lobsterbabe Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Okay I know there's quite a few threads about this already. But I just need to know exactly what this statement means when somebody tells you that: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Is it: a. They never really love you (that it's just a bs excuse). b. They love you (care about you a lot, etc.) but cannot picture themselves with you long-term (i.e. marriage + kids)
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 But I just need to know exactly what this statement means when somebody tells you that: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I'd like to know the answer to that also.
LexiB Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I say (b) sums it up pretty well. But just becasue they can't at that moment, doesn't mean they never will. It all depends on the context of the relationship. There's a big difference b/w your partner saying that after only a few months of dating versus a few years ~ namely that in the latter circumstance it's 99.9% likely to be bull
Buttaflyy Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 B seems to be the answer pretty much. It plainly means that "while I once was in love with you, I don't see a future for us, although I still do have love for you." Bottom line...it's time to part.
Alexandra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 It doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, evidently. It's connected to their notion of "love" and "in love". Normally romantic relationships progress through a simple scale Infatuation -> In love -> Love and ideally the last two coexist but practically some can well skip the first two levels and go to "love" that includes respect and care but never develops the passion and chemistry. It's not necessarily BS but it can be that too. The only way to know for sure is look at the entire picture but regardless of what they mean to say it does include the "don't want a romantic future with you" part. I liked your post Alphie, why do you ask, is it a phrase you give gals or is it something you heard from one?
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I liked your post Alphie, why do you ask, is it a phrase you give gals or is it something you heard from one? I think the phrase is stupid. I don't understand what it means. You either love someone or you do not. Period.
catgirl1927 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I think "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the same as "It's not you, it's me." It's just another way to say, "I'm not trying to hurt you but this isn't working for me."
Author lobsterbabe Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 Could it be that those who utter this statement are more likely love junkies? You know, in love with being in love --- and may not necessarily realize what true love really is about?
Buttaflyy Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 I think the phrase is stupid. I don't understand what it means. You either love someone or you do not. Period. You can have different types of love for ppl. I think there are certain degrees of love. You don't love someone from a platonic relationship in the same manner as you love someone that you are "in love" with. I think it means that you have taken a step back to that platonic love.
Alexandra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Could it be that those who utter this statement are more likely love junkies? You know, in love with being in love --- and may not necessarily realize what true love really is about? Tee hee those are more likely to say "I'm in love with you but I don't think I'll ever progress to loving you." Very well put catgirl1927. And Alphie it is silly but not necessarily for that reason. Love without a romantic component is certainly possible, isn't it?
Author lobsterbabe Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 Tee hee those are more likely to say "I'm in love with you but I don't think I'll ever progress to loving you." Actually it makes a lot of sense. I think there are people who continually look for that romantic feeling love that are usually associated in the beginning stages of dating --- the newness of it all, the honeymoon phase.... there's just a lot of passion in the early stages of the relationship. Once all the chemicals in their brain wear off, and go back to its normalcy, and hence settle into a new/different type of love, they might think they're no longer in love because they don't feel the same passion and romance they once had. So therefore, they look elsewhere in the hopes of feeling that *in love feeling* with someone new. I don't know... this "I love you but I'm not in love with you* is too puzzling for me. What do you do at this point when you SO tells you this?
a4a Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 What do you do at this point when you SO tells you this? Start packing. Good chance they may either have found another to be in love with or are planning to. Oh I have used this line and meant it. It does happen, you can stop wanting a relationship with a person but not dislike them.
Alexandra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 What do you do at this point when you SO tells you this? It very much depends on many things but first and foremost on the length of the relationship. If it's been a while then I'm afraid what LexyB said below may be a possibility. People do get bored, do hit plateaus in relationships, whether or not they go over it depends not on love or even on being in love but on their level of willingness to work on it and a phrase as such may mean one of them is not up for the work it takes. That too can be changed but as I said it depends. So how long have you been together? What prompted the phrase, what were the circumstances?
Buttaflyy Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Oh I have used this line and meant it. It does happen, you can stop wanting a relationship with a person but not dislike them. Exactly! It's not necessarily BS. I have also said it an meant it! Didn't want to as it sounds soooo cliche' but there was really no other way of putting it.
TheSwordfish Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 It means the person loves you as a friend, as someone he/she really cares about, but the initial exitement of being in love is gone. He won't act all crazy by dancing on the bus, because he wants you so badly.....
reservoirdog1 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 "I care about you, I do have some kind of positive emotional feelings towards you, but you don't turn me on or inspire romantic feelings in me [anymore], and I want to find that with somebody else."
Ladyybug Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 "I care about you, I do have some kind of positive emotional feelings towards you, but you don't turn me on or inspire romantic feelings in me [anymore], and I want to find that with somebody else." Well said!
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Means "I care about you, I have feelings of emotional attachment, but I'm not inlove with you." Being inlove and just loving someone isn't the same. I love and have emotional attachment to my closest friends and that doesn't mean anything romantic. It is possible to have feelings for someone of the opposite sex and not be inlove with them or desire them in a sexual way.
Author lobsterbabe Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 It very much depends on many things but first and foremost on the length of the relationship. If it's been a while then I'm afraid what LexyB said below may be a possibility. People do get bored, do hit plateaus in relationships, whether or not they go over it depends not on love or even on being in love but on their level of willingness to work on it and a phrase as such may mean one of them is not up for the work it takes. That too can be changed but as I said it depends. So how long have you been together? What prompted the phrase, what were the circumstances? We've been going out for over a year now. He has yet to utter "ILY." I never said it and held back since I never really felt it. It came about because we were talking about marriage and kids (first time). He said he doesn't want to have anymore kids (he's got one from a prev. marriage) and he doesn't know if he would remarry again. So basically I asked him if he sees a future with me. Bear in mind, I don't want to get married right now, nor do I want to have kids right now. But should that possibility arise in the future, I would like to know if we're on the same page. He gives me the run around, saying "Right now, I can't even think about these because of all these problems I have, blah blah blah. Not right now." So that pretty much answered my question. He doesn't see a future with me. He keeps saying he loves me. But he doesn't have that romantic feeling in-love with me. He doesn't want to break up. He would like to make it work, take it day by day, since we never really had an honest and open communication about our feelings. And take it from there. I told him I don't want to waste my time with him knowing that he cannot see a future with me. I told him I wasn't asking for marriage + kids. I was asking if he can see me long-term. So I don't know. I'm in this limbo. On one hand, we have a good relationship right now. Should I leave and risk it in the hopes of finding somebody better? Or stay and maybe it will get better by really trying from both sides? Decisions decisions.
Author lobsterbabe Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 Start packing. Good chance they may either have found another to be in love with or are planning to. Oh I have used this line and meant it. It does happen, you can stop wanting a relationship with a person but not dislike them. I honestly do not believe there's another girl. With the current financial mess he is in right now, I highly doubt it. Would be the last thing on his mind. So I guess since he doesn't have that romantic feelings toward me, he just loves me as a person? As a friend? That blows.
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Not right now That is a stalling tactic, a way of putting off what really needs to be said and heard. Back off him and let him MISS you. I'm not saying end it completely, but don't focus on him so much and see if what is it you two have IS worth it. Who knows? Maybe he will realize what he's missing and come to his senses. Though, if he doesn't, then you know. You don't want to spend your life with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
alphamale Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 "I care about you, I do have some kind of positive emotional feelings towards you, but you don't turn me on or inspire romantic feelings in me [anymore], and I want to find that with somebody else." so RD1, why the fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkk-k-k-k not just say the above instead of: "um, yeah, ahh, I love you but I'm not in love with you."??
Alexandra Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 so RD1, why the fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkk-k-k-k not just say the above instead of: "um, yeah, ahh, I love you but I'm not in love with you."?? Hmmmm now I'm really convinced there's a story behind that Alphie;) Wanna lay on my couch?
reservoirdog1 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 so RD1, why the fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkk-k-k-k not just say the above instead of: "um, yeah, ahh, I love you but I'm not in love with you."?? Alpha, it's probably out of a misguided notion that a bunch of Hallmarkian bulls*** is preferable to the straight goods, and because the ILYBINILWY approach makes the dumper feel better. There should be an onerous tax on anybody who uses that phrase.
Author lobsterbabe Posted May 8, 2006 Author Posted May 8, 2006 That is a stalling tactic, a way of putting off what really needs to be said and heard. Back off him and let him MISS you. I'm not saying end it completely, but don't focus on him so much and see if what is it you two have IS worth it. Who knows? Maybe he will realize what he's missing and come to his senses. Though, if he doesn't, then you know. You don't want to spend your life with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. Thanks, WWIU. I think that's what I need to do.
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