monkeychops Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Well about 5 weeks ago I got home to find a typed note from my husband he said he had fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else it was nothing to do with me but all his doing and he was sorry and that he would be in touch. He finally rang me 5 days later and said it was true and it was over and that he would like to meet up with me that weekend with someone there for my support. I said to him but why can't I see you know and he said he had things to do and that he was living with her. We finally meet up on the saturday and he couldn't answer any of my questions he just kept on looking at me all the time deep into my eyes. My Dad said to him he needs to work out if he was unhappy with me or with his life he said he had a lot of thinking to do. Then after alot of silent he got up to leave he gave me a massive hug and a big kiss and left. My Dad even said after he left that he thought he still loved me. Then I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, he finally sent me an email saying he wanted to see me and collect some stuff, I replied with a massive email do not contact me at work at all. As that is unfair of him he replied saying he wouldn't contact me again at work. I also said I wasn't sure if I could make it that weekend, so he sent a stroppy email back to our home address saying well it is ok to email me at work but not the other way round!... and I should contact him when it is suitable.. none of this is suitable in my oppion! So eventually I rang him on his new home number! which I am sure gave him a shock.. but I had had enough of the no contact.. I just wanted to talk to him. He said he missed me, and wanted to talk to me but felt it wasn't his place to ring me. He said marriage was just a piece of paper, and I asked if I could have some help with the bills he said I don't live there so why should I. Eventually he said he had to go and would see me Monday. I then sent him an email asking if he just wanted his stuff or to see me he replied both! This was last week, so he turned up without a suitcase which confused me but I didn't say anything. We talked about work, his mum and some other bits.. then I asked if it was over he said yes, i asked him if he wanted a divorse he said I had to do that.. I asked about the flat he said again could I sort that out. I don't want to sort any of this out I love him, he is my best friend and everything I want in a man.. we have been together 7 years and married for 5. He gave me another hug for some time, and then said this isn't doing me any good. I said I was worried about the fact he had slept with someone else and he looked at me and said you have nothing to worry about, I said how can I believe you and he shouting at me great yourself f**king tested then.. it went a bit downhill after that... I just got so upset.. I don't want to lose him. He just kept on saying it was over. We shouted lots of things at each other, like I hated the fact he worked late he said he hated the fact I went to the gym.. why didn't we tell each other these things we might still be together. I thought things where fine between us, we still where having a laugh and sending love texts & emails.. even before he left he invited me to his works do in April! why would you do that.. book a holiday for 2 weeks in greece in July in January. I have so many whys going around in my head! Anyway, he just sat on the soft and didn't say a word.. I just talked and I guess he listened, eventually he got up and left. So after that I have not contacted him as it makes me worse. I have been put on anti-depressants and have to see a counsellor. Then on Saturday my Mum phoned him, she said to him if you want to put down the phone you can.. he said why would I. He started to open up about the fact he felt my family where to intense as he doesn't have a close family and he just wanted me to himself.. he said he felt controlled and didn't even have his own bank account. He talked about his 1st wife and how they argued all the time and how he walked out of that relationship too. (we never argued). He also said he was working all the time and over weekends trying to save hard for his own place. So there can't be much of a relationship with this ow, or is there one? Maybe he just wanted to get out so used that as an excuss. I don't know. My Mum said she got the impression she thought my husband thought I didn't love him. He also said he would ring me Dad, why would you want to be in contact with my family. and that his mum wasn't being supportive which he found hard. My mum then said is this a closed book, he replied watch this space.. what is that supposed to mean? Anyway since then I have continued the NC, and I had an email from him yesterday which is really nice. I am totally confused by all of this. not sure what to do, I want to email him, ring him.. but what is the point his mind is made up. I just wish he knew how much I love him. The thing I find strange is all his stuff as at our home, his post still comes to the flat, he still has the keys and he still contacts me. Do you think he isn't sure about his decission.. I don't know how other people have left there wives/husbands but I would have thought you would want out asap, leave keys wedding ring take all your stuff.. I could be wrong. 4/5/06 Well I still have not heard anything, I guess I shouldn't contact him unless he contacts me.. I keep on wondering what is going on! It is 6 weeks tomorrow and he still has not collected his stuff.. any advice out there? Or do I just wait and see....How do you cope with the lonely times? I hate the evenings and mornings I just feel SO low.. I am just so sad inside, and don't know what to do about it.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 He started to open up about the fact he felt my family where to intense as he doesn't have a close family and he just wanted me to himself.. he said he felt controlled and didn't even have his own bank account. He talked about his 1st wife and how they argued all the time and how he walked out of that relationship too. (we never argued). He also said he was working all the time and over weekends trying to save hard for his own place. So there can't be much of a relationship with this ow, or is there one? Maybe he just wanted to get out so used that as an excuss. I don't know. My Mum said she got the impression she thought my husband thought I didn't love him. Honey, this is all just rationalizations and justifications for having an affair. You say that you don't believe it can be "much of a relationship". But you know, what he's doing is down-playing it and he wants YOU to buy into that too. He wants you to think that all his reasoning is valid, all the while it's all about a cheap, tawdry, adulterous gratification. Is there any merit to his "rationalizations"? Sure, there's a little bit. But there's nothing that YOU did to cause this guy to cheat on you rather than bring the problems to the table to be fixed. That was a choice he made all on his own. If it were me, I'd give him a couple of weeks of pleasant and understanding behavior so that he has an opportunity to backpeddle. Then I'd lower the boom on him with complete and total NC. And do get tested for STDs. Send the bill to OW. She won't pay it, but it'll make you feel better to let her know that you find her to be crass and unclean.
lovernotafighter Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Monkey Chops I am so sorry to hear about your tremendous suffering. keep in mind this is all His doing..not yours! you may have had your problems...every marriage does. but the way he handled them and your feelings is totally inexcusable! alright the bottom like is he cheated on you...is still cheating on you and further more does feel since he left you holding the ball that he should pay any of the bills! you both made these bills what ever they are and he should at very least try to help you recover some what from the blow he left by leaving you with half a income. that in it's self to me would say "would I want him back after all this" you may right now but I severely think you won't be able to forgive him for this...he crippled you in every way. I would pack his things for him...keep what I want as his share of the bills and tell him never to darken your doorstep again.
Buttaflyy Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Monkey Chops I am so sorry to hear about your tremendous suffering. keep in mind this is all His doing..not yours! you may have had your problems...every marriage does. but the way he handled them and your feelings is totally inexcusable! alright the bottom like is he cheated on you...is still cheating on you and further more does feel since he left you holding the ball that he should pay any of the bills! you both made these bills what ever they are and he should at very least try to help you recover some what from the blow he left by leaving you with half a income. that in it's self to me would say "would I want him back after all this" you may right now but I severely think you won't be able to forgive him for this...he crippled you in every way. I would pack his things for him...keep what I want as his share of the bills and tell him never to darken your doorstep again. This is very good advice! I hope that you take heed to all that was said here. You seem to be the only one in the relationship who wants to salvage the marriage and you are not to blame for any of it. Don't be a doormat, you have more control over the situation then you even realize. You seem to be very strong and are handling things perfectly thus far, by not contacting him. Good luck with everything!
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