she confessed - I hit her

[confusedhusband]

Thank you for your response but it would seem the majority are more worried about me hitting my wife then her admitting to me that she has feelings for another man. My original post is to follow..... However I feel terrible for hitting her... everytime I look at her it reminds me of that night and how awful it was.... It was one of the worst nights of my life... Since my last post we have talked more.... She says the only thing she could think of as to why she would say the things she did was because we were fighting. She doesn't remember me hitting her or why either.... She still says she doesn't remember anything. We have made up now. But I still worry about what she said...

 

 

I think my wife has feelings for another man

 

Last weekend we both had been drinking and she ended up getting really drunk. So drunk that she doesn’t even remember the events that happened.

 

We got home me her and our friend who had also been drinking but was to drunk to drive – he slept on the couch. My wife and I went upstairs and I was trying to get her undressed and In bed. She started freaking out kicking at me and whipping at me with her braw. It was like she didn’t know who I was and that I was trying to rape her or something. It was so scary – It was like it wasn’t even my wife.

 

Anyway I started to loose my patients and started to get mad at her. Then we started arguing about stupid stuff. Then she wanted to go downstairs and hang out with buddy. I wasn’t about to let that happen so I was like no why do want to go hang out with him anyway. We argued about it some more and the next words out of her mouth shocked me –she said “I have feeling for him Im tired of hiding them – I love him.” I was like what the hell. She proceeded then to tell me all the things that he has to offer that I couldn’t provide her with ie... a good job saying I don’t treat her with respect and that he would s*** like that.

 

I was getting madder and madder and she was just saying awful things to me. I tried to force her to bed but she was fighting me and I ended up hitting her. She was so upset she didn’t speak to me anymore that night. The fight was over or so I thought. She tried several times to sneak down stairs to see her friend. After the first time I hid her clothes so she wouldn’t leave. She tried again - Remember she has no clothes on so now she was trying to leave the room naked. I asked her where she was going and she said she wanted to go downstairs to lay with her friend that he would never of hit her and that he would protect her. I put her back in bed and that was it for the night.

 

When we awoke in the morning she was very upset – her eye was badly brusied and swollen. She asked me why did you hit me so I told her that she had confessed to being in love with her friend. She was dumbfounded that she would of said such things and insured me that this isn’t the case and doesn’t know why she would of said such things. Only that maybe she said them because she was trying to hurt him because they were fighting. I asked her why would she want to go downstairs to him. She said that maybe because I had hit her and that she needed a friend.

 

What do you think

[Sup]

Thank you for your response but it would seem the majority are more worried about me hitting my wife then her admitting to me that she has feelings for another man. My original post is to follow..... However I feel terrible for hitting her... everytime I look at her it reminds me of that night and how awful it was.... It was one of the worst nights of my life... Since my last post we have talked more.... She says the only thing she could think of as to why she would say the things she did was because we were fighting. She doesn't remember me hitting her or why either.... She still says she doesn't remember anything. We have made up now. But I still worry about what she said...

 

 

I think my wife has feelings for another man

 

Last weekend we both had been drinking and she ended up getting really drunk. So drunk that she doesn’t even remember the events that happened.

 

We got home me her and our friend who had also been drinking but was to drunk to drive – he slept on the couch. My wife and I went upstairs and I was trying to get her undressed and In bed. She started freaking out kicking at me and whipping at me with her braw. It was like she didn’t know who I was and that I was trying to rape her or something. It was so scary – It was like it wasn’t even my wife.

 

Anyway I started to loose my patients and started to get mad at her. Then we started arguing about stupid stuff. Then she wanted to go downstairs and hang out with buddy. I wasn’t about to let that happen so I was like no why do want to go hang out with him anyway. We argued about it some more and the next words out of her mouth shocked me –she said “I have feeling for him Im tired of hiding them – I love him.” I was like what the hell. She proceeded then to tell me all the things that he has to offer that I couldn’t provide her with ie... a good job saying I don’t treat her with respect and that he would s*** like that.

 

I was getting madder and madder and she was just saying awful things to me. I tried to force her to bed but she was fighting me and I ended up hitting her. She was so upset she didn’t speak to me anymore that night. The fight was over or so I thought. She tried several times to sneak down stairs to see her friend. After the first time I hid her clothes so she wouldn’t leave. She tried again - Remember she has no clothes on so now she was trying to leave the room naked. I asked her where she was going and she said she wanted to go downstairs to lay with her friend that he would never of hit her and that he would protect her. I put her back in bed and that was it for the night.

 

When we awoke in the morning she was very upset – her eye was badly brusied and swollen. She asked me why did you hit me so I told her that she had confessed to being in love with her friend. She was dumbfounded that she would of said such things and insured me that this isn’t the case and doesn’t know why she would of said such things. Only that maybe she said them because she was trying to hurt him because they were fighting. I asked her why would she want to go downstairs to him. She said that maybe because I had hit her and that she needed a friend.

 

What do you think

 

Marriage Counseling and quick!

[whichwayisup]

I agree and also both of you need some individual counselling. She needs to sort out her feelings, and you need to work on yourself and learn why you did what you did and take all the necessary steps so it never happens again.

 

If you two love eachother, and you both feel the marriage is worth saving then put everything you have into it! If it doesn't work, atleast you know you tried your best.

[Curmudgeon]

I agree with asll of the above and here's a little reminder for you to tuck away for the next time, if it ever comes.

 

She won't go to jail for infidelity but you will go to jail for spousal abuse. It's not worth it!

[Citizen Erased]

You know what you did was wrong, but sometimes I wouldnt blame you. When my ex-boyfriend told me he was in love with someone else (at this time my parents were divorcing and someone tried to rape me), I lost it. My friend literally had to hold me back because I was going to kill him. Because I am female it wasnt seen as horrible. You're male so therefor you must be stronger. blah blah.

 

Fact of the matter is, you hit her and you know it was wrong, otherwise you wouldnt be here, you'd be bragging to your mates in that macho bulls*** way abusers do. Get counselling for this. You have anger issues and unless you want it to get worse, you need to sit down with someone and figure out the underlying issues in your life. Obviously for your partner to say such things whilst she was drunk, there must be some resentment, which would be why you lashed out in such a fashion as well. You were both getting to each other in the ways which you know would hurt each other, so you need to sort this relationship out asap.

[jonesgirly]

Here's what I read: you two got stupid drunk, did and said stupid stuff to each other. You lost it when she started to 'admit' to feelings for your friend, who was also drunk, downstairs and hit her.

 

Okay, what EXACTLY are you looking for? You know hitting her (drunk or not) was wrong, and can result in jail time. But what you're not saying is: does she really have feelings for this 'friend'?

 

There is no excuse (imagined or not) that would result in a justifiable reason for a man to hit his wife. Your rage at that moment obviously came from the statements she made regarding having those 'feelings' towards another man. Have you asked her to clarify her statements (in a calm, UN-intimidating manner)?

 

I get the feeling that you were both 'stupid' drunk (and I've been there before myself), and did/said thing out of character. That doesn't make your physically injuring your wife "okay." In fact, it probably only spotlights the fact that you're capable of it.

 

I think what you're really looking for is the answer to a question that maybe only you and your wife can determine - is she having a 'thing' with this other guy?

 

Get your temper/anger/whatever under control, and realize that you cannot control another persons actions, only your OWN. You would not likely look forward to a jail term, nor would you want to be branded an 'abuser.' I understand a ONE-TIME MOMENTARY LAPSE OF CONTROL - really, I do! But make no mistake - one-time is a mistake, twice is a pattern. I would hope you could answer to YOURSELF, honestly, which one under which you'd file this incident. Again, I could never excuse ANY kind of physical abuse, and I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here.

 

I, too, do not want to focus on the isolated incident (if that is the case) of you striking your wife. I believe that your real concern is that she may have feelings for this person that you would be devastated if it were the truth.

 

You are brave to admit the 'whole' scene to the world, and because of it I hope you've done some serious soul-searching. People are allowed to make mistakes, but patterns become life-long habits, and most are unwilling to understand how the shock of hearing such things from the person you've loved would enable such behavior. AND NO - FOR THOSE WHO MAY THINK I'M EXCUSING HIS BEHAVIOR - I'M NOT. What I'm saying is - I understand the pain. I would've beaten the s*** out of my husand (if I'd been able to) when I first found out about him and his 'special friend.'

 

For all of us, the pain of hearing that your loved one is 'having feelings for' another, may occasional beget irrational (although intimidating and unnecessary) behavior.

 

I hope I've touched on what you may be trying to say. Focus less on what you've done (but still get to the 'bottom' of it), and more on what you need help with.

[confusedhusband]

I guess that is the real question. does she or does she not have a thing for this guy. I have asked her calmly and she says no feelings for that friend and that I am the only one she loves and that she is so sorry for saying such evil things.

 

By the way she has not touched booze since. I have not said anything but its been 12 days since she drank last.

 

She still talks to this friend they have been friends for over 20 years. I would not ask her to not talk to him ever again he is her best friend. I trust her and trust him not to ever cheat but what if she does have feelings for him and is just denying it.

 

What if one night she gets drunk and gets careless with him. If she does have feelings for him she may not realize what she is doing. She is not herself when she is that drunk.

 

How can I tell? We are going away this weekend with him and another friend. What kind of signs should I watch for?? HELP !!

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Ahh, the feeling of betrayal cuts deep. When my H and I were discussing his feelings for OW he told me that although nothing had happened yet, in his heart he wants it to. I literally went berserk. I started hitting him and hitting him. It lasted maybe 20 seconds, maybe 30 seconds. If I were a man, and he a woman, he would have had multiple bruises all over his arms, shoulders, back, etc. I didn't know where I was hitting. I didn’t know who I was. He didn’t know who I was. It was, in fact, a loss of sanity.

 

I’m not saying this to say hitting your wife is right or to focus on that aspect of your post. I'm just saying this to let you know that I understand the one-time lapse in judgement. To hit is never right. I was in an abusive relationship in my previous marriage. I never would have ever believed I was capable of hurting someone I love physically. However, again, that betrayal cuts very deep. Not to justify my actions either ... just that at that point in time, I really wasn’t in control. As one poster said, once can be understood ... second and so-on, no way.

 

With that said, I do think that there is some very strong underlying issues that you two need to be working on. Yes, when you are stupid-drunk you forget things that were said and done. On the flip-side though, when you are stupid-drunk things you have thought in your head tend to come out in words. That doesn’t mean that she is thinking about this guy, or loves this guy like she said ... she was probably striking out at you in reaction to her warped (because of the alcohol) thoughts that you were being an a** because you two were fighting. She wouldn’t think that any of it was her fault at all, again because of the alcohol.

 

I haven’t read any of your other posts, but how long have you two been married? Do you have kids? Do you both drink frequently? Go out frequently?

[confusedhusband]

We have been married for three years. We found out yesterday that she is 6 weeks pregnant. I belive that has brought us closer together. Maybe a gift from god a slap in the face to smartin up.

 

Do you think there would be signs if she did like him. Something I can watch out for? I wonder if he likes her? The bastard better keep his thoughts to him self if he does. He is a good looking guy too A real pretty boy tall dark and handsome - im not gay or nothing

[StrivingtoSucceed]

She does like him in a way, but probably not the way you think. Otherwise, she wouldn't have used him/said the things she did to make you mad. Otherwise you guys wouldn't be friends with him.

 

It doesn't matter if he likes her, or not. And there really aren't any signs that you should be watching out for her to make in regards to him. That will just make you crazy and her guarded ... not very conducive to your goal of making your marriage great, is it?

 

What you need to do is make sure that you are doing all that you can do to make yourself, then her happy. (You have to be happy yourself before you can do things to help another person be happy.) Jealousy is not the way to keep yourself, or her happy. It will only lead to other problems down the road.

 

You need to be able to reach a point to where you know you are doing all that you can do to make your marriage great. You can only control yourself, you can't control her. As long as you are doing all that you can do, you shouldn't have a problem.

 

Problems usually result from lack of attention/affection/communication. If she doesn't feel as if you love her, or if you feel that she doesn't love you, then each of you would be vulnerable to someone else's attention. That is where the saying comes from that marriage takes work. Although, I don't like to use the word "work." It actually makes me resentful ... "why do I have to "work" at making my marriage great, it should already be great." But, what I've come to realize, and what I can accept is that marriage requires "maintenance." Sometimes, a lot of it. Keep maintaining your marriage and you shouldn't have any problems with this guy, or any other guy.

 

BTW - looks really don't have anything to do with it at all. Affairs usually start because an emotional need is not being met. Find out what your wife's top needs are, meet them and you won't have to worry about her having an affair, even if the best-looking guy in the world came sniffing around.

 

Get the book His Needs/Her Needs. Both of you will benefit from reading it.

 

Congratulations on the pregnancy! Now is the time for you two to lean on each other and make your marriage much more solid. Learn from this experience. Take it as a good sign that nothing really happened, but both your eyes have been opened and you now realize that you can't take each other for granted ... ever.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Oh, and relative to her pregnancy ... one hint that might go a long way for you. As she gets bigger, more tired, more aggravated, etc., etc. (especially during the first trimester and the third) you will need to be a lot more understanding and loving than you ever have been. She will be very self-conscious of how she looks and even if you tell her how beautiful she is to you, might not believe it. Unless you are SHOWING her in your everyday actions.

 

It's not easy being pregnant and her mood-swings are going to probably be big. It WON'T have anything to do with this other guy. It will have everything to do with her hormones. Don't allow yourself to think that it is anything else as that, will only cause problems.

[jonesgirly]

confusedhusband:

 

CONGRATS on the baby! Welcome to parenthood - the toughest job you'll ever love!

 

Yet ANOTHER good reason to stop the drinking...no wait - the ONLY reason you'll both need to stop the drinking (at least until the baby arrives). Not recommended for the babys health, the moms health, and you should abstain for support!

 

Although I should say, the occasional romantic dinner and glass of wine will do WONDERS for your wife about the time that she feels like a 'beached whale' and more unnattractive than you can possibly imagine. Believe me - I've been there! Although........I found many men very much intrigued and beguiled by my 'pregnant' self. Odd attraction.

 

This may be a very good time for the two of you to really work on your communication skills. I don't really think your wife has 'feelings' for her friend. But on the other hand, you've now been put in the uncomfortable position of 'wondering if'. I would think a session of open and honest communication is called for. You may want to express your concern that she may be hiding some sort of 'not just friends' feelings for this guy, and if that were true, you would hope she'd be able to discuss this with you, without adding an affair into the mix. And remember, having an attraction to another person, and actually ACTING on that attraction are WAY different things!

 

You're about to embark on a job that requires two people with a solid commitment not only to each other, but to their family. Express your desire to begin this new adventure honestly and openly. This may be jumping the gun, but its a very good time to discuss parenting styles as well. Its amazing how issues like discipline, religion, and educational values become stress-triggers and fight-starters. Better to get the ideas of both parents 'out there' before the moment arrives.

 

However, I do believe that you first need to express your true concerns to your wife, without the excitement of your firstborn child 'masking' any underlying trust issues between you two. Do not direct your anger (which is actually hurt and/or frustration) towards this 'guy'........instead, invest your energy into a real long-term investment - the ability to communicate with your spouse.

[burning 4 revenge]

We have been married for three years. We found out yesterday that she is 6 weeks pregnant. I belive that has brought us closer together. Maybe a gift from god a slap in the face to smartin up.

 

Do you think there would be signs if she did like him. Something I can watch out for? I wonder if he likes her? The bastard better keep his thoughts to him self if he does. He is a good looking guy too A real pretty boy tall dark and handsome - im not gay or nothing

 

She wants to f*ck him

[corwin]

I hate to be an insensitive ass at a time like this... but someone needs to play the Devil's Advocate. So, I'm going to ask......

 

Are you 110% sure the baby is yours and not his? After the way she acted, I'm not sure how you could be.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Oh, Please! These are the types of posts that are bullsh*t!

 

She wants to f*ck him

 

Just because a woman says things when she is drunk, AND striking out, doesn't mean that she wants to f*ck this guy. There is absolutely no reason to be so vulgar.

 

Get the striking out part? She felt she was being hurt from her H and wanted to hurt him back, women typically do it with words.

 

I hate to be an insensitive ass at a time like this... but someone needs to play the Devil's Advocate. So, I'm going to ask......

 

Are you 110% sure the baby is yours and not his? After the way she acted, I'm not sure how you could be.

 

While they definitely have some issues they need to learn to resolve in order to have a great marriage, and be good parents, I don't see anything in his post, or her actions, that would make someone think the baby isn't his.

 

These types of posts are not what the OP needs. He is going to be jealous enough and watching his wife like a hawk. That in itself can push a woman away. She will feel his lack of trust. It will create a much larger problem. Now you want him to sit and think that the baby isn't his?

 

Let me tell you something, and yes, this comment hit on a nerve. My ex THOUGHT that I had fooled around, because I was friends with his friend. I got pregnant. Six years and much bullsh*t later I am divorcing him and I come to find out that all that time he held resentment b/c he didn't think our son was his. HE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HIM. SIX YEARS of resentment he had held onto. SIX YEARS that he didn't treat me, or his son as he should have. Why? Because someone planted a seed in his head that was totally unfounded.

[corwin]

Strivingtosucceed.... I can certainly see, from your experience, why you feel so strongly about this. However, did you ever tell your husband that you loved this friend? Or that he was a better man and could provide for you better? These statements are where seeds of doubt get planted.

 

Yes, In all likely hood, the Baby is the husband's. And I sincerely hope it is. Now speaking from my experience, I had a very close friend devestated to learn that what he thought was his child for 10 years, was not.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

However, did you ever tell your husband that you loved this friend? Or that he was a better man and could provide for you better? These statements are where seeds of doubt get planted.

 

No I never told him I loved him. However, I did make comments about how nice he was. Why? Hoping that by bringing to my Hs attention things I liked, that he would magically start doing the same things. I would also, when things weren't going the way I wanted them to (yes, I was very immature ... this was 17 years ago) say things like X wouldn't have said that to me, or wouldn't have done that to me.

 

You are right ... things like that plant the seeds of doubt. But, just b/c she SAYS things, doesn't mean she has DONE anything. Again, from a woman's perspective (at least me and the women I know) ... we strike out with words. When we are hurt, we want to hurt back and really, the only way that is available to us most of the time is with words. (BTW - I'm not like that anymore)

 

At that time I tried making my ex act as I thought he should, by pointing out traits that I liked in his friend. My thoughts were that if he understood and was able to see what I like, then he might do those things for me because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

[littlekitty]

Drinking + Aruging = MESS.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Drinking + Aruging = MESS

 

Agree 100%. With what I said above, add drinking and arguing to the pot and things only get progressively worse.

 

OP and his wife need to learn how to communicate with each other. They need to be completely open. If you want to make your marriage last, you have to be able to communicate everything ... including any fears you may have. Don't hold on to that ... it will only breed resentment.

[corwin]

No I never told him I loved him. However, I did make comments about how nice he was. Why? Hoping that by bringing to my Hs attention things I liked, that he would magically start doing the same things. I would also, when things weren't going the way I wanted them to (yes, I was very immature ... this was 17 years ago) say things like X wouldn't have said that to me, or wouldn't have done that to me.

 

You are right ... things like that plant the seeds of doubt. But, just b/c she SAYS things, doesn't mean she has DONE anything. Again, from a woman's perspective (at least me and the women I know) ... we strike out with words. When we are hurt, we want to hurt back and really, the only way that is available to us most of the time is with words. (BTW - I'm not like that anymore)

 

At that time I tried making my ex act as I thought he should, by pointing out traits that I liked in his friend. My thoughts were that if he understood and was able to see what I like, then he might do those things for me because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

 

Thank you, for sharing your experience and perspective. I appreciate it as I'm sure ConfusedHusband does.

 

Best Regards.

[Citizen Erased]

Oh, Please! These are the types of posts that are bullsh*t!

 

Dont worry honey, they are just a troll. Don't take notice!