Skeered Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Since my recent divorce, my 11 year old daughter has gotten so much more open in speaking to me about things that are on her mind. And being very honest with her feelings. Since her dad and I seperated 2 years ago I have moved on to another relationship that is going strong, we live together, we raise my daughter as a couple, etc etc. Her dad's situation is very different, although almost exactly how he was when we were married, he can't keep a job, a relationship or a place to live and he currently lives with his parents and continues to say he doesn't think he'll be leaving anytime soon. Well it seems like every other weekend when my daughter goes to see him he has a new girlfriend and my daughter has said to me once "my dad changes girlfriends like he changes jobs." But most recently she said "my dad just needs to like women for who they are and stop trying to change them, he says they lie to him but he lied to you (meaning me) 24/7, so he just needs to stop and be happy." I ask my daughter every time she comes home from her dad's what she has done and she often tells me, "I sat and watched tv and movies and dad was on the computer chatting with girls." My daughter is getting to the point where she gets upset to have to go over to see her dad because it's always the same story, no money, nothing to do, listen to dad whine about girls he's trying to see...etc. My point to this thread is I'm amazed at how quickly my daughter is seeing these things and quickly seeing why I had to leave this distructive marriage. I do not feed into my childs thoughts of her dad but I do let her express them. My thought is that she will eventually tell her dad she would rather stay at home because there's no reason for her to go over there. Has anyone else had this happen?
quankanne Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 both my sisters were going through their divorces at the same time back in the early '90s. One bad mouthed her kids' dad – even telling them that their father never wanted them – and turned my niece and nephew into pawns in her divorce, so you can imagine what kind of baggage those kids have even now, well into their adulthood. other sister was like you: tried to provide a steady environment for her boys, and encouraged them to spend time with their dad because he loved them so much – and she stressed that no matter what happened between the two of them, she and their dad loved them more than anything else. Now this former BiL isn't the sharpest of men when it comes to relationships and he's been married to or shacked up with at least five or six women I know of since divorcing my sister. And he's flaky. But my sister NEVER said word one to those boys about that. I think as they got older they saw their dad for his true self and didn't care to spend a whole lot of time with him, but that was their decision, not something my sister told them or swayed them into doing. my guess is that your daughter is going to want to taper off her visits simply because her dad isn't spending the kind of time he ought with her and she knows it. She's old enough to be making certain decisions of her own, and I daresay limiting visits with her dad is one of them! She needs to understand that she's not responsible for his behavior, or feel guilty for cutting back on visits for the time being – I can't think of anything worse for a kid than to be forced into doing something that brings them unhappiness just because it's "the right thing" to do.
Author Skeered Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 I can't think of anything worse for a kid than to be forced into doing something that brings them unhappiness just because it's "the right thing" to do. I totally agree with you and here's a bigger issue with that...do I give her that responsibility of telling her dad that if that's what it comes to or do I tell him for her, in which case he will see it as I am lying and trying to keep her from him..you see what I'm saying. I don't want to place undue pressure on my daughter but far beit for me to just stand back and watch my daughter get depressed every other weekend and fret going there to sit and be bored. I have talked with her dad about it and he says well I can't help that I have no money to take her places...in which I said back you don't have to spend money on her just spend TIME with her...talk to her, learn about her, take her swimming (his parents have a nice pool and she LOVES to swim) at which he says that so and so girl he was seeing didn't want to do anything so he didn't know what to do. ugh he is sooooooooo frustrating to deal with...lol
quankanne Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 no offense, but he sounds like an immature dumbass, especially as far as y'alls child is concerned. when it comes time and your daughter starts talking to you about wanting to limit her visits to her dad, ask her what she wants to do. Does she want you there when she tells him? would she rather write him? Or have you tell him? By giving her options, you're showing her that you trust her judgment even as you know it will disturb her dad. I get the impression she's a sharp cookie, and she'll let you know how she wants to approach it.
Author Skeered Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 no offense, but he sounds like an immature dumbass, especially as far as y'alls child is concerned. when it comes time and your daughter starts talking to you about wanting to limit her visits to her dad, ask her what she wants to do. Does she want you there when she tells him? would she rather write him? Or have you tell him? By giving her options, you're showing her that you trust her judgment even as you know it will disturb her dad. I get the impression she's a sharp cookie, and she'll let you know how she wants to approach it. As far as taking offense to the immature dumbass comment...never could anyone offend me by saying that because it is so very true..lol hence one of the many reasons he is an EX...lol And you are very right she is ONE SMART cookie..the kid amazes me with her wisdom to life issues...however she also has a heart of gold and hates to see people hurt. I know her and she won't say that she doesn't want to go to her dads because she thinks it would hurt him...when in actuality if the guy is even giving her a second thought through the times she's not with him I would be shocked...he likes telling people he feels so slighted by not having her all the time, and that his prime objective in life is to do everything for her..yet in the 2 years I have been gone he has done NOTHING to support her, nor has he made any effort to be involved in her school functions, holidays etc. heck he came to her birthday party (which was the weekend before her birthday) complained about the $20 he spent on her gift (I spent over $300 on the party) and then didn't even call her on her actual BIRTHDAY... I could fill pages of what this dumbass (lol) has done and continues to do...but in the end I would look like a bigger dumbass for staying for 11 years..lol so I won't go there.... :lmao:
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