officespace Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Okay, girls....I know, I know. I hit an all-time low last Thursday but the outcome was actually positive. Here goes: if you've been reading my posts, you know that I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why my ex cut off communication once I broke up and hasn't tried to contact me once. We were friends for five years prior so it was quite a shock to one day have him completely out of my life. Anyway, I went out thursday with friends, had a little too much sangria, and at 10:30, I realized that thursday were always date nights for us. My drunken logic thought it mad perfect sense to booty text message him. LOL! He never responded that night. The next day I got an email saying, he was going to send me a response shortly. I got sick to my stomach, thinking he would say "what the hell do i have to do to get you out of my life?" Well.....it was totally the opposite. He just said that he does still consider me one of his best friends even though he is avoiding me right now. He said he is doing that because he still has feelings for me and because of the potential for drama if we try to be friends right now. For some reason, hearing from him made me feel alot better. I responded that I am probably pushing the friendship thing to soon, but as long as I know he doesn't hate me and still cares, I can go on with my life without him. And for some reason, finally hearing from him brought me some sense of closure with the romantic relationship. Now, I am not naive. I know it's too soon. We won't be communicating in person. And there is no turning back for me. He can't give me what I need and I won't settle for less anymore. But I feel hopeful that we can eventually work back to friends, like before. He then sent another email saying he didn't get my text message until the morning (he's one of those guys that hates cell phones), he left it in his desk. He said he almost wished he had taken it with him. But then, he said that would be pretty s***ty of him to just return my call when booty is on the table and otherwise avoid me. I just laughed it off with a joke response and said, yeah, that would be pretty s***ty. All that said, there has been no booty call follow thru and no in-person contact. We've exchanged just a few text messages with benign content, just stuff about movies and haircuts and stuff. Okay, now.....am I going down a dangerous path. I know there is no future for he and I, in the sense of a real relationship. Do you think we can be friends eventually? It is realistic?
zarathustra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Okay, girls....I know, I know. I hit an all-time low last Thursday but the outcome was actually positive. Here goes: if you've been reading my posts, you know that I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why my ex cut off communication once I broke up and hasn't tried to contact me once. We were friends for five years prior so it was quite a shock to one day have him completely out of my life. Anyway, I went out thursday with friends, had a little too much sangria, and at 10:30, I realized that thursday were always date nights for us. My drunken logic thought it mad perfect sense to booty text message him. LOL! He never responded that night. The next day I got an email saying, he was going to send me a response shortly. I got sick to my stomach, thinking he would say "what the hell do i have to do to get you out of my life?" Well.....it was totally the opposite. He just said that he does still consider me one of his best friends even though he is avoiding me right now. He said he is doing that because he still has feelings for me and because of the potential for drama if we try to be friends right now. For some reason, hearing from him made me feel alot better. I responded that I am probably pushing the friendship thing to soon, but as long as I know he doesn't hate me and still cares, I can go on with my life without him. And for some reason, finally hearing from him brought me some sense of closure with the romantic relationship. Now, I am not naive. I know it's too soon. We won't be communicating in person. And there is no turning back for me. He can't give me what I need and I won't settle for less anymore. But I feel hopeful that we can eventually work back to friends, like before. He then sent another email saying he didn't get my text message until the morning (he's one of those guys that hates cell phones), he left it in his desk. He said he almost wished he had taken it with him. But then, he said that would be pretty s***ty of him to just return my call when booty is on the table and otherwise avoid me. I just laughed it off with a joke response and said, yeah, that would be pretty s***ty. All that said, there has been no booty call follow thru and no in-person contact. We've exchanged just a few text messages with benign content, just stuff about movies and haircuts and stuff. Okay, now.....am I going down a dangerous path. I know there is no future for he and I, in the sense of a real relationship. Do you think we can be friends eventually? It is realistic? IMHO, I don't think its a realistic expectation. I also think that the expectation and anticipation on your end would equate to taking more time to heal and get over the relationship. So what's going on? Is he moved home with his wife now or is he still living on his own in the apartment?
Author officespace Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 he's still in his own place. i have no idea if she relented and is letting him see the kids at her place. i didn't ask and i don't want to know. it's not my business anymore. he said he hardly takes his phone with him anymore, so i don't think he is seeing someone new but who knows. we aren't gonna try to be friends right now. when i say that, i'm talking about talking everyday or meeting for lunch or something. it is WAY too soon for that. maybe in 6 months? but we might say hi every once in a while.
zarathustra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 he's still in his own place. i have no idea if she relented and is letting him see the kids at her place. i didn't ask and i don't want to know. it's not my business anymore. he said he hardly takes his phone with him anymore, so i don't think he is seeing someone new but who knows. we aren't gonna try to be friends right now. when i say that, i'm talking about talking everyday or meeting for lunch or something. it is WAY too soon for that. maybe in 6 months? but we might say hi every once in a while. You sound like you are doing well. I think that if you hope to get together in 6 months, it may not do you any good where healing is concerned. Its just hiding your feelings for 6 months. Expect never to be friends again and if the opportunity arise one day, then you can be pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't bank on it as it would mean setting expectations from your end.
movinon05 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 You sound like you are doing well. I think that if you hope to get together in 6 months, it may not do you any good where healing is concerned. Its just hiding your feelings for 6 months. Expect never to be friends again and if the opportunity arise one day, then you can be pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't bank on it as it would mean setting expectations from your end. I don't mean this to be cruel, but don't believe he doesn't take his cell with him wherever he goes. Its an excuse. Do you know of anyone who does that? I don't.
zarathustra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I don't mean this to be cruel, but don't believe he doesn't take his cell with him wherever he goes. Its an excuse. Do you know of anyone who does that? I don't. I have my cell with me whenever I remember it and that's 90% of the time. Good analytical thinking, MO.
Author officespace Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 he's always been a retard when it comes to cell phones. it's a selfish thing. he turns it off or he leaves it or he lets the battery run down. he was like that years before we dated. my old ex is like that (who incidentally worked with the current xMM) and he is the same way. it's so annoying. and yes, yes, he most definently uses his cell phone bad behavior as an excuse at other times. i'm not dumb. anyway, i started to see today that he really didn't want anything close to what i wanted (and what he told me he wanted as a relationship). it was pointed out to me and i tried to make it sink in, but now I can really see the truth more clearly. It makes me sad. A little mad, but I think he was lying to everyone -- includign himself, that he wanted those things, too. Men are so strange to make those big promises, especially when you aren't asking for them. That always seems to be the time when they push the envelope. I think these guys are addicted to the chase, the rush of it all. And of course, the are eternal cake eaters. Anyway, there is no going back for me. He just can never give me what I need. Not unless he had some self-motivated RADICAL personality transformation over many years. LOL. No seriously, I feel good that we talked, but it has already started to transform back to what we were before, friends with some boundaries. It's good... and strange. But I am going with it. There is no going back. I feel like I am growing and I feel pretty darn strong.
Author officespace Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Today, I should have said. Today, I feel strong. One day at a time, right girls?
OldEurope Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Okay, now.....am I going down a dangerous path. I know there is no future for he and I, in the sense of a real relationship. Do you think we can be friends eventually? It is realistic? I for one absolutely do not believe one can, or should, have friendship "after love", so to speak. The emotions must sequester themselves, the hurt is keen, it is all around too artificial for me. I suggest you just cut him out completely, devastating as that sounds. In the past I have had to do that--an ex fiance--but it was one of the best personal decisions I ever took.
movinon05 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Today, I should have said. Today, I feel strong. One day at a time, right girls? And today is another day. Get through today and you've got two days under your belt. And so on.
rossm Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 officespace: I'm going through the same thing right now, and I know exactly how you feel. I got some great advice on here that going NC is the only way, especially if the emotions still exist. So that's what I'm trying. Starting day 2 now. We'll see how it goes. Feel free to chat with me about how you're feeling, if you want.
zarathustra Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I for one absolutely do not believe one can, or should, have friendship "after love", so to speak. The emotions must sequester themselves, the hurt is keen, it is all around too artificial for me. I suggest you just cut him out completely, devastating as that sounds. In the past I have had to do that--an ex fiance--but it was one of the best personal decisions I ever took. I agree... I tried to be friends with an ex-fiance once. He called me but my phone lost signal so he thought I hung up on him and never called me again. I didn't care to speak to him so I never took any initiative to call him. I think he knows I'm married as I bumped into his best friend a while after I got married and he started preaching to me how I should tell him myself how I'm married now and that it is my responsibility to let him know. After I tore a few strips off his hide, I sent him crawling back to his loser colleagues. Needless to say, some of my friends I was hanging out with had their jaws hanging to the ground, but hey, don't f#ck with this sista! Point being, I'm sure this best friend that I told him off the way I did and that I no longer valued him in the least as a friend. It felt really really REALLY good.
Jessie61 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 I for one absolutely do not believe one can, or should, have friendship "after love", so to speak. The emotions must sequester themselves, the hurt is keen, it is all around too artificial for me. It might be a bit strange but I have always been able to stay very good friends (and I mean friends!!!) with my exBF's, both as "dumper" and as "dumpee"... I am even good friends with my exBF's WIFE!!! But, for whatever reason, I would never be able to be friends with my MM post-A... I can't figure that one out???
Author officespace Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Most of the time I do stay friends with the my exs, although more time does need to pass, I agree. I guess everyone is different in that respect. It's true; the relationship (friendship) will never be the same as it was before, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. There are limits to a friendship after being romantically involved. It depends on the strength of the emotions and the commitment to staying friends by both side, for me personally. Time will tell. It's really too soon to say. But, I will say, if/when I meet a new guy and if I really like him and my friendship with my xMM makes him uncomfortable, out of respect I would curtail contact. Like I said, though, re-establishing a friendship with him would be some time off. Now is admittedly too soon for both of us. Plus he has all kinds of stuff to sort out with himself and his marriage/divorce, whatever it ends up being. I shouldn't be any part of that. But, I feel a little comfort in the fact that for some reason, that bit of exchange between he and I brought me some sense of closure. I can't quite pinpoint why yet. I feel now like I can more clearly see my life after this year of madness and I can see it will go on and I will go on to find love again, real love. I'm still sad and heartbroken. I still wish it would have worked out. But what I realized is this -- the problem wasn't about his "marital status" or dragging his feet on divorce or any of the details surrounding that drama -- the reason it didn't work is because of who he is. The person he is. He's just not what I am looking for from a life partner. He's great as a lover and a friend. But he simply cannot commit to more, to anyone really, and he can't or won't do the work it takes for a real relationship. Not with me, not with the exW, not with past girlfriends, not with anyone. It's just who he is. He had me convinced for a while that "I" was different, and that he wanted to change for himself. He really did work on himself hard for a while. And I believe he really wanted to change. But, over time, that resolve faded. It's sad actually, because he will never be happy, with anyone. He's broken. And I know that I will. I KNOW I will.
pcakes Posted May 16, 2006 Posted May 16, 2006 I know what you are going through, it has been 8 days for me today with NC with my MM (it has just been an EA). Some days are good and I wonder what the big deal is about, but then I have hard ones that I wonder if it will ever get better and I have to hold myself back from e-mailing him. Part of me wishes he would just send me an quick note to see how I was doing, but the other part of me knows that would not be good either. Unfortunately we are neighbors and are all friends (MM/MW, H and I) so every time I look out the window I either see him or something that reminds me of him. I truely hope he and I can be friends still, I have always enjoyed his company even before we found out how we felt about each other. Not to mention it would look awfully strange to the SO's if we just stopped being socialble to each other. Try and be strong, I can't say from experiance but I do hope it gets easier for you.
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