catgirl1927 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Good for you. It will get easier every day. And then you'll meet a better person who will treat you with respect and feel lucky to have you! That's what you deserve. Not this cheating snake. F him right in the ear.
Rian Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 hey girl, enough with the loosers! You deserve someone better! I met Dustin, my true love who is really a gentleman, lovable and loyal... I met him at webdate.com and he was a total catch! Have some fun and go meet other men.. it is really nice to minggle and have some fun! Invite your girlfriends too!
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 I was hoping this thread would die out so I wouldn't have to give an update. But the truth of the matter is that I gave in last night and started emailing and texting him again and again and now he has not responded back at all:confused: I am a loser. I feel like I will be cheating if I go out to meet other men even though I know I have to get away from this guy who is causing nothing but heartache and playing games with me. The whole night I was imagining him to be with another girl and it drove me out of my mind. I slept with my cell phone by my ear praying he would call. How sad is that?
catgirl1927 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I was hoping this thread would die out so I wouldn't have to give an update. But the truth of the matter is that I gave in last night and started emailing and texting him again and again and now he has not responded back at all:confused: I am a loser. I feel like I will be cheating if I go out to meet other men even though I know I have to get away from this guy who is causing nothing but heartache and playing games with me. The whole night I was imagining him to be with another girl and it drove me out of my mind. I slept with my cell phone by my ear praying he would call. How sad is that? Well, we all fall off the wagon. That he's not answering you is proof, I'm so sorry, that he doesn't care about your feelings and is playing power games. It's just like dieting. You cheated a little. You're only human. Now, get back on that wagon and move forward with today! You can do it. You're so much stronger than you realize. Once you're completely out of this you will be amazed you ever tolerated it at all.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I was hoping this thread would die out so I wouldn't have to give an update. But the truth of the matter is that I gave in last night and started emailing and texting him again and again and now he has not responded back at all:confused: I am a loser. I feel like I will be cheating if I go out to meet other men even though I know I have to get away from this guy who is causing nothing but heartache and playing games with me. The whole night I was imagining him to be with another girl and it drove me out of my mind. I slept with my cell phone by my ear praying he would call. How sad is that? You don't have to go and date other men...Just stop dating HIM! Be on your own for a while, let yourself heal and go through the loss of the relationship... You are NOT a loser, k. This man has pulled the wool over your eyes for so long, and now everything is hitting you all at once. It must hurt like hell, so ofcourse, you're going to slip - Even waiver back and forth for abit. But, your eyes are open now! You're not falling into his arms, believing his words anymore... Only you know when to say "enough!" It's different for everybody, so don't beat up on yourself so much. Just remember that you're the one who is going to be hurt if you continue trying to reach out to him. Maybe soon, that will be enough to make you stop and move on. Hang in there! And don't feel that you can't post about it. Noone is perfect and we're just here to help you through all this stuff.
SoleMate Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 You are trusting his WORDS over his ACTIONS and that is why you are confused. His WORDS say, "I love you. Honesty is important to me." His ACTIONS say, "I love getting sex from you and controlling you emotionally. I frequently lie to get what I want. I have unprotected sex with many women including you." I'm glad you're waking up.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 14, 2006 Author Posted May 14, 2006 Here is a quick update. Ever since I went on my supposed trip, he has stopped contacting me after the time he emailed asking the place I was staying at so he could call me and I didn't respond to that until later only to say I was already heading back. Thursday nothing. Friday nothing. Saturday I started getting anxious. I wanted him to be asking me if things were ok but he was just ignoring me. We have been spending every single weekend together for the past few months and I htink this was making things harder on top of imagining he was with another girl now that I know what his deal is. So I finally kept calling him and left messages asking if we were going to see each other or not even though had he asked to see me I was going to say no. The fact of not hearing from him drove me towards him ironically. Late in the afternoon he left a message sounding not too happy that he would be unable to see me that day but maybe he could tomorrow if I called back. I didn't have my phone with me while out and about shopping and so forth so when I got home past 9pm I emailed him that he should let me know whetether or not he would be able to see me and explained I didn't have my phone earlier to call back. Today I wait and wait and wait. Finally late in the afternoon he emails to see me at EIGHT in the evening after the whole day is over. I feel so awful. I waited over an hour trying to decide if I should see him or not. Inside I am too angry at him and never want to see him again. On the other hand I feel this need to speak my mind and get mad at him for everything he is putting me through. The whole time I thought I wouldn't give in to see him but about 10 minutes I finally emailed back that I would and now I am feeling anxious inside like I am going in the wrong direction, being available at his eck and call. Please don't get mad that I am not following all of your great advice. At least I have come a long way agreeing that you are all right. I am trying to find the strength to break awayfrom him. It is harder than I imagined, especially since he is not acting in the way I would expect him to respond to my actions with, like he is always a step ahead of me no matter what I am trying and reels me in.
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I hope you just know when to say ENOUGH and walk away. I'm not mad, it's your life, your choice, your hurt and pain...Until you see that the more you try to include him in your life, the more hurt you're going to be -Like banging your head against a brick wall - Maybe you'll be able to end it.
Guest Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 so he doesn't want to be steady... so what? you can love each other and date other people. There are just people who aren't into that who exclusivity scene... that's good. maybe if you picked up a couple of guys on wealthymendotcom and he might know how you feel about the entire thing. unless of course he doesn't really love and doesn't care at all.
AussieChick Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 Hey girl, Take a moment and read what you wrote above - especially this little bit - you "wait and wait and wait", the fact that you were torn for an hour tells us that you KNOW you have to stop seeing him. Noone said that it would be easy, and it will continue to be difficult, it's like an addiction - but every day will get easier. So you saw him tonight - don't beat yourself up - come back and read this thread again, ALL THE WAY THROUGH FROM THE BEGINNING... Have a think about what he told you tonight - I suspect he has the gift of the gab, and is a smooth talker - don't be svengalied into his trap again - you've come so far. What lies did he tell you tonight?? There has to be at least one! F2BM, we aren't going to get mad - keep coming back - post as many threads as you have to - there's always someone here to give you the support you need. You WILL find the man of your dreams - it may take a while, and it will hurt like crazy for a bit, but this man IS NOT FOR YOU - HE WON'T CHANGE no matter how much you tell yourself he will. You are strong, independant and very very capable of doing this. Hang in there - and make sure you talk to us... Aussie x
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 16, 2006 Author Posted May 16, 2006 Hang in there - and make sure you talk to us... Aussie x Thanks for the support. I was going to start a new thread but it would be a hassle to restate everything again to give the background. Here is what happened. I went to see him with the thought that I would feel better once I got everything off my chest and told him how I am now feeling about things. I thought this would help me to move on. At the same time I was thinking he was upset at me for leaving out of town and not contacting him as his calls and emails had completely stopped. As soon as I got there, I was waiting for him to start "the talk." Instead we talked about different things, watched a movie and that was that as though nothing had happened. I was too much of a coward to speak up. I usually voice my thoughts and opinions but with him it is as if I don't want to rock the boat so I end up keeping everything bottled up. Now that I think about it he probably is losing respect for me for putting up with all of his nonsense behavior. Another thing is that I have contacted an STD from him. I was upset and crying about it and was going to get mad, part of my plan to meet with him in person. Instead to my surprise I kept it to myself and made an excuse not to have intercourse. I did give him oral though. I hope this is not too much information. I usually give and he never reciprocates. This time I got fed up and at least I spoke up about that saying that I am always the giver and he never does anything back for me. I have never been with a man who is completely selfish in bed. I don't understand how someone can take all the time without caring about their partner's needs. I don't understand why I put up with that either and on top of it contacted an STD and am still seeing him and not speaking up about anything. It is as if he has control over me. I feel so miserable and upset at myself. I am in the worst relationship possible and don't know how to get away. None of my needs are getting met and on top of it worse things are happening such as getting hurt and contracting a bad condition. I tried to ignore him but it was too difficult. I am going to go to the doctor again tomorrow for the condition I have thanks to him. It is so horrible and I feel like a depressed doormat and a fool for the situation I have put myself in. All I can say is that the feedback from the posts opened my eyes to what he is about and now that I know, I am disappointed that I am uinable to get away. Knowing he has lied to me makes things worse. What does it take for someone to have the strength to leave or to at least speak up? I don't know why I am keeping my mouth shut about everything. So what if he doesn't like what I say. Maybe someone can point out what is holding me back to this degree because it doesn't seem normal. I hope you just know when to say ENOUGH and walk away. That's exactly what I WANT to do but don't know how.
Walk Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I'm wondering if part of the reason you're so drawn to him is because you don't feel secure that you can have him. The more he pulls away, the harder you feel you have to chase him? You have a huge problem to deal with now. If you continue seeing this man, sex is going to be expected by him. At least some form of it. I don't know what STD he gave you, but how can you clear it up if you keep reinfecting yourself? He's using you Fun2BeMe. I hate to say this, but he wanted a booty call that night. He doesn't care about your well being. He wants his needs taken care of, but doesn't give a rats ass about yours. Stories like this make me want to take a baseball bat to this guy. I'm sorry you're going through this F2BM. I'm not sure what would break your addiction to him. If you start to feel like you have to see him, or he has to call, maybe you have someone you could call? A friend you could visit with? Or get on here. Or work out, or do something positive for yourself. It'll take a lot of will power on your part for a while. If I were in your shoes I would be mad as hell right now. Not only did he give you an STD, which proves he lied about "always using a condom with other women"... but he didn't even care why you "left" or that you came back. The man has done nothing but lie to you the entire time. The whole relationship is a sham. Its fake. There's nothing there and you're clinging to a dream of how you thought it was. Take care of yourself first and foremost. That means clearing up this STD, if it's possible. Talk to your doctor about continued sex with this man, and how that will affect treatment. I really think you need to send this guy an email, or call him. Tell him what STD he gave you, that you know he lied about everything, and you aren't going to see him again. Cut the tie, and don't look back. (I know this isn't really in your nature to be that way. If you can't, I'm not judging you on this. But I know it's frustrating and painful to feel so powerless in a situation like that. I think you need to take your power back. And I wish you'd see how strong you really are, and stand up for yourself. *hug* )
Dagny Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 STDs can be contracted through oral sex too. Please don't give this man oral. Be Strong
Pendawn Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 F2BM - Maybe it will help you to see it as an outsider looking at someone else's life Check out this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=60629 Deja Vue? "He wants to sleep with other men" "He doesn't want me to see other men, but that shows HOW MUCh he loves me!" "I have to like him for being HONEST about seeing other women" "He uses condoms with every other woman except me" "But I got an STD!" "But I'm too scared to confront him." Don't let him do this to you!
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Gain the support of your closest girl friends, and afew family members. Ask them to help you through this. And, I know I've mentioned this before, but look into counselling. You're allowing him to use you, take advantage of you and that is doing awful damage to YOU! He is going to give you hangups, trust issues later on in life in future relationships, make you doubt yourself, feel insecure. Even now, you're terrified to rock the boat. You're scared of him being mad at you, or you letting him down. HE DOESN'T CARE enough to feel that way - He pretends to, so he can manipulate you. What exactly is it that is making you NOT walk away from him? The 'feelings' he gives you? Well, if that is the case, it's based on lies, a fake reality. You are into him, 100%, and he doesn't feel the same way about you. That is obvious. Lie after lie after lie. And, how nice of him to give you something! STD! I bet if you tell him about the STD he gave you, he'll accuse YOU of sleeping with other men. He won't take the accountability of that - So, for your own sake, just do it. End it, grieve, cry, shout, get mad! Just stay away from him.
luvtoto Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 Fun, I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years...had two kids with him, too. Deep down inside, I felt like I didn't deserve any better. After I had kids, I saw what the abuse was doing to them. I left him. Not for myself (at the time), but for my children's safety. So, I am telling you this because I can relate to how you are feeling. Me staying with an abusive man for 9 years, is probably a bigger issue than what you are doing to yourself with this man. The ONLY thing that helped me realize that I deserve better in my life was through counseling. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. You say things like, "I don't know why I am doing this to myself...I don't know how to leave him...I don't know how to voice how I am feeling." A counselor/therapist/psychologist will help you sort out these issues you are having. I am almost thinking that it's your only option, at this point. I would still be in the same boat as you, wasting my life with jerks, if I didn't get the help I needed.
BeFree Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I hate to say this....but I am starting to get frustrated with this. If we all continue to tell you what a bad situation your in and how much you are worth SOOOO much more, will you ever listen? I really think you need to tell him what he gave you. He needs to have someone call him out on what he is doing. You have got to stop ALL contact with him. He is a bad person who is doing this to you and obvisously a lot of other girls. Why do you want to be treated this way. Do you have anyone you can talk to? A sister? your mom? I always believe that if a guy is treating you bad enough that you can't tell your mom, then he is really wrong for you. Ask yourself "whay would my mom think of this?" How would my mom want me to be treated?" Please get away from this A _ HOLE.
Walk Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 It'd be hillarious to screw this guy over. Agree to meet him that night, wait til he falls asleep, and then write all over him in permenant marker..."STD carrier". Maybe only places where you'd have to be angling for sex to see it. I don't think getting mad at F2BM is gonna help. She knows what she should do, and I really think she wants away from this guy. Problem is she needs someone to validate who she is. I don't mean this as an insult Fun. I feel the same way sometimes too, but I think it's much stronger in you. Maybe somewhere in your childhood or past you were made to feel worthless. So you think you are, and tolerate this type of behavior. You'd rather have negative interactions, then no interaction, because that little voice inside your head keeps telling you "if he doesn't want me, then I'm worthless". Maybe I'm wrong. I don't think you're a bad person Fun. I used to think you were egotistical, but I kind of think you use that to cover for your insecurities. And I kind of get the feeling that when you're alone, you see this deep dark pit inside you and it scares the crap out of you. So even if it's not a good relationship, it's better then having no one there to keep you from falling in that hole. Telling her to get away from him isn't helping because we aren't helping her to answer her question. What does it take for someone to have the strength to leave or to at least speak up? I don't know why I am keeping my mouth shut about everything. So what if he doesn't like what I say. Maybe someone can point out what is holding me back to this degree because it doesn't seem normal To help her, she has to find the keys to why she has to have someone in her life, especially someone destructive to her, and who has shown he doesn't care about her.
catgirl1927 Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I hate to say this....but I am starting to get frustrated with this. If we all continue to tell you what a bad situation your in and how much you are worth SOOOO much more, will you ever listen? This is kind of why I've stayed away. It's so upsetting when someone knows they are being treated badly and refuses to do anything about it. But you can only help people who WANT to be helped.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 This is kind of why I've stayed away. It's so upsetting when someone knows they are being treated badly and refuses to do anything about it. But you can only help people who WANT to be helped. I am not refusing to do anything about it. I am trying but failing. I WANT to be helped. That's why I'm writing about my problem that I recognize is a problem that needs fixing. I have no ability to do it. All I am getting is a lot of heartache. He calls only when he wants to talk. When I call he never answers. Same with email. I always answer the phone or call or email right back. I emailed to him hours ago and he has not responded. This is not a situation I want to be in, especially now that all I think about all day and night is imagining him with someone else. It is like pulling a badaid off in very slow motion is all I can describe the experience as. It makes no sense why I can't ignore him and move on. Instead I am allowing him to ruin my life. Another thing that has been difficult is that for the past few weeks he no longer calls me at night like he used to do on a daily basis and we'd talk for a couple of hours, catching up on what's going on in our lives. He no longer does that. Last night he finally called at almost midnight and I was too upset to answer. He left a voicemail for me to call back and sounded a little drunk. Instead I texted him a message back otherwise I would be in a foul mood on the phone. He didn't respond to it or has he called or replied to my email all day as though he is punishing me. He always does this. Whenever things don't go completely his way he starts to ignore me and that's when things get harder for me because I know that I am the one who should be ignoring him yet he turns it around so that I am always the bad one. I used to think you were egotistical, but I kind of think you use that to cover for your insecurities. And I kind of get the feeling that when you're alone, you see this deep dark pit inside you and it scares the crap out of you. So even if it's not a good relationship, it's better then having no one there to keep you from falling in that hole. I really am not egotistical even though it came across that way in my postman thread. I simply didn't think I would find an even ground with him even though now I think he would've made me happier. Yes I do have a lot of insecurities but I think most women do. As for the deep dark pit, that is true. When he is not with me or contacting me for some reason there is that scary lonely feeling which I do not get when others are not there for me, it is only with him. I don't know why it is to that degree when he treats me like dirt on the bottom of his shoes and is making me extremely depressed and upset. He needs to have someone call him out on what he is doing. I can't imagine other women not calling him out, it must be me. I don't know if I am starting to read into everything also and that is frustrating. For example when I was at his house the other night he had on a movie about a player who was going from one girl to another. It was a comedy but to me, thinking of him, it was extremely disturbing and I thought he had it on on purpose. Sometimes I wonder if he does know how much he is hurting me and does, shows and says things to push the limit hoping I'll crack because I am trying to show him I am strong and putting up with all this. At the end of the day, he is eating his cake while I am at home suffering wondering why he is not calling, trying to think of how I can make things go back to the way they were before when I know and want to leave him for good instead. I don't know how to change this as soon as possible so I can start to heal.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 I am not refusing to do anything about it. I am trying but failing. I WANT to be helped. That's why I'm writing about my problem that I recognize is a problem that needs fixing. I have no ability to do it. All I am getting is a lot of heartache. Keep writing and posting on LS...If some don't reply, others will, so don't let that be a concern right now... He calls only when he wants to talk. When I call he never answers. Doesn't this tell you something? I mean, if a friend or family member did this to you, you'd be pissed off and NOT put it up with it, right? So, why put up with it by him? Stop thinking with your heart and emotions. Please! Same with email. I always answer the phone or call or email right back. Stop answering the phone, stop emailing him first. You're chasing him and he knows this, which adds fuel to his game ... So, STOP calling/emailing him and actually, what you should do is get another email account or block his emails. I emailed to him hours ago and he has not responded. By emailing him, you're putting energy out there that you won't get back. Meaning, you're setting yourself up for the fall...Waiting for him to email you back - Wasting time, sitting there...Waiting...For a guy who has NO intention of ever loving you enough or putting you first. Keep remembering this stuff! When you get the urge, just remember by writing him is bringing PAIN your way. This is not a situation I want to be in, especially now that all I think about all day and night is imagining him with someone else. It is like pulling a badaid off in very slow motion is all I can describe the experience as. It makes no sense why I can't ignore him and move on. Instead I am allowing him to ruin my life. This is why so many times I've suggested you go talk to someone, get into therapy. You need abit of help to get you through this. You're almost obessed by him in an odd way. Another thing that has been difficult is that for the past few weeks he no longer calls me at night like he used to do on a daily basis and we'd talk for a couple of hours, catching up on what's going on in our lives. He no longer does that. Last night he finally called at almost midnight and I was too upset to answer. He left a voicemail for me to call back and sounded a little drunk. Instead I texted him a message back otherwise I would be in a foul mood on the phone. Again, you're focussing SO much on him, making him a bigger part of your life than you are in his. Unbalanced and wasted energy = you hurt, your needs not being met, you not being loved enough by him. You really have to detach emotionally from him and make him less of importance in your life. Casual to the point where you don't care enough to react to anything...Yeah, I know, you're a long way from that point - But you CAN and WILL get there someday! He didn't respond to it or has he called or replied to my email all day as though he is punishing me. He always does this. Whenever things don't go completely his way he starts to ignore me and that's when things get harder for me because I know that I am the one who should be ignoring him yet he turns it around so that I am always the bad one. Again, STOP EMAILING HIM!! He isn't going to reply when YOU want him to. It's his game, his terms and that is that. Sadly and I hate to say this, but he has 3-4 other women who he is dating as well and you're not number one in his mind. You're also ALLOWING him to make you feel bad. He's manipulating you sooo much and pushing your buttons to get the right reaction out of you. You haven't done anything wrong so if he pulls that s*** on you - HANG UP ON HIM! Don't think - Just DO IT! I want you to make a good/bad list. 1)Write out all the good about him...What you like about him, in and out of bed. How he makes you feel and why. 2)Make out another list of all the BAD qualities he has. Include too, how he makes YOU feel in a negative way. What do you dislike about him and why. 3)Your wish list. All the things you would like to change about him so he'll meet your needs. After you finish list #3, get a red pen and honestly ask yourself this for each point : Is it possible he can change? List 1 and 2 are going to be obvious. The bad WILL outweigh the good. Hope this helps and clears things in your mind abit more. I hope you do those lists, for yourself. It will just help you see things in another different light.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 I am off to make those lists right now. The thought that he has 3-4 others and I am NOT number one is KILLING me:o I'm almost scared to make the list because I go into denial of all the bad things or all the things I wish he was like, but here I go. Thank you.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 You're welcome, anytime! It's easy to allow the happy part of your brain to take over, as your heart and soul isn't ready to really 'see' the full picture...I think right now in the last week or so, your eyes have been opened enough to see that it's only a matter of time until you gain enough strength to end it with him. You can do this! When you are ready, it will just hit you and you'll dump his ass. Feel free to PM me anytime too.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 18, 2006 Author Posted May 18, 2006 While making list - so far 8 positives and over 40 negatives, he text messaged me out of the blue. I IMMEDIATELY wrote back and also asked a question. It has been over half an hour and he has not written back. Then I kick myself for giving in so quickly. I thought maybe he was realizing what a jerk he has been and was trying to make up for ignoring me all day but here he does it again and I feel played all over again falling for his attempts to keep me strung and feel freshly hurt all over again. Earlier in the day I had removed the battery from my cell phone because even if I put it on silent I kept checking to see if I had any calls or messages from him every five minutes. I admit that even after removing the battery I kept calling the cell from my landline to check for messages. I am a wreck. I had given up and barely put the battery in when he texted me and I responded, now I am literally sitting here waiting to hear back from him. Maybe I should've put more thought in my message now that I am reading it back. I don't know what to do to keep his interest and to get back how it was before when he would've emailed and called instead of sending a brief text at this time of the day. I don't want to focus on getting him back either because I know I have to move on but whenever I try he contacts me and I always fall for it.
BeFree Posted May 18, 2006 Posted May 18, 2006 Fun, Do you have any hobbies? I think you also have too much time on your hands waiting for him to call. If you keep yourself busy with things you like to do, then it will be easier to move on. Now is the time to take that art or cooking class, or start running or whatever would interest you.
Recommended Posts