Presario Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Things will heat up again. You both know it. Thats part of the reason you don't want to come clean. You want to keep your options open. That's a good point, Sal Paradise. Pcakes, you want something more: physical affair, but you know that once you tell, the chances for it dwindle. You already wrote that you and you neighbour want to wait, before your act on your feelings. I have a feeling that you know what you want, and you come here for some justification. No wonder you agree happily with Lovernotafighter, because you both seem of the same breed. I noticed here and from some friends, that adultery is a premeditated act. Cheaters think about this months or years ahead. They go through different stages, sometimes they have some qualms, but they get what they want. They have plenty of time to realize what they do. When they finally cheat all they can come up with is the it-just-happened story. Here are a few examples: Dietcoke's temptation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56489/ Dietcoke repents: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t78957/ Midlifecrazy's mid-life crisis: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72463/ Knowhowlovefeels' oral-sex-is-not-sex: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t78011/ We both know it: you want your neighbour. Cut the crap, face the consequences and get him.
michaelk Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I agree with lovernotafighter. Even if she had had actual sex with the neighbor, I wouldn't advise she tell her husband. What possible good can that do? Look at the current state of her marriage and tell me in what way it will get better by her confessing? At a minimum it will cause pain, anguish, and lingering mistrust. In the worst case, it will end the marriage. On the other hand, if she is done with the fling and is capable of putting it behind her and learning a lesson, her marriage might actually benefit. We all make mistakes and we should be allowed to learn from them without having to sacrifice ourselves to some idealistic notion that truth take priority over every other good.
THX2000 Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 I agree with lovernotafighter. Even if she had had actual sex with the neighbor, I wouldn't advise she tell her husband. What possible good can that do? Look at the current state of her marriage and tell me in what way it will get better by her confessing? At a minimum it will cause pain, anguish, and lingering mistrust. In the worst case, it will end the marriage. On the other hand, if she is done with the fling and is capable of putting it behind her and learning a lesson, her marriage might actually benefit. We all make mistakes and we should be allowed to learn from them without having to sacrifice ourselves to some idealistic notion that truth take priority over every other good. That is absolutely the dumbest thing I have ever read....period. The only reason for her not to tell is so she has no consequences for her actions - not to save the husband any pain. Imagine how he will feel when he finds out (and they usually do find out eventually) that the guy he is hanging around with has been messing with his wife? Yeah that's much better than him finding out now and trying to save the marriage that she is ruining by whoring around with the neighbour. Sorry to be so blunt but I call them as I see them.
Jessie61 Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 So what it comes down to is the crush is over and done with. Now YOU have to do the leg work to make sure you don't think of that MMN in ANY sort of sexual or romantic way. PUSH away ANY feelings that you may feel about him. This is your second chance to shine and make life good again at home. Focus ALL your energy into your marriage. GO out with your husband more alone. You made a bad mistake, and you're lucky that it didn't turn into something much more serious. You say you've learned from it, but right now your actions HAVE to show that too. This can't just be words, you have to mean them and not EVER spend any alone time or have any sort of friendship on a personal level with the MMN. I agree with this and also what LNF has said. The crush is over and done with. It was a bad mistake but it didn't turn into something too serious. Concentrate instead on figuring out why this happened in the first place, and on channelling all your efforts into the marriage from now on. Ignore the neighbour. I am a believer in honesty, but sometimes a person can be too honest. I'd hate to ask some people on this forum "Does my bum look big in this?" trying on a pair of new jeans, if I did have a bum the size of Texas.... Sometimes, it IS right to tell a fib to spare the other person unnecessry hurt. In this case, I would argue that the hurt caused to the H by telling would be uncessary provided of course that the A never really went anywhere and that it is OVER....
fisher-man Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 I agree with this and also what LNF has said. The crush is over and done with. It was a bad mistake but it didn't turn into something too serious. Concentrate instead on figuring out why this happened in the first place, and on channelling all your efforts into the marriage from now on. Ignore the neighbour. I would argue that the hurt caused to the H by telling would be uncessary provided of course that the A never really went anywhere and that it is OVER.... Are you all CRAZY??? This was an EA. Have you read ANY of the posts of people who's spouses have had EA's? This DID go somewhere - including phone sex. They talked about things that were entirely outside the bounds of what is permissable. My A was an EA. Both my wife and I went through major life-altering pain because of my actions. I could have said that it "never really went anywhere, and it is OVER" and used that as an excuse for not telling her about it, but that would have just been another lie. Now this is supposed to be OK, and her husbnd and this guy are friends and everyone's going to do things together and her husband doesn't know?!!? Would this be OK if it was her husband and this neighbor's wife? I doubt it. Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal. And you are adding to the betrayal by not telling your husband, and continueing on doing things as couples.
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2006 Posted May 13, 2006 and her husbnd and this guy are friends and everyone's going to do things together and her husband doesn't know Because of this, if her husband finds out another way (and that IS a possiblity, I mean, what if the husband confesses to HIS wife...She WILL call YOUR husband and spill it - And don't think that won't happen...It just might) he is going to feel like you two made of FOOL of him behind his back. You two cannot keep a friendship with this couple anymore. Period. Life isn't the same as it was before, you know that and so does your MM neighbour.
Blind Illusion Posted May 14, 2006 Posted May 14, 2006 That's a good point, Sal Paradise. . No wonder you agree happily with Lovernotafighter, because you both seem of the same breed. I noticed here and from some friends, that adultery is a premeditated act. Cheaters think about this months or years ahead. They go through . No offense but there seems to be an awful lot of generalizations going on here. Cheating premeditation for all cases of infidelity and even different "breeds" of people. Downright scary!! Not sure if this is a revelation or not but people are different. Situations are different. People make mistakes. People hopefully learn from these errors. And everyone handles their situation in a way they deem best. There isn't any one absolute that all people should follow and quite frankly, why might someone want to dictate this for everyone, anyhow.
Guest Posted May 17, 2006 Posted May 17, 2006 I am a MW for about 15 years now, I have a great husband, never has cheated, hard working and loves me, as I love him. We have neighbors that we are friends with for more than 5 years now. We do lots of things together and were even there for their wedding. I guess it all started for me about 3 months ago. I went fishing with my MMN and we had a blast, talked, laughed, had a great time, non-sexual. This also repeated itself the following weekend. Our spouses knew we went fishing together just the two of us, and had no issues with that, being we have been friends for so long there was nothing there to worry about. So I thought... Well the following week he started e-mailing me at work, friendly e-mails nothing special at first, but things changed the more we talked. The e-mails got into very personal questions and thoughts, sexual and not. I found out he has been attracted to me since the first day he met me. We have talked a ton, lots of e-mails, a few very long phone calls when the spouses weren't around, and a few visits that included some very intensing hugs. So far nothing sexual (unless you include the one time phone sex). We decided back about 2 months ago that we weren't sure if this is just lust or something more so we decided to not do anything stupid until we knew. If this meant waiting to see how we feel in a year or so then that was the way it was going to be. Meanwhile we have still be e-mailing, talking and trying to find a little alone time to talk. Well this weekend he called to tell me that the guilt is too much for him and he loves his wife and can't hurt her like this anymore. I am not arguing that point, during the last week I was thinking the same thing myself about my husband. So this is a good thing, I know that. I know that I don't want to give up what I have for something that I don't know about. We agreed not to tell spouses, why hurt them. I guess I am just having a hard day, not sure if I have ended up falling for him more than just lust or not. Feeling kind of empty. I am confused as to where things changed with us and what to do now. I KNOW we will still have to see each other, being we are all friends and moving is not a posibility. I just hope it gets easier. Any good advise or thoughts for me would be appreciated, thanks. at least it didnt turn into anything physical. just put it behind you and never think of it again...or do it again.
guitar71 Posted May 19, 2006 Posted May 19, 2006 you're basically cheating. it is more honest to just get divorced and move on, or stop this other thing.
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