Ladyybug Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 My friend is engaged to someone who is totally using him! He is such a nice guy and very often complains about her to me. He takes care of her better than some parents care for their own children. That includes financially (he supports her fully, she does not work) although they do not live together. She broke up with him previous to their engagement and he was miserable! I want him to be happy, but I know that he can not find happiness with her. I think she's cheating on him now, and finally he is suspecting it as well. She is with him because Should I be totally honest with him and tell him that she's using him and doesn't care about him, or should I let him find out all for himself and just be there for him when she breaks his heart?
Skeered Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 First and foremost, make sure that you are wanting to say this to him because you honestly know this is true or is it that you have feelings for this guy and you want to be the girl for him. Just a thought... However if you have no feelings for him and you know this 100%, and you guys have the relationship in which you discuss these types of things I think it's safe to say that you can tell him how you feel but the ultimate decision will be his and his fiances'. Support him and be there for him, but some of life's lesson's are best learned by hands on experiences. It's not up to you to decide what will be his ultimate happiness in life, what you think is using maybe something he is happy to do for her.
SoleMate Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Should I be totally honest with him and tell him that she's using him and doesn't care about him....? No. Your question assumes that you and you alone have "THE TRUTH" reagrding their relationship, both present and future. You have no reason to assume that you have superior insight into her motivations than he does. By your own statement, he is aware of her faults, since he complains about her to you. In other words, he has the same information that you do. In fact, he has more because only he knows the real reasons, be they valid or not, why he stays with her. If you want to have him declared legally incompetent to handle his own love affairs, and you become his guardian, that's a different story. ...or should I let him find out all for himself and just be there for him when she breaks his heart? Are you prepared for the third possibility - that they will stay together and have an enduring and fulfilling relationship that is a joy to both of them?
Author Ladyybug Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Thanks Solemate. I wish everything was as cut and dry as that, but actually it's much more complex. She has mentioned things to me about women using men. For instance, she said that sometimes men should pay$$ for the heartache that they bring upon women. In the past he has broken her heart. That comment led me to think that she may have been after a little payback for him. When they broke up briefly (before they were engaged) she was seeing someone else. He has told me that he knows she is still in contact with the guy. I am in no way interested in a relationship with him. He is my best friend and usually spends alot of time with me and my SO because she is off with her "friends". The main reason I ask if I should tell him is because he is very protective of her. He tells me these things because I dont judge her. He is not speaking to family members for commenting about her. I just don't want him to be unhappy.
blind_otter Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 The main reason I ask if I should tell him is because he is very protective of her. He tells me these things because I dont judge her. He is not speaking to family members for commenting about her. I just don't want him to be unhappy. He won't listen to you if you do tell him. Love is blind. I've had friends who had bad partners, even abusive ones. You can't tell someone to leave their mate, they have to decide for themselves. He is a grown up. He can handle his own business. He is responsible for his own happiness.
Author Ladyybug Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 He won't listen to you if you do tell him. Love is blind. I've had friends who had bad partners, even abusive ones. You can't tell someone to leave their mate, they have to decide for themselves. He is a grown up. He can handle his own business. He is responsible for his own happiness. Thanks. I think he's finally starting to see the light without me having to shine it in his face.
Fun2BMe Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I would express my feelings about her without telling him what to do. Let him come to his own conclusion. It seems as though he distances himself from those who discourage him from being with her. Maybe he'll come to that conclusion on his own. That doesn't mean you have to hold back from expression your opinion of her without being judgemental of him.
Buttaflyy Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I would express my feelings about her without telling him what to do. Let him come to his own conclusion. It seems as though he distances himself from those who discourage him from being with her. Maybe he'll come to that conclusion on his own. That doesn't mean you have to hold back from expression your opinion of her without being judgemental of him. Great advice! I think it is important to help him realize that his complaints are valid. But don't offer negative comments about her on your own! In time, he will see what is right. Be supportive of him no matter what he chooses. It's his life.
ronnieromance Posted May 15, 2006 Posted May 15, 2006 I would say do what fun2beme said...But, he probably won't listen to you if he's really in love, or thinks he is. These are things people need to see on their own. -R-
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