be happy , I had to end it.

 

But it was because I was STRONG inside and don't tolerate alot of crap. Once you become strong and know who you are , you will be able to do this.

 

It was hard for me ~a dissapointment really, but I stopped answering his calls. I did give him a final message though.

 

Recently met someone who DOES meet alot of my needs and we shall see where this goes...

 

The part where he told you he did not want to be exclusive : He is simply saying :" I want to be able to sleep with other women so I am telling you that so you don't wonder where I am tuesday , wednesday, thursday and friday night when in Reality I should be with you ".

 

If he said : ":Hey we are new and we both are still dating others and so this is where we stand " then that might gel right. But telling you not to sleep with others and he is doing so is just bullcrap.

 

The LIES lies and LiES all are still the same : L I E S ....you can change it how you want but it still comes back looking like a lie.

He is lying to them. He is lying to you. He is getting pu**y simply put. Plenty of it and I am very sorry to say he gave you that STD. Get to the doc,.get your meds, get strong and heal your wounds . Once you have cleared it up and are feeling better . you can begin to date again.

 

Did you know that oral sex is one of/ many ways of tranmission / receiving an STD ? I am not a doctor so your best bet is to look this up . I know that I have heard that. If you have any sores in your mouth and you give him oral it may be a way to get the STD in your system.

 

That had to be hard to choke on when you knew he had given you an STD and you....I just can't even fathom what that must have been like for you.

[Fun2BMe]

I think he KNOWS what an ass he is, and he was expecting this. Probably because you aren't the first woman to wise up, and he HATES that he isn't controlling you any more.

The problem is that I am not so sure if he KNOWS what an ass he is. He thinks he's god's gift to women. I wish I had an opportunity to reaally give him a piece of my mind. He may have felt I was upset at him so when he asked and I responded with being busy with this and that projects, his response to my shock and horror was "F*** OFF!!!". I called and he didn't pick up and I wrote back telling hiim to never contact me again and so on and he didn't respond to that. Very amazing how he could say he loves me one moment and this the next. I didn't get an opportunity to speak up and that's my fault for not having been strong enough. I think that's why I am looking for an excuse to write to him, such as to return the DVD so I can call him an a-hole because I don't know if he realizes HE is the ass.

 

That's an interesting observation that he hates that he isn't controlling me any more. I used to call and write back immediately and all week I wasn't and it resulted in a speedy "F-OFF". Amazing.

[BeFree]

If there's any lesson I leanred it is not to trust men as much as I did to allow him to talk me into not using a condom. I was itching/having a foul smell down there and discharching a thick fluid convinced I had an STD and depressed over it until I went to the doctor. She said I had a very bad case of a yeast infection and prescribed a cream. What a wake up call.

 

I learned how weak and blinded I could become over a man. Even when I thought it was an STD I was not going to tell him so I wouldn't "rock the boat." How whipped and weak and pathetic can someone get? I swear to God if it wasn't for the support here, I promise you I would still be all over him, obsessing whenever he didn't call and gobbling up any crumbs he'd throw my way. I can't thank you all enough for wisening me up.

 

Once I finally saw you were right, I didn't think I'd have the strength to do anything about it but the constant support allowed me to not call back and boy did I see his true colors come out, really really fast too.

 

I guess you are right that I shouldn't ask for the gifts back. Even if he didn't return them I thought it would show that I don't care about him. He knew how into him I have been and I thought it would prove that I am over him, plus I wanted to have the opportunity to call him an a-hole;) (keep in mind I am not one to use such language ordinarily).

 

 

Thank you, thank you.

 

What a relief, thank god you only had a yeast infection. I am so proud of you. You have made such head way. You scared me a couple of times, I thought you where going to let this guy carry on. The anger stage is the best part. That's when you know you will be over him completely one day.

[LexiB]

omg, I wish I was in your position when he told you to "F*ck Off!".

 

I'da told him, "I will f*ck off and I'll be f*cking other people too you pencil-d*ck mother f*cker!"

 

(I have *slight* anger issues )

 

Even though it wldn't be true, just gotta knock him off his pedastal...omg, what a jack@ss ~ I'm pissed for you!! :sick:

 

Congrats to you for finally seeing the light and MUCH MUCH luck to you. Hope this is the start of a new life

[Fun2BMe]

This was our correspondence. Keep in mind he had not contacted me Thursday, Friday and all day Sat. writes this Sat night. Was I being annoying by not flat out stating I had a problem with him when that's what my actions were speaking? I'm beginning to justify him getting mad at me.

-----------------------------------------------

 

Him: whats up, I have not heard from you, you can't call me back??

 

Me: I've been occupied with my cousin returning earlier than planned, getting her apartment ready and all. But I like how you just ignore me whenever you have other plans for the weekend like I don't exist if something else comes along instead of just saying you're unavailable - 2 weeks in a row, when I always bend over backwards to keep you informed if I won't be able to see you or whatever, just out of respect.

 

Him: are you completely crazy!!!!!!!! I left you messages

this week, but I get no phone call from you...

Yesterday afternoon I called and left a message, no

phone call from you. Then you come with this s***

about me ignoring you. If I am ignoring you, why did

you not call me back yesterday???!!!???

 

Me: ok i'm sorry. I didn't get a message from you yesterday. I don't listen often but i did get the one you left Wed. I'dd definitely have called back

 

Him: f*** OFF!!!

 

Me: Whatever, I don't need this bulls***. I don't have any missed or received calls from you on my cell or home phone, but if you did call you know I'd call right back or answer as has always been the case. Big f***ing deal i didn't get a call so your response is f*** off. It tells how much you give a s***, maybe looking for an excuse not to see me,makes no f***ing sense to me. Bye for good, you always find a f***ing reason to not want to see me and I can't handle this s*** anymore.

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Was I too contradictory? I did say I got his message Wed and didn't call back, then state that if he had called Fri I would've called right back, when I was using the BS cousin excuse to tell him why I hadn't called back Wed. I could see how he'd get annoyed and tell me to f-off even though it still hurts seeing that he wrote that to me. I was so shocked at the time.

[Art_Critic]

I think it is time that you STOP talking to him..

 

Anybody that is yelling f*** you does it as far as I'm concerend..

 

do yourself a favor and cut ALL contact with him.

[Fun2BMe]

I think it is time that you STOP talking to him..

 

Anybody that is yelling f*** you does it as far as I'm concerend..

 

do yourself a favor and cut ALL contact with him.

It's just so hurtful he would say that to me. I don't think my actions deerved such a crude remark from him. I am analyzing what I did that wrong that I don't see that would cause him to say that to me. It's very hurtful as tough as I act. It's like a stab, especially when he had said he loved me less than 2 weeks earlier.

 

Posting the conversation, from his paragraph indentations I can now tell that he was writing from his cell phone so he wasn't home. Also I called immediately and it went straight to voicemail so his phone was turned off. He must have been out with some girl, pretending to be home doing nothing waiting for my call but in reality looking for an opportunity to dump me. He didn't have to be so cruel about it. It really hurts and I know I shouldn't contact him, it's not fair I won't have an opportunity to speak my mind to him while he thinks I did something terrible to him.

 

This is why I want to ask for all of my gifts back. I regret having given him anything that brings joy or enhances his life in any way. I want to take it all back.

[Art_Critic]

It's all part of the breaking up process.. We all have heard I love you oneday and f*** you the next..

 

The guy is a dickwad...

 

 

Stop Contacting him.. Remove his number from your cell.. Block and delete his IM and email and do not answer the phone if it is from him