pcakes Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I am a MW for about 15 years now, I have a great husband, never has cheated, hard working and loves me, as I love him. We have neighbors that we are friends with for more than 5 years now. We do lots of things together and were even there for their wedding. I guess it all started for me about 3 months ago. I went fishing with my MMN and we had a blast, talked, laughed, had a great time, non-sexual. This also repeated itself the following weekend. Our spouses knew we went fishing together just the two of us, and had no issues with that, being we have been friends for so long there was nothing there to worry about. So I thought... Well the following week he started e-mailing me at work, friendly e-mails nothing special at first, but things changed the more we talked. The e-mails got into very personal questions and thoughts, sexual and not. I found out he has been attracted to me since the first day he met me. We have talked a ton, lots of e-mails, a few very long phone calls when the spouses weren't around, and a few visits that included some very intensing hugs. So far nothing sexual (unless you include the one time phone sex). We decided back about 2 months ago that we weren't sure if this is just lust or something more so we decided to not do anything stupid until we knew. If this meant waiting to see how we feel in a year or so then that was the way it was going to be. Meanwhile we have still be e-mailing, talking and trying to find a little alone time to talk. Well this weekend he called to tell me that the guilt is too much for him and he loves his wife and can't hurt her like this anymore. I am not arguing that point, during the last week I was thinking the same thing myself about my husband. So this is a good thing, I know that. I know that I don't want to give up what I have for something that I don't know about. We agreed not to tell spouses, why hurt them. I guess I am just having a hard day, not sure if I have ended up falling for him more than just lust or not. Feeling kind of empty. I am confused as to where things changed with us and what to do now. I KNOW we will still have to see each other, being we are all friends and moving is not a posibility. I just hope it gets easier. Any good advise or thoughts for me would be appreciated, thanks.
Bryanp Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to tell you the truth? After 15 years of being a great husband dosen't he deserve to have honesty from you at the very least? You had phone sex with your neighbor. Don't you think he deserves from you to be honest about that? By keeping the truth from your husband you are continuing to disrespect him. He has a right to know. Again if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect him to show you the respect you deserve and to be honest with you? Why can't you be honest with him? My guess is that you don't wish to deal with the consequences to your actions. Either you have trust and honesty in your marriage or lies and deceit. Which one do you wish to continue to have?
Author pcakes Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 I agree I would like him to be honest with me if roles were reversed, but I am having a hard time thinking about hurting so many people (especially my husband) over something that is overwith and nothing sexual ever really happened (besides in our thoughts, phone conversation). And yes I am thinking about my own consequenses and really don't want to deal with that.
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 You are smart not to let anything else happen. Forget about it and focus all that energy into your husband and marriage. This man, the MM neighbour, just brought out some crush-like feelings in you, and some sexual feelings too. That isn't love, it's lust. Remember that! And even more so that HE is feeling guilty and has chosen NOT to continue that flirting and sexually charged talking either. Very wise on his behalf. BOTH of you have a hell of alot to lose! Don't email him anymore and keep contact to the absolute miminium. Don't spend ANY alone time with him either. That part of your friendship with him is over, as it should be. Take this experience and learn from it. The fact that you don't want to deal with the pain of it all, the consquences of your actions is what has stopped you from jumping into bed with him. Keep thinking like that and DON'T think of him in any sort of sexual way.
Guest Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Thanks whichwayisup, I needed some reinforcing words. You would think eventually you would be old enough to know better than to even let things get started.
Author pcakes Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 Thanks whichwayisup, I needed some reinforcing words. I think things will get easier. Made it through one day of not e-mailing him and so far not seeing him, although I am not at home either.
Presario Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Pcakes, Your post is odd. On one hand you say that you love your husband, on the other you have an emotional affair with your neighbour. It seems you don't love and respect your husband as you claim. Has your husband abused or disrespected you in some way? What is it that makes you go for your neighbour? Don't you have enough to keep you busy? Kids? Work-related stuff? I thought that with age people get wiser. It doesn't seem true with you.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Thanks whichwayisup, I needed some reinforcing words. I think things will get easier. Made it through one day of not e-mailing him and so far not seeing him, although I am not at home either. You have to do this, if not for your own wellbeing, the wellbeing of your husband and your children...His wife and their children. You both have SO much to lose and honestly, could you imagine for a second if you two got caught???? Really think about the consquences......Forget the fantasy side of this. So, everytime you get that urge to call or email, see him - STOP and think. I also suggest maybe you go talk to someone one on one, just to find out why you've allowed yourself to become so into your married neighbour... Stay strong! If you feel like giving in, LOG onto LS and start posting here. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE IN TO THOSE FEELINGS.....
Sal Paradise Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Tell your husband now before its too late. He will eventually find out. If you truly love your husband the guilt caused by your infidelity will eat you alive. He has the right to know. He has the right to choose whether or not he wants to be with someone who cheated on him. If you tell him now he may get past it. Another reason exposure is important is that without it you are more likely to do this again with this man. Especially since you will see him from time to time. Keeping this from your husband is as much of a betrayl as the infidelity itself. If you're truly sorry you will face the music and tell him. Not doing so is the act of a coward.
lovernotafighter Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 she had a little 7 year itch..big deal..she didn't go through with it and neither did he, so live and learn pcakes and avoid him while and when you can. WWIU is right on in her posts..I totally agree.. just think things through,you'll do the right thing...don't tell your husband..there is no point in hurting people, are you gonna pack up and move tomorrow? didn't think so. and if you tell him he'll have to look at the MM all the time and relive what you told him and the MM's wife as well...he won't trust you again for a long time...the W will hate you and if you have kids that play together you can bet that would stop instantly and they would be hurting to. people have crushes..just don't act on 'em if they'll hurt people (wish I could take my own advice but still...)
Author pcakes Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Thank you all for your advise. To answer a few questions, my H and I do not have kids nor are planning on it. The neighbors are in limbo, she wants them he doesn't so no kids are involved, thank goodness. My husband and I have our share of problems, like everyone, but so far nothing we haven't been able to work through. The biggest issue has been his being crabby after work all the time and every thing I do setting him off. (he has never laid a hand on me physically) I did talk to him about this about 2 weeks ago and suggested counsiling, he refused, but has since been making every effort at not being crabby towards me when he gets home. He is doing a good job so far. I know I have to stay away from the neighbor as much as possible, but I do believe we can still do things together with spouses, If we didn't, I think they would notice something was wrong. I will have to train myself to not think of him sexually though or e-mail him. Just going to be hard to not talk to him like the friend he has become. Yes even though we have talked and done things "friends" don't don't do, we have become good friends in a different way too. That might be the hardest thing to give up, but I know I have to.
THX2000 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 she had a little 7 year itch..big deal..she didn't go through with it and neither did he, so live and learn pcakes and avoid him while and when you can. WWIU is right on in her posts..I totally agree.. just think things through,you'll do the right thing...don't tell your husband..there is no point in hurting people, are you gonna pack up and move tomorrow? didn't think so. and if you tell him he'll have to look at the MM all the time and relive what you told him and the MM's wife as well...he won't trust you again for a long time...the W will hate you and if you have kids that play together you can bet that would stop instantly and they would be hurting to. people have crushes..just don't act on 'em if they'll hurt people (wish I could take my own advice but still...) Anything you do with another person that you have to (a) hide from your partner and (b) ask advice on whether or not you should tell them IS A BIG DEAL. True no actual sex happened (or so she says) but as someone that has been the victim of an affair I can tell you that the emotional aspect of the affair was equally as damaging as the sexual component. Add to that the fact that the husband knows this guy and will see him on a regular basis and I can guarantee you that it will be a big deal to him. For a man, to have another man messing with your woman is the biggest way you can disrespect his self worth. The 2 worst things to ever happen to me in my life are the death of my father and losing my girl to an affair. I wold have to say that the affair was worse because at least when my father died I had my partner to look to for support. In an affair you lose that - the closest person in the world that you can trust. Your world is destroyed. Think about the husband in this situation and his right to know what his wife is doing and has done. Stop thinking about what is best for you and start thinking about what is the right thing to do.
Presario Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Lovernotafighter, You tell Pcakes to live in denial. You talk as nothing has happened, while she and her MM were thinking about an affaif, they had phone sex, secret meetings, emails and phone calls. This is already cheating, though not physical. Instead of cleaning up the mess that Pcakes got herself into, you tell her to hide it. One day her burning lies will come up and do much more damage than telling the truth can do now. don't tell your husband..there is no point in hurting people, are you gonna pack up and move tomorrow? didn't think so. and if you tell him he'll have to look at the MM all the time and relive what you told him and the MM's wife as well...he won't trust you again for a long time... This is low and convenient. Not telling is convenient and it seems as though you care about the husband. In fact it's the opposite: you care only about yourself. Sure, the husband will not trust, and he will have a reason for that. The trust has already been broken. What's more: by hiding the truth you are hurting his trust even more. Telling the truth would be a sign of trust and care for the other person. Why to hide and keep living the lie?
lovernotafighter Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 we have difference of opinions..it's as simple as that...don't chastise me because I don't agree with you two. you think one way,I think another. she doesn't have to follow my opinion,so get off my back,Sheesh. we are not living her life and there is no sense in making her feel worse is there? sounds to me she has done that enough.
Sup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 we have difference of opinions..it's as simple as that...don't chastise me because I don't agree with you two. you think one way,I think another. she doesn't have to follow my opinion,so get off my back,Sheesh. we are not living her life and there is no sense in making her feel worse is there? sounds to me she has done that enough. Funny you say that, I disagreed in a post you were on, and I got accused of judging. Although it was my viewpoint I was conveying. Oh, and by the way, I didn't cast the first stone, YOU DID! When you came against, um what did you say? (Moral Bible Thumpers)
Sup Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 It's also funny, and I have found out this in life, people who try to do right, get dumped on and judged etc. But someone who doesn't even try to do right ALWAYS resorts to the DON"T JUDGE ME phrase. Kinda funny, huh? Just a thought to think about.
THX2000 Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 we have difference of opinions..it's as simple as that...don't chastise me because I don't agree with you two. you think one way,I think another. she doesn't have to follow my opinion,so get off my back,Sheesh. we are not living her life and there is no sense in making her feel worse is there? sounds to me she has done that enough. I am not going to berate or belittle you for your opinion - you are entitled to it whether right or wrong. I just so happen to think you are wrong. I don't profess to be a perfect person and I am by no means religious but I know the difference between right and wrong and try to live my life that way. In this case the wife has betrayed her husband's trust in the worst way possible. In avoiding telling him of her betrayal she is continuing to live a lie and contnue to hurt the husband - he just doesn't know it yet.
lovernotafighter Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Funny you say that, I disagreed in a post you were on, and I got accused of judging. Although it was my viewpoint I was conveying. Oh, and by the way, I didn't cast the first stone, YOU DID! When you came against, um what did you say? (Moral Bible Thumpers) well just for the hell of it I tried to find the post in question and I didn't run across it..I see a thread where people were saying that and I was in the thread prior to your post..Hmm. but what your saying sounds like something I'd say so I am inclined to believe you. so I don't remember it...and you are still holding it against me..is that what your saying here? hardly sounds like something Jesus would do imo It's also funny, and I have found out this in life, people who try to do right, get dumped on and judged etc. But someone who doesn't even try to do right ALWAYS resorts to the DON"T JUDGE ME phrase. Kinda funny, huh? Just a thought to think about. well I didn't ask Not to be Judged so guess I won't be thinking about that, seeing how it doesn't apply to me. I am not going to berate or belittle you for your opinion - you are entitled to it whether right or wrong. I just so happen to think you are wrong. I don't profess to be a perfect person and I am by no means religious but I know the difference between right and wrong and try to live my life that way. In this case the wife has betrayed her husband's trust in the worst way possible. In avoiding telling him of her betrayal she is continuing to live a lie and continue to hurt the husband - he just doesn't know it yet. see I do understand what it is your saying...but they are neighbors! if they can't just pack up and leave how can they put it behind them if she tells? and the just doesn't know it yet..he can spend his whole life not knowing and he'll never be hurt by it. I see no reason to tell him and destroy lives over a crush that is done and over with.
Author pcakes Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 Thanks for all your opinions. lovernotafighter, I think you understand why I won't tell my H. Besides being honest and hurting people what purpose would telling do. I am honest with my husband about everything else, we talk about everything, except this. This is also the reason I did not let things go any farther than they did. I don't want to hurt him, yes I know if he found out he would already be hurt, but I don't plan on him ever knowing and I don't plan on anything like this ever happening again. This has been one of the stupidest things I have ever done and I am ashamed of how far I let it go, but I do want to move on say I learned from it.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 So what it comes down to is the crush is over and done with. Now YOU have to do the leg work to make sure you don't think of that MMN in ANY sort of sexual or romantic way. PUSH away ANY feelings that you may feel about him. This is your second chance to shine and make life good again at home. Focus ALL your energy into your marriage. GO out with your husband more alone. You made a bad mistake, and you're lucky that it didn't turn into something much more serious. You say you've learned from it, but right now your actions HAVE to show that too. This can't just be words, you have to mean them and not EVER spend any alone time or have any sort of friendship on a personal level with the MMN.
Author pcakes Posted May 10, 2006 Author Posted May 10, 2006 WWIS, the last couple days every time I think something I shouldn't I think of your advise to not think about him that way. So far that has really been helping. THanks As far as alone time, we are keeping our distance. This is easy right now due to work and other activities that keep us apart. This is what we need right now. Things will change though coming up in the next month or so being we as couples have plans for some weekends this summer. Good thing is, spouses will be around the whole time. I am hoping by then things will have died down and faded away.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 That's good to hear. Keep on that path and things will fall into place. Treat him like any other neighbour! You don't need to know him on a real personal level at all.
Guest Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 well just for the hell of it I tried to find the post in question and I didn't run across it..I see a thread where people were saying that and I was in the thread prior to your post..Hmm. but what your saying sounds like something I'd say so I am inclined to believe you. so I don't remember it...and you are still holding it against me..is that what your saying here? hardly sounds like something Jesus would do imo well I didn't ask Not to be Judged so guess I won't be thinking about that, seeing how it doesn't apply to me. see I do understand what it is your saying...but they are neighbors! if they can't just pack up and leave how can they put it behind them if she tells? and the just doesn't know it yet..he can spend his whole life not knowing and he'll never be hurt by it. I see no reason to tell him and destroy lives over a crush that is done and over with. I'm hardly holding it against you, though it may seem like it. I was trying to make a point by just stating the facts, thats all. If I sounded like I was holding anything against ya, I'm sorry about that. Like I said I was just stating the facts. Oh sorry Pcakes for hijacking this thread.
Sal Paradise Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 If you love and RESPECT your husband then you would be honest with your husband. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. Especially when it comes to infidelity. You're lying to protect yourself and the otherman. Its as simple as that. You're lying because you're both selfish. You can justify it all you want but what it comes down to is you were both selfish and continue to be selfish cowards. You may be able to pretend nothing happened for a while but it will eventually bite you in the butt. Things will heat up again. You both know it. Thats part of the reason you don't want to come clean. You want to keep your options open.
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