justagirliegirl Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Can't add much to the already excellent responses. The reason he is telling you he loves you is because that is what you want to hear and it works. You believe any crazy nutty thing he says or does as long as he can say those three little words. He told you the lie about the condoms so he doesn't have to use one with you and probably tells the other girls the same thing. His actions don't match his words. If he really loves you, he won't be with other girls.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 If he really loves you, he won't be with other girls. I can't believe how blind I have been. If that's how all of you see it, then I am going to tell him that all this time I have been believing everything he tells me and have been admiring his honesty. However, now that he is saying he loves me and I do not feel loved by him, I have to question his sincerity and along with it everything else he has told me, especially about the condoms. When I told him I loved him, I reallly wasn't expecting for him to say that he loved me too. Now that I think about it, maybe he did say it just to make me happy. Instead, I am getting upset now that he could be actually lying. This is awful. I can't even sleep thinking about all this when initiallly my only concern was the whole exclusivity issue.
luvtoto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Logic says to try to win him over more so he calls more and things go back to how they were before. Logic says that to you? What gives you the impression that he is so trustworthy?
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Logic says that to you? What gives you the impression that he is so trustworthy? With each hour I am feeling differently and now my logic is beginning to question his so called honesty and it is hurtful to say the least.
catgirl1927 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 You're not in love with him as he is, but rather as you want him to be. But he's not that. You deserve someone who IS. And he's out there. You just have to get this trash off your porch first, so you can find him!
Guest Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I kind of skim read the topic, but I'd have to say that you deserve better. I've been in a similar situation. I don't think you need to accuse him of lying maybe he does mean part or all of what he says to you. Basically your issue is that you want to be exclusive and if he can't give you that then you can't be with him. I've tried (briefly) to be with someone in a casual way both seeing other people, it messes with your head and your emotions, when I really wanted to be with him and he wanted the 'cake and eat it too situation'. I was always second-guessing him, his motives, where he'd been, when he would call, whether he was telling me the truth etc. I couldn't do it. I agree with catgirl you're in love with who you want him to be, not who he is (or who he is now). You can't change anyone but yourself, so you need to change the situation. You said how can distance yourself from him. Well I would talk to him, say it's over, then stick a big mark on a calendar when you're next allowed to call him (in like 4 weeks time) and then when you get closer to that date - extend it out another month, repeat as necessary. Organise activities with other friends, go to a new class or hobby etc etc... Don't accept phone calls/flowers/emails/letters etc. That's what I did, I have to say it was the best thing I did. Still haven't found the perfect relationship but at least am not in one that messes with my emotions and potential health - I (and you) are worth more than that! PS you may hope for the fairy tale like the wedding the other person described but I have to say that doesn't happen often and didn't happen for me so don't bank on it. Good luck
Kengne Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Now that I am beginning to question how honest he really is, as hard as it is to do, why would he tell me yesterday that he loves me? I had been feeling happy all day about that, yet his actions don't support being in love with me. He was quick to get off the phone and now I am hurt wondering if he had a date to go to now that I know he is seeing other women. He could say he loves you for many reasons. Because he really is IN LOVE with you, or because he thinks it what you want to hear i.e. to pacify you, or because to him 'love' is synonymous with he LOVES having sex with you. ;-) I want to believe that he is in love with me and instead of cheating behind my back, told me that he is also seeing other women. Is that really an impossibility? Well I won't get into whether or not he loves/is in love with you, because I can't read his heart. But I DO applaud him for his honesty in telling you he was seeing other women. Many guys will not do this. But even if he had acted like many other men and not informed you about the other women in his life - he would not have been 'cheating' technically, as you two are not in an exclusive relationship. He would have been misleading you perhaps, but not cheating. I blindly believe without questioning everything he tells me. The thought that he could have lied about saying that he uses condoms with everyone else is troubling me to no end. I think the next time I see him in person I have to talk to him about this to make sure he is being fully honest with me about it. He knows how highly I value my health. Now I can't sleep thinking about all this. GIRL.... if YOU value YOUR health, YOU have to take preventative measures to PRESERVE it. NEVER EVER EVER rely on someone else's 'honesty' when it comes to your sexual health, as PEOPLE ARE NOTORIOUS LIARS! How do you think people contract STDS? I mean WHO would willingly sleep with someone who's said to them 'Look, I sleep around with 1001 people and I never use condoms'. REALLY - are you THAT naive that you think he'd actually TELL you he was NOT using condoms with the other women? OF COURSE HE WOULD NOT TELL YOU THIS! HIM telling you that he ALWAYS uses condoms with the other women but NOT you - RED FRIGGIN FLAG! PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THIS MAN. By YOU not using ANY protection YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR HEALTH AT RISK. DO NOT put your health into HIS hands by NOT using condoms and BELIEVING HIM BLINDLY! He is NOT responsible for your sexual health! He is NOT looking out for YOUR interests! The reason you cannot sleep at night is because you are slowly realizing what a foolish decision you have made by BLINDLY believing in him as if he were God - and sleeping with him UNPROTECTED! Fun2BMe - THIS IS THE REAL WORLD and MAN IS A LIAR. PLEASE look after your health, and RUN to the nearest clinic if you do not want to become a STD statistic. Also how can I distance myself from him? On the one hand I feel that if I do, it will only give him the opportunity to spend more time with another girl and I might lose him for good considering he is already calling me less often. STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!!! He is a cake men - having his cake i.e. SEEING and SLEEPING with other women, AND, EATING it too i.e. SEEING and SLEEPING with YOU! You know how to deal with a cake man? TAKE AWAY HIS CAKE ie. YOU. Stop sleeping with this man! I cannot guarantee this will change his desire NOT to be exclusive but I guarantee it WILL make him regard you with a higher level of respect then thus far. And GUESS WHAT? Men value what they work for. If he has to work for your love, & your body he is more willing to want to be with you. If he can have your love & your body with no committment - WHY IN THE HELL WOULD HE EVER want to be in a relationship? HE HAS NO INCENTIVE. On the other hand I am feeling so hurt reading these comments that personally I want some time away from him. I don't want to tell him that but I don't know what excuses to use not to see him when he asks to. THE TRUTH HURTS - BUT IT SHALL SET YOU FREEE. You don't need to 'tell' him anything. Has he told YOU anything concerning why he is calling less and less?? NO. So all you need to do is call HIM less and less... no explanations needed! And if / when he does call... be less available e.g. "Hey I can't talk right now, I'm heading out to ____". That's it! Make him work! Good luck! K.
blind_otter Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 We are having sex and did discuss it. He said that he uses condoms with everyone else except with me and that he is clean. As far as it being cheating, he may have thought I was going to be another casual woman in his life and didn't tell me everything upfront. Now that he loves me he is being honest. If I hadn't fallen in love with him, it would have been easier to choose to leave but now I don't think that is an option for me. I will be more upset without him in my life. I suppose it is something I have to deal with until it might one day change. I'm sorry, but I had to laugh out loud when I read that part. Yeah, right. I had a psycho ex who cheated on me 8 times, and AFAIK he said the same thing to each of the girls, including me, although I only directly spoke to 2 of them. Also, I saw that you posted about colorless stool? I'm sorry the thread degenerated, but it can be a sign of viral hepatitis, which is also an STD. So I woudl see a doctor ASAP.
BeFree Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 We are having sex and did discuss it. He said that he uses condoms with everyone else except with me and that he is clean. As far as it being cheating, he may have thought I was going to be another casual woman in his life and didn't tell me everything upfront. Now that he loves me he is being honest. If I hadn't fallen in love with him, it would have been easier to choose to leave but now I don't think that is an option for me. I will be more upset without him in my life. I suppose it is something I have to deal with until it might one day change. If he loved you, he would not be sleeping with other girls. Plain and simple. Don't be a fool. Lots of men lie about "I love you." Just to get some poon. (as catgirl put it)
ms_jnj Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 He said that it is not ok for me to be with other men. This is a red flag that he is quite possessive and controlling...at the very least he is extremely selfish. I think this one might be a lost cause...you might want to cut your losses and get out.
blue16 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I don't understand what you mean by that. I thought players in general already have a bad name. Well I used to think a player meant a cool guy who gets lots of girls, can hookup with multiple ones at the same time. As he's got so much game, even if the girls find out he is seeing others, they just don't care because they just wanna spend time with him. But now the term has the impression of some guy running a scheme, lying and manipulating multiple girls at once. Gone now is the indearing term 'player'. Now it is synonymous with 'dirtbag' 'sleazebag' etc. Oh well.
Sassy Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 So he wants to date other women, but he doesn't want you to date other guys? That is hilarious. This guy is very selfish. He has you right where he wants you. To coin the old phrase, he is having his cake and eating it too. If this guy truly loved you, he would not be dating others as well. My advice to you is to get rid of him and find someone who is willing to spend there time with just you. Riddler you said what i was thinking! He is a cake man. For him to tell you he is doing it and he doesn't want you to. He doesn't love you at all if he did he wouldn't continue to see other women. He is a loser run and don't look back before you get too deep .
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Now I am crying reading the replies as it is all sinking in. I thought everything was working out between us. Now I realize I am always making excuses to excuse whatever is bothering me about him. I'll have a moment of clarity, but then I start telling myself he is being honest and not to misjudge him. It is very hard to be going through this and to be taken for a fool if he is in fact lying to the extent everyone thinks he is.
catgirl1927 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Now I am crying reading the replies as it is all sinking in. I thought everything was working out between us. Now I realize I am always making excuses to excuse whatever is bothering me about him. I'll have a moment of clarity, but then I start telling myself he is being honest and not to misjudge him. It is very hard to be going through this and to be taken for a fool if he is in fact lying to the extent everyone thinks he is. It is hard, because you trusted and believed in him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. The important thing now is not to waste one more second of your precious time on him. These are not things a guy tells a girl that he cares about. These are usually the last things a guy tells a girl before she WALKS. I hope you can gather enough strength to move on and enough confidence to know you'll be fine when you do.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 I feel like a child as far as how slowly everything is sinking in one step at a time. Now I am realizing yes I do have to start cutting ties and walk away. This was not even a consideration when I started the thread. He even described one of the girls. She sounds very very beautiful with a perfect body, but his point was that even over her he still loves me and I am his girl and am the special one. Now everything is starting to upset me. He probably thinks I am an idiot but the more I step back and detach myself from my feelings towards him, the more clearly I can see the picture.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I have never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it. Maybe you and him and his harem can move north to Utah. Become Mormons and practice poligamy. F2BM, you can be wife #1. It'll be one big happy family No, I'm just kidding.
BeFree Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I feel like a child as far as how slowly everything is sinking in one step at a time. Now I am realizing yes I do have to start cutting ties and walk away. This was not even a consideration when I started the thread. He even described one of the girls. She sounds very very beautiful with a perfect body, but his point was that even over her he still loves me and I am his girl and am the special one. Now everything is starting to upset me. He probably thinks I am an idiot but the more I step back and detach myself from my feelings towards him, the more clearly I can see the picture. I'm sorry this guy took advantage of you. I just can't believe he would describe another girl to you. You need to get mad as hell, pick your self up, brush off you knees and move on with your life. You are going to meet a great guy who will treat you right and you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in this loser. Take care of yourself.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I can't believe how blind I have been. If that's how all of you see it, then I am going to tell him that all this time I have been believing everything he tells me and have been admiring his honesty. However, now that he is saying he loves me and I do not feel loved by him, I have to question his sincerity and along with it everything else he has told me, especially about the condoms. When I told him I loved him, I reallly wasn't expecting for him to say that he loved me too. Now that I think about it, maybe he did say it just to make me happy. Instead, I am getting upset now that he could be actually lying. This is awful. I can't even sleep thinking about all this when initiallly my only concern was the whole exclusivity issue. Don't beat yourself over this. The love you've been feeling for him has just clouded your judgement and now it seems we've opened your eyes enough so you can take a step back and think. Take the time you need and don't go calling him and discussing it all with him right now. He will try to pull the wool over your eyes again, so when you DO talk to him, you need to be strong and sure about what you'd like to say and STICK TO IT. Not backdown or fall into his arms by him whispering sweet nothings in your ear. As an update, he emailed this morning that he would give me a call later TODAY. He used to call a lot, then last Sunday he was cold towards me and hardly called the whole week. This whole day I waited and he never called. He called in the evening not too late, yawning and saying he was tired and was on the phone for a total of about 5 minutes when we used to talk for hours before and he'd call and email throughout the day. It could be that the newness and excitement isn't there like it used to be... He says one thing but his actions are saying something else. That is important and you have to recognize this. Now that I am beginning to question how honest he really is, as hard as it is to do, why would he tell me yesterday that he loves me? I had been feeling happy all day about that, yet his actions don't support being in love with me. He was quick to get off the phone and now I am hurt wondering if he had a date to go to now that I know he is seeing other women. Exactly, what I was just saying. And you're right, his actions are not saying he is inlove with you. Maybe in LUST, but not inlove. Big difference! It is so hurtful. The difficult part is that I have fallen in love with him, but it seems only to get myself hurt. Just when I thought everything was going great, they have changed very quickly from week to week and now I don't know what to do to make it go back to how things were before. Why would he say he loves me if he really doesn't? When he said he did, I said "really?" and when he said it again I said "You really love me?" and he said yes again. He could have said "it's too early, not yet" or any other resaonable excuse. Some of you are saying that if he really loved me that there would be noone else for him, only me. But you hear of married couples don't you who are happy and love each other but who have what is called an open marriage where they get together sexually with other people. Start detaching and protect your heart. You can't continue on this rollercoaster ride, he's not worth it! Even if he makes you feel good and you have fun with him, after all that's said and done, he leaves you hurting and questioning everything. That isn't healthy! Emotionally, he is doing so much damage to your self esteem. I want to believe that he is in love with me and instead of cheating behind my back, told me that he is also seeing other women. Is that really an impossibility? I appreciate the feedback as it is opening my eyes to see things differently and to question what he tells me whereas so far I blindly believe without questioning everything he tells me. The thought that he could have lied about saying that he uses condoms with everyone else is troubling me to no end. I think the next time I see him in person I have to talk to him about this to make sure he is being fully honest with me about it. He knows how highly I value my health. Now I can't sleep thinking about all this. I'm glad you're thinking of this and if you ever decide to sleep with him again, use protection! Take some away from him. This is the only way you'll be able to detach enough and make things better for you. Don't even concern yourself about how he might feel or react to you doing this.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 I appreciate all of the good advice and insight provided here. I have decided to cut my contact drastically. It is especially hard because that is what he is doing. Again he didn't call me tonight and it feels awful. I wish he was going to so I would not answer the phone and he would see that I am cutting contact. Instead, it is as if he is sensing something and is initiating it himself. It is so hurtful. Instead of trying to make me feel better, he is treating me worse. I don't know how to feel better about this whole thing. He sent a brief text message earlier and I responded by a long detailed one and he never wrote back.
justagirliegirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 More importantly, have you been to the doc yet to be tested?
Guest Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 dump this guy! What good for the goose is good for the gander, he doesn't want you dating anyone else cause that means this his little booty call list might be one person short. He doesn't want to be with you, and not only that but he doesn't want you to find someone that might make you happy. I say dump this guy to the curve and let him have his fun while you find someone that will respect you I agree! What a loser and a s*** bag! Have soem respect for yourself girl. You deserve more and someone who wouldn't even think of something like this.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I appreciate all of the good advice and insight provided here. I have decided to cut my contact drastically. It is especially hard because that is what he is doing. Again he didn't call me tonight and it feels awful. I wish he was going to so I would not answer the phone and he would see that I am cutting contact. Instead, it is as if he is sensing something and is initiating it himself. It is so hurtful. Instead of trying to make me feel better, he is treating me worse. I don't know how to feel better about this whole thing. He sent a brief text message earlier and I responded by a long detailed one and he never wrote back. You have control over this right now, meaning you control yourself, and he controls himself...Don't take this the wrong way, but I highly doubt he is putting much thought into this relationship and you. You spend alot of timing thinking and wondering - ANd yeah, that's a woman thing, we just DO that, but this guy is NOT worth the time or energy to think about. Infact, he isn't worthy of your thoughts! The fact you opened up after he text messaged you and you sent a long reply back - His silence speaks volumes! (most) Men don't know how to handle long replies, full of emotion and passion when it comes to problems or opening up in a relationship...SO that is a reason why he didn't write you back, probably didn't know what to say. As well as, he probably doesn't care enough to even bother! If he loved you, he would have atleast acknowledged your note back and said he read it and you'll talk later. But, that didn't happen... You also need to keep busier, not put all your eggs in one basket, "wait" for him to call you...Ofcourse you're disappointed because you expect SO much from him, and he keeps on letting you down. You're doing the right thing for you now, back off and leave him alone. Live your own life, see your friends and enjoy yourself! Don't make him the only thing in your life because he can't supply you your own happiness. Only you can do that for yourself.
AriaIncognito Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Nice post WWIU. I second that. Keep yourself busy, fun. The only thing you can do now, is try to keep busy, establish new hobbies/friends/etc so that you can be out there when the man of your dreams is looking for you. It's so hard, so know that we are here for when you need us. Jennifer
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Thanks for the words of encouragement and acknowledging how hard it is to start letting go to move on, otherwise I was thinking I must be very weak. I am suffering so much right now. The only control I have over him is that I logged onto my messenger list late last night for the only reason for him to see I'm on and wonder who I am chatting with. I fell asleep before logging off. Early this morning he has sent me an email - nothing along the lines of how I am doing or us but a neutral topic I have not responded yet but now I feel like I have at least SOME control whereas so far he has been calling ALL of the shots and I have had no opportunity to have the uppr hand. I woke up angry at him but now that I see his email I feel like caving in and responding right away like I always do. This is when I am beginning to actively create the distance. I don't want him to think I'm playing games. It is not to get him back but for me to feel better with myself.
climbergirl Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Yes, honest. He could have easily said, "sure, let's be exclusive," and continued to date other women. THAT would be shady. But, he was very forthcoming in telling her point blank that he is seeing other women (and that he doesn't want her to see other guys). Good relationship material? No. But, he was honest with her. My initial thought while first reading was 'give him credit for being honest', but when I came to the part where she can't date----he now seems more pretentious than honest to pull this domineering crap. What he's really saying is, "I need more then you, but I am all you need". What bulls***. IMO-if you don't date others he'll lose any respect for you.
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