Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 My initial thought while first reading was 'give him credit for being honest', but when I came to the part where she can't date----he now seems more pretentious than honest to pull this domineering crap. What he's really saying is, "I need more then you, but I am all you need". What bulls***. IMO-if you don't date others he'll lose any respect for you. Now that is a whole new way of looking at it. It feels like a stab in the heart reading that but that must be what it means. I thought he was saying he loved me too much for me to be with someone else but basically he doesn't think I'm enough for him. Thanks for that insight. Very helpful. All of this is going to make it easier to pull away from him.
climbergirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Now that is a whole new way of looking at it. It feels like a stab in the heart reading that but that must be what it means. I thought he was saying he loved me too much for me to be with someone else but basically he doesn't think I'm enough for him. Thanks for that insight. Very helpful. All of this is going to make it easier to pull away from him. Oh God, I feel horrible reading that.........I didn't mean to hurt you-I apologize if I sounded too harsh. I hope the best for you........you deserve to have the man you love all to yourself.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Don't feel bad, you are helping me and I appreciate it. I feel so desperate. I wonder if I should tell him I will be out of town until next week. That way I won't give in to see him which I just know I will end up doing the moment he asks to see me.
climbergirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Don't feel bad, you are helping me and I appreciate it. I feel so desperate. I wonder if I should tell him I will be out of town until next week. That way I won't give in to see him which I just know I will end up doing the moment he asks to see me. Thanks. I gotta work on my diplomacy--thank you for understanding. << I feel so desperate.>> We make not so wise choices and decisions under that state. Any way you can actually really go away for awhile--gain perspective on your situation from him? I'd wager a guess that you'll come back emotionally stronger and wonder, 'WTF was I thinking!!'. I can sympathize with your situation. In fact, a few years back I called a therapist to only make an appt.--she asked me about my relationship and after I relayed what was going on she said something I'll never forget---"You are acting desperate, and grovelling isn't making you appear attractive to him." Now, this guy and I never did get back together, but a lot of s*** had gone down between us. And today I'm thankful we never did. What I did learn is that compromising on boundaries only lasts so long before you become resentful. You want him to be exclusive--enforce it by either stating it to him and/or removing yourself, just please don't settle. Good luck-
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Any way you can actually really go away for awhile--gain perspective on your situation from him? I'd wager a guess that you'll come back emotionally stronger and wonder, 'WTF was I thinking!!'. I don't like to travel alone. I am going to email him right now that I will be going away on business for the rest of the week. I will stay home and make sure to screen my calls so I don't pick up if he calls, not that he will.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 I just sent the email. At first I was going to say for how long I would be gone, but I ended up writing "for a while" so that he will be in a little limbo just like how he puts me in one, not knowing when I will contact him again to tell him I'm back. I figure if I say 3 days but need more time away before talking to him or if I say 5 days but by day 4 feel ready to talk. This gives me more flexibility and control over the situation. It feels like a big accomplishment to get myself away from him.
climbergirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I just sent the email. At first I was going to say for how long I would be gone, but I ended up writing "for a while" so that he will be in a little limbo just like how he puts me in one, not knowing when I will contact him again to tell him I'm back. I figure if I say 3 days but need more time away before talking to him or if I say 5 days but by day 4 feel ready to talk. This gives me more flexibility and control over the situation. It feels like a big accomplishment to get myself away from him. Good for you!! I'm rooting for you that things go well.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Good for you!! I'm rooting for you that things go well. Thank you, thank you!!! and to everyone else who helped me on this thread:)
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Now he texted asking where I am staying so he can call me. WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY??????????????????????????????????????
climbergirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Now he texted asking where I am staying so he can call me. WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?????????????????????????????????????? Be evasive...........maybe txt something like, "If you need to get ahold of me you can try my cell". And don't answer or turn it off. Just an idea.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Be evasive...........maybe txt something like, "If you need to get ahold of me you can try my cell". And don't answer or turn it off. Just an idea. I know he'll know I'm lying if I act that evasive. I have been an open book to him so far. Dam it I have no idea what I am going to do. Should I really travel to the destination I told him I am at? It is far though. My plan is backfiring on me.
Dagny Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Just don't reply. Next time you see him just say you were very busy, did not see the e-mail whatever. Works for me and my friends I mean simply, you need some time away from him. There's too much thought into this.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Just don't reply. Next time you see him just say you were very busy, did not see the e-mail whatever. Works for me and my friends I mean simply, you need some time away from him. There's too much thought into this. I'll try to not reply and get myself deeper into this mess. He gets upset whenever I don't reply right away. Maybe if he had called me last night or the night before he would know what is up with my schedule and where I'm at.
BeFree Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Girl, don't reply and if he does call you just tell him it's none of his business and you don't have time for a boy who is a player. Then move on. He is going to drag you around as long as you let him. Now is the time to turn around and walk away. Don't let him get the best of you. Close your lap top and go for a walk. If you come home and still feel the urge to worry about him, go for another walk. And so on. You may not be returning his calls,but as long as you are worrying over what to do next, he has you where he wants you. YOU CAN DO THIS>
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Ok that is super advice. I am finally feeling in control It just a little scary. I turned off my phone and I'm going to turn off my computer for a while and take care of other things instead of obsessing over him nonstop lately. You guys are the best, thank you again.
BeFree Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Ok that is super advice. I am finally feeling in control It just a little scary. I turned off my phone and I'm going to turn off my computer for a while and take care of other things instead of obsessing over him nonstop lately. You guys are the best, thank you again. Your the best and don't forget that. He is a dumb boy and it's his loss.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 You don't owe him any explanation. Don't email or call him back. I would also NOT answer your phone at all because he could call from an unknown name/caller and it won't show up. Just to be safe. And besides, even if you do answer, DO NOT FEEL BAD! Don't explain yourself to him. Also, this is a good thing as you won't be tempted to get intouch with him. He is a schumck, remember that! The less you care about him, his thoughts and feelings, the better you will feel and won't get sucked into his game. Look out for number one. And yes, that's you!
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 You don't owe him any explanation. Don't email or call him back. I would also NOT answer your phone at all because he could call from an unknown name/caller and it won't show up. Just to be safe. And besides, even if you do answer, DO NOT FEEL BAD! Don't explain yourself to him. Also, this is a good thing as you won't be tempted to get intouch with him. He is a schumck, remember that! The less you care about him, his thoughts and feelings, the better you will feel and won't get sucked into his game. Look out for number one. And yes, that's you! I was about to send him an email last night for feeling bad for not replying all day to him until I read your post. Maybe I don't need to explain myself to him. I keep thinking of all these things to say to him. So is it NC forever? Do I go back and eventually talk to him about what is bothering me? Where do I go from here? Sorry to keep coming back about this. I didn't think I would be able to make it through the day yesterday and now it feels good that I stuck to what I did. I have to admit I'm a little nervous in case I contact him and now HE is upset at me when right now I am feeling like I have the upper hand.
catgirl1927 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I think after the way he's treated you he really doesn't deserve anything. Stick to your guns.
AussieChick Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I was about to send him an email last night for feeling bad for not replying all day to him until I read your post. Maybe I don't need to explain myself to him. I keep thinking of all these things to say to him. So is it NC forever? Do I go back and eventually talk to him about what is bothering me? Where do I go from here? Sorry to keep coming back about this. I didn't think I would be able to make it through the day yesterday and now it feels good that I stuck to what I did. I have to admit I'm a little nervous in case I contact him and now HE is upset at me when right now I am feeling like I have the upper hand. NO NO NO NO NO - Don't cave in. I am really new to this whole forum thing (tonight in fact) - but these people all have their heads screwed on the right way. The best thing is that the advice is genuine and being anonymous, we can all be really honest. Keep coming back to this forum and discuss, ask questions etc. Whatever you need help with to stay strong. Remember the road you have travelled already this far. HE HAS BEEN CHEATING ON YOU. HE HAS BEEN LIEING TO YOU. You are becoming the woman you deserve to be - independant and free from this scumbag. No matter how you feel about him - YOU DESERVE BETTER. I know that is such a cliche - but you need to start believing it. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Hang in there sweetheart - the hurt does heal. In the meantime we're all here for you.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I was about to send him an email last night for feeling bad for not replying all day to him until I read your post. Maybe I don't need to explain myself to him. I keep thinking of all these things to say to him. I'm glad you didn't email him back. The thing is, it's not about him, it's about YOU right now. Detaching. Making him less of your personal life, less in your daily life and less of him knowing exactly what goes on in your life. This is a good thing for you. The less he knows, the better of you will feel and be! You don't owe him any explanation because he isn't exclusive with just you. He has other women to rely on, to have fun with if you're not around. That just plain SUCKS. So, whatever thoughts you have, and want to tell him, DON'T! Trust me, it will fall on deaf ears...He wants whatever it is between you to be simple and non-drama so he doesn't have to have accountability in this thing going on. So is it NC forever? Do I go back and eventually talk to him about what is bothering me? Where do I go from here? Sorry to keep coming back about this. I didn't think I would be able to make it through the day yesterday and now it feels good that I stuck to what I did. I have to admit I'm a little nervous in case I contact him and now HE is upset at me when right now I am feeling like I have the upper hand. Don't look so far ahead. Who knows where this NC will lead you. Take it day by day so you don't feel so overwhelmed. I'm sure the longer and less time you spend thinking of him and talking to him less, the easier NC will become. WHO CARES if he is upset at you!!! Seriously! We're talking about a man who is dating and sleeping with other women while still seeing you too! Again, trust me, if anything is going to be hurt, it will be is EGO! Big f**k'n deal! He's a grown man and will get over it! And because of that, he isn't going to feel any emotional pain by the fact you're not into him as much. Please believe that. You do have the upper hand, and the longer you go NC, you'll care less about him.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 After reading this thread, I was beginning to wonder if this poster is the same person who is letting their boyfriend drug them and not leaving him, but I know they have different screen names. He came to you recently and said he wanted to see other people, but he uses condoms with all the others? Honey, that indicates to me he's been doing it the whole time. And, how insulting is it to you that he thinks you're stupid enough to ACCEPT this type of situation???? And believe him? He must really think he's got you on a string. Prove him wrong, he's an ass.
luvtoto Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I'll try to not reply and get myself deeper into this mess. He gets upset whenever I don't reply right away. Maybe if he had called me last night or the night before he would know what is up with my schedule and where I'm at. This man is trying to control you. If he continues to get upset with you for not replying, that just means he's losing his grip on ya. Let him get pissed.
Walk Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 F2BM.. keep up the NC at least a week. Don't even worry about how long to keep it up, or what the end result will be right now. Just focus on yourself and whats important to you for now. The only reason he'll be mad is because he knows what he's doing, so he'll assume you'll do the same. see other men, and sleep with them. He cant' trust you, because he knows he can't be trusted. Don't believe this guy... please. I've heard that line about a condom about a million times. It's a really old trick. They hate wearing condoms, and never do, but they tell the woman they're the special one. The chosen one. They buy into it, and he doesnt' wear a condom with the other 3 women he's sleeping with too. Cause they're all the special one. It's an old trick.... I'm sorry you have to deal with this Fun. I had really hoped you'd found a good relationship. But I think you need to get away from this one as fast as possible. It's really not fair to you (or safe). You are better than how this guy is treating you, or could ever treat you. And after 3 months, he knows whether he'd commit or not. Besides, he's how old? 30's? He's old enough by now to know what he's looking for in a woman, and 3 months is long enough to know whether the two of you fit that ideal or not. If this had come at week 2, maybe I could understand. But not 3 months down the line. Now he's just jerking your chain and seeing how much he can get away with before you'll leave. If he can do it all without you batting an eye then why shouldn't he? But if he really loved you, he'd only want you. Not anyone else. This is a glaring lie, when he states he loves you, but can't be with just you. When the words and the actions don't jive, then read the actions, and he's saying very loudly that he is not in love with you. And if he can't tell the truth on something this incredibly important, then why would he bother to tell the truth on anything else?
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Thanks for the support and encouragement. Whenever I am tempted to contact him I come back and read your posts to me and I think hell no. I'm sure it's going to be hard at first but it is already getting easier on day 2. I still have to come to terms with so much that I was accepting his word for. I thought it would be a sign of weakness not to express how I feel to him but the more I think about it, it is harder not to and to move on without giving him the details as to why. It is taking a lot more strength to pull myself away from him like I'm stuck with glue. He doesn't deserve anything more from me. I should print out this thread and put it in my purse. It gives me so much strength when I get weak. Some of it is hard to read but I sure would not have come to any of those conclusions on my own.
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