Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months now and have fallen in love with him. We had a talk last night and he said that he is dating other women as well and doesn't want to be exclusive with me. We spend a lot of time together and I have already developed a lot of feelings for him. Yesterday I told him that I loved him and he said he loves me too. I have never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it. I don't want to leave him but it hurts to think he also gets together with other women. He said that it is not ok for me to be with other men. This is good in that it means he loves me too much to want me to be with someone else, but why does he get to set a double standard? I wouldn't want to be with anyone else anyways. Will he eventually become exclusive with me and will I feel ok about it if I don't think of the other women? He rarely kisses me so now I'm wondering if it's because there is another girl he might have stronger feelings for who he kisses instead of me. Please help what should I do. I fell like I'm his favorite though because he spends all of his weekends with me and not other women. Now if he doesn't call me during the week I will wonder if he is with someone else. Should I not think of the other women? Would it have been better had he not told me this?
Pyro Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months now and have fallen in love with him. We had a talk last night and he said that he is dating other women as well and doesn't want to be exclusive with me. We spend a lot of time together and I have already developed a lot of feelings for him. Yesterday I told him that I loved him and he said he loves me too. I have never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it. I don't want to leave him but it hurts to think he also gets together with other women. He said that it is not ok for me to be with other men. This is good in that it means he loves me too much to want me to be with someone else, but why does he get to set a double standard? I wouldn't want to be with anyone else anyways. Will he eventually become exclusive with me and will I feel ok about it if I don't think of the other women? He rarely kisses me so now I'm wondering if it's because there is another girl he might have stronger feelings for who he kisses instead of me. Please help what should I do. I fell like I'm his favorite though because he spends all of his weekends with me and not other women. Now if he doesn't call me during the week I will wonder if he is with someone else. Should I not think of the other women? Would it have been better had he not told me this? So he wants to date other women, but he doesn't want you to date other guys? That is hilarious. This guy is very selfish. He has you right where he wants you. To coin the old phrase, he is having his cake and eating it too. If this guy truly loved you, he would not be dating others as well. My advice to you is to get rid of him and find someone who is willing to spend there time with just you.
tikigods Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 dump this guy! What good for the goose is good for the gander, he doesn't want you dating anyone else cause that means this his little booty call list might be one person short. He doesn't want to be with you, and not only that but he doesn't want you to find someone that might make you happy. I say dump this guy to the curve and let him have his fun while you find someone that will respect you
gfto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Should I not think of the other women? You should think of some other men. I have to give him credit for being honest. But, if he doesn't want to be exclusive after three months, then he probably never will. As they say...he's just not that into you. If he was, he would want to be exclusive. All that aside, the fact that he told you it isn't alright for you to see other people is a big red flag. He sounds kind of controlling.
luvtoto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 You should think of some other men. I have to give him credit for being honest. But, if he doesn't want to be exclusive after three months, then he probably never will. As they say...he's just not that into you. If he was, he would want to be exclusive. All that aside, the fact that he told you it isn't alright for you to see other people is a big red flag. He sounds kind of controlling. Honest?! Shady is more like it.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Had he said it was ok for me to see other guys I might get upset that he doesn't love me enough and would not have a problem sharing me. That part I can live with. I wouldn't want to be with other men while being with him anyways. The hard part is that I have now developed feelings for him and I don't think I will be able to call it quits. If this guy truly loved you, he would not be dating others as well. If he didn't truly love me, then he wouldn't have said he did. He is a very honest person. That's why he told me about the other women. He never says things he doesn't mean. Except he did say that he has to tell the other girls some lies so they don't get upset. I have a feeling the other girls don't know he's not exclusive with them. I feel like he has the most feelings for me and really does love me. I want to know if he will eventually become exclusive or if he doesn't, will I get used to him being with other women. Sometimes he won't see me on a Friday or Saturday and now I will know it is because he is with someone else whereas before it was for work or he's too tired.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Honest?! Shady is more like it. He had the opportunity to be shady by not telling me. I wasn't suspecting anything. I think he was being very honest and I respect that.
catgirl1927 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Seriously? He wants poon on the side while you sit at home and wait? You are so much better than this, sweetie. Imagine if one of your friends came to you with this story. This guy doesn't love you, he's telling you what he has to in order to get what he wants from you. If after 3 months he doesn't want to be exclusive, he never will. My guess is, this guy probably won't be exclusive after his wedding. What a jerk.
JustWantToBeHappy Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 This situation happened to a friend of mine. She was dating a guy she was crazy about. He kept the relationship moving slower than she wanted. Finally, after almost a year, he said he didn't want to be exclusive. (However, he didn't tell her not to see anyone else) Well, what she did was immediately start dating others as well. She hated it because she loved him BUT it drove him crazy. One night, she was out on a date and he was calling her cell and she ignored it. She got dropped off at her house from her date and he was waiting for her begging and pleading to never date anyone again. Exclusive they were, from that moment on. I went to their wedding on April 22nd of this year. True Story
gfto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Honest?! Shady is more like it. Yes, honest. He could have easily said, "sure, let's be exclusive," and continued to date other women. THAT would be shady. But, he was very forthcoming in telling her point blank that he is seeing other women (and that he doesn't want her to see other guys). Good relationship material? No. But, he was honest with her.
luvtoto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 He had the opportunity to be shady by not telling me. I wasn't suspecting anything. I think he was being very honest and I respect that. If he is such a super honest guy, he would have told his intentions to you on your first date. Not wait three months down the road to bring it to your attention. If you are staying over at his house for 3-4 nights in a row, I am assuming you are having sex. So, he's sleeping with you and god know who else. That's called cheating. Especially if you didn't know he was with other women.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 If he is such a super honest guy, he would have told his intentions to you on your first date. Not wait three months down the road to bring it to your attention. If you are staying over at his house for 3-4 nights in a row, I am assuming you are having sex. So, he's sleeping with you and god know who else. That's called cheating. Especially if you didn't know he was with other women. We are having sex and did discuss it. He said that he uses condoms with everyone else except with me and that he is clean. As far as it being cheating, he may have thought I was going to be another casual woman in his life and didn't tell me everything upfront. Now that he loves me he is being honest. If I hadn't fallen in love with him, it would have been easier to choose to leave but now I don't think that is an option for me. I will be more upset without him in my life. I suppose it is something I have to deal with until it might one day change.
gfto Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 We are having sex and did discuss it. He said that he uses condoms with everyone else except with me and that he is clean. As far as it being cheating, he may have thought I was going to be another casual woman in his life and didn't tell me everything upfront. Now that he loves me he is being honest. If I hadn't fallen in love with him, it would have been easier to choose to leave but now I don't think that is an option for me. I will be more upset without him in my life. I suppose it is something I have to deal with until it might one day change. With all due respect, this is freighteningly naive.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I don't want to leave him but it hurts to think he also gets together with other women. He said that it is not ok for me to be with other men. This is good in that it means he loves me too much to want me to be with someone else, but why does he get to set a double standard? I wouldn't want to be with anyone else anyways. Uhh, can we say he has control issues???? It's OK for him to be with as many women as he pleases, and screw YOUR feelings, like, who cares if it hurts you! But, if you choose to date other men, he has told you NO! WTF. If he didn't truly love me, then he wouldn't have said he did. He is a very honest person. That's why he told me about the other women. He never says things he doesn't mean. Except he did say that he has to tell the other girls some lies so they don't get upset. I have a feeling the other girls don't know he's not exclusive with them. I feel like he has the most feelings for me and really does love me. Read your words again. And then again. And then read the wording I hilighted in BOLD. He has LIED to these other women, and told you he has. Don't you think it's POSSIBLE that he has lied to you as well? Now, I am not in this situation, and I don't know you nor him - So I could be wrong...But in my life experience so far, THIS IS A HUGE red flag. You're waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too trusting of this man. He has you on strings and knows which buttons to press to get you to do what he wants. Open your eyes! Pretend this is your bestfriend in your situation and you're giving her advice. Step out of the box for a moment and see the full picture here. Honestly, what advice would you give her? I'd like to know. I feel for you because you're selling yourself short. You are the one who is missing out on something wonderful and being with a man who will commit just to you...Love only you... Sidenote to add: He is sleeping with other women and YOU. And you don't know if he is using protection with those other women...And you don't know if those other women are with other men, not using protection...So...Imagine this! You get a STD. It is more than likely you will someday, so please, make sure you atleast use a condom and get tested regularly. Infact, I would ask HIM (and ask to see the proof) to get tested regulary as well. Good luck. I fear you're going to need it...
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I see you have posted that he uses condoms with everybody but you. LIE! LIE! LIE! He has also admitted to you that he has lied to the other women in his life, but not to you...LIE! LIE! LIE! Come on!! Sorry to be harsh, but how old are you? Why are you fallling for his lines of bulls***! Please, be smart.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Read your words again. And then again. And then read the wording I hilighted in BOLD. I just did and it's kind of scary. Your whole post is making me think differently. I never thought he was lying to me. He places a big importance on being honest and whenever he suspects I may be telling the slightest lie he inquires about it to death and states how important it is for us to be honest with each other. Now I have to find out if he is lying to me or if he is being dead honest. If I ask to see proof of an STD check, what type of exams do they do on men? For us women we get our pap smears but is there an equivelent type of testing I could ask him to get for my peace of mind? It never crossed my mind that he could be having unprotected sex with others. I always trust that he is being honest with me. What if he really is being honest and gets upset if I question him?
Dagny Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 You should not be caring about his body at the moment, but rather about yours. He showing you some std papers mean nothing if he's sleeping with women currently. Pls go get that STD check! its very very very important!!! If he sleeps with you unprotected (without any exclusivity), there's no reason why he would not sleep with other women unprotected too. I learnt this the hard way after being with a man (whom I thought responsible, honest, all of these virtues) who told me with a straight sincere stare that he was clean, tested, careful..did community work, whatever. (Thats the answer to how honest you think he is). This "honest" guy who gave nothing but the impression of honesty was gallavainting around with thai hookers. Pls go get the checkup
Star Gazer Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 OMG hunny, you are being played the fool. I echo WWIU's comments. You are worth so much more than what this loser is offering you.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Look, if someone is always saying to you, TRUST ME, I am NOT lying to you and I'm always honest...I only lie to those other women and NOT YOU. To me, that is a huge red flag! You just made me smile because I am opening your eyes...But I am sad for you because it seems you really do love this man. HE doesn't deserve you! He's a schmuck! whenever he suspects I may be telling the slightest lie he inquires about it to death and states how important it is for us to be honest with each other. By saying this, accusing YOU of lying...Or not being honest is shadowing what HE is actually doing. He's reflecting it on YOU and making YOU feel awful because I'm sure it feels like he's accusing YOU of doing something wrong...And you're not. HE is! Remember that! The thing is, he isn't going to come out and say to you, "oh yes, I've been lying to you as well..." Don't expect an answer like that to come out of his mouth. The only way to make it clear to him that you aren't falling for his bulls*** anymore is just NOT to see him for a while. DO other things, see your friends, even go on casual dates with men. Visit family, take a holiday. Just separate yourself from him and detach abit more...I think you'll see things even more in a different light. I know this probably is hurting your heart and I sympathize with you...It's just not a healthy relationship for you to be in. Sexually and emotionally! Hang in there and please, keep posting your thoughts. We are here to help you!
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 If I ask to see proof of an STD check, what type of exams do they do on men? For us women we get our pap smears but is there an equivelent type of testing I could ask him to get for my peace of mind? It never crossed my mind that he could be having unprotected sex with others. I always trust that he is being honest with me. What if he really is being honest and gets upset if I question him? From now on IF you decide to have sex with him again (though I hope you won't for a while) you tell him that YOU have decided he MUST use a condom with you. Go to your doctor and have a full physical done. Ask for all the blood tests, and (without too much detail) tell them that the person you're with has had many partners in the past and you would just like to be tested to be safe. Look, I'm telling you, if he really wanted to be with just you and loved only you, he would be with JUST YOU and noone else. He is having his cake and eating it too. I am sorry and I don't mean to hurt your feelings or belittle your relationship with him...I just find it hard to believe that someone could feed you those lines of bulls*** and treat you like he has been treating you and then have the balls to turn it all around on YOU. That just plain sucks and is manipulative. He has control issues and is very selfish too. Cake eater is what those types of men are called. Don't bring this up to him, don't even ask him if he's been tested, because he WILL turn it on you. Trust me on this one. Just go and take care of yourself, get tested and talk to your doctor. Keep me updated, k. Hugs!
tikigods Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I think my brain just exploded. He is LYING TO YOU!!! HA he uses condoms with everyone but you?! If I was you I would get my butt down to the doctors TOMORROW and get a blood test and then RUN not walk frmo this guy cause y
AriaIncognito Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 This situation happened to a friend of mine. She was dating a guy she was crazy about. He kept the relationship moving slower than she wanted. Finally, after almost a year, he said he didn't want to be exclusive. (However, he didn't tell her not to see anyone else) Well, what she did was immediately start dating others as well. She hated it because she loved him BUT it drove him crazy. One night, she was out on a date and he was calling her cell and she ignored it. She got dropped off at her house from her date and he was waiting for her begging and pleading to never date anyone again. Exclusive they were, from that moment on. I went to their wedding on April 22nd of this year. True Story That's an awesome story, and inspiring to those who haven't yet gotten the commitment. Also proves that sometimes, you need to show a man (or woman) exactly what they are missing, in order for them to realize what they had. Sometimes people take others for granted. As for this case, I dont know, on one hand the OP says "he's so honest" but then in the very next sentence she says "but he told me he lies to the other women". Honey, if he's lying to them, what makes you so sure you aren't being lied to. I'd say, move on. He's not treating you fairly. It would be one thing if he didnt' want to be "exclusive" so to speak and you both saw others, but you two are on different pages entirely. Good luck to you. Jennifer
blue16 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 These are the kind of guys that give 'players' bad names.
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 These are the kind of guys that give 'players' bad names. I don't understand what you mean by that. I thought players in general already have a bad name. As an update, he emailed this morning that he would give me a call later TODAY. He used to call a lot, then last Sunday he was cold towards me and hardly called the whole week. This whole day I waited and he never called. He called in the evening not too late, yawning and saying he was tired and was on the phone for a total of about 5 minutes when we used to talk for hours before and he'd call and email throughout the day. Now that I am beginning to question how honest he really is, as hard as it is to do, why would he tell me yesterday that he loves me? I had been feeling happy all day about that, yet his actions don't support being in love with me. He was quick to get off the phone and now I am hurt wondering if he had a date to go to now that I know he is seeing other women. It is so hurtful. The difficult part is that I have fallen in love with him, but it seems only to get myself hurt. Just when I thought everything was going great, they have changed very quickly from week to week and now I don't know what to do to make it go back to how things were before. Why would he say he loves me if he really doesn't? When he said he did, I said "really?" and when he said it again I said "You really love me?" and he said yes again. He could have said "it's too early, not yet" or any other resaonable excuse. Some of you are saying that if he really loved me that there would be noone else for him, only me. But you hear of married couples don't you who are happy and love each other but who have what is called an open marriage where they get together sexually with other people. I want to believe that he is in love with me and instead of cheating behind my back, told me that he is also seeing other women. Is that really an impossibility? I appreciate the feedback as it is opening my eyes to see things differently and to question what he tells me whereas so far I blindly believe without questioning everything he tells me. The thought that he could have lied about saying that he uses condoms with everyone else is troubling me to no end. I think the next time I see him in person I have to talk to him about this to make sure he is being fully honest with me about it. He knows how highly I value my health. Now I can't sleep thinking about all this. Also how can I distance myself from him? On the one hand I feel that if I do, it will only give him the opportunity to spend more time with another girl and I might lose him for good considering he is already calling me less often. Logic says to try to win him over more so he calls more and things go back to how they were before. On the other hand I am feeling so hurt reading these comments that personally I want some time away from him. I don't want to tell him that but I don't know what excuses to use not to see him when he asks to.
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